Author lissar Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 I've read through the responses here. I fully admit I made a colossol error. I emailed with a man and we met and talked and had dinner a few times and I was with him intimately only once. In IC I have been trying to figure out what was missing in my marriage that caused me to act this way. I have been unhappy and confused for sometime, and what I did didn't help. And even though my H may have issues himself too, I am not a victim. I made choices and I am dealing with the consequences of those. In terms of the HPV, I've been doing some research. Theoretically, I could've gotten from my H as he had one partner before me and I had none. Or I could've gotten it from this OM. I will never know. All I can do is go to the doctor and learn more. Right now things are in my H's hands. I am giving him space and time to figure things out. In the meantime, I am trying to figure myself out as well. If he wants to try to work it out, then I will try. If he wants nothing to do with me, I will accept that and learn from my experience. Either way it will be difficult and take work. Thank you for your words, both the harsh and supportive. I am taking them all in.
rina_r Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I've read through the responses here. I fully admit I made a colossol error. I emailed with a man and we met and talked and had dinner a few times and I was with him intimately only once. In IC I have been trying to figure out what was missing in my marriage that caused me to act this way. I have been unhappy and confused for sometime, and what I did didn't help. And even though my H may have issues himself too, I am not a victim. I made choices and I am dealing with the consequences of those. Once or twice or thrice...doesnt matter!!! It hurts just the same! You should have figured out what was going on first before jumping in bed with whoever...
JaneInVegas Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 I dont think it is harsh. truth sometimes hurts. And i was cheated on once. You forgive but never forget! I have cheated on someone, and been cheated on. It's a nasty business to get involved with, and I'm well versed in both sides. NONE of us here are perfect, we've all done messed up stuff. Rina it's too bad I don't know something YOU have done wrong so I could make you feel like crap about it. People come here and make themselves vulnerable for whatever reasons they deem will help them. Do you suppose bashing on them and telling them what they already know about themselves is going to do anything constructive? I mean OTHER than the poster relieving their own stress for sticking it to someone else they wish they could bash on? I find no purpose in making people feel like crap for a self-admitted mistake!
rina_r Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Right, you dont bc I am Mother Theresa! And are we supposed to applaud cheaters and pat them on their backs "good boy/girl!". Yep, truth hurtts and the truth is - you are a cheater! And one cheater standing up for the other. Thats why u got so wpund up, Ms. Jane.
whichwayisup Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 In terms of the HPV, I've been doing some research. Theoretically, I could've gotten from my H as he had one partner before me and I had none. Or I could've gotten it from this OM. I will never know. All I can do is go to the doctor and learn more. You barely know the OM, met him afew times, emailed with him.. I doubt very much your H gave you this. Don't you think if he did, symptoms would have shown up years ago?
Island Girl Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 symptoms would have shown up years ago? Most people do not show symptoms of HPV. Even those that have symptoms may only do so after a period of the immune system being challenged in some other way which allows the virus to emerge.
Pink Cupcakes Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 About 80% of all women have HPV. Most do not even show symptoms and it can be in your body for years and not show up, and it can clear up so it can be you don't even know you have it. Highly possible you got it from your H, and there is no test for guys. Not something you really need to tell ANYONE. It's not a true STD, just keep getting your yearly tests, no biggie.
eeyore1981 Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 What the hell difference does it make how long you have had hpv or who you got it from? Get names from the OM of women he has been with before you, and have them tested. If any of them come up positive, maybe he gave it to you. Then get the names of people your H was with and have them tested. If any of them come up positive, maybe he gave it to you. If they all come up negative, then go back to previous men, rinse and repeat. At the end of the day, your H has still left you for cheating, so WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? Are you sorry you cheated? If so, maybe you should be a little more focused on how you can demonstrate that to your H should he choose to speak to you again. JMO, though.
LakesideDream Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Lissar, Seems like your estranged husband is making his choices. There's the possibility he'll decided that you are valuable enough to try again.... but frankly I wouldn't if I were him. Life is to short to be married to a woman who gives it up to other people.
Pink Cupcakes Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Life is also too short to stay with an angry man who treats you like crap to the point you feel you have to go outside the marriage to feel love and affection.
Jack & Coke Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 You disrespected your marriage so all you can do now is wait to see if your husband will take you back.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 If your H would have cheated on you.. would you be able to forgive and stay with him? this was my same exact thought. women are so much more forgiving than men IN MOST CASES. I am sooo sorry that this is happening to you, I hope you can get him back...
HeyThere Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I’m amazed at the thought process with the posts here. How much can we bash the men or women depending on their point of view of the indiscretions? We have such limited information about why both parties were drifting apart. An affair is a symptom and acting out of an issue unconscious or otherwise. It seems that there are several unspoken topics that IC and/or MC can help. Good luck on sorting through this and working on you (and with H, if he comes back).
Justtoodangtired Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 First off, I want to say I am not going to bash you. I can appreciate the fact you came here and wanting to learm from this. But please take this from me, a woman who is going through the pain of being betrayed. You did the right thing to tell him, in EVERY sense of the word. He deserved to know. It's not important to really know for sure where you got the HPV from, if you really have it. The point is, he needed that information. And he needs it to decide how to take care of his health. I can tell you, right now your husband is somewhere going over everything that has ever happened in your relatioship and marriage, trying to figure out what went wrong or what he did to "make" you cheat. That's what it feels like. I don't understand cheating AT ALL. I mean, we have human filters inside of us, that keep us from doing things we KNOW are wrong. Like most of us KNOW we wouldn't rob a bank. just wouldn't happen. I feel that way about cheating. I just wouldn't do it. It's not in me. Now you have to let him fugure out what he wants to do. I would write him a letter. If you can find out where he is to get it to him, get it to him without him having to see you. And in it don't make excuses for why you did it. Just validate his feelings and tell him how you felt and feel. Then let him be. He needs time to work through this. You did this to him. Whether or not you had problems in your marriage is not why you cheated. You did it because YOU were selfish and wanted something you weren't getting. The cheating only made it all worse. You can never fix your problems bu turning away from your partner. It is true woman seem to forgive easier. So, he may not come back. If that is the case, then it is what it is. You hopefully will have learned a very expensive lesson. And with all your changes for your new life, you will come out on the other side and be ok. I only hope and pray he will be. Just understand how VERY painful this is for him! And be patient and give him what he needs. Whatever that is!
Darth Vader Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Sure.. not tell him. Let him live a lie. Don't give him the right to make a life changing decision. If you have any hope that he is going to come back, it's that you TOLD him about it. He didn't find out by doing detective work. In a sense there is that honesty. However if you tested negative for STDs, would you have told him? To cheat is disgusting, but to not tell your spouse or lie to them (which is the same) is just continuing the betrayal. The foundation of your marriage needs major repair. You need to be there to listen to him when he talks, when he feels like it. Thing is, he still wouldn't know, if she hadn't let it slip. It's not like she willingly told him. It never ceases to amaze me how these things are found out!
itmustbeme Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Life is also too short to stay with an angry man who treats you like crap to the point you feel you have to go outside the marriage to feel love and affection. Well the OP kind of wanted to save her marriage. What you posted above is the biggest mistake people make in life. Her angry man did not cause her to cheat. How do I know this? Well I had an angry wife who treated me like crap for several years. And yet even though I felt unloved and lonely I never cheated on her. I did the ethical thing. I told her if things did not change I would divorce her. And after things did not improve I divorced her. No matter what my XW did if I would have cheated it would be because of my poor choices and my failings as a moral man. Now the OP husband really has to look at what his wife is like. If she in any way blames him then he should divorce her. Because life is too short to be married to a woman who boffs other men. It is much easier to move on then to put up with that. As a matter of fact I have one rule in marriage. If your wife sleeps with another man dump her. No woman is worth having if she does that, again that would be the MINIMUM requirement to being a good wife worth keeping. And I mean the MINIMUM requirement. Now I would suggest she give him space and hope he even talks to her again. She will have to show him there is a reason for him to stay.
mista_ecks Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Honestly, you're not worth fighting for. Any woman worth fighting for would talk to her husband BEFORE sleeping with another man, and even if she came to a point where it would just had to happen, she would take her husband into consideration and at least use protection. I'm sorry but any woman or man that puts their SO's health in jeopardy is just selfish in my book. Not to mention that if he does stay there will ALWAYS be trust issues, and let's be honest here...would you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man that does not fully trust you? Do you really want to live the rest of your life breaking your back trying in vain to MAKE him trust you? You should just chalk this up as a lesson and move on because there will always be doubts in the back of your husband's mind regarding your fidelity. I hope I don't come off as the new guy trying to pick a fight here, because it's really not like that...I'm just being brutally honest here.
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