Recovery..almost turned upside down

[Beeotch]

 

I'm starting my post off with a smile because I am not feeling upset and depressed but hopeful. I have lots to be grateful for in my life, sooo much going on with me in terms of school and my life, I'm going to South Africa on January 1st, I am a senior in college and just excited about all the possibilities and things I have coming up next semester and out in "the real world". I have amazing family and great friends....I am pretty, intelligent, educated, compassionate, ambitious, loving, and an overall "great catch". Sooo thinking about these things, reaffirming myself and reading a bunch of inspirational stuff has really put me in a good mood.

 

I had my story of reconciliation-sort-of called "Progress"...wow and just as I typed the title of my thread I remembered like a bolt of lightning something I read a couple days ago saying "Progress is not linear". Wow! Funny, cause I was also reading about synchronicity and meaningful coincidences as messages from the universe.....so that is interesting haha...message for me? Maybe.

 

Anyway....this kind of shifts my mentality. My initial post was going to be kind of affirming myself then saying how reconciliation is not all that people imagine it to be. So far my ex has resurfaced and said a lot, apologized for mistakes, admits to missing me, still liking me, admits to his issues and wanting my help, said he wants me to trust him again, said he is not ready to get back into a relationship but wants to settle down and wants his next relationship to be his last and that he thinks I am a good match for him, he doesn't want to date around anymore, said he gets bored with women easily and he was not bored with me and can see me keeping his interest for a long time, he thinks we're compatible and a lot of our break up was bad timing. I was hanging out with him, being cautious. But of course I want what I want when I want it---. I KNOW his issues and I realize he cannot overcome them overnight but my own fears and mistrust and anxiety makes me want him to do things how and when I want him to. Maybe that is somethng I have to work on?

 

I am scared to trust him scared to try to be friends, because let's face it---we can't be friends! I am scared that I will try to be friends liking him the whole time and he up and decides he doesn't want a relationship with me...all these various scenarios. Ever since he has resurfaced I went back to that place of prolonged anxiety where I now have expectations of him. For example, I expect since he resurfaced and declared all these things he will keep in consistent contact with me, we will be hanging out more and be on some journey together. BUT that is not the case. I spoke to him last Monday, he told me to call back on Wednesday, I didn't...I texted him saying something insignificant, he didn't reply (this was an issue I had with him after the break up where I felt like he wouldn't reply to my texts and sometimes calls and then act like it was ok and I thought it was very disrespectful and ill-mannered, ho are you going to blatantly ignore me but then call me up whenever you want??? ....I spoke to him about it and I feel like if you know this bothers me and you don't change it, you don't care, esp now when you're supposedly trying to get me to trust you).

 

Fine...you didnt reply to that text on Wednesday. Left it alone. Called last night at around 8 something, no reply, up til today no call back or text back or any acknowledgment. That infuriates me. It makes me start to feel like I am bothering him or he is doing stuff with other women or is too busy for me or worst I'm like maybe he is dead in a ditch. I had been feeling that same level of being on the back burner, like I was chasing him, like I was being played while he does whatever---I DID NOT want to revert back to those same feelings of hurt, anger and anxiety. So I decided that I can't do this reconciliation thing. Eff it!

 

I decided that I'd rather walk away than be teased or in this state of limbo or unknown. I much preferred when he was with his rebound and I knew it was stupid so I let him do it, had no expectations of him and lived my life.....than having hopes now and thinking about him more etc. I felt like my recovery was being turned upside down--ALMOST--and that I am gonna put the brakes on it and just drop him from my expectations, thoughts and wants....and let what is to happen, happen.

 

 

I am STILL pretty much decided on that but as it would have it---I feel like almost everytime I decide to make some resolution to tell him to eff off, something happens like he will randomly text me, or I will be reminded of something that makes me say...hmmmm wait. I'm tired of it though! Because as I said, typing this thread I remembered I read about progress not being linear and sometimes you go back and forth and apart and things are divided before they actually become smooth and more clear. Reminder from the universe? I dunno.

 

Sooo those are my current feelings.....

[Yael]

Hey hun. I feel for you. I feel I am in the exact same position, my ex has declared he wants to be with me, but not right now (and I am not sure _I_ am ready for it). However at the same time, as has been pointed out to me - how are you suppose to work on the trust and rebuilding if your not together.

 

I am so confused - unlike you though he has stated he wants to grow old with me and he knows there is no one else out there better for him than me.

 

So why are we not giving it a go? I dont know. It is too soon.. there is still too much hurt.. so what are we? dating? waiting and not speaking? single and seeing other people (and hope neither of us f'k up?). It is so hard, and I wonder if it is worth it.

 

But at the end of the day my heart tells me I want him and I want him forever. So as another friend said to me - go get him. We only live once, and sometimes even that is cut short. I am sure I have not helped, just know your not on your own!

[Beeotch]

Hey hun. I feel for you. I feel I am in the exact same position, my ex has declared he wants to be with me, but not right now (and I am not sure _I_ am ready for it). However at the same time, as has been pointed out to me - how are you suppose to work on the trust and rebuilding if your not together.

 

I am so confused - unlike you though he has stated he wants to grow old with me and he knows there is no one else out there better for him than me.

 

So why are we not giving it a go? I dont know. It is too soon.. there is still too much hurt.. so what are we? dating? waiting and not speaking? single and seeing other people (and hope neither of us f'k up?). It is so hard, and I wonder if it is worth it.

 

But at the end of the day my heart tells me I want him and I want him forever. So as another friend said to me - go get him. We only live once, and sometimes even that is cut short. I am sure I have not helped, just know your not on your own!

 

Thanks for the response