I am not the enemy

[atlnay]

I really need to get to work, but this thought came to me just as I was about to eat my breakfast.

 

There are many types of OW right? From the ONS fling to the paid/kept women to the FWB to the damn near bigamy. The descriptions run the gamut.

 

I can' t say in the beginning of my A with a MM I didn't want more, but it was such a confusing situation, where I knew more really wasn't an option, I was spinning in circles. In that time, with my current guy, I've decided I want what I have with him. GREAT sex every few weeks.

 

I don't pressure him, threaten him. I'm not a bunny boiler. Wont show up to his house, stalk his family. Nothing. If he gets to comfortable, I'll let him know he needs to stay discreet and so long as he keeps his home happy, what's the problem?

 

I'll try to wrap it up, I really have to go, but I look at it like this. If at this moment in time there is something off in his M that he can't face, for whatever reason, and aside from that thing, he pretty much enjoys his life and having an A takes the edge off, maybe it really is that simple.

 

He's not mature enough to handle things face to face with his W. He has no plan to leave, if she finds out she may not leave him either, so why bring in unnecessary drama?

 

He makes her feel however she needs to feel to stay around and once in a blue moon he gets sex elsewhere, which enables him to stay happy. He's with an OW that isn't going to rock the boat, has no desire to am not going to fight his W for him and doesn't want him to leave.

 

This type of OW may not be a friend, but is not the enemy either. The bunny boilers & the ones who truly want Rs are your worst nightmare.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree you aren't a friend. In "MY" mind you maybe an enemy. But whatever you are you aren't a friend of marriage or concerned enough to not be whatever you are in her life. So whatever you need to hear(tell yourself) it is only for you. No need to make anyone else understand how you feel.

[Fallen Angel]

I really need to get to work, but this thought came to me just as I was about to eat my breakfast.

 

There are many types of OW right? From the ONS fling to the paid/kept women to the FWB to the damn near bigamy. The descriptions run the gamut.

 

I can' t say in the beginning of my A with a MM I didn't want more, but it was such a confusing situation, where I knew more really wasn't an option, I was spinning in circles. In that time, with my current guy, I've decided I want what I have with him. GREAT sex every few weeks.

 

I don't pressure him, threaten him. I'm not a bunny boiler. Wont show up to his house, stalk his family. Nothing. If he gets to comfortable, I'll let him know he needs to stay discreet and so long as he keeps his home happy, what's the problem?

 

I'll try to wrap it up, I really have to go, but I look at it like this. If at this moment in time there is something off in his M that he can't face, for whatever reason, and aside from that thing, he pretty much enjoys his life and having an A takes the edge off, maybe it really is that simple.

 

He's not mature enough to handle things face to face with his W. He has no plan to leave, if she finds out she may not leave him either, so why bring in unnecessary drama?

 

He makes her feel however she needs to feel to stay around and once in a blue moon he gets sex elsewhere, which enables him to stay happy. He's with an OW that isn't going to rock the boat, has no desire to am not going to fight his W for him and doesn't want him to leave.

 

This type of OW may not be a friend, but is not the enemy either. The bunny boilers & the ones who truly want Rs are your worst nightmare.

 

Wow... do you really believe that? Do you really think that because you are not in love with your MM you are less harmful to his marriage? Do you really think that makes you better than a woman like me who fell in love with a man?

 

I ask because I am really confused by this 'logic'.

 

I am trying to understand why you think that you are "not the enemy" while you are just the woman he f*cks on the side, but I am the "worst nightmare" because rather than f*ck My MM, I am his friend, and I spend my time with him cuddled in his arms talking rather than sucking his d1ck...

[jwi71]

I don't pressure him, threaten him. I'm not a bunny boiler. Wont show up to his house, stalk his family. Nothing. If he gets to comfortable, I'll let him know he needs to stay discreet and so long as he keeps his home happy, what's the problem?

 

I'll hazard a complete guess and say virtually no one knows you are having an A with a MM.

 

The reason you haven't told your family or brought him home for Christmas is the answer to "what's the problem".

 

He's not mature enough to handle things face to face with his W. He has no plan to leave, if she finds out she may not leave him either, so why bring in unnecessary drama?

This question is best answered by YOU and the MM...the two people introducing the "unnecessary" drama into your lives.

 

This type of OW may not be a friend, but is not the enemy either. The bunny boilers & the ones who truly want Rs are your worst nightmare.

Actually you ARE the enemy.

You enable his bad behavior, help him avoid the trials of "life", help him avoid problems at home and steal his W's time with him. That time and energy he puts into you should be going to his W...and you allow and enable him.

 

In my world, a friend would be supportive...by encouraging MC, IC and an ear to listen.

 

You are trying to justify your (and his) bad behavior. And the your need to justify it should be telling you something....

[NoIDidn't]

If you are not a friend of the marriage and actively supporting it in a positive way, then you are its enemy.

 

Sorry.

 

Bunny-boiler or not, you are the enemy to this marriage.

[sally4sara]

I don't pressure him, threaten him. I'm not a bunny boiler. Wont show up to his house, stalk his family. Nothing. If he gets to comfortable, I'll let him know he needs to stay discreet and so long as he keeps his home happy, what's the problem?

 

I'll try to wrap it up, I really have to go, but I look at it like this. If at this moment in time there is something off in his M that he can't face, for whatever reason, and aside from that thing, he pretty much enjoys his life and having an A takes the edge off, maybe it really is that simple.

 

He's not mature enough to handle things face to face with his W. He has no plan to leave, if she finds out she may not leave him either, so why bring in unnecessary drama?

 

I don't come in this sub-forum often. Not a OW and not a BS.

 

That thing that might be "off" in his marriage at this moment?

Might be YOU.

Or you are the thing keeping it from being addressed.

You are the thing he is hiding behind so he doesn't have to deal with his marriage face to face.

That would qualify the drama as necessary - yes? to someone at least. Its just that that someone isn't YOU so you don't care.........

[1Angel]

Unless he is in an "open" marriage you are the enemy. You are the driving force of contension between him and his wife like it or not. Then again if you are ok with all of this like someone else posted, not sure why you are posting here to convince us.

[NoIDidn't]

Okay, I just read your "180" thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t214138/

 

Seriously, you are still spinning. Out of control, even.

 

Really. You are.

 

Two days ago you were wanting more and now you aren't the enemy?

 

This rationalization is driving you crazy.

 

Is there anyone IRL you can talk to because I am starting to worry about your state of mind.

[2sure]

Many different types of OW, affairs, and infidelities. Agreed.

When I was OW , like you, I had no ulterior motives, no expectations.

I also thought , like many others...if it werent me, it would be someone else, this is harmless, its just sex/attention, almost a service to his marriage , I have no guilt.

 

Since then, I have learned a few things.

 

Karma is indeed a bit*h.

 

And if that is not direct enough, let me put it another way.

 

An OW/OM is an unknown and undetected cancer in someone else's life. A strangers life. You are the cancer and the BS is the stranger. Sure, the MM/MW is the one who has the marriage, made the promises, and comes up with justifications. It certainly IS the WS that is the betrayer here.

 

But the WS is the enemy the BS knows...they have a relationship such as it may or may not be.

 

The OW/OM feels all is a part from them, that all is harmless, not their fault...but you are silently and unknowingly a cancer in a stranger's life.

 

No matter what moral codes you live by, that cannot be a good thing.

Mostly for you.

[harmfulsweetz]

You may think you aren't the enemy because you can't see the consequences, but really you are. Granted, it's his responsibility and it is, but you know he's married, how would you feel if you were her? I'm sure you wouldn't see it as benefits all round!

[Impudent Oyster]

Wow... do you really believe that? Do you really think that because you are not in love with your MM you are less harmful to his marriage? ..

 

I believe it. Just sex, a ONS or f*ck buddies are much less of a threat to a marriage than a relationship where the WS has true feelings for the AP.

 

Then again, if the WS had true feelings for their AP, they'd divorce.

 

Take someone like Lizzie, I don't see her as a serious threat to anyone's marriage.

 

But I will say, although the OP .may not think she's the enemy, she is certainly not the BS's friend.

 

In the grand scheme of things, the OP is insignificant. She/he could be anyone, it's the fact that there is an OP that's the problem.

[Fallen Angel]

I believe it. Just sex, a ONS or f*ck buddies are much less of a threat to a marriage than a relationship where the WS has true feelings for the AP.

 

Then again, if the WS had true feelings for their AP, they'd divorce.

 

Take someone like Lizzie, I don't see her as a serious threat to anyone's marriage.

 

But I will say, although the OP .may not think she's the enemy, she is certainly not the BS's friend.

 

In the grand scheme of things, the OP is insignificant. She/he could be anyone, it's the fact that there is an OP that's the problem.

 

This kind of statement has always thrown me a bit.. because, if we use your logic to decide that WS doesn't really have true feelings for OP or they would divorce, then we must also by that same logic presume that WS neither has true feelings for BS, or WS would never be a WS. Right?

[norajane]

Hmm. Well, one day you'll be married and perhaps your H will go to another behind your back. Then you might feel differently. You could try putting yourself in his wife's shoes and imagine how she would feel, but maybe you aren't capable of that yet.

[jwi71]

This kind of statement has always thrown me a bit.. because, if we use your logic to decide that WS doesn't really have true feelings for OP or they would divorce, then we must also by that same logic presume that WS neither has true feelings for BS, or WS would never be a WS. Right?

 

Oh no. The feelings are real. Its NOT love though.

In any case its NOT enough for the WS. Not enough to stay and not enough to leave.

 

And everyone loses.

[Trimmer]

Take someone like Lizzie, I don't see her as a serious threat to anyone's marriage.

This self-advertised claim is perhaps true to a first-order approximation, but it is almost completely based on the fact that she is scrupulously discreet in her activities with her MM.

 

Whether any one of her MM's cheating damages his marriage or not - whether the BS finds out about it or not - isn't something that she is in a position to observe...

[her_halo_slipped]

This type of OW may not be a friend, but is not the enemy either. The bunny boilers & the ones who truly want Rs are your worst nightmare.

 

What a great post in it's entirity. I for one couldn't agree more. Fear not the OW who just wants to remain friends/lovers. Watch out for those who really do need your H's!

[bentnotbroken]

What a great post in it's entirity. I for one couldn't agree more. Fear not the OW who just wants to remain friends/lovers. Watch out for those who really do need your H's!

 

 

Better yet, fear none of them. The bunny boilers, the "movie" stops them too. AP are not friends to anyone, including themselves.

[FilthMerchant]

The marriage sounds cancerous and will fail on its own merits. However, YOU ARE what's prolonging it. Without another woman the marriage would nosedive. Don't take this for a good thing though, that you are prolonging it - it isn't.

[Impudent Oyster]

This kind of statement has always thrown me a bit.. because, if we use your logic to decide that WS doesn't really have true feelings for OP or they would divorce, then we must also by that same logic presume that WS neither has true feelings for BS, or WS would never be a WS. Right?

 

 

Nope, not at all.

 

Who is he hiding the affair from?

 

Why?

[OWW]

In that time, with my current guy, I've decided I want what I have with him. GREAT sex every few weeks.

 

I don't pressure him, threaten him. I'm not a bunny boiler. Wont show up to his house, stalk his family. Nothing. If he gets to comfortable, I'll let him know he needs to stay discreet and so long as he keeps his home happy, what's the problem?

 

...

He makes her feel however she needs to feel to stay around and once in a blue moon he gets sex elsewhere, which enables him to stay happy. He's with an OW that isn't going to rock the boat, has no desire to am not going to fight his W for him and doesn't want him to leave.

 

This type of OW may not be a friend, but is not the enemy either. The bunny boilers & the ones who truly want Rs are your worst nightmare.

 

I am sorry you've gotten so many flames from this. I agree with you in many ways (if not all.. I'm still working through things on my own). I don't think it is as black and white as some here have posted. And I think if we walked it through some of the natural course, others might actually reconsider:

 

If WS is going to wander (and this is the logic that BSes always forget when they attack OPs), isn't it better to wander with someone who is not going to try and demand time, energy, etc. from WS that would otherwise be given to BS? Someone who satisfies that occasional itch, but otherwise allows WS to be present and attentive in their marriage?

 

Seems to make sense to me...

 

Now, there are those on here who have been following your posts more closely and are concerned that you may not be satisfied with just this - and I am not one to judge. But, at face value, makes sense to me.

 

Of course, I am biased, because this describes the role I would like to play, too. There is some benefit to me accepting this rationalization!

[JamesM]

I agree with you...you are NOT the enemy.

 

I could repeat that...you are not the enemy.

 

You are only a symptom of a messed up marriage or a messed up individual.

 

Not saying it never happens, but 99% of the time, an affair happens because the person who cheated on his or her marriage did so due to some lacking in himself or that marriage.

 

If you were the enemy, then you would be the only reason that there is an affair. But the fact usually remains...if it wasn't you, then it would be someone else.

 

Are you a threat to the reconciliation of that marriage? Yes. For without a third party, there is a much higher chance for a resolution of the problem in the marriage.

 

Are you some innocent bystander who has no effect on what happens in the marriage? No. For if you left the WS's life, then he or she would lose his or her fantasy life and most likely choose to go back to his or her marriage...or move on.

 

You are not the enemy, but you are also not a friend.

[Lizzie60]

I agree with you... I've said it before many times..

 

My only concern, about you, is ... did you just think about this now.. it seems like you're trying to 'convince' yourself.. that this is just a physical affair. (maybe I'm wrong.. it's just a feeling I got when I read your post).

 

I also think that when an A is based strictly on sex.. it's a lot less 'dangerous' for the M... it can, IMO, make the M even better...

 

Like I said before.. the H is happier, cause he gets his needs met outside.. he doesn't have to beg (which is probably humiliating).. no more 'fights' (arguments) about sex.. The W thinks he's finally over his 'sex addection' (twice a month )... she's happy... the kids are happy.. everyone profits from the A...

 

BUT.. in order to do that...

 

the MM and the OW have to be 'clear' from the start that this is only for sex.. no commitment, etc.. some people CAN'T do that.. it's not always easy.. it takes emotional maturity IMO to be able to separate sex and 'love'...

 

No.. we are not the enemy when we don't want your H... we're helping your M.. and sometimes a 'white lie' does wonder..

Edited December 22, 2009 by Lizzie60

[gopher]

This thread is interesting...in just about every OW thread, you see the phrase "You can't help who you fall in love with" as justification. In this thread, the justification is "It's only sex"...Hmmmmm, very thought provoking.

[OWoman]

Nope, not at all.

 

Who is he hiding the affair from?

 

Why?

 

The BS, because she is the one he doesn't respect enough to be honest with.

 

Certainly IME, MMs were happy for friends, family and others to know - so long as the BS was kept outside the frame. They just weren't important enough to include, I guess.

[OWoman]

I really need to get to work, but this thought came to me just as I was about to eat my breakfast.

 

There are many types of OW right? From the ONS fling to the paid/kept women to the FWB to the damn near bigamy. The descriptions run the gamut.

 

I can' t say in the beginning of my A with a MM I didn't want more, but it was such a confusing situation, where I knew more really wasn't an option, I was spinning in circles. In that time, with my current guy, I've decided I want what I have with him. GREAT sex every few weeks.

 

I don't pressure him, threaten him. I'm not a bunny boiler. Wont show up to his house, stalk his family. Nothing. If he gets to comfortable, I'll let him know he needs to stay discreet and so long as he keeps his home happy, what's the problem?

 

I'll try to wrap it up, I really have to go, but I look at it like this. If at this moment in time there is something off in his M that he can't face, for whatever reason, and aside from that thing, he pretty much enjoys his life and having an A takes the edge off, maybe it really is that simple.

 

He's not mature enough to handle things face to face with his W. He has no plan to leave, if she finds out she may not leave him either, so why bring in unnecessary drama?

 

He makes her feel however she needs to feel to stay around and once in a blue moon he gets sex elsewhere, which enables him to stay happy. He's with an OW that isn't going to rock the boat, has no desire to am not going to fight his W for him and doesn't want him to leave.

 

This type of OW may not be a friend, but is not the enemy either. The bunny boilers & the ones who truly want Rs are your worst nightmare.

 

This is fine as far as it goes - BTDT. But there's no guarantee that neither of the APs won't develop feelings, or won't come to fantasize about something "more", or won't find the A increasingly showing up the hum-drum monotony of the rest of their lives... and want to change things.

 

Sure, it's great while it lasts - but it takes really strong people on both ends to be able to pull the plug and walk away the minute something starts to change.

 

Neither my H nor I were strong enough to do that - which is why we're M now.