Engaged, but losing the spark?

[PCSC2006]

This may belong in the dating section, but considering the seriousness of our relationship at this point, I figured I'd try this forum first.

 

I'm 21 years old and since February have been engaged to the best woman (24 yrs. old) I've ever known. We've dated for a little over four and a half years, with our relationship growing out of a very strong friendship that developed over a long distance.

 

There are other concerns that have arisen in my mind lately in regards to our relationship, but the biggest problem we've been facing in the last several months, and likely even longer, has been my lack of physical attraction to her. Our relationship has never been based on physicality. Whenever I first met her, I was not the least bit physically attracted to her, as much as it hurts me to say that. As we grew closer as friends, though, I found myself getting more and more attracted to her. She's never been "hot," but by the time we were dating she was certainly able to turn me on and was (and still is in many ways) very beautiful to me.

 

I know that weight is a touchy issue in many of these forums, so let me preface this. She has been overweight most of her life, and all the time that I've known her. However, I generally like heavier women, so it's never really been a real issue for us. She has, though, gained weight over the last couple years, and I think that this is part of why my attraction towards her has diminished lately. She's even acknowledged it herself whenever we've discussed my apparently declining drive, and I know that she's aware of her weight gain and is frustrated by it. Anytime I try to offer support, whether by encouraging her to exercise or eat better, though, she seems to feel like I'm putting too much pressure on her and it just builds up resentment. I don't claim to know exactly what she's going through, but I often feel like she could be doing more to shed the extra weight, not just for aesthetics, but also for her health, as she's also been told by her doctor she needs to lose weight.

 

The vast majority of our relationship has been from a distance, and though we're closer now than we used to be (two hours apart versus 22), I don't know how helpful I can be from afar. I try to work out everyday and am in pretty good physical shape, though I could stand to eat better. She's gotten to the point, though, where she thinks her losing weight is hopeless and that she just can't do it, and that I'm somehow just "lucky" to be in better shape than she is.

 

OK, part two of the thread...thanks for bearing with me.

 

When I proposed to her ten months ago, my initial reaction wasn't excitement or happiness. It was a sense of, "Holy crap, what have I done?" She could tell something was wrong with me afterwards, and we eventually talked it over. As best as I could figure, I'd all of a sudden been hit with the finality of what I'd just done. Neither one of us has ever had a serious relationship with anyone other than each other. We've talked about this before when she's brought it up worrying about not having ever given me the chance to "explore my options," so to speak, before we started dating, as we first became an item whenever I was just 17 or so. As she's stated, at the time, she had at least had a year of being on her own at college to see what/who else might be out there, but still wanted to be with me.

 

I've always reassured her that I didn't need time to look elsewhere, that I'd still met plenty of people while I was with her and none of them could compare to her. And that's still true - I have yet to meet anyone with whom I could see myself being more compatible than with her. Lately, though, I'm beginning to wonder if I might be...I know this sounds horrible...outgrowing her. When I was younger, I felt like she served as a great moral and intellectual influence on me, someone I could really look up to, learn from, and through my relationship with her, mature. Now, though, I find myself getting more frustrated with some of our conversations and things she says, less challenged by her intellectually, and more disillusioned with what are either newly emerging character flaws or previous ones that have strengthened.

 

The past year or so, she's been under a lot of stress. She's had to deal with financial troubles and the death of several people close to her, and it's taken a toll on both of us - her for obvious reasons, and me because of my inability to do anything to help and often bearing the brunt of her frustrations. In the process, though, she's talked to me about how she's become a bitterer, more cynical person. I've constantly reassured such isn't the case, but I'm starting to think maybe she's right. She's much more pessimistic than she was when we first were together and has become more...judgmental towards others at times. She's still a lot better than most anyone else I know in both of those regards, but by her normal standards, they've been getting worse, and I don't know if it's just a rough patch or if this really is leaving a more permanent impact. Anytime I try to offer advice or empathize with any of her troubles, I typically just upset her further because she-very accurately so-points out that I'm not going through what she is and don't have any idea what it's like, which I acknowledge anytime I say anything. I just feel like anytime I try to offer any optimism or reassurance, I just get shut down to the point that I feel like we might not as well even be talking.

 

Even though she's still a great person in my eyes, I'm beginning to wonder if I might just be settling here. It's almost like she's self-deprecatingly stated so many times that she's not good enough for me and that she's holding me back that I'm beginning to believe it. Though I love her so, so much, she's definitely needier than I am, perhaps even to the point of co-dependence. I'm a pretty independent person, though being in a relationship has definitely made more prone to loneliness. If something were to happen between us, I'm almost certain that, while it would be devastating to both of us, I'd be able to recover better than she would. She's a strong person, but considering all she's had to deal with over the last year or two, I don't want to think what this could do to her. But lately, I've been wondering more and more, what if there is someone else out there? What if she isn't the best fit for me? I know we always can ask about the grass being greener, but, I don't know...some of the little things I've noticed lately, like how I like to get up and "attack the day," so to speak, but any time she's able, she'll just lay around in bed until I get her up. I'm not against her sleeping in, and considering her typical schedule (she's a nursing student), it's well-deserved. It's just frustrating when day after day, we say we're going to get up at this particular time so we can get do X, Y, and Z, but then she won't get up for another hour, two hours, and then gets stressed because we haven't gotten everything done.

 

Excuse the tangent.

 

I love her very much, and though I realize physicality shouldn't be the basis of a relationship, I don't know if one can survive without it. I still drive her wild and am able to satisfy her, but I just don't feel the same attraction to her as I once did. I hate to admit it, but I couldn't say with total honesty at this moment that I find her "hot" or even "beautiful" in a sense other than emotionally or perhaps spiritually. And it's taking a toll on us. She knows something's been up with me and has said that she gets much more gratification out of me being satisfied than through me pleasing her. I've just been telling her and myself that it's just because she has a more active libido than I do. I do think that is part of the problem (she could masturbate probably 2-3 times a day versus me doing it a few times a week [remember, long distance relationship]), but it's starting to hit that it's not all of it. I want to be with someone who I, with a clear conscience, can call beautiful and even "hot," and just by my own standards of how I would define those terms - not even necessarily society's. I need to feel attracted to her, and she needs for me to feel attracted to her - she's said as much. And I feel like if this were able to overcome, then it would help her insecurity so much, which would help out a lot of the other stresses on our relationship.

 

Finally, let me state that the reasons I normally give for why I love her far outweigh her flaws. She's an amazing person and I love her very much, and she's still beautiful to me in a personality-sense whenever I hold her and look into her eyes. It just seems like more and more I'm either forgetting those reasons for why I first fell in love with her or am wondering where they all went...

 

So, I guess my questions, other than just asking for general advice, would be...what should I do? Are we ready to get married? Should I break it off? How can I bring this up without completely devastating her (I already know it will hurt her)? What can I do to help without being seen as pushy or overbearing?

 

Thanks in advance for the advice, as well as for making it all the way through this post. If you need any other supplementary information to better paint the picture of things, just ask away.

[Boundary Problem]

I don't recommend you marry a woman when you feel you are 'settling' for her.

 

If she has a feeling of hopelessness about her weight at the age of 24, you have to expect she will put more weight on over the decades. I was 135lbs in my 20's which was actually a bit light for my height and now I'm 150lbs after 1 child. Sure I might lose 10 lbs, but you have to take people for the way they are. If you are that sensitive about weight, and she isn't working on it successfully at all - I forsee a problem with you losing attraction for her.

 

You don't settle down with someone because they are a good friend.

 

You settle down when you want to take their clothes off all the time, AND they are a good friend, good values, aren't bank robbers etc.

[xpaperxcutx]

Aside from the settling, do you think you've proposed to her because subconsciously you think it will motivate her to lose weight?

 

Her weight isn't the problem, it's you. You're trying to " mold" her into the image you want her to be, when she's been whom she is for perhaps most her life ( minus the recent weight gain).

 

If you're not physically attracted to her, then you should have never proposed to her. It is a mistake to tie someone to you for the rest of their life just on an impulse. Maybe she was never the one for you, nor you, her.

[PCSC2006]

I wouldn't say the proposal was an attempt to get her to lose weight. Like I said, it typically hasn't really been a big issue for me from an attraction standpoint. And in a lot of ways, I can't say for certain that it's the cause of my decreased interest - just the most likely suspect, which she herself has identified. Her weight gain hadn't even been articulated as a potential problem until after the engagement. If something else necessarily contributed to the proposal other than genuine desire and will, it was probably a little bit of me feeling rushed. She was very insecure about rushing me, and normally it wasn't a problem, but looking back on it I wonder if maybe I was. Considering the age difference, her clock has been ticking more rapidly than mine, especially combined with the fact that we both want to pursue graduate study, and with some of her health problems (somewhat related to the weight as well), she's been told she'll have trouble having kids, especially once she reaches 30.

 

As for trying to mold her, to a degree, I'd agree that's true. But I think for the most part it's not so much I'm trying recast her in new ways as it is I'm concerned that she's changing from how she previously was. Of course perception has to be considered, but I doubt I'd be as conscious of it if she herself hadn't first made the observations herself (e.g. becoming more bitter).

 

While I don't think the finality of the proposal had hit me fully, it was far from an "impulse." We'd been dating for almost four years at that point, and I'd been planning it out and thinking about it for approximately a year. But no, the ramifications of its absolute permanence hadn't yet hit until after I'd actually gone through with it.

[Boundary Problem]

Honestly,

you don't sound very into her.

 

I can almost hear you dragging your feet from here.

 

 

Life is WAY too short to be shackled to someone unless you are deeply in love with them.

 

 

Marriage is not inevitable, you know, in life.

[PCSC2006]

I knew it was going to come out sounding that way (me not into her), and at this present moment, I'm probably not as into her as I should be. However, this is indeed just a "moment" in which I am posting this, a moment of a lot of confusion and uncertainty.

 

On a long-term scale, I am very into her. We have similar interests, she's generally a very sweet person, she's very cute (behaviorally), and I've grown to love her so much. I just...I don't know.

 

Admittedly, at times I've wondered if some of the most pivotal things keeping us together (from my standpoint) are our history and memories together and the fact that neither one of us can really imagine our lives without the other. I know a lifetime is much longer, but it's hard to conceive of how much I feel like I'd be sacrificing if I were to end it, and how much it would hurt her. She's a good person, and I do still love her, and the thought of hurting her by breaking up is...frightening. Our lives have become so intertwined, we've established relationships with each other's family and friends, and we've worked hard to plan our futures so that we can be together. If I weren't into her in some way, then I'd like to think I wouldn't have already wasted so much time and energy planning for nothing.

 

But who am I to know.

 

Does anyone have any advice for how to kindle/rekindle how it once was, or does it really sound like this was doomed from the get go? I appreciate the honesty, so keep it coming, but if anyone else has some more optimistic advice, please speak up!

[carhill]

The honeymoon period is over, her situational or emerging cynicism has distanced you emotionally and you've lost some sexual attraction. My take is you're not as compatible as you think.

 

Get some PMC to determine with clarity what is really going on and perhaps 'rekindle' the dynamic which once existed. If the wedding is set any sooner than a year, reschedule. You've got some stuff to do first.

[xpaperxcutx]

Maybe being together for 4 years prompted you to take the next step because you knew you were losing said " spark" and thought popping the question would have been exciting.

 

Whether you admit it or not, it is impulsive of you to ask her to marry you and then regret it the next day. But at least you're questioning your senses and not waiting for the day of the wedding to back out. The thing is, if you guys are what you say you are, well- matched, then you wouldn't be actually here asking for advice would you? I think you're looking for confirmations that what you had done was the right move and to calm whatever doubts you have.

 

Let's just say, yes, you've proposed, but you're going to make this a year or two year engagement. Would that make you happy somewhat? You can just call her your fiance. But I don't know how happy you would actually be as time goes on and you grow more unsettled with the idea of getting married.

 

You're 21, maybe you're just not READY to be married to the girl. Maybe the status quo you had with her was enough.

[TinyLee222]

OMG, you are so young,(21)! You have your whole life ahead of you. You should

be with lots of women at this stage in your life. Please don't take this the wrong way

but at 21 your testosterone is off the charts and if your fiance is not doing it for you

now can you imagine how it's going to be in 20 years??

 

I think at this point you are feeling guilty about breaking it off. You love her but you know in your heart that you are not in love with her.

 

Can you imagine how she feels knowing that you "have lost the spark"? Do her a favor NOW let her go.. Believe it or not your'll be doing her a favor. I wish you

well.

 

Lee

[PCSC2006]

Thanks for the responses everyone. The input is much appreciated.

 

Carhill: The wedding still has no date yet. Our schedules keep conflicting, so the earliest it could possibly be is December of 2010, though (in theory) it's looking like that might be the time. I've already thought about counseling of some sort and was actually wondering yesterday if we should go ahead and bump up the pre-marriage counseling to an earlier date than previously planned. I might bring this up whenever we talk.

 

xpapercutx: The observation about proposing to reignite things actually makes a little sense. I don't know if that was specifically stated by either one of us at any point, but it wouldn't surprise me if that wasn't at least a subconscious factor in my decision to propose or her growing impatience with me not having yet proposed. Also, from the time we got engaged, the engagement will be a year or two long. At this point, there's still about a year left, so we have some time to work some things out if need be.

 

As far as growing more unsettled...it's weird, this hasn't actually been a continual thing since the proposal, at least not to the same severity. My uncertainty really had all but receded for a while, but then this past week, I spent a week with her and most of the time there just wasn't any strong attraction, which hasn't gotten me worried again. I still love being with her and care about her and haven't ever been with (or met) anyone with whom I get along better, but I'm scared that without the physical attraction, or at least one stronger than what's there now, we're just really, really good friends.

 

TinyLee: I would indeed feel incredibly, indescribably guilty about breaking it off. But in addition to that, I do feel like there is "something" there worth saving, and I want to do what I can to try and salvage our relationship. As for loving versus being in love with her...I've been trying to figure that out lately and I can't honestly say either way.

 

Something I haven't yet mentioned, which may or may not make a difference...while we do other things (e.g. oral, handjobs) together, we haven't had actual sex yet. It started as for religious reasons, though at this point it's probably for more "rational" reasons (i.e. wait until marriage to make it more meaningful for us). We've considered not waiting to try and spice things up, though every time we decide we can make it and try more ways to keep things going. Do you guys think we should try to have sex now to rekindle things, or do my concerns further dictate that we should keep holding off?

 

Any more advice on anything is welcome, but at this point I think my next step is going to be just sit down and try to talk with her about all of this. I don't want to lead her along so everything is better than it seems, but I also don't want to just up and break it all off. Would anyone have any advice about how to best approach it? It (my waning attraction) won't be completely new to her, but I know she won't take my finally accepting and admitting it to her very well, nor any suggestions that perhaps we shouldn't get married. Any suggestions on how to approach this honestly but delicately will be much appreciated.

 

Thanks again for the help.

[giotto]

ouch! No sex? You'd better find out quickly if you are sexually compatible... I wouldn't marry her without knowing that... you are already having a difficult time as it is...

[stillafool]

You are only 21 with a lot of life to live and a lot more people to meet and explore. I wouldn't marry this girl if I were you because if you are not sexually attracted to her now it is only going to get worse if you marry. If at 24 years old she can't find the energy to lose weight what will she do or become after she marrys and starts having kids? No, move on young man. You love her because she is a good person.

[TinyLee222]

ouch! No sex? You'd better find out quickly if you are sexually compatible... I wouldn't marry her without knowing that... you are already having a difficult time as it is...

 

 

I must agree with the above.

 

 

You really need to find out if you are sexually compatible with her. You are already doubting your "attraction" to her because of her weight. If this is happening at 21 when you are out of your mind horny I predict down the road you guys are going to have some real problems. Sorry to be blunt but if you are not attracted to her with her clothes on whats going to happen when they come off? I see red flags popping up all over the place. You are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Think about YOURSELF! You seem like such a nice respectful guy. I am sure you feel guilty about how you are feeling. You deserve to fee that "spark" and chemistry that is so needed at the start of a relationship.

 

If you were my son and I do have a son 22 years old I would really

discourage you from getting married right now. You have plenty of time

for marriage and commitment to one woman. This must be difficult

for you and I wish you well...

 

Lee

[PCSC2006]

TinyLee: The thing is, though, I'm really not wild and crazy horny, and I don't think that's just because of her. Since we're still a few hours away and each in school, we'll be apart for weeks at a time, and even then I'm not going crazy with overrunning hormones. I'll masturbate a few times a week, but I normally stay so busy and preoccupied with other things that sexual gratification isn't necessarily at the top of my list. Which has definitely been a point of difference as she masturbates 2-3 times a day if she can find the time. Do you (or anyone else) think if I was with someone else this would be different for me, even when we were apart?

 

A couple people have mentioned her not having the energy to lose weight now and how that will likely be worse in coming years. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I could be more supportive in that now? Someone mentioned that they thought I was looking for confirmation that what I'd done (i.e. proposed) was right. More than that, I want honesty, but I also want to do what I can to try and keep the relationship going and help her, because I know she's aware she's overweight and doesn't like it. I know there's only say much we can do for others without them taking action themselves, but...while one might say it's just fear of the - at this point - unknown world of being single, it really is almost impossible for me to imagine my life now or later without her at this point, and I want do all that I can to help things before resorting to ending it.

 

If it seems hopeless, though, say so, and thank you to those of you who've been honest enough to say as much.