reboot Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I think many people misunderstand trust. In the end, it's something you give, not something someone earns. How do we ever know who we can trust and who we can't? When we decide to trust someone and they break that trust, how do we know when we can trust them again? The answer to both questions is we don't. No matter what a person says or does to gain, or regain, our trust, there are no guarantees. We simply make a decision to trust, or in some cases to trust again, and then we do it.
anokneemouse Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Well my 20 year marriage has survived two affairs one emotional and one physical. I am not sure if we can survive this third one, emotional affair. DD happened a year ago. I have tried to be in it 100% but since DD I have not been able to shake the trust issue and the betrayal. I personally never had an affair. How we have survived? The only explanation I can come up with is my personal relationship with God. I know because I made that vow, in sickness and health and the rest of the verbage, I cannot break them. Though he has three times. I guess I am a woman of my word. I forsake all others. Don't get me wrong. I have not been a door mat for him to walk over. I used to bring up the first two all the time. One day I just said you know what I don't want to live like that anymore. This third one though, it has had me in a headlock for a little over a year. I can't let my guard down. I can't just hand over my heart like I have before. I know this isn't fair to me or to DH. On the other hand, he has been true to his word since then. I can honestly say there has been no lying or suspect behavior. I know the pattern now. We have several good weeks then I am like ok when is the shoe going to drop right on my head again. I don't want to be the fool again. He takes the responsibility for what he has done and knows why I feel like I do. He has told me he desperately wishes that he could undo it. I just can't relax about it. It's been hell. I can't be up to par because I don't want to be sideswiped again. It has really strained our relationship, this third affair. I went through the different scenarios of is it because she was younger, because she was more understanding, (his excuse when DD came around)? I just don't know. My support system, friends and family, think I am insane for staying. My mom says I will never leave him. I go through the maybe I just don't love myself enough but then I know that is wrong. I am a successful woman. In the past year I have done more things for myself than any other year. I have released myself of the guilt that I failed him. I have released myself of the blame that I was not good enough for him. Yet I cannot hand the keys to my heart to him at this time. My sister asks how much longer can you give this? I don't have an answer. My BFF (has seen me through two of these affairs) asks how many more times do you need? I only whisper to her one more time, I swear it. Yet if I know that I can wait for the one more time, why can't I just give him 100% me. It's a definite unstable condition I am in, within myself. When we talk he understands it all. I have no idea as to which direction to turn and just live it one day at a time and hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
norajane Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I went through the different scenarios of is it because she was younger, because she was more understanding, (his excuse when DD came around)? I just don't know. I have released myself of the guilt that I failed him. I have released myself of the blame that I was not good enough for him. You've thought of everything but the obvious - your husband is messed up. Why do you take the blame for HIS actions? Why are you seeking fault within yourself as a reason for what he did? Haven't you considered that the faults lie within him? Haven't you considered that he is not capable of loyalty and fidelity? He is a weak man who would rather see you in pain than keep his dick in his pants. He would rather see you in pain than forgo the ego stroke he gets from the attention of other women. Let him go. Three strikes and he's out. There is nothing YOU can do to fix HIM. HE is the one with the problem, yet you are the one suffering for it. Dump him. Life is too short to waste on men who abuse you emotionally like this.
imagine Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 SadGreenEyes, You say that your husband forgave you. Did you not forgive yourself?
Author SadGreenEyes Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 I havent been able to forgive myself...I lost a lot, but I know I am also human, what I did was wrong and not on purpose. It's a tough pill to swallow. SGE
Woggle Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I would never forgive an affair. If she cheated we would be divorced as soon as possible. I am faithful and I expect the same from her.
MizFit Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 EA or PA...doesn't matter. A CRITICAL part of the reconciliation is NC between WS and OW/OM...FOREVER. My wife understands this as well. She knows full well that if she were to resume ANY kind of contact with OM...our marriage would be over. I don't know that I would say "unforgiveable" or not...but...I do know that I personally would view that as a resumption of the affair. And I personally would not attempt reconciliation with a serial cheater. Again, I say this not having been there...but that's my opinion. She knows how strongly I feel on the subject of contact with OM again...and doing so would be a clear indicator that she valued contact with him over our marriage. Going down the lines of NC and contact... if your S were to have another A (either P or E) would it be forgiveable if it were someone other than the OM? Would it be more difficult to overcome a second A with the same AP or someone completely new? Not trying to TJ here...just an interesting concept I thought of when the NC issue came up in OWLs post.
anokneemouse Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 You've thought of everything but the obvious - your husband is messed up. Why do you take the blame for HIS actions? Why are you seeking fault within yourself as a reason for what he did? Haven't you considered that the faults lie within him? Haven't you considered that he is not capable of loyalty and fidelity? He is a weak man who would rather see you in pain than keep his dick in his pants. He would rather see you in pain than forgo the ego stroke he gets from the attention of other women. Let him go. Three strikes and he's out. There is nothing YOU can do to fix HIM. HE is the one with the problem, yet you are the one suffering for it. Dump him. Life is too short to waste on men who abuse you emotionally like this. Thank you NJ! I have been saying those same things to myself over and over. Just to clarify, When I was saying that I released myself from the guilt and blame. I was really saying that I went through those motions. It was a thought process I went through. I blame only him. I did nothing wrong except "misunderstand" him. I say with sarcasm. LOL! Leaving... is where I am stuck at for now. There are a few loose ends I have to tie up, before I do go out on my own. Mostly financial so that I do not carry baggage with me. I know it may take some time. I am patient. I am aware that good things come to those who wait. So once those loose ends are tied up I know I will be just fine financially and may even be able to take my cruise! I do believe that it is only a matter of time before this will happen again. So my instinct is to get out before it does.
soserious1 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) Simple...she doesn't. Anyone stupid enough to even consider voicing an opinion like that to my face or hers would end up knocked on their butt with a quickness. Were you to make that same comment to my face in person, you'd find yourself in a similar position, without the slightest hesitation on my part. That's my wife you're talking about there, bud. She made some seriously stupid, selfish choices that hurt me and our children. She realized what she did, decided to work with me to save our marriage, and has been forgiven by myself and my kids. Anyone who can't cope with that doesn't need to be part of our lives. She's not a "shameless whore", and never will be. I'd suggest you go back and read my story rather than make assumptions on something you don't have all the facts on, my friend. Not at all. Clearly you don't understand the concept of "partnership". Look it up. I can recommend a number of good books outlining some great fundamentals in how a marriage works out well between two equal partners, if you like. Had you read through my response carefully, you would have noted that SHE HAS BEEN FORGIVEN. That means that it's in the past...it's not something that she's "still paying for" in any shape, fashion, or form. It DID require a lot of effort on her part to make the reconciliation work out...a lot of effort on her part to rebuild that trust. It did require her to become an "open book" as far as her communications with others went for a long time...but at the same time, I provided the exact same access on my side...it wasn't a one way street, or a situation where she was held hostage. Not at all...her other option was to leave the marriage as she'd originally thought she was going to. I'd suggest you take your hostiility elsewhere, friend. I'm unimpressed. She was ready to throw you and your children aside like just more pieces of garbage all because her panties got moist for another guy.. Think about that.. she was ready, willing and eager to just up and walk away.. all for a guy she hadn't even slept with yet. I'm betting you do still think about that.. and often, I'm also betting that everybody you exposed her affair to thinks about it every time they see her. She's not just your wife, she's the wife who was ready to dump her husband and walk away from her children all because she got wet between the legs for another guy. Guess what? people don't forget women who do such things, they don't trust them around their husbands or their sons, their every word is suspect. All those people you told? don't kid yourself they haven't forgotten not by a long shot. And you haven't forgotten either.. if you had you wouldn't still be here you'd be out there enjoying your new, improved strong marriage. You're a good guy Owl but you can't tell me that a woman can come within a hair's breath of throwing away her husband and walking away from her children and stay in the marriage unless she's willing to assume the one down position of power in that relationship. There's a name for women who abandon their children to run off with a new man and the fact that your wife came within an inch of doing so? you might have forgiven her but how can you ever forget it and how can your children or anybody else you've told? Edited December 22, 2009 by soserious1
datura_noir Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I'm willing to bet that lots more marriages/partnerships survive and thrive after an infidelity than we know.. Having said that, I drew my firm, deep line in the sand in that, if there were ever any contact with the OP, or another indiscretion, I am out. We have no children nor property and assets tying us together, never did. I can survive without him, he knows. He can survive without me, I'm positive.I no longer (and haven't for the longest) checked his emails, his phone, etc....I don't know if he thinks of her or not-I'm sure he does-I can't pick his brain! I really don't care if he reminisces....What I DO care about is- He is either with me or not. We are either committed or not. We work on US. Always evolving, always growing. I have interests that he doesn't share. Same for him. That is not the death knell for us. Not knowing the differences and respecting them surely would be.
anne1707 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Our marriage has survived and is the best it has been for a long time. My H had a very brief affair - he pretty much told me as soon as it started though I had known something was wrong. We got through that but then I had a 3 year affair with a work colleague which almost destroyed us. Dday was 17 months ago and we are still here together. I went through IC and we both went to MC. It was extremely tough and painful for us both but especially my husband because I had hurt him so much. But through all this, we have made more time for us and appreciate far more how important our relationship is to us. Whenever one of us is feeling down in any way, we talk about it. We deal with things before they become a problem. As for the ex-OM, I still have to work with hin which is horrible. My H and I are both far happier when either I am on leave from work on when the ex-OM is. That constant reminder is hell. However my H knows that I am looking for another job and I suspect also knows that I am now disgusted by the ex-OM now that I can see him for what he really is (more to this but not for this thread). So yes, marriages can survivive and not as some empty sham or ghost of what it used to be.
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