iwanttolive Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 My bf confessed that he went to a strip club with his buddy. He said he felt so guilty he needed me to know. He went into a room with a gal for a massage session. He told her he did not want anything more than a massage because he has a gf. Then the gal started kissing him and rubbed herself on him with her undies on. I asked him if he kissed her back. He said yes out of his brainlessness. He apologised to me and said I was very important to him. He held my hand and said he would not visit such a place anymore in the future because he loves me and wants to be faithful to me. I felt like puking when he told me what he did. I don't know how should I respond to this. Don't you think relationship is so scary. Every second carries a risk of infidelity! And the wayward spouse can hide it from you for years. So what am I gonna do now? Ask him to report his every move to me? I felt numb when he told me about this. My dad was unfaithful to my mom, my uncle had a kid with another woman during his marriage, my mom brought his brother for STD test after he cheated on his wife. F*ck
tryagaintoday Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I would give him another chance (last chance). Thing is, he fess up and made a promise now. As long as he keep it, think it's fine.
Author iwanttolive Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Without him knowing it's the last chance, I suppose. And now? Am I supposed to be angry at him? I'm feeling numb but sick. It's disgusting thinking the dirty gal rubbing on him.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Without him knowing it's the last chance, I suppose. And now? Am I supposed to be angry at him? I'm feeling numb but sick. It's disgusting thinking the dirty gal rubbing on him. If you can't put with cheating, then you definitely can't put up with cheaters. That's the principle, isn't it? If he happens to do it again, then you would have yourself to blame for forgiving him.
Author iwanttolive Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 I don't think anyone can put up with cheating. But love may overcome the hurt. If the act was done out of curiosity and excitement, just slightly crossing the thin line between just seeing and touching, then it's ok? I think there's gender inequality in cheating. People often say to a guy who "imagine if your gf were to do the same thing". But no, I can't even imagine myself doing the same thing. It's disgusting to let a stranger rubs himself on me! So, is it ok for a guy to do certain thing but not for a girl?
tryagaintoday Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I don't think anyone can put up with cheating. But love may overcome the hurt. If the act was done out of curiosity and excitement, just slightly crossing the thin line between just seeing and touching, then it's ok? I think there's gender inequality in cheating. People often say to a guy who "imagine if your gf were to do the same thing". But no, I can't even imagine myself doing the same thing. It's disgusting to let a stranger rubs himself on me! So, is it ok for a guy to do certain thing but not for a girl? I'm a guy. For me, I believe there is gender inequality. Not saying what he did was right - it's wrong. Just that, if it's a moment of foolishness and he is truly remorseful, it's still acceptable for me. Although I am sensible and disciplined enough to never do it, I imagined that if I did it and am truly sorry, I will let this served as a reminder for the rest of my life. If you'll willing to take the second chance route, you should not 'rub' (no pun intended ) it in to him everytime. He'll be very put off.
Author iwanttolive Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 lol.. lovely pun.. Should I make life hell for him for a while?
imagine Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Establish boundaries. No stripclubs. You need to realize that private contact with a person of the opposite gender is a no-no. Both of you need to have a policy of gender access control. It is well that he told you about his actions. He might be reluctant to give all the details at one sitting. Take time to talk about your various boundaries. ie Confiding, secrets, past history. You need to be honest and you need to allow him to be.
Author iwanttolive Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Won't he just go without telling me next time, if I tell him no stripclub?
Citizen Erased Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Won't he just go without telling me next time, if I tell him no stripclub? Probably. If I were you I would not give him another chance. But I have zero tolerance for something like this, no matter how much I love someone or how sorry they are. It's really up to you and if you think you can deal with this.
an hero Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I think if you really love him you should give him a second (and final) chance. One moment of brainlessness should not ruin something that special. Forbid him from going out without you for a long while.
eeyore1981 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 lol.. lovely pun.. Should I make life hell for him for a while? Hard truth, but a truth nonetheless. You cannot make another person be faithful. You can be his warden, but do you really want to live like that? This kind of advice was very hard for me to let sink in and accept, but eventually I got it. My H of 20+ years had an affair. I let myself go insane monitering his every move for quite some time. I finally realized if he wanted to cheat again, he would find a way. I still check from time to time, because if I ever see anything so much as suspicious, that's it, game over, no explanations, no more chances, etc. etc. I can't say I trust my H, as there were too many lies. I am beginning to trust myself, though, and what I want from my life, which is pretty simple, I want to love someone who loves me back, and second choice is be by myself. H is 100% aware of this, and all I can say is if he wants to be with me, he can be satisfied with just me, or do without me. That's all the advice I have to give. Be true to yourself.
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 It's one thing to go to a strip joint..It's a whole other thing to get a massage/rub or whatever.. Let his actions show you that he is truly sorry. Hearing he's sorry is great, but unless he's really ready to prove this to you in actions (and that means sayin NO to his buddies if they ask him go to back to the strip joint) then trust IS going to be an issue. For a while..
Gabriele Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 12 years ago I had been away from home for a bit. When I returned my H told me that a 'friend' has stayed at our place while I was away (we were in our early 20's then) she had too much to drink and could not drive.......NOTHING happened.....He loves me, just did not want someone to say something to me and me to misunderstand........fast forward 12 years..........he slept with her.....more than once. and when he told me it came out in half truths. What I am saying......there was likely more than JUST a kiss and HER rubbing herself. You should pry a bit more to get the full truth. and of coarse NO strip clubs.......it can be a choice "ME or strip clubs" should not be a hard decision, if he loves you that much.
sonicranger Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 It's one thing to go to a strip joint..It's a whole other thing to get a massage/rub or whatever.. Let his actions show you that he is truly sorry. Hearing he's sorry is great, but unless he's really ready to prove this to you in actions (and that means sayin NO to his buddies if they ask him go to back to the strip joint) then trust IS going to be an issue. For a while.. I agree with this completely. I'm a guy but I don't think it matters at this point. If my woman went to a bachelorette party or a whatever and had an "incident" like this I'd be a little angry as well. It's one thing to go watch the game, another to participate in it.
2sure Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I'm not sure what is going on but I can tell you for certain that a dancer in a strip club did not kiss him on the mouth unless it was a closed peck thing. Period.
Author iwanttolive Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 I want to give him a chance to prove to me but I don't know how. I'm not an assertive person. I'm timid as a mouse. I don't know how to tell him "you have to gain my trust back again".
Author iwanttolive Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Btw, he gave me a real cute smiley teddy bear as a surprise on one occasion when I was really sad. He loved the bear as much as I do. We brought it everywhere we go. I'm going to destroy it
imagine Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Won't he just go without telling me next time, if I tell him no stripclub? The point is to discuss these matters before they come up. If he is weak to turn down a strip invitation. let him quickly text you so that you can call him back. If you have no definite standpoint on these activities, you can be easily persuaded to take him back after the deed has been discovered. A quiet woman is a wonderful thing for a man to have. Don't be quiet on your principals.
make me believe Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I highly doubt this situation stopped at a massage and a kiss. Unless we can get some clarification about what exactly this girl was "massaging." I would not forgive my bf for doing something like this. There is just something so dirty and gross about it. I hate it when people say "if you really love him, give him a second chance." If HE really loved YOU, he would not need a second chance because he would not have risked his relationship for a "massage" from a stripper! And I agree completely with Gabriele. He is giving you half-truths as a way to alleviate some of his guilt without revealing too much. There is no way he got a "massage" at the strip club and it stopped at that.
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