Author Strych9 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Here's another angle that might be affecting your success rating with dating............ Are the majority of your friends guys? It sounds like you have a somewhat scornful attitude towards being feminine, so I'll venture to guess that that's the case, that you don't bond with very many women. (not criticizing you, by the way, actually, you and I are a lot alike) The point I'm getting at, is that a lot of guys will steer clear of a woman who mainly hangs out with guys. If they don't know you yet, in the back of their mind they might be wondering, (and stereotyping) you as being loose, even if you're not. It's horribly unfair, but people do make premature presumptions...................................Food for thought. I once heard a line in an old blues tune that really resonated with me, maybe it will strike a chord with you, too: Thank God for a strong woman......... who knows when to be weak......................... I've always been a tomboy, myself, and had a hard time romantically connecting when I was in my twenties. When I heard that line in that song, a little light bulb turned on over my head.....it is possible to be tough and soft at the same time. Be true to who you are, though. There are guys who'll appreciate a women who can hold a conversation and change a tire.............. I finally met one...............but it took a while. Keep rockin' girl!! Yes, most of my friends are male. I myself have looked into this, and there seems to be a lot negativity associated with this. Everything from low self esteem to pressing psychological issues, nothing seemed to hit the nail on the head, most theories actually made me laugh! I chose my friends because of their character, not because they were male, things just ended up that way. As for being loose, that's horrible, I maintain platonic friendships with males I will never have any romantic feelings for, and it's pretty simple without these deep lingering psychological issues. I thank you for your insight. p.s. I sometimes feign being weak just so a man can feel satisfied being useful, even though I could easily just do it myself.
freestyle Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Yes, most of my friends are male. I myself have looked into this, and there seems to be a lot negativity associated with this. Everything from low self esteem to pressing psychological issues, nothing seemed to hit the nail on the head, most theories actually made me laugh! I chose my friends because of their character, not because they were male, things just ended up that way. As for being loose, that's horrible, I maintain platonic friendships with males I will never have any romantic feelings for, and it's pretty simple without these deep lingering psychological issues. I thank you for your insight. p.s. I sometimes feign being weak just so a man can feel satisfied being useful, even though I could easily just do it myself. Oh goodness, I hope you didn't read that as me implying that you're loose,that's not what I meant at all. What I meant was that guys who you're just meeting for the first time might presume that. I know, it's ridiculous, but sometimes you have to step outside of your head and imagine how things look from an outsider's point of view.... Also, do you go out solo very often, or do you have your friends with you the majority of the time? A hard lesson I learned was that I wasn't having much luck meeting guys when i was hanging out with my guy friends...... In fact it turned out that one of them was being territorial with me.... whenever a guy would approach me to strike up a conversation this "friend" would appear at my side and join in. It took a third party pointing that out to me before I noticed what was happening, I was just thinking "hey, bud...",. No wonder I went almost a year without a date when I was 20-whatever....... Hope my experience can benefit you.................
torranceshipman Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 No, I'm far from some run of the mill Prada wearing cunt that spends countless bucks to "look hot", who's nonexistent personality is just as deep as the puddle in my driveway...Give it to me straight, I thought guys WANTED something challenging, not some obedient girl with a pretty face and not much else. THIS is exactly your problem, in a nutshell. The fact that you are so insulting and judgmental of people that aren't like you. If it comes across loud and clear in one post on a web forum then it'll sure as hell come across loud an clear on a date. THAT'S the problem. Also, why do you label all those things 'masculine'? They're not. I do a bunch of that stuff and I don't assign a gender to any of it. 1
torranceshipman Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Nothing to add except I understand your situation. I'm one of the "not-girls" girls myself. It gets you into trouble and brings misery with every so-called encounter. I wish I could say it gets easier as you get older, but it doesn't. Ultimately, men want women who are easily identifiable as women, not just physically but also when it comes to personality. Nope, boobs aren't enough, you also need clear stereotypical characteristics that scream "GIRLIE!" just so no one gets confused about who the guy is dating. Because if you aren't wearing stilettos and tons of makeup and giggling every five minutes and tossing your hair until you get whiplash, then you obviously must be a chick with a stick . Not true, I know a bunch of females, including myself, who do some very so-called 'masculine' things and we all have amazing boyfriends who are very happy to just take us for who we are.
bac Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 You described about yourself everything except your attitude about sex. Sex drive connects genders. What is your sex drive? How is sex important to you? Do you know how to get pleasure from sex with a male? If you have a high sex drive and want to have sex, guys will love you no matter what your other characteristics.
Author Strych9 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Alright, I'm starting to realize my choice of words have been applied poorly, I'll elaborate on a few things. As for scrutinizing females, I can see how it would come across this way, but it's not the intention. While I have created a negative perspective of "prada wearing cunts", it's a short yet crude way to describe women who are bent on materialistic ideals, adopting this method of thinking that as long as you're good looking you'll get where you need to be. While that might be true for some, I don't mean to make myself sound superior to these women for their choices and what works for them, I don't want to be some alpha female type, or come across that way. I do have some female friends, irreplaceable ones, I just have a better no bull**** connection with my close male friends. Why? I'm not sure. When men approach me, they often act so smooth like a player would, men with any substance shouldn't follow these how to guides for picking up women, because if you have more than one dimension to your personality you should use that instead of these sleaze lines that sound practiced. As far as femininity goes, perhaps I do not embrace it the way I should. In my experiences with other females, there is more often than not some negative attachment. In high school I had my "click", and one day my male friend piped up and had told me about the vicious ways they were betraying me without my knowledge, I was naive, perhaps still am. For some reason I am more apprehensive around females, never really had a positive female role model, perhaps I was too focused on the negative trainwreck women so many blindly idolise, and abandonned that idea? I feel great being a woman, but I feel like a lonely woman and detached from the concept of positive female influence. I will have to seek some. As for the sex, I enjoy it. Actually, I have a fairly high libido, but refuse to have sex with any shmoe even if it is available. So I remain single and sexless until something worth while comes along. I have had two close and fulfilling relationships with good men, and we never got bored in the bedroom, just grew apart as people. Man that was a lot of typing, I can see that I am the problem as to why men go running when they get a glimpse of my inner workings, I honestly don't think I portray myself as masculine at all, but perhaps I am supressing my own female nature. I thank you all for your comments, who knew strangers would see things so clearly.
FilthMerchant Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 When you gave a description before of how men treated you, it was really vague. You should be more in depth and you should say how you got together with your boyfriends, and what they told you when they broke up with you (or what your reasons were for breaking up with them).
carhill Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 OP, as I read your post, this is how I picture you (that's one of my fav actresses, Janeane Garofalo). If you ever saw her with Uma Thurman in 'The Truth about Cats and Dogs', I think that's a great example of the dynamic you seem to be facing. I think, if you target men who are more crossover like you are, exemplifying traits of the opposite gender while still retaining their own gender identity, you might find some common attraction ground. If you're looking for the super masculine guy and you appear and act as I'm picturing you right now, he's likely not going to be interested, one because he generally has a lot of options and you probably won't fit into that range for him and, two, he doesn't want to make love to another man (in his mind's eye) which is what your behaviors may come off as. I have to say that, for all her wonderful style and lovely appearance, my stbx had a number of masculine behaviors and truthfully they were a bit of a turn-off, not so much in the beginning, but over time. I can't put an exact finger on it, but it's like my brain is hard-wired to respond favorably to feminine behaviors in a heterosexual relationship. She grew up with three very masculine brothers so perhaps that explains some of the pie. Oddly, her sister, who has skills more like a man and often dressed casual in a more male style, still behaved in a more feminine (to me) way. Clear as mud? Well, hope you get more opinion and welcome to LS 1
Knossos Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Rather than blame the world, why don't we look at who is really affecting this process? So, translation might be: Please die, kthxbye? Don't try to take the opposite gender's role - moralise all you want about it but it never works. Ever. So, fake it, then? Fake personality, fake everything, even if that goes against my nature. Been there, done that. I was even more unhappy with myself than usual. I'd rather be myself instead of playing a role. If that makes me a dyke, then I'm the world's only heterosexual dyke.
SadandConfusedWA Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Ummmm I am one of the "prada wearing cunts" and you would automatically stereotype me as being shallow and materialistic? I work hard and earn a lot. I don't have a family or a partner. I enjoy indulging myself and looking good. Wearing prada and nice good quaility clothes makes ME happy and boosts my confidence. When looking for a partner, how much he earns is at the absolute bottom of my priorities, so no, I do not think I am materialistic at all. If the time comes when my financial situation changes, I will be fine with spending less. It's my money and I can afford it so why the hell not?? And yes, I actually ENJOY shopping - so shoot me. As for depth, I am probably one of the most introspective, reflective and emotionally deep people you will ever meet. Too deep for my own good even. Do not act like being "deep" and enjoying shopping are mutually exclusive. Most people are so much more than 2-dimensional. 1
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 uhhh, well I make an effort to look girly (just not to the extreme) but even as a woman I'm puzzled as to what acting girly is. I'll laugh at jokes if they're funny, my body language might not be very good, the arm touching and all of that is foreign to me. Guys that do hit on me are more often than not just looking to score, and that won't fly with me. I think when I first meet anyone I'm reserved and quiet, but I admit it I use some foul language. There's definitely some dark humour going on, but I've never received any complaints, if anything it has intrigued men, but I suppose it's short lived. Can dark humour (and I mean sometimes downright offensive) be the culprit? Can things you say and Do Not mean at all be taken seriously? LMAO. If they're getting offended, then you have come across some rather weak men. I can have a VERY dark sense of humor and am pretty sarcastic a good deal of the time. I am dating a guy that is equally sarcastic (if not more so) and he seems to love my dark humor. Just need to find better guys. There's no way in hell I could drop my sense of humor and sarcasm to net a guy. I couldn't resist making the comments for very long before I'd burst. LOL
FilthMerchant Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 So, translation might be: Please die, kthxbye? So, fake it, then? Fake personality, fake everything, even if that goes against my nature. Been there, done that. I was even more unhappy with myself than usual. I'd rather be myself instead of playing a role. If that makes me a dyke, then I'm the world's only heterosexual dyke. Looks like you missed the point completely. I said not to take the man's role in the relationship... I don't see how faking your personality enters that equation. And no, I didn't say 'please die'. I said to look inwards if you want to help yourself. But don't help yourself, keep drawing from the high school dating pool if that's your kind of thing.
Knossos Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I said not to take the man's role in the relationship... I don't see how faking your personality enters that equation. Oh, let's see, faking my personality enters into that equation because I have no inclination or desire to take the stereotypical feminine role in a relationship. If I did, that would mean I'm assuming a fake personality. 'Tis clear?
FilthMerchant Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Oh, let's see, faking my personality enters into that equation because I have no inclination or desire to take the stereotypical feminine role in a relationship. If I did, that would mean I'm assuming a fake personality. 'Tis clear? Why don't you tell us all about your ideas of what a 'feminine' role in a relationship is and what a 'masculine' role is. Go on.
Knossos Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Why don't you tell us all about your ideas of what a 'feminine' role in a relationship is and what a 'masculine' role is. Go on. Is there anything practical to be gained by this action? Would indoctrination in the socially acceptable roles for men and women be required if I were to go into specifics about my views? I don't need to explain my ideas. Everyone here is aware of the standard male/female roles.
FilthMerchant Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Is there anything practical to be gained by this action? Would indoctrination in the socially acceptable roles for men and women be required if I were to go into specifics about my views? I don't need to explain my ideas. Everyone here is aware of the standard male/female roles. Yeah, there is. I am not talking about socially acceptable anything. Go on and explain them, stop dodging the question.
Knossos Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Yeah, there is. I am not talking about socially acceptable anything. Go on and explain them, stop dodging the question. I won't get any satisfaction from subjecting myself to questioning. So I'll gracefully decline the interrogation.
temple Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Hmm, Strych9, I understand what you're saying but why don't you focus on yourself rather than looking in anger at these Prada wearing 'bimbos'? Everyone has their own definition of talent: our achievements, ambitions and ways of seeking happiness are relative. You might not understand why someone gets excited about buying a new pair of shoes just as she doesn't understand how you can get excited about buying a new guitar. I don't really think men go for 'bimbos' over girls who like 'guy-stuff'. Focus your energy on being you. Most men just love being with a woman confident in her own skin. It just sounds right now as though you're angry, and that's probably what's being outwardly reflected. You sound great, and I wish you luck! 1
Buckeye Candy Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 (edited) You sound like Darlene from the TV show Roseanne. Not many men would describe Darlene as their type even if she were better looking. Sorry. You are going to have to hold out for your diamond in the rough. PS: You also sound like a bragging attention whore and that is a turn off for most men. Edited December 22, 2009 by Buckeye Candy 1
Author Strych9 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Yep, I do sound bitter, but it seems justifiable to have questioned my so called genetic predispositions in a society that seems to frown upon women surpassing men sometimes in creativity, skill or intelligence. Before you jump out of your seat, nobody is pulling the victim card, it is simply something I am observing now, not a final conclusion, just excersising the idea. Whether it's what I do away from school or my "angry" bitter betty point of views, I'm well aware that it's not attractive to most men. But hell, I don't really feel like being universally actractive anyways. So I'm gonna keep being some Darlene, some bragging attention whore and pray that I'm sought after by many many men.
Yukikazi Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Yep, I do sound bitter, but it seems justifiable to have questioned my so called genetic predispositions in a society that seems to frown upon women surpassing men sometimes in creativity, skill or intelligence. Before you jump out of your seat, nobody is pulling the victim card, it is simply something I am observing now, not a final conclusion, just excersising the idea. Whether it's what I do away from school or my "angry" bitter betty point of views, I'm well aware that it's not attractive to most men. But hell, I don't really feel like being universally actractive anyways. So I'm gonna keep being some Darlene, some bragging attention whore and pray that I'm sought after by many many men. You just need to find your niche. There are alot of guys out there that have no qualms about a girl thats better then they are at something.. i.e if I find find a girl that is into 3d modeling and Animation.. I try to cultivate that friendship regardless.. Maybe its just a question of moderation.
carhill Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 You sound like Darlene from the TV show Roseanne. For the record, Sara Gilbert (Darlene) is a lesbian and proud mother of two.
Buckeye Candy Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 My advice for you is to start making some female friends and go hang out with them often. Girls learn to be feminine by socializing with other girls. Consider the reverse scenario: would you date a guy who only had female friends (and no male friends), had female hobbies, and only concerned about female issues? You'd think he was gay or something, right? If you've been rejected by your female peers, then you must work on yourself to gain their acceptance, their seal-of-approval. Men go through this all the time. If you really are one-of-the-boys, then you'd certainly understand. Women do the picking and choosing (and rejecting). Seriously. Also, there are plenty of women who are musicians, computer nerds, athletes, and women who have better things to do than shop and get their nails done. It is a real red flag to me if a woman has zero female friends and many guy friends. I always feel like she is trying to hoard all of the men to herself by appealing to their masculine interests and trashing the girly girls with them. 1
Recommended Posts