I found out that she was unfaithful in the past... I'm falling apart.

[Tahoe_insomniac]

I guess Im writing here for a couple of reasons....

 

firstly I need help. I really need advice and perhaps some empathy from people who may have been or might be going through something similar.... secondly, I need the therapy of spilling my guts and hoping that I can be heard because Im hurting so bad right now... I would do anything to get rid of the pain.

 

Its sunday now..... last tuesday I found out my girlfriend had cheated on me.

 

We have been together for just over 2 and a half years. She is 20 I'm 25.

 

We have had the most loving and dedicated relationship. We have shared everything, travelled all over the world together. She is as much a part of my family as I am and I am fully a part of hers. We are in love. We are still in Love. For the most part we have had a completely blissful relationship.... I still get butterflies in my stomache with excitement every time she walks into my view.

 

We have always had a long distance relationship - the closest we have ever been has been an hour away in the car... but we managed to get together more often than most couples I know who live in the same town. Everything about us was fantastic. Emotionally and Physically.... everything has been fine. I used to see friends of mine in cheating relationships and really pity them... we were so far removed from being one of those couples .... it has come as such a shock that we have ended up in that state.

 

Because I love her with all my heart and soul I would do anything to make her dreams come true.... I would die for her, to protect her from anything... without a moments hesitation. When she said she wanted to study abroad for a year.... I was never going to stop her. Never ever.... it was a dream and although I was dreading being apart I would never stop one of her ambitions from coming true.

 

So off she flew to america...and its been tough but we got through it... speaking every day... emailing... writing.... phoning. She has been away since August and its Mid december now... she has just arrived back home for the holidays... and when she arrived back we just couldn't let go of each other... holding... huggling ... kissing.. everything was all good!

 

SO WHAT HAS HAPPENED?....

 

Well, on tuesday we got back in from a party and she fell asleep on the bed... while she was asleep I looked on her mobile phone at some of the photographs she had taken.... and thats when I found them.... photographs of her and another man together.... not just together... but the dirty **** had taken photos of them actually having sex.

 

Can you imagine how horrid it was to find out like this... ? and to see those pictures... which believe me, flashback into my mind every few moments. Its right up there with walking in on your other half actually doing it.

 

Thing is... I could have understood if she had had a moment of weekness whilst far away abroad... but the photos were dated 4 and a half months before she left to go to america... so this was while everything was 'normal' between us.

 

So I calmly waited until she woke in the middle of the night ... and then I asked her for the truth... when I asked her what the photos were about... she had no way out... she was caught... and so all I got back from her was a look of fear and dread in her eyes that I never want to see again. She explained she had met the man, a pilot, at an airport hotel where she worked on the bar and that she had turned to him in a period where she didn't feel particularly cherished by me. This was when I had just lost my job and was putting a lot of energy into getting a new one.

 

She explained that the whole thing had lasted for a few weeks and that sex had only happened twice. She then when onto say that she decided she didn;t want it to continue as she realised what I meant to her.

 

I suspect she may be lying about how long it went on for. I asked her for some answers... one question was 'when was the last time he was in touch'? she answered June, but when looking around her room I found some airline tickets her had given her as a momento (so she says) dated august. Apparently he sent these to her by post. I then found a birthday card with a cartoon of a girl in a bath... it said "I thought this was apt as everytime I see you, you always seem to take a bath!" EVERYTIME??! How many times... it certainly sounds like more than 3 times. She told me that it was her excuse for being late to see him on occasions as she had taken a bath before hand. She only has a shower in her appartment!!!!

 

What upset me the most though is that she had kept these momentos of the breif relationship they had.... and especially seen as though she kept the birthday card in her travel bag for america (even though it arrived nearly 2 months before she left)... she claims she forgot it was there.... but it was right next to her passport and visas... she must have known it was there.

 

Perhaps the worst thing is that in the photos of them having sex (again which she kept!!!! why??!) there was no condom... and that puts me at risk.

 

She wont even let me touch her without wearing protection... and we have been together for so long..... so why is he allowed? Or was she drunk? I don't know.

 

In her organiser there were dates she had marked down to go and meet him in places but she claims that most of the time she never ended up going because her conscience/ love for me stopped her. But I found hotel dockets in an old bag from at least 2 hotels and directions to another.

 

Now, Im nobody's fool.... I know what most people will tell me that I should do... and I know that I should dump her..... but I love her. I love her with all my heart,,,, and although its not an excuse I understand that in somepart I must have been responsible if she ended up running to someone else.

 

But.... it is so so so easy to forgive someone you love with all your heart. Its the forgetting and the rebuilding of trust that is the hard part. She stayed out last night with a friend... but got flustered on the phone and hung up when I asked if I could speak with her friend for a moment.... I admit I was checking her story. So now my head is spinning about what she may have kbeen up to last night. I think she owes it to me to help put that trust back... even if she isn't happy about being checked up on.

 

I guess what I need to ask is..... will we be able to carry on our relationship? She wants to ... and I keep coming back to the fact that she did decide to stay with me and end the brief affair. I just wish I had never found out so things could be back to normal now. I tried to leave herthe otherday but I didn't really want to and she became hysterical about us not being together, so it was easier (and what I wanted) to fling my arms around her and say I would stay and try.

 

A couple of friends who I have confided in have said what I expected... that it will never be the same again... etc etc... then they told me a lot of cliches... and I know they are telling me what I should do... to dump her... but if you have been in this position you will understand that its not that easy when you love someone.

 

She is due to return to the states at the end of january, but wants to quit her course and stay in the UK with me to be together again. I realise thats a massive commitment from her and I shouldn't take it lightly.

 

I am so lost right now... and to be honest could go to bed and sleep for a month just because its easier than dealing with life. If anyone has any advice on how to get through this (either with or without her) please help me because I am falling in pieces. I really need her and I love her... but Imnot sure if I can allow myself to be treated like this. I have told her EVERY day how much I love her... and I do mean that... I have always shown her my feelings. I guess at one point I didn't do a good enough job.

 

I just wish I hadn't found out.... (especially in the way that I did!) because if she is now committed to me and this was in the past it wouldn't make any difference to our future together... but now I know... it may have to change everything.

 

Please help if you can. I feel really alone on this.

 

Thank you for hearing me.

 

x

[moimeme]

It doesn't sound like she's been completely honest with you. She may never have been.

 

If you really want to try to stay with her, then tell her that she must prove herself to be trustworthy. This means going where she says she's going, etc. If you catch her in one more lie after that, then cut her loose; no matter how painful that may be, you'll be in for pain eventually so you might as well be the one to govern how and when.

[yes]

all i can suggest is counselling. perhaps you missed some red flags about your r/s. perhaps about her.

 

people do get past cheating though, so it's not impossible!

 

good luck,

-yes

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am sorry for your pain but you really need to face reality. She enjoys having you as a boyfriend and also being able to be with other men. She gets caught in lie after lie by you. She makes you use condoms but she had an ongoing affair with another guy and has pictures of her having sex with him unprotected. After all this she goes out and will not let you talk to her so-called friend because you know she was with another man. Look this is sad but you do not need a piano to fall on your head.? Why would you want to settle for a girl who puts your health at great risk by having unprotected sex with her lover, has pictures taken of her having sex and keeps them, dates behind your back and so forth? I know this is painful but you need to see this as a wake-up call. She is playing you very badly.

She is what we call a cakewoman. In addition, she is constantly lying to you. She really has very little respect for you. It is time to move on and find someone you can love, trust and respect in a committed relationship which is something your girlfriend is unwilling to do for you. How much more disrespect and humiliation are you willing to endure? You are better than this and deserve more in your life than being Mr. Doorprize. I know this hurts but again it is time to face reality and see her as she is and not as you want her to be. I wish you luck because you will need if you continue to let yourself be used and humiliated by her.

[SoleMate]

Will you ever be able to trust her again? How much time and how much surveillance would it take to get back to the presumption of innocence? By the way, her stories and excuses are thin, thin, thin and she hasn't even been working hard at hiding the truth from you.

 

If you can accept the status quo, great, because I'm quite sure it will never get better between the two of you. If you tolerate what she is doing, it will not increase her affection for you.

 

There's one more factor...you may want to get out quick, because the longer you swallow this dishonesty and manipulation, the more skewed your view of relationships will become. You may end up one of those bitter woman-haters, convinced that all women are cheaters based on your sample size of one.

 

Because I love her with all my heart and soul I would do anything to make her dreams come true.... I would die for her, to protect her from anything... without a moments hesitation.

 

That sounds great...why do you feel that way? It sounds overly romanticized, even if she were not the liar/cheater that she is. For instance, what are her true dreams? Do you know? Can you trust her to share them with you? But let's not demonize her. She was just a minor when you got together and she is still very young. So she makes childish decisions.

 

Best of luck in surviving and thriving.

[reservoirdog1]

Sorry to be blunt, dude, but... dump the slut. She won't let you touch her without protection but she'll ride some random guy without it? And take photos of it? That should give you a pretty good indication of how important you are to her.

 

Yes, she's only 20, but a 20-year-old is an adult, capable of making his or her own decisions and possessing a sense of morality. She doesn't care about your feelings. By staying with her, you're settling for something less than you deserve, something that's already tainted and plagued by suspicion and mistrust.

 

The problem is -- and I think somebody else said this too -- that you're in love with the person you thought you were with, who was honest and faithful to you. That person was a fantasy, and what you're left with is a deeply flawed shadow of her. Get somebody genuine and worthy of your love -- she's out there somewhere, you just have to find her.

[mjk]

Hey I've got a baseball bat you can thump your head with!

 

Using baseball terminology I'd say "she's out!"

 

Let this go. you are beating yourself up way too much here and for what?

 

Look at what we all are saying to you. people you have never met are telling you to leave. Leave because it sounds like a messed up deal.

 

And you are also invading her privacy by looking at her cell phone etc. Yeah, I know that's how you found out, but look at WHY you checked it out.I know I got tried of looking over my shoulder when I was in your shoes.

[cdn]

You seem like a really decent guy who really understands what love is. Unfortunately, nothing you've posted suggests that the same can be said of your gf. In fact, the behavior she has engaged in goes beyond just cheating, imo, and into some sort of need for extreme risk taking. She had unprotected sex with a man she met at an airport bar? And allowed him to take photographs? Sounds to me that she is doing a good job of jeopardizing the very dreams you are trying so hard to make come true.... not to mention making a mockery of your love for her.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is NOT a normal response to one partner not feeling cherished for a bit. And her follow-up behavior does nothing to convince me that she is sincere about rebuilding a trusting relationship with you.

 

I can feel the pain in you are just from what you have written here, but I genuinely believe that if you stay with this woman you will only experience more pain. You deserve much better than what she is offering, if indeed she is offering anything at all.

 

In time, you will meet a woman who can appreciate and return all you have to offer.

[JustBeinBlonde]

Bro,

 

So you were trying to find a job and then your gf goes and gets her wings while making some soft porn. You would die for this chick? Well you just may since she's out having unprotected sex then sleeping with you.

 

You should start seeing other people, you don't have to pick up airline stewardesses at bars and make porn movies. Just take a friend out for dinner, do fun stuff with other people. Give this girl a rest, stop checking up on what she's doing and go live your own life. Bring lots of interesting, fun girls into your space and phase whats her name out.

 

Soon you'll be havin so much fun she'll call to check up on you, unfortunately you will have already made plans and can't talk to her now, oh well.

[figuringitout]

Bud -

 

Get out. This is toxic. Read the other stuff on this board very carefully.

 

You're 25. Not married (no divorce - assets etc.). No kids. Thank God you got the message now and not 10 years from now after X years of marriage. Most of the people on this board would kill to have such a clean break opportunity...and still be 25 years old.

 

Find some friends. Get out and meet some other women. Keep this experience in the back of your head as you move forward in any future relationship.

[My2Bitz]

I am in a similar situation as you, bro. The girl totally has my heart, when i found out she was cheating (unprotected too i might add), i broke up with her. We were dating 2 years before this, it was so rough when i broke up with her. She told me she honestly loved me and wanted to commit to me, but she was a few years younger and wanted to experience other men, and i couldn't accept that. So we broke up for about 3 months, and i felt so lonely... i went out, tried dating other women, but none of them fulfilled me emotionally or physically like she did. We are soul mates and i couldn't bear being away from her. So when i called her, she couldn't be happier, we went out for dinner, and everything flowed and felt so right. So she asked me go be with her again, and i complied.

 

The next few months were amazing. We got along so well and she seemed really happy. Everything was good until she told me she was very attracted to another guy, it was a physical attraction, he was taller, darker, more muscular, tanned... She said she was so confused now because she wanted to sleep with him to see if it felt "right", because she still wasn't sure if I was the "one". She said being able to have with him without a condom would help her feel a connection with him. I was devastated, but i STILL didn't want to break up with her. She didn't want to break up with me either, she was comfortable with me, but she was too young and inexperienced to know if i was the "one" or not. She asked me if we could just go on a "break" for a couple of weeks and probably get back together after, but i couldn't let her go because i was afraid i would never get her back.

 

After several hours of hurtful talking and negotiating, we made love, it was one of the best we've ever had. We snuggled afterwards, and admitted we have an amazing connection. But she still wanted to find out if I was the one or not by sleeping with this other man. I dont know why I did it, but as she massaged my empty balls, as i was in the peak of post-sexual ecstacy, she asked me if she could please sleep with him just to compare the connection between him and her, and her and myself to know for sure that we were for real... I regrettably said yes.

 

So the next evening, she dressed up in clothes she never wore for me, a silky red thong, a super short black skirt, with long black boots, and a white blouse with a black lacy bra seen clearly from underneath it. Then she went into the bathroom, and used her cell to call him. I immediately left.

 

The next day i called her at 11am or so, and she sounded absolutely exhausted. I asked her what happened the previous night, and she told me that she called him and wanted to play a game with him... so went to her place. She then proceeded to tell me that he was hesitant at first, because he knew about me, so she seduced him by telling him that some people can feel colour, and that she wanted to know if he could guess what colour her panties were by him feeling up her skirt. She told me that as he felt, she was sure to let out a soft moan. When he guessed black, she told him to try again, and he guessed red, so she said, why dont you pull them down and look. And thats how it began. She told me he was a much better lover, and fulfilled her more sexually, but she was so glad she did this because the connection was definately stronger between us, than them.

 

Another year has gone by since that incident, and things have never been better for me, she treats me like gold and hasn't cheated on me since. The thing about my girlfriend though is that she is not a slut, or a very sexual person, she just needed to know what else was out there... And she realized she feels best with me on so many other levels...

So now we moved in together and things are wonderful. I guess i'll leave you with another cliche that seemed to work for me. If you love the little bird, let it fly away, if it comes back, you were meant to be.