Is my "boyfriend" a putz, or am I???????

[OrlandoGirl]

Hi Everyone,

 

I haven't posted on here in eons, regarding myself that is..because I was in a relationship for the longest time.

 

Well, now, I'm back in the dating game, which is why i'm here.

 

I started seeing a guy almost 3 months ago now. We are both the same age, 27, never been married, no children, just seeing what's out there. Since it's been so long for me.. and i'm used to the "comfort zone" so to speak.. I need some peoples advice to help me, and remind me, what's normal or acceptable here.

 

Things have been going cool for the most part, there are a few things that I might consider "red flags" though. Let me start with this.. when I start seeing some exclusively, I try to put everything I have into learning the real them the best I can. What drives them, their motivators, family life, EVERYTHING. I don't like to waste my time with one person thinking they'll change, or accepting extremely bad habits. Once I realize we're not compatible on a more serious level I'll go my own way. Life is too short to waste on one person who you just don't "click" with. On that note..

 

The man I was with was very giving, compassionate, family oriented, honest, respectful (the idea of even looking at porn to him was disgusting!), so..needless to say.. I'm not comparing anyone to him, but i've had the best and I can't see myself settling for anything less now. For those wondering, we would be together except our country took him away from me.

 

So, on to the guy I'm dating currently. He's affectionate in some sense, he hasn't taken me on a offical date yet..we do things together but it's more centered around night life (where both of our careers are based around) I've spent the night at his house, we cuddle in bed, he rubs my feet, he holds my hand.. that's all fine and dandy. But should I be concerned he hasn't taken me out on a offical date? We spend a ton of time together, and he still refers to me as his "friend"..although we have had the talk and have BOTH stated we want to see no one else. Is this normal as well? We're both really digging eachother at this point, and know we want to pursue this because we've gotten to know eacother extremely well. Comments on that??

 

Also.. I am very against porn and we've had this discussion, so he knows where I stand. But there's one thing that really irks me, and that is that he proudly displays pornographic material on one of his walls in his home. I know..it's his home..it's been only 3 months.. but still.. is this overreacting? I haven't had to deal with this before, so I really don't know how to approach it. I don't want to compromise my beliefs, but I don't want to compromise his either.

 

Another thing..he's not very good at expressing, vocally, how he thinks/feels when it comes to certain things. For example..I was being cute last night, and was throwing compliment after compliment his way to see what he'd say. He didn't reciprocate..physically I know he finds me attractive.. but sometimes it's nice to hear. Sometimes it's just nice to hear how someone feels about you as well. How do I get him to open up? He's kind of a macho man.. if that gives anyone any inkling

 

Now..for the last thing.. We were supposed to do something this evening, and he had a last minute obligation. He said he'd call me around 10, didn't call til midnight.. said he'd call when he was done..and never called again. I can understand why, I think. Maybe he had too much to drink and fell asleep.. but is that any insight into how dedicated his is into living up to his word, even if it is a simple phone call? I mean..if a man can be so oblivious to a small thing..is that a sign he'll be that way with even bigger things?

 

Any input would be appreciated. I know these are very tiny issues in the larger perspective of what's going on..but going from the absolute perfect man to a "real world" man.. well, it's pretty hard trying to figure out.

 

Thank you

[OrlandoGirl]

just wanted to state that we both decided we did NOT want to date other people.. :)

[yogi-mon]

Things have been going cool for the most part, there are a few things that I might consider "red flags" though. Let me start with this.. when I start seeing some exclusively, I try to put everything I have into learning the real them the best I can. What drives them, their motivators, family life, EVERYTHING. I don't like to waste my time with one person thinking they'll change, or accepting extremely bad habits. Once I realize we're not compatible on a more serious level I'll go my own way. Life is too short to waste on one person who you just don't "click" with. On that note..

Albert Einstien chewed his finger nails, forgot to wash sometimes, and never

wore the same coloured socks.

Almost every interesting person I can think of it full of flaws.

 

Flaws can make the individual more interesting.... perhaps.

 

The man I was with was very giving, compassionate, family oriented, honest, respectful (the idea of even looking at porn to him was disgusting!), so..needless to say.. I'm not comparing anyone to him, but i've had the best and I can't see myself settling for anything less now. For those wondering, we would be together except our country took him away from me.

That makes no sense.

You say your not comparing him to anyone, but then you say you cant settle for

anything less now? Makes sense doesnt it.

 

So, on to the guy I'm dating currently.

The fact that you made the above statement shows your not sure

about this new guy.

If you want it to work, I think you will need to stop second guessing

right now.

 

Or, quit.

 

He's affectionate in some sense, he hasn't taken me on a offical date yet..we do things together but it's more centered around night life (where both of our careers are based around) I've spent the night at his house, we cuddle in bed, he rubs my feet, he holds my hand.. that's all fine and dandy. But should I be concerned he hasn't taken me out on a offical date? We spend a ton of time together, and he still refers to me as his "friend"..although we have had the talk and have BOTH stated we want to see no one else. Is this normal as well? We're both really digging eachother at this point, and know we want to pursue this because we've gotten to know eacother extremely well. Comments on that??

Sounds like a booty call to me. I could be wrong.

 

Also.. I am very against porn and we've had this discussion, so he knows where I stand. But there's one thing that really irks me, and that is that he proudly displays pornographic material on one of his walls in his home. I know..it's his home..it's been only 3 months.. but still.. is this overreacting? I haven't had to deal with this before, so I really don't know how to approach it. I don't want to compromise my beliefs, but I don't want to compromise his either.

I think you are somewhat over reacting but it depends on how it makes you

feel. There is nothing wrong with having a feeling.

 

Another thing..he's not very good at expressing, vocally, how he thinks/feels when it comes to certain things. For example..I was being cute last night, and was throwing compliment after compliment his way to see what he'd say. He didn't reciprocate..physically I know he finds me attractive.. but sometimes it's nice to hear. Sometimes it's just nice to hear how someone feels about you as well. How do I get him to open up? He's kind of a macho man.. if that gives anyone any inkling

He doesnt sound interested?

or he may just need to be coached.. he may not trust women very much.

put some amount of effort in, not too much though.

Now..for the last thing.. We were supposed to do something this evening, and he had a last minute obligation. He said he'd call me around 10, didn't call til midnight.. said he'd call when he was done..and never called again. I can understand why, I think. Maybe he had too much to drink and fell asleep.. but is that any insight into how dedicated his is into living up to his word, even if it is a simple phone call? I mean..if a man can be so oblivious to a small thing..is that a sign he'll be that way with even bigger things?

Your being played?

 

Any input would be appreciated. I know these are very tiny issues in the larger perspective of what's going on..but going from the absolute perfect man to a "real world" man.. well, it's pretty hard trying to figure out.

Because he likes Porn?

That is not a flaw to every girl.

Some women like porn.

[clia]

But should I be concerned he hasn't taken me out on a offical date?

 

Yes. No way in hell would I commit to a guy who hadn't even taken me out on a date! So I take it you are either out in groups or snuggling up at home? Very, very strange!

 

We spend a ton of time together, and he still refers to me as his "friend"

 

This doesn't make sense at all if you are committed.

 

I don't want to compromise my beliefs, but I don't want to compromise his either.

 

Then perhaps you two aren't right for each other. If the porn thing is going to bother you that much, you should find a guy who doesn't care for it. (If he exists... )

 

How do I get him to open up?

 

Time...or maybe this is just how he is. Maybe he'll never be what you want him to be.

[amerikajin]

>>>he hasn't taken me on a offical date yet<<<

 

Define what you mean by "official date". You mean, he hasn't taken you out to dinner or to get a cup of coffee? No movies? Just slumber together or meet at a bar? Look, I don't want to be judgmental because each relationship is different. But it just seems that if you take out some of those traditional dating steps you lose something. Dating is a process of exploration, and I've come to the conclusion over time that you should take time to do that. I think there are steps.

 

I know it seems a bit sterile to say something like this, but I sometimes make the analogy to a job. I think you have to think of yourself as a manager hiring someone to do the job of giving you good romance. Now if you were the manager of a company called Love, Inc., you would want to make this newbie of yours prove to you that he's reliable before giving him the long-term employment contract. You wouldn't promote this guy in the first one or two months, right? Well, why why would you increase his status in your life by giving him the opportunity to sleep with you or spend a ton of time together? What has he proved to you that would make you think he's earned your full time and attention?

 

>>>Also.. I am very against porn and we've had this discussion, so he knows where I stand. But there's one thing that really irks me, and that is that he proudly displays pornographic material on one of his walls in his home.<<<

 

How would you define pornographic material? Maybe I live a sheltered life, I don't know of anyone who displays smut on their walls at home for all guests to see (even most porn addicts are more discreet than that). Are you talking about a photo of a nude model or an art piece? A nude body doesn't necessarily equate to porn, though if it makes you feel uncomfortable you should discuss that issue at some point. But I mean, if he's displaying porn on his walls then he's just plain weird, and yes, I think you should be finding the exit door fast.

 

>>>Another thing..he's not very good at expressing, vocally, how he thinks/feels when it comes to certain things. For example..I was being cute last night, and was throwing compliment after compliment his way to see what he'd say.<<<

 

Men are conditioned to be careful with their compliments. He's probably thinking that if he overdoes it with the compliments, he'll look like a weak puppy in your eyes. After all, we all know that there is such a thing as being "too nice". If it upsets you, then talk about it with him.

 

>>>Now..for the last thing.. We were supposed to do something this evening, and he had a last minute obligation. He said he'd call me around 10, didn't call til midnight.. said he'd call when he was done..and never called again. I can understand why, I think. Maybe he had too much to drink and fell asleep.. but is that any insight into how dedicated his is into living up to his word, even if it is a simple phone call? I mean..if a man can be so oblivious to a small thing..is that a sign he'll be that way with even bigger things?<<<

 

And yet if he were to call you just like he promised every single time, you'd probably be writing here about how boring or predictable he is. But he didn't, and you're thrown for a loop. My guess is you're an attractive woman, and you're probably used to getting loads of compliments thrown your way, but you've run into a guy who isn't kissing your @ss and it's thrown you for a loop. Actually, you probably like it, but you're just insecure to the point where you have to find out from other women what to do.

 

Cheers