Just started dating.. going slow..expectations for Christmas?

[Desi]

Hello,

 

It's been a while since I posted here last but you guys have helped a lot. So Christmas Is around the corner and I have a bit of heartache because I have been dating a guy for 2 months now and things are absolutely great when we are together, honestly we feel the most amazing connection, emotionally and physically..he asked me to exclusively date him about a month ago and said he wants to go slow to figure each other out and make sure we are right for each other..thats when we are together, we usually date once a week, he treats me like a princess.. but then he is a bit slow to keep in tocuh with me when we are not together. Barely calls me, maybe once a week, sends me quick text messages , maybe one per day and that is frustating me becuase I'm starting to fall for him, and im not sure if his lack of communication means he wants nothing else...

Now the holidays are around the corner and I dont know if I should "test" him for Christmas and see how much I really mean to him..

 

I dont know if we should be exchanging gifts, and if he doesnt ask me to spend time with him before I leave to my trip on saturday or gets me even a card...would this be a major RED FLAG? ... I saw him yesterday and he didnt mention anything about this week yet.

 

What would you expect and would his lack of phone calls be a red flag as well.. in a few words should Christmas be a mesuring "ruler" about the way he feels about me..?

 

Thoughts please.. I don't know what to expect

[boogieboy]

Since he wants to take things slow, Im pretty sure he doesnt want to fall for you yet, hence the lack of communication. Sounds like he wants to take things REALLY slow, once per week? So dont expect anything for xmas. Or hes seeing someone else... Dont start falling for him until he shows more interest. You cant force him with a test, you will only get dissappointed. You will have to wait for him to escalate things at his pace.

[DustySaltus]

I am this guy right now. The girl that I am seeing got me a gift and I got her one as well. I do care about her but I am still somewhat jaded and feel like there is another side to her. I told her about my situation and she is understanding...but i'm sure she will eventually run out of patience.

 

So at that point what will she do? She'll either give me an ultimatium or I will decide that I want to be with her exclusively. She'll either be really happy or hurt, but she knew what she was getting into from the beginning. Just take this for what it's worth. I hope things do work out.

 

I would tell him you would like to see him before you go away. If he blows you off, you know where your at. Good luck.

[Desi]

Awesome replies.well he invited me to go skiing with him on the weekend and I said no becuase I had already planned a trip with my friends. He said he had put the cabin on hold till next year and we can go then...

So that's a cute detail right.. inviting to spend a weekend with him but then the slow part and what you guys are saying, I know its not me, there is no other dark side to me.. he always compliments me about eveyrthing, my personality, my sense of humour, my positiveness, how strong I am.. he says he loves to spend time with me and that he never gets bored, he says im passionate about life, really smart , strong personality.. I he has mentioned this over and over..I mean WHY arent you falling then?

 

And yes this is why im asking.. becuase at the end he can blow me off and along "I knew it" .. what is he waiting for? fear of being hurt maybe.. dont know.

 

Dusty Saltus.. how long have you been dating and do you think you will make it exclusive ?

 

Yes I will run out of a patience, and he knows I dont take bs..he knows it well. So maybe I will just give it time.. and then make him pick sides...

[DustySaltus]

Desi,

 

Let me give you a little history. I went out with someone for 6 years (18-24) and we broke up. I then reconnected with my high school sweetheart about 3 months later. We "dated" for about a year. Every time she would bring up a relationship I would tell her that I wasn't ready. She stuck around for about a year and then one day after dinner she gave me an ultimatum, either be in a relationship with me or nothing at all. I told her that I still needed more time (but the fact was that I still didn't know what I wanted) and she gave me a kiss, said goodbye and I never heard from her again. That was a little under 3 years ago.

 

Then I reconnected with someone that I thought was the love of my life (I met when I was 17 at a summer camp) nearly 9 years later and I wound up moving to Israel to be with her. We got engaged and then things went horribly wrong (you can see my old posts). I have now been back almost 6 months and have been dating this girl for a little under two.

 

So with the things that I've been through in the past I want to take it slow but at the same time do not want to lead someone on. The probelm is if I knew that it was just a "fling" with this new girl, I would tell her that. But right now it's more than a fling but less than a relationship for me. The only thing that will help me figure out what I want is TIME. But after hurting my old high school sweetheart like I did, I feel obligated to let this girl know sooner than later.

 

So to answer your question, it's still too early for me to tell. And I will be honest with you, I have been with other girls while with her because we are NOT yet in a relationship. Just take that into account when he says what he says, because he may not know what he wants either but he does enjoy your company. Yeah, it's selfish but sometimes people get jaded and they aren't as open to other people's feelings as they should be.

[Desi]

DustySaltus - this makes me think about a lot of things. It just means he is not sure of what he wants, and if that's the case then Im just being flopped and wasting my time.

I'm sorry about the rant everyone, this is just so depressing, just around CHristmas time.

Don't ask me why I get that feeling that he might be seeing someone else.

Last nigh topped it. My dad had a surgery and he called me to ask how he was doing, I missed the call, as I call back he had to let me go because he was with his sister on the other line..he said I will call you back.

2 hours later he textted me very bluntly saying.. I cant call I have to work.

I felt like I was punched right there and then..at 11 pm you have to work ? I understand that he works from home and is busy sometimes, but what takes a 5 minute phone call on such a delicate issue like it was my dad's surgery. Clealry didnt make me feel special.

Im over the top mad and I dont know how to handle this anymore because I'm slightly hurt.

I know I have to end this.. but I dont have the guts.. right before Christmas..

Words of wisdom and conformt please

Edited December 22, 2009 by Desi

[DustySaltus]

DustySaltus - this makes me think about a lot of things. It just means he is not sure of what he wants, and if that's the case then Im just being flopped and wasting my time.

I'm sorry about the rant everyone, this is just so depressing, just around CHristmas time.

Don't ask me why I get that feeling that he might be seeing someone else.

Last nigh topped it. My dad had a surgery and he called me to ask how he was doing, I missed the call, as I call back he had to let me go because he was with his sister on the other line..he said I will call you back.

2 hours later he textted me very bluntly saying.. I cant call I have to work.

I felt like I was punched right there and then..at 11 pm you have to work ? I understand that he works from home and is busy sometimes, but what takes a 5 minute phone call on such a delicate issue like it was my dad's surgery. Clealry didnt make me feel special.

Im over the top mad and I dont know how to handle this anymore because I'm slightly hurt.

I know I have to end this.. but I dont have the guts.. right before Christmas..

Words of wisdom and conformt please

 

The fact that he didn't call you back says alot. I think that is very weak on his part. Think of breaking it off as a present to yourself. This is not what people do to someone that they care about. In time you will look back on this and put it all into perspective. Now you can spot this easier the next time you are interested in someone so you won't have to waste any more time. Life is just one big learning experience. Don't ever rely on anyone else for your own happiness. I hope your father is doing well .

 

There's no reason to feel down though. You gave him too much credit and you found out who he is sooner than later. Sounds like an early christmas present to me.

Edited December 22, 2009 by DustySaltus

[trueluV]

first of all, sorry to hear that the guy disappointed you. What happened after? Are you planning to end it from your side or be patient and give it another try?

 

Reading your post, I was thinking the exact same thing-about christmas reaching soon and "testing" my importance to the guy. I've been dating this guy for a few months and gone out 6 times already but we're both very shy and nothing physical yet, so it's very hard for me to tell his level of interest in me. i guess the fact that he's been seeing me already 6 times could mean at least he likes to hang out with me.

but anyway, i met this guy again last weekend and still i don't know what's going on, so i wrote an email to him thanking him about the night and also giving subtle signs i like him-i.e. i enjoy talking to you, your company, i'd like to cook for you, let's make a plan, those, and i am not exactly testing in a bitchy way but to figure out where i stand with him, and how important i am to him. we don't necessarily have to meet on a christmas day or be in a holiday mood, but at least if he likes me enough, then he'd like to spend some part of his holiday time with me. that's what i think, so i am waiting now for his response.

 

so for you, maybe it was your father's surgery, or you can give yourself another chance to "test" it with him, if you're really falling for this guy.

I know, it's so hard, and sometimes mind games, which are so hard to interpret.

 

wish you good luck, and keep us posted!

[aerogurl87]

Don't ask me why I get that feeling that he might be seeing someone else.

 

Go with your gut instinct because it's probably right.

 

Last nigh topped it. My dad had a surgery and he called me to ask how he was doing, I missed the call, as I call back he had to let me go because he was with his sister on the other line..he said I will call you back.

2 hours later he textted me very bluntly saying.. I cant call I have to work.

I felt like I was punched right there and then..at 11 pm you have to work ? I understand that he works from home and is busy sometimes, but what takes a 5 minute phone call on such a delicate issue like it was my dad's surgery.

 

Oh this reminds me of the straw that broke the camel's back with my ex. It was about 2 weeks before we broke up for the last and final time and I called him about 5 times crying and telling him that I needed to talk to him. We were taking a break at that point but had decided to just be friends. Turns out our breakup led to me having an emotional breakdown at work and this idiot had the nerve to text me saying that he was working so he couldn't call till 9. Well I assumed he was at his real job, where he was on thin ice already with his boss and couldn't call me lest he get fired. So he calls at 9:15 and come to find out he was at his job on this online game. I was both hurt and pissed off when I found out, so I know how you feel.

 

So if I were you I'd move on because if he can't show that much consideration now it's not going to improve down the road. Obviously he doesn't care about you enough as a person to be there for you when you need him. That to me says that 1) if you two do have a relationship it's going to be lopsided with you doing most of the work and 2) he isn't a good friend, so he'll probably be an even worse boyfriend. So cut your losses now and focus on enjoying the holidays with your family and real friends.

[Desi]

Aerogirl you are right, I dont even think we are headed towards a relationship, read below what he said.

Luvgirl what happened afterwards is that he texted me next morning saying "Yo how is your day going" and I replied "Yo ? that sounds very lovely, by the way what you did last night wasnt nice and didnt make me feel good" he then said " oh right? what did i do? " and I explained to which he responded " Oh baby sorry I made you feel that way, It was my own fault for asking you about your dad when I ws so busy"

 

I didnt respond and he called me twice, I called back at night and small talk we had I asked him " are you done your chrsitmas shopping " and he said no I dont buy gifts I dont believe in Christmas :( :(

 

Then he basically said that why should I be mad at him when we have been dating for so little, he shouldnt have to be accountable for not calling me back, and that he prefers things go with the flow and that I have to udnerstand that he has many things on his plate and that to him a text or a call doesnt equal the way he feels about me, I shouldnt look at the "small bits" of our relationship but the big parts. And I asked him " what is the big part" he then said when we are together, but you cant get so emotional when you dont hear frm me, I am looking for an emotionally independent girl that will understand that I am busy and wont get mad at me , what if Im at a trip and I cant call you or text you ?

He then said, the day you asked me to give you at least 5 minutes for a phone call, that is not going to happen because im busy and I can't multitask, I cant feel rushed becuase if I do then this tings happen when I cant finish a convo with you and then you get mad, so at the end I feel bad if I do things or if I dont.

Then he said again, I cant get into anything like this I want someone emotionally independent who wont look at this things but we are just figuting each other out and you have to be more patient and I will work on showing more emotion whne we are toghether.

 

 

Basically he called emotionally challenged and unbalanced for expeting his call and for not being able to share my story with him, basically I should be ok with not hearing from him at times and I should be ok becuase I should be emotionally mature.

 

Please correct me but I dont feel I am being emotionally challenged, I dont text him 100 times a day, when he doesnt call, I dont call him , I let him do his thing at all times but It would be nice to receive a responde to my texts...so for all of you who text someone and he/she doesnt reply we are emotionally weak. We should be ok with not hearing from that person. I'm pissed!

Edited December 23, 2009 by Desi