Spark1111 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Did your WS have anxiety or panic attacks during the reconciliation? I have just been reading on another site where they say it is a normal part of the process. As my WS had them for almost a year, I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this, BS, OW, OM? WSs, on another site, claim it is the realization of what one has done, is doing, to both the BS and the OW/OM. The onset is sometime after DDAY, when the fog has lifted and the sheer enormity presents of all the lies they have told to both the BS and OW/OM. The anxiety attacks, however, serve as another diversion to facing the truth of their actions, actions they do not/cannot face quite yet. It is more compartmentalization, or the breaking down of it, in an effort to NOT face the truth. WSs need to start to face the truth of their actions and own them, before the anxiety attacks begin to fade. Interesting. Anyone else experieince these with their spouse, or MM, MW? Or have you experienced them? I have, post DDay and never before.
Brokenlady Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Funny you should ask right now. DM just had his 1st panic attack in 19 years last week. He said the same thing - the enormity of what he did is starting to hit him. But of course, he used it as a way to get xW and I to throw a pity party for him so he could keep having it both ways. Geez, if only we'd stop harping about his duplicity, he wouldn't be so anxious and physically ill. Good news for him, I'm done harping. In fact, I'm done altogether.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 My WW became a depressed cutter 6 months after the affair. It really sucked, because it exacerbated the codependency. I had to support her when I need her the most. I was jipped out of my feelings.
NoIDidn't Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I don't know if my H had them at all or not. I know that I had a few when we spoke about divorcing before d-day ever occurred. For me, it was an "I-can-believe-this-is-happening" kind of feeling. It felt too big to take in at one time. Too overwhelming. I find it interesting that your H is only having them now after you spoke with the former OW, though. Panic attacks usually occur when a person feels overwhelmed and has no idea of what they are going to do, the mind races. Why would he feel this way if he's pretty certain you aren't going to leave him? I can't claim to know why he is having them two years after the fact, but it certainly seems like your need to speak to the xOW and then speaking to her sparked these.
eeyore1981 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 THAT" ABOUT THE BEST DESCRIPTION OF HOW PART OF ME FEELS THAT I HAVE READ YET! SOMEBODY DOES UNDERSTAND! ( sorry to "yell", but you are so right!) I am so hurt by all of this that I find it hard sometimes to keep going, but i have to. i have to choice. my kids need me. But i am supposed to feel 'bad' for him because he is probably "grieving his lost relationship-i.e.- affair). So I have to be there for him too. my husband's also currently deployed to a war zone, so i have to "tread lightly" when I communicate with him, so as not to add stress there either. why would it be so hard for him to just hold me and tell me that he can't change what happened, but he's sorry it did happen? Maybe it's because spouses who cheat find the guilt really hard to face, i don't know, and they want "pity' for their own plight- that's what it sounds like your wife did- hurt herself so she'd be the one who needed "pity' and "sympathy" and "caring". But what about you? where is it for you when you need it? In a way, it's really, really tragic that people have to come on here to get understanding and solace from strangers, when it should be their spouse who's giving it to them I wrote a post on your thread, but didn't submit because I felt I was being too harsh. But, Frozen, really, WHY do you have to feel bad for him? Does he come across as feeling bad for you? Not to me, not from what you have posted so far. I understand he is in a war zone, and I understand you feel the need to tread lightly, but come on! You've posted some of the communication between the two of you. Are you willing, really willing, to take him back no matter what? No matter how he treats you? If not, my suggestion, take it or leave it, is to send him an email or tell him in chat, you have struggled mightily to put aside your feelings on his affair until he gets home, but if he can't even have the decency to express love and affection for you during his time away, you will no longer be speaking to him unless it concerns your children or household matters. Then STICK TO IT! Honey, you have to face some hard truths here. Is he still involved somehow with OW? I don't know, but he may be. Are you willing to stay married to him and let him have someone on the side? Only you can answer that. You can't make him do anything, but you can decide what you are willing and not willing to put up with. People have all kinds of suggestions about saying this or doing that to get the cheater back on the straight and narrow, and I could be all wrong, but to me that can backfire bigtime. No, in my marriage, I was not willing to go all the way and file for divorce, pack my stuff, and get the hell out of Dodge for some time, but I was willing and prepared to have my marriage be over before I was going to let my H get away with walking all over me. I realize you aren't in a position at this time to deal with this as it needs to be dealt with, but war zone or not, your H does not have the right to treat you as a doormat UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO LET HIM. Sorry if this seems like I am being mean, because I am just so concerned about you, and I feel like you are setting yourself up for a lot of unhappiness...
Brokenlady Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 So I have to be there for him too. Ultimately it is your choice to stay in the M, and it sounds like you are perhaps resenting him for your choice?
Author Spark1111 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Funny you should ask right now. DM just had his 1st panic attack in 19 years last week. He said the same thing - the enormity of what he did is starting to hit him. But of course, he used it as a way to get xW and I to throw a pity party for him so he could keep having it both ways. Geez, if only we'd stop harping about his duplicity, he wouldn't be so anxious and physically ill. Good news for him, I'm done harping. In fact, I'm done altogether. Good for you, BL! Prepare for it to be the first of many, if you stay in touch with him. If not, then it doesn't really matter, now does it?
Author Spark1111 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 My WW became a depressed cutter 6 months after the affair. It really sucked, because it exacerbated the codependency. I had to support her when I need her the most. I was jipped out of my feelings. I can so relate. My WS was a total mess after DDay, almost suicidal. I do not think it was the loss of his OW, because I had encouraged him to go get her and leave me the hell alone. I think it was the enormity of his secret compartmentalized world came crashing down on his shoulders. It was not how he saw himself at all, but who he had allowed himself to become during the affair. Yes, it is strange, but common, how in the midst of it all, we have to console them! Fair, no way!
Author Spark1111 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 I don't know if my H had them at all or not. I know that I had a few when we spoke about divorcing before d-day ever occurred. For me, it was an "I-can-believe-this-is-happening" kind of feeling. It felt too big to take in at one time. Too overwhelming. I find it interesting that your H is only having them now after you spoke with the former OW, though. Panic attacks usually occur when a person feels overwhelmed and has no idea of what they are going to do, the mind races. Why would he feel this way if he's pretty certain you aren't going to leave him? I can't claim to know why he is having them two years after the fact, but it certainly seems like your need to speak to the xOW and then speaking to her sparked these. Oh no, NID. He had them from about 6 months post DDAy, to about 6 months ago. I was relentless in finding out the truth of the affair, and he trickle-truthed like a pro. I almost left him many times in the course of a very rocky reconciliation. The truth made him crumble, though I knew most of it already. Just needed to hear it from him. I do not believe he was hiding continued contact, or anything of the sort. I think my questions just forced him to think back and see, really see, his actions from the past. Even he could not believe the deceptions he pulled. I mean, how can you reconcile it? I imagine for those who are truly remorseful, it must be a painful horror to go back in time and examine those actions. Anxiety attacks seem to be a way of diverting from the enomity of those acts.
Author Spark1111 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 THAT" ABOUT THE BEST DESCRIPTION OF HOW PART OF ME FEELS THAT I HAVE READ YET! SOMEBODY DOES UNDERSTAND! ( sorry to "yell", but you are so right!) I am so hurt by all of this that I find it hard sometimes to keep going, but i have to. i have to choice. my kids need me. But i am supposed to feel 'bad' for him because he is probably "grieving his lost relationship-i.e.- affair). So I have to be there for him too. my husband's also currently deployed to a war zone, so i have to "tread lightly" when I communicate with him, so as not to add stress there either. why would it be so hard for him to just hold me and tell me that he can't change what happened, but he's sorry it did happen? Maybe it's because spouses who cheat find the guilt really hard to face, i don't know, and they want "pity' for their own plight- that's what it sounds like your wife did- hurt herself so she'd be the one who needed "pity' and "sympathy" and "caring". But what about you? where is it for you when you need it? In a way, it's really, really tragic that people have to come on here to get understanding and solace from strangers, when it should be their spouse who's giving it to them Yes, so true. But the affair taught an invaluable lesson: I am kind, I am polite, I am concerned as any other friend would be, BUT, I am not a doormat, I have feelings too, and I am still angry and hurt by his actions and retain the right to be. I, too, can be in pain because of a trigger of the affair. I cannot punish him, because that would be counterproductive to the reconciliation, but I reserve the right to talk about it to him when I need to. We all have stress, dammit. His is not worse than mine, no matter what he thinks. A relationship consisting of two people can no longer be about just him and his feelings. Doesn't work, IMHO.
Author Spark1111 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Honey, you have to face some hard truths here. Is he still involved somehow with OW? I don't know, but he may be. Are you willing to stay married to him and let him have someone on the side? Only you can answer that. You can't make him do anything, but you can decide what you are willing and not willing to put up with. People have all kinds of suggestions about saying this or doing that to get the cheater back on the straight and narrow, and I could be all wrong, but to me that can backfire bigtime. No, in my marriage, I was not willing to go all the way and file for divorce, pack my stuff, and get the hell out of Dodge for some time, but I was willing and prepared to have my marriage be over before I was going to let my H get away with walking all over me. I realize you aren't in a position at this time to deal with this as it needs to be dealt with, but war zone or not, your H does not have the right to treat you as a doormat UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO LET HIM. Sorry if this seems like I am being mean, because I am just so concerned about you, and I feel like you are setting yourself up for a lot of unhappiness... Good post, Eeyore!
NowhereToHide Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Yes... as a MOW, I had severe panic attacks, horrible anxiety and needed to be put on anti-depressants. I didn't actually realize this was a common occurrence.
Author Spark1111 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Yes, according to a site which allows Wayward Spouses to support each other and vent, one thread mentioned it. Those who weighed in on their experiences seemed to think it was common for them, mostly post DDAY. Was wondering if any LSers had the same experience. The few I did have, were of course, post-triggers, and I guess the anxiety stemmed from, "Will I ever be able to fully trust this person again after all the hard work we have put in to the relationship?"
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