Dio Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I'm sure a lot of people will read this post, laugh, and think I've got what I deserved. 3 years ago I had an affair with a work collegue. I posted a back then and got plenty of advice. I ended the relationship with the ow and began repairing my marriage. I don't want to try and sound like a convert but I really did. I took full responsibility for my actions and worked to fix my problems. I was extreamly selfish before (and during) the affair. I have since done everything to show my wife how I've changed znd repair the damage I caused. Ok. These last two weeks something has been off. Nothing I could put my finger on but I just knew. Last night I managed to get it out of her. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you.". I also found out she has feelings for someone at work but apparently nothing has happened. We both had a sleepless night. I can't resolve with her shat she wants to do. All she says is she doesn't want to hurt me. We both agreed that she should go to her mothers and she has done. I don't know what to do. I know I'm to blame for this. I know I damaged the relationship but Ive loved her these last 2 yrs more than any in the last 20. There is something else. We have 2 girls aged 11 and 12. Does anyone have a suggestion as to what I should do. Please, please some advice.
imagine Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Expose the affair. Make sure that you get details. Quite possibly she is not telling you the whole truth. Snoop. Meet her emotional needs. Confront the OM. Tell him that you are fighting for your wife. Discuss the matter with her HR department. Approach them in a businesslike way. Make sure that they are not able to spend inappropriate periods of time together in working hours. Lastly, focus on the marriage. Acknowledge your shortcomings. See what she is looking for in this relationship that replaces you. You be absolutely honest through your actions. Do not talk about your relationship. Do not say that you love her. Find out what her Language of Love is... (Chapman). Most importantly- no lovebusters: angry outbursts, independent behaviour, disrespectful judgments or dishonesty.
Ronni_W Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Dio, When marriages/relationships break down, there's nothing to laugh at. Only individuals who are filled with their own bitterness and regrets would do that about someone else's pain. Regardless of what you did or may have done in the past, you are (still) perfectly worthy and deserving of understanding and compassion. You may want to check MarriageBuilders.com -- the infidelity section, questionnaires, love busters, emotional needs, policy of joint agreement (in short, ALL of it .) I know I'm to blame for this. Another way to look at it is that you are responsible for your affair...and your wife is responsible for hers. More importantly, you TOOK responsibility, and did what you could to repair your marriage. It is fine to ask her to take responsibility instead of just hiding behind, "I don't want to hurt you." That's just a crock o' crap, and could keep you both stuck in LimboLand for who knows how long. In any case, you're ALREADY hurting...the ship on that has sailed. Tell her you're both hurting, so there's no point focusing on "not hurting" one or the other. Be clear with her that there are important decisions and solutions on which you both need to be working, and this is no time to be squeamish or patronizing. IMO, if you let your self-blame/guilt get in your way, you won't be able to effectively ask for what you want and need, the first being her clear decision about what she wants and intends to do. I'm sorry that you're going through this. It didn't happen ONLY because you had an affair. No doubt that contributed, but your wife is also an adult who ought to also be held accountable for her own words and actions. Hugs, and best of luck for positive outcomes.
Author Dio Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 (edited) Thnx for your replys. She says nothing has happened but I'm sure something happened about two weeks ago on her works Xmas do; since then I have noticed a difference. After my affair I read 'his needs her needs' in order to try put right what I had done. I couldn't get her to read it. I continued regardless. That was 3 yrs ago. Maybe your right and I have slipped back into some old ways. My father-in-law is coming down to take the kids out for a bit so my wife and I can talk. I don't know what I can say to her because I feel that I have been treating her as I should. She has already said she believes I'd never do it again. She says she has forgiven buy can't forget. She told me that she has had feelings for this guy for a while but he recently confirmed his own for her. She's been obsessed with the Twighlight saga and I'm wondering if she's got all those teenage ideas floating round her head. I don't want our marriage to end. For my childrens sake as well as mine. I do love her. Edited December 21, 2009 by Dio
Author Dio Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 IMO, if you let your self-blame/guilt get in your way, you won't be able to effectively ask for what you want and need, the first being her clear decision about what she wants and intends to do. Thnx Ronni. That last bit about the clear decision is what I really need. I can't even begin to get my head around this untill I know what I'm up against. All I've had is wishy answers. She's been gone all day. I tried not to txt her but caved. I asked her if she was trying to make up her mind or if this was indeed it. She said shed not thought about making a decision yet as she felt ill. She says her whole world has caved in and she's hurting because she knows I am. What do I make of that?
nobmagnet Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 sounds hopeful to me. Try to be as calm as you can when you talk to her. Even if you feel like crap try to be calm. I wish you all the best my freind. I wish all people who had affaires were as strong as you to put the effort in to make good the bad. xx
Ronni_W Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I don't know what I can say to her because I feel that I have been treating her as I should. That's an all too frequent problem, IMO. And I'm guilty of it, too. Rather than treat her how YOU think you "should", ASK her how SHE wants and needs to receive your love and support. As well, discover and tell her how YOU want and need it. Ask (and tell): What makes YOU feel loved, respected, acknowledged, special, heard, supported and admired? Ask (and tell): What makes YOU feel unloved, disrespected, not heard, etc., etc. That is, when you get with her, make it a "fact finding mission" rather than trying to make statements that could be damaging and/or 'promises' that will not help either of you because it's NOT what she needs or wants to be promised. (If that makes sense?) She said shed not thought about making a decision yet as she felt ill. She says her whole world has caved in and she's hurting because she knows I am. What do I make of that? Honestly? I would say along the lines of, "I do appreciate that your world has caved in -- I can totally relate. And I appreciate your concern for me. But please let ME take care of my own feelings. You deserve to focus on you, and WE need you to focus on you." (In your own words, of course.) I wouldn't push for any decision today -- I'd encourage you to find some patience, even though I get that it will be extremely difficult. But. Give her a time-frame, by all means. You could do something like, "I understand that you're feeling ill, and maybe this time of year is not the best to be making such important decisions. Let's set a firm date, and we'll talk about it on ____." (January 4 or 11 or whatever.) Like that more, maybe? Express that you understand where she is, but also be assertive (clear and kind) in expressing your own wants and needs, and where you are. Good luck -- I hope your talk goes well!
Author Dio Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Oddly I seem to be managing calm pretty well. I'd have thought I'd go ape at the mention of another man. ...I really appreciate your words. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this and it's helping or maybes its just distracting me. Anyway. She'll be down soon. I'll let you know the outcome.
Ronni_W Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Oddly I seem to be managing calm pretty well. I'd have thought I'd go ape at the mention of another man. Maybe it's just that you're well aware of how such things can happen? -- from your personal experience, you've developed understanding and compassion about this? Which is, of course, a GOOD thing! Hopefully it will serve you, your wife and your marriage well, at this point. As I said above, good luck when you speak with each other.
Author Dio Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Well, we talked and from what I can gather of it all it goes like this. She doesn't feel intimate with me anymore. She says when were together I get aroused quickly whereby she doesn't. She is adamant nothing has happened with this guy but she does have feelings for him. After speaking with her family and friends she doesn't want to make a quick decision yet. I now feel that this is a straight choice she is trying to make between him and me. She is staying here at home. She is lying next to me (thank god for iPhones). I can't sleep and feel like I'm dying from the inside. I feel powerless which I hate. I've said to her that she needs to leave her job and get this guy from her head. I can't compete against him and her hormonal feelings. She can't be intimate with me untill that happens. I get the feeling that she's back for Xmas for the childrens sake. I don't know if I should use this opportunity to win her over or if it's futile. Should I force the issue and get her to choose? I never knew I wad this emotionally weak. It is destroying me.
Ronni_W Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 She doesn't feel intimate with me anymore. She says when were together I get aroused quickly whereby she doesn't. Sounds like a technique problem, Dio. ASK her to show you want she wants and needs in the sex department. Learn how to give an erotic massage here: sexuality.org/erotmass.html Invite her on a festive shopping expedition to your closest 'Aren't We Naughty'-type store. Pick-up tutorials and "how to" guides. Books and videos. (No, not porn -- educational materials!) Once you both have some ideas of what new stuff you each want to try...another shopping trip for the toys, lotions and whipped cream You could also check the recommended lists of books and videos at sexuality.org, or read the archived articles here: sexuality.org/l/sex/ 'The Joy of Sex' is tried and true. 'How To Drive Your Lover Wild With Pleasure' is available at: drdate.com 'The Art of Sexual Ecstasy' is available at amazon and the like. --- Something else I'd suggest is maybe to print the 'emotional needs' questionnaire (from MarriageBuilders.com), and give it to her for her to take a look at if/whenever she feels like it. Yes, a crappy sex life can lead to a lack of emotional intimacy as well, and make it seem like an attractive option to seek sexual-emotional fulfillment elsewhere...but it won't hurt, IMO, to give her some resources that hopefully will help her figure out where she is, emotionally, and what else she's been missing from her marriage. If the major part of it is a lacklustre sex life, honestly it is relative simple to "cure"...but will still need your commitment and willingness to explore new techniques, tools and territory (in every sense of that word!)
imagine Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I would not believe everything that she says. Were you honest when you cheated? Confront him at work. Confront his family. Expose them carefully to the company bosses.
Author Dio Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 Hi. An update. I'm not optimistic about our prospects. It's been 5 days since I found out. She isn't giving me any sign that she wants to work on us. If I try an broach the subject she says her head is a mess and she doesn't know what she wants. She had to go into work on Wednesday. I asked her to speak to him and tell him that it was over and no more contact. I intercepted some emails that arranged the meeting so I know it happened. The emails also confirmed slot of what my wife had told me regarding her feelings for him and that nothing physical had gone on. There was no way she could know I could read them as she deleted her sent, recieved and deleted mails so I don't think they were for show. My main problem is her lack of intimacy and her complete absence of showing me any indication that were going forwards. I really don't have a clue where I stand. She's convinced she hasn't done anything wrong. I don't know how to be around her. Do I stand off and let her come to me? Do I show affection without being clingy. Do I leave and tell her to let me know when she's willing to or if she's willing to work on us. L
CBIIS1 Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Walk. Its no use trying to reason with a woman at this point. She's bored with the old relationship and feels that life has more to offer elsewhere. It won't but she has to find out for herself. Once upon a time people put up with life, now they throw it away and start back up just to find themselves back in the same spot. Your affair is a convenient excuse for her. You looked elsewhere because she got boring. Now she's doing it too. Sorry, but the more you try to fix this the deeper into pooh you'll get. Just walk, this one was her call and you've got an easy ticket out.
Gunny376 Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 I'm going to have to redrict you to the sex portion of LS to post.
imagine Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Hi. I don't know how to be around her. Do I stand off and let her come to me? Do I show affection without being clingy. Do I leave and tell her to let me know when she's willing to or if she's willing to work on us. Be cheerful. Meet her needs. Be the man that she fell in love with. Do not mope in front of her. Defend your marriage before her and other people. Expose where you have proof and continue to keylog her emails and tape her calls (Use a voice activated recorder). Never reveal your sources. Buy "Surviving an affair" Dr Harley. I would be cautious going to a MC unless you know they are pro marriage and have a good pro-marriage record. Do not take her to the councilor while she is chasing after OM. She will use the MC against you. Give this matter a thought: If you had an affair- why? If she is having an affair - why?
Author Dio Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Hi. To some extent that's what I have been trying to do. We had all of her family round yesterday for our annual boxing day games party. I managed up be my fun loving self and at one point she looked at me and smiled in a way that seemed to be trying to tell me something. I'm trying to maintain a level of confidence but it's so hard sometimes. Mainly like now when i wake in the early hours. I still can't decide if I should be here of not. Part of me says don't go. Stay and, like you say, show her the man she married. The other part says leave and shock her into realising she might loose me while she's trying to decide. I know that I won't take this for much longer. I have pride and I won't stick around for ever under these circumstances. And your last point I will think on. After reading 'His Needs, Her Needs' I'm guessing it was just that. Needs. If i was to take a guess at my wifes. I think that my a shook her confidence. Questioned who she was married to. Had someone at work pay her interest. This wasn't the reason I had my A but at the time she had put on a fair bit of weight. She was about 2 stone heavier than when we married. She's now lost that again and I know she feels a lot more confident. Thanks again for your replys. I'll keep you posted.
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