Anxiety is such a life drainer ...

[Eisenhower]

I was already devestated that my ex (I was her rebound after divorce) ended our relationship after a year and a half saying she just couldn't be in a relationship, she couldn't handle the pressure. We tried, with great difficulty to be "friends" but of course, I was always asking if when she got her life sorted, we couldn't give it a fair shot. She'd never say yes or no, just "I don't know." She was keeping me at arm's length but never letting go either.

 

Then I find out she's with another guy from work (we all work at the same place) and had been straight up lying to me, telling me she wasn't with anyone. Of course I told her I was done with her and wanted her out of my life for good. When I discovered clear evidence they were together, I emailed her to let her know I knew how much she'd been lying to me - I had to let her know I saw her for what she is - a lier. She never responded (what could she say?) and I know she's trying to keep their relationhip secret just like she tried to keep ours secret from work folks.

 

I've got to say though, the only thing that hurts worse than losing her to "post divorce issues" is now knowing she's started seeing someone else. Her lies on top of that just make it seem like a betrayal, which is even worse.

 

I've never felt such anxiety in my life. It's not like I want her back. I mean I do - but I know I'd never trust her knowing how she can lie, so I don't honestly think I'd even consider being with her. But you know how it is - you miss the good times and the seemingly unconditional love they lavished when times were good. Now, I'm consumed with thoughts that she's giving all that to some other guy. Plus I'm always on guard trying not to run into her (or them) at work (thankfully I rarely ever do).

 

I'm already looking for another job to get out of that situation, but it won't be easy - the kind of work I do is hard to find. I'm not the kind of person who can just put things out of my mind, so these have been some dark days indeed. I even realize that 90% of our relationship was intense physical attraction and sexual compatability, because we really have very little in common, but it's still very hard because we were so affectionate with each other - when that's pulled away, it's like withdrawal from drugs or something. Very hard.

 

Sorry so long - I guess I just needed to vent. It's going to be a long, slow climb out of this pit, especially since she's on my mind every time I pull into work. God bless all of you who are feeling the pain of a breakup - it's truly one of the hardest things you can go through. With a death, you accept that your loved one is gone. But with a breakup you're forced to come to grips with the realization that they're gone because they just don't love you anymore. That's so devestating to the spirit.

 

Eisenhower

[singlegirl]

Eisenhower I am sorry your feeling so badly and can't even escape this thing at work....

 

It hurts like hell but remember and hold on to a few little truths

 

She will never have with him what she had with you..He is not you, he may not even be decent in bed and then what would their relationship be? truth is who knows? no one knows? from what you describe he is a stop gap as she appears to not be able to commit to a man...He will most probably eventually go through the wringer too....poor shmuck has no idea I'm guessing....

 

I felt the same anxt and wrote a pros and cons list of staying with the man i just broke up with. My Lord i couldn't even fill half a page of the pros and the ones that were there had long been cancelled out by the cons...try not to dwell on the good times and remember why it ended....we all deserve to be loved by someoene who can commit to us totally

[Eisenhower]

Thanks for the words. You're right, a pros and cons list would be terribly one-sided, I'm afraid:

 

Pros:

We fell hard for one another

Unbelievable sex neither of us had ever had before;

Absolute love for her two small children (with all my heart)

 

Cons:

She had a pretty wild past that haunted me

She and I could never have an intellectual conversation (or really much of anything to talk about)

She loved sports, I could care less

I love music, she could care less

The secrecy around our relationship caused a lot of tension

In 1.5 years of dating, she would never let me come to her house because she felt it was inappropriate being newly divorced. (of course the new guy benefits because she finally moved into a new house)

She never feels she can leave AZ, while I want to move one day - this caused recurring tension

She's terrible at communicating - I'm a communicator

 

The list could go on. I know on paper, there's no way I'd have ever picked her for a mate, and frankly, I always wondered if I could ever really make her my wife and be comfortable given that while we loved each other, we had so little in common. She's was only 27 when we got together (I was 36) and between the physical relationship and the kids, I fell in hard (so did she). For the first year she was always saying she wanted to be mine forever and I was the best thing that had ever happened to her and the kids (I recognize it was a rebound now). Then her Dad died and she really changed. It was the end of us. I just can't believe we shared so many promises and sacred moments of love yet she could so deliberately lie to me. I know she's messed up, but I never deserved dishonesty.

 

Anway ... rambling. Nice to get it off my chest though.

 

Eisenhower

[Beeotch]

I was already devestated that my ex (I was her rebound after divorce) ended our relationship after a year and a half saying she just couldn't be in a relationship, she couldn't handle the pressure. We tried, with great difficulty to be "friends" but of course, I was always asking if when she got her life sorted, we couldn't give it a fair shot. She'd never say yes or no, just "I don't know." She was keeping me at arm's length but never letting go either.

 

Then I find out she's with another guy from work (we all work at the same place) and had been straight up lying to me, telling me she wasn't with anyone. Of course I told her I was done with her and wanted her out of my life for good. When I discovered clear evidence they were together, I emailed her to let her know I knew how much she'd been lying to me - I had to let her know I saw her for what she is - a lier. She never responded (what could she say?) and I know she's trying to keep their relationhip secret just like she tried to keep ours secret from work folks.

 

I've got to say though, the only thing that hurts worse than losing her to "post divorce issues" is now knowing she's started seeing someone else. Her lies on top of that just make it seem like a betrayal, which is even worse.

 

I've never felt such anxiety in my life. It's not like I want her back. I mean I do - but I know I'd never trust her knowing how she can lie, so I don't honestly think I'd even consider being with her. But you know how it is - you miss the good times and the seemingly unconditional love they lavished when times were good. Now, I'm consumed with thoughts that she's giving all that to some other guy. Plus I'm always on guard trying not to run into her (or them) at work (thankfully I rarely ever do).

 

I'm already looking for another job to get out of that situation, but it won't be easy - the kind of work I do is hard to find. I'm not the kind of person who can just put things out of my mind, so these have been some dark days indeed. I even realize that 90% of our relationship was intense physical attraction and sexual compatability, because we really have very little in common, but it's still very hard because we were so affectionate with each other - when that's pulled away, it's like withdrawal from drugs or something. Very hard.

 

Sorry so long - I guess I just needed to vent. It's going to be a long, slow climb out of this pit, especially since she's on my mind every time I pull into work. God bless all of you who are feeling the pain of a breakup - it's truly one of the hardest things you can go through. With a death, you accept that your loved one is gone. But with a breakup you're forced to come to grips with the realization that they're gone because they just don't love you anymore. That's so devestating to the spirit.

 

Eisenhower

 

I can relate....it's a biatch! Reminds me of the thread asking about what's so bad about rebounds, and your story is an example of what is bad....when the person isn't ready, they have this intense relationship and the rebounder (if there is such a thing lol) eventually realizes the truth, that they have nothing in common, they aren't that "inlove" and they just want to get out of it...then the other person is usually caught up and has no clue and ends up devastating.

 

Chances are this new guy is also a rebound for her and she really needs some time to get her self together, but most people don't want to be alone and deal with their pain and issues so they immediately find others.

 

Anxiety...OMG....worst feeling ever. It really is is. Wish I could give you a uick solution, but unfortunately I broke up with my ex in March and have learned that there are no quick fixes. All you can do is make a resolution, and just go forward through the pain and cut the person off and do you. Then slooooowly but surely the pain decreases and then one day when you don't expect it, you're over it.

 

My ex recently resurfaced in my life after breaking up with his rebound...but I no realize that while I love him, this is also bringing me back to that place of anxiety and I HATE IT! So I've decided to be done with him. Like you, I don't trust him, while I love him, I really don't trust him...he no longer makes me feel safe or secure. With him in my life it makes me anxious all the time...I hate that feeling so I'm done with it.

 

Goodluck on your NEW journey because for me that is what it has been and if you use this time WISELY it can realllly help you to come out stronger--no joke.

[Eisenhower]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sure trying. Every day is a struggle but I'm just going to do the best I can.

[tVII]

hey man i feel you. i work with my ex and guess what: ITS POSSIBLE. and we work in a small square. think a small shop in a mall. YUP.

 

what you should do now is these goals:

 

destroy hope that you will be with her again

 

(because really, ur not getting back with her.)

 

realize she doesn't owe you anything.

 

(that includes respect, this goes with the break up)

 

let her go mentally

 

(cuz really thats where you are holding on, LET HER DATE OTHER PEOPLE, think in your head: if you HAD THE CHOICE to let her date others, would you? your goal is to say YES.)

 

realize she came into your life to make you stronger. thats it. that was her purpose. her purpose is fufilled. now let her go.

 

good luck my friend. stay strong. im praying for you.