lissar Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I'm not sure where to post this. My H and I have been married ten years and together sixteen years. The past few years, things hadn't been as great, we were drifting apart. We lived on the west coast for a while and I hated it, so I came back to the east coast for graduate school and we lived on separate coasts for about a year. I was very lonely. And my H was angry a lot. I met a man. I slept with him once. I haven't seen or spoken to this man in months. I thought I could be friends with him but I couldn't. He stopped talking to me and I let it go. I wasn't going to tell my H about this other man, but as it turned out I was very stupid and had unprotected sex. So I told my H and he, of course, was very angry and left me. I fully realize how stupid I was. I am incredibly sorry about what I've done. Part of me didn't think we were going to make it, but now that he's left me, it's made me realize that I want to be with him and work it out with him. I don't know what to do. I guess the "D-Day" happened only a few hours ago. I am lost. Will we be able to get through this? Will he be able to talk to me, be with me again? Is there any hope?
rina_r Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I am sorry.... You will get through this. All you made me think is why do we need to lose something to realize how much we really appreciate it?
Brightmoon Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Goodness lissar, you must be in such shock. (((hugs))) You will be fine, eventually you will be fine I know that... I hope you get to talk to him soon.
JaneInVegas Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I have a bunch of questions: You are/were living together now, instead of being on opposite coasts? You said you had unprotected sex "so I told my husband." You told him out of fear that something could happen because of unprotected sex, or did something already happen because of this? If there hasn't been any consequences yet, I'd say he's just angry and venting. D-day was today ... has he already taken everything and left? ... or did he just storm off with angry words and announce he'll be back "later" for his things? Or is he on the opposite coast and just say that he's breaking up with you? I'd say it's way too soon to know if he's truly serious about breaking it off with you. There is always hope!
Lizzie60 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 If your H would have cheated on you.. would you be able to forgive and stay with him? My guess is yes.. you would... women do forgive more easily than men... Men do not accept betrayal... and cannot trust again (most)... Your mistake was to tell him... even therapist will say that the truth is not always good to tell.. it destroyed your marriage.. chances are you didn't contracted any STDs... especially if you did it only with this guy... you should have gone for tests instead of telling him... It's hard to say if he will ever be back... my only advice... write him a letter saying how sorry you are.. that you love him... etc.. Good luck!
Author lissar Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Thank you for your responses. We were now living together on the east coast, he arrived permanently in September. It'd been a little rough, with me in school, he had a hard time getting used to the fact I had so many things going on (I was a stay-at-home wife for years before this). The doctor called today to tell me I may have HPV, and to come in for additional test. I mentioned this to H and then realized he wondered how I got it. So I told him the truth. He just packed a bag and left. He said he was very angry and needed some time away from me. That he didn't want to get violent. I asked him to call me when he was somewhere safe and he said why would I care. But the thing is, he did leave me a message and text to tell me he was somewhere safe. And he asked me not to do anything stupid and to call my mom to talk to her. I wasn't going to tell him originally, but it happened. There's not much I can do about it now. But suddenly everything seems clear to me. I want to work it out with him. And now I just have to figure out how to prove that to him. I can only hope he will give me a chance to do so.
Lizzie60 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I agree.. it's too late now... what's been said.. was said.. (it was a mistake IMO)... but then you need more test... it's not 100% sure you have HPV yet.. As far as your H... he needs some time to lick his wounds.. just be patient.. give him his space.. Sit down and write him a letter.. messages are more intense when they are written.. IMO.
JaneInVegas Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I agree ... a written letter has much more impact, and I think it's a really good idea. Just packing one bag and letting you know later he's okay is a VERY good sign. Of course it's not going to be easy and you're going to have problems, but he definitely has not totally disconnected from you. After you're finished with your testing, if you do indeed have an STD, please let the other guy know. Just mail him a postcard or something. I may get bashed for even mentioning this, but it's the right thing to do. I wish you all the best! HUGS
whichwayisup Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Give him time and space to figure stuff out. He needs to cool off and think.. In the meantime, focus on you. Get to counselling, fix yourself.. Become stronger and change the flaws/insecurities you have that led you to cheat on him to begin with. You can say sorry 100x and mean it, but until you can prove to him that you've changed, that you plan on working on yourself, so you can love him and show him you're worth fighting for, worth having a second chance..Marriage counselling too, hopefully he'll go with you.
Author lissar Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 I talked to him this morning. He doesn't want to see me or talk to me until after the new year. I told him I was willing to do whatever he wanted, and if that means not talking to him, then I will, but it is very difficult. I realize I made a huge mistake. How do I show him I'm worth fighting for? I've disappointed him, betrayed him. He said he doesn't know if he'll want to ever talk to me again. I should take back the gifts. He doesn't even want to be in our home. I am in counseling, I have been for a few months now and it's helped. I'm shaking right now. I'm probably going to go to my parents for a while. He said he didn't know where he was going to go, but when I asked him to let me know where he was he said he would. There has to be hope, right??
whichwayisup Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Put the gifts away for now and forget about them, those aren't important at the moment.. His whole world has come crashing down. Right now this isn't about you, it's about him and understanding that he needs this time to think, time to react, time to feel whatever he needs to feel. Just be ready to 'listen' to him when/if he calls..And if he needs to ask you about your A, answer everything honestly, don't hide anything..Don't blame him, or make any excuses..Own it and speak from your heart. I don't want to tell you there's hope, but I also don't want to say don't give up hope. It all depends on him, who he is and if he is the type who has it in him to offer you a second chance. Continue your counselling, stay in NC mode with OM and hopefully sometime in the New Year, he'll come around and be willing to sort this out with you.
jmargel Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Your husband is also going to have to get checked for STDs.
Samantha0905 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 If you get back together, you may want to get MC to see what was going on to create the loneliness, anger, etc. Obviously, something was amiss in the marriage or the affair would not have happened. I have hope for you things may work out, but don't forget there was an issue in the first place. Your great desire to have your husband now could be totally sincere or some of it may be prompted from fear now that he's gone. Really think about what you want and, if possible, work on what's been missing together in counseling. I wouldn't have told, but what's done is done. Perhaps it was your way to cry out there's a problem and you need for the two of you to work on things together to fix the marriage.
jmargel Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Sure.. not tell him. Let him live a lie. Don't give him the right to make a life changing decision. If you have any hope that he is going to come back, it's that you TOLD him about it. He didn't find out by doing detective work. In a sense there is that honesty. However if you tested negative for STDs, would you have told him? To cheat is disgusting, but to not tell your spouse or lie to them (which is the same) is just continuing the betrayal. The foundation of your marriage needs major repair. You need to be there to listen to him when he talks, when he feels like it.
Enema Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 How do I show him I'm worth fighting for? I've disappointed him, betrayed him. He said he doesn't know if he'll want to ever talk to me again. I should take back the gifts. He doesn't even want to be in our home. Why are you worth fighting for? Not only did you betray him, you had unprotected sex, then intended to never tell him. The only reason you told is because of the doctor's call. I wish he was here so we could tell him to stay strong, go NC and that he deserves better. IMO, the only time you can believe a spouse truly regrets cheating is when they come clean on their own. Otherwise, they just regret being caught.
hopesndreams Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 It's always disappointing when someone asking for help gets found out for only telling 1/2 the truth. It's anonymous for crying out loud! If you want advice, the more information, truthful information given, the better.
JaneInVegas Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Why are you worth fighting for? Not only did you betray him, you had unprotected sex, then intended to never tell him. The only reason you told is because of the doctor's call. I wish he was here so we could tell him to stay strong, go NC and that he deserves better. IMO, the only time you can believe a spouse truly regrets cheating is when they come clean on their own. Otherwise, they just regret being caught. That's a little harsh, don't you think, Enema? Have YOU lived a pristine perfect life??
Woggle Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 You shouldn't have cheated. If he means this much to you why did you betray him? Don't mean to be harsh but you made your bed.
JaneInVegas Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 He said he didn't know where he was going to go, but when I asked him to let me know where he was he said he would. There has to be hope, right?? There's always hope. His agreeing to let you know where he's staying is a very positive sign. If he truly didn't care about you anymore, he wouldn't even bother communicating with you, much less let you know his location. Give him all the space he needs, don't ask him to come home before he's ready. I know it's hard, but you have to give him some breathing room right now. Be as supportive of him as you possibly can. Having an affair is a very, very bad thing. I had one myself a few years back. I learned a lot from it, and I know you are learning a lot right now, too. Just recognize your mistake, and don't beat yourself up over it. Lesson learned, fix what you can, and move forward with your life, with or without him. It's tough right now, but you will survive.
Pink Cupcakes Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Your husband has to be willing to take his part in the affair. Sounds like he was angry because you were getting a higher degree (which you have a right to do) and it was making him insecure. If he's not willing to own up to his part in treating you like crap, then move on and start over. HPV is so common that you could have gotten it from your husband. This is something that has been around for years and years - it could have been latent in your body for years and years and now just showed up on your test. Big deal. Honestly you didn't even have to tell your husband this - men can pick HPV up from towels at the gym. Most doctors hesitate to even call it an STD, I think deep down inside you want to leave your louse of a husband or you wouldn't have told him this unnecessary info.
whichwayisup Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Your husband has to be willing to take his part in the affair. I am so calling bullshyt on this line. That's total CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her husband can take responsibility for HIS part in the marital problems, but not HER choice to cheat. She did that all on her own.. Her husband is NOT to blame for that..At all. Problems IN the marriage, yes, but he didn't hold a gun to her head and make her cheat on him. I highly doubt her husband gave her a STD. She got it from the OM.
Brightmoon Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 From what I can see form both your OP's Lissar, is that you are mixed up and deeply unhappy... and have been for some time. You got involved with the married man who was a bit of a git. I get not real sense of your husband in all this. But clearly you were drifting apart and you were lonely. I may not have read things fully, but I think your marriage was going nowhere. It must hurt like hell that he has gone... I hope you can rebuild something stronger with him if you think it can work. I think you have been very unhappy in your marriage and more importantly within yourself for a long time. You have reached out to things that seem to have made you feel wanted and desired. Sadly they were not real. I really do wish you all the best and the chance to work it out with your husband if that is what you want. You take are Lissar. ((hugs))
rina_r Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 That's a little harsh, don't you think, Enema? Have YOU lived a pristine perfect life?? I dont think it is harsh. truth sometimes hurts. And i was cheated on once. You forgive but never forget!
hopesndreams Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Amen. Her H did things to hurt the marriage. SHE had unprotected sex with another man. All her's to own. She is dealing with her decisions, so why encourage her to play the victim? Birds of a feather flock together.
bayouboi Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Wow, the responses from the women in this thread are astounding. "There there it will be okay you will be stronger in time" "Awww it's okay sweetie, he's a jerk for leaving you, you'll get over this" etc. She cheated on him. It seems like this part of the story is acceptable to the women who've responded in this thread. To the OP, you made a mistake....a TERRIBLE mistake. The problem is, if he works things out with you, it's almost like he's accepting your behavior, which means there's nothing to keep you from cheating on him again. Why would he want you back? Why SHOULD he want you back? Why do YOU even want him back now that you've shown yourself that you're capable of cheating on him in the first place? If you're truly sorry about what you've done to him and you truly want him back, you have to find some way of proving that you'd never do anything like that again....but good luck with that because it's an upmountain battle.
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