Tom81 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I need some advice. My wife left me in June and moved out of the house in July. She moved in with a friend and has been living there for free since. She went back to school, quit her job, and is now pretty broke. I'm also now paying for most of the bills. We met tonight to go over things (i met with a lawyer couple weeks ago and wanted to discuss things) and she tells me tonight after all of this that she is moving back in the house in the beginning of January. I can't believe she has the nerve after being moved out for 5 months. She'll have money to chip in for the next semester...but I don't want her here. I told her "no" and she insited that it's her house too and yada yada. I said it'd be different if we were making progress with counseling and things like that...but she has no intention of that...it would just be like roommates. Emotionally and for my well being I DO NOT want here to move back into the house. Yes, I love her and don't want to give up on the marriage...but I don't want her back in the house. NC has really been helping me...besides the holiday stuff I've been really good (well as good as I can be). She left me...I don't think it's right of her to move back. I'm going to call my lawyer tomorrow and see if I can change the locks or see what my rights are. I don't want to get a divorce quite yet as I'm still working on my last year of school and don't want to worry (yet) about selling the house. Any advice, comments, or opinions would be great as I'm freaking out a little right now. Thanks!
Boundary Problem Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Well do you want to get back together with her or not? Does she want to get back together with you? Mortgages, houses, kids, school etc are all excuses. If you aren't getting back together with her, why dont you think about buying out her share in the house? Edit - if she moves back as a "roommate' - if you are anything like me and my ex - lots of tension in the house. Not healthy.
Author Tom81 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 I would like to work on things with her...but not like this. I also don't have the money to buy her out and I'll be moving this summer after I finish school and will be finding a job somewhere else. And I definitely realize that I don't want her at the house because of what that would do to my mental state. She has also made it clear her moving back in is not a way of getting back together. I took the separation thing real badly...I'm really starting lately to be much better in the emotional and mental state. If my lawyer lets me I'd put new locks on the house...but I don't think I can do that.
Boundary Problem Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Well if she moves back in as a roommate and there is tension in the house, how are you going to study? Why not sell the house now and split the money? I didn't see if there were children, but this will be really confusing for them., But yeah - until you are actually divorced, you are kind of pseudo-spouses and it makes for a very confusing time.
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 It seems she is only coming back because she is broke. Out of desparation, maybe? Be careful and don't trust her at her word. When you say she moved in with a friend, did she cheat on you? WHO is that so called friend she's been living with for 5+ months? And now all of a sudden she wants to come back home..Something feels off. Do talk to your lawyer. Find out exactly what the rules are here..
seibert253 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Since you're going to be moving after you finish school, go ahead and put the house on the market. If she doesn't want that, tell her to make you an offer, ( good luck since she's broke). Contact an attorneyASAP
Woggle Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Contact an attorney and find out your rights. She chose to leave and she moved out so she should have to deal with whatever comes with that. She wanted to be independent so now is the time for her to be.
Enema Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Can she even afford to pay 50% of everything, or does she expect a free ride?
Author Tom81 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 She cannot afford to pay 50 percent of things most likely no. I do not want to put the house on the market yet. I don't want to have to move all my stuff for 3 months and just have to move again. I also live where there is a lot of snow and would rather wait until the weather is more cooperative. We do not have kids to answer that question. She has been living with a girl friend who also just separated from her husband and had an extra room. My wife has been there for 5 months and I think it's ridiculous of her to think it'd be OK to move back into the house. I am calling my attorney tomorrow to find out my rights and see where I stand. Because her moving back in has disaster written all over it. Emotionally I just can't do the whole roommate thing.
Enema Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Good luck. Keep us updated, I want to see how this one pans out!
Author Tom81 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 I talked to lawyer and he said that it's her house too and she has the right to live in it. We are just going to have to set up a wall (metaphorically speaking). We could only do something if she isn't paying while living here or she's abusive which she is not. Unfortunately I can't get a separation agreement until one of us is physically living apart. I'm going to call her tonight and tell her these things and ask her again to find somewhere else to live. I'm giving her what she wanted...she wanted to divorce me and by her moving back in to the house she is preventing this from happening. SO frustrating!!!
Steadfast Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Tom, I've been where you are and it's tough. Tough, but not impossible. First, you're going to have to get tough. Tell her you've spoken to a lawyer (which is true) and have been advised to change the locks. Simply don't mention the rest of it. Since she has no intention of working on the relationship and it's purely financial/convenience, tell her what you've told us; that you will not, and are not going to live like that. Just say "It isn't happening." And while it's true that -legally- 1/2 of the property belongs to her, you own the controlling half. Spice this by presenting a retro-active bill for mortgage payments, utilities, etc. Tell her "Catch me up on these expenses and you've got a deal" Cite breach of contract if she balks. Basically, you must BS your way through this but you've got good reason. You are showing good judgment Tom. A weaker spouse might take advantage of her and hold the home as a form of relationship blackmail. Again, if she said she not interested in working it out, then no deal, no way, nope. As a matter of fact, even if she was making moves towards that, I'd delay moving her back in until some trust and ground is gained. If she gets desperate enough, she might start lying. Be careful, OK?
Woggle Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Does she constantly put you down and yell at you? If so you could maybe use verbal and emotional abuse as a reason to keep her out. I used the law to keep my ex out of the house though I did it in a different way.
threebyfate Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Tom, do you know how to be a complete arsehole? If so, pull from this wellspring of attitude. That's the only way you're going to keep her out, is by letting her believe that life with you will be worse than miserable.
nobmagnet Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I would embelish the truth too. Its an awful thing to do but hey....you need to look after you??!! if she is broke she wont be able to afford a solicitor and she will have to wait till you sell in 3 months. blag blag blag! I wish you the bestxx
mark982 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 put the fridge up in your bedroom and lock the door. starve her out.
nobmagnet Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 :laugh: leave your scrollies everywhere and as many dirty plates, cups ect. beer bottles everywhere might help! turn it into a proper blokes:bunny: pad deffo move the fridge. remove and cusions (Chicks like them) Posters of naked women on the walls.........fart fart and fart again. It needs to smell. One more thing, try not to change your socks for a couple of days and any old smelly trainers should be out on display. Lock the telly to sport only. ahhhh my work is done. xx
Author Tom81 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Well I could turn the place into a mess, but then I wouldn't like living at my home either, lol. I am not legally allowed to change the locks...if I could I would. If she does move in, it will be war of the roses. Password on computer, password on cable. If she has a test...stay up playing games or watching tv so she can't go to sleep. This was her decision...now she needs to be responsible. I don't want to play hard ball...but I will if I need to do so. Thanks guys.
Woggle Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Find some of your favorite cds and blast them at full volume Walk around in your underwear
CBIIS1 Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Get a GF pronto and put her in the ex's face. Nice guys finish dead last and right now the pack is losing you big time. She's a loser and the quicker you get that leach out of your life the better. You have to make her life hell in every which way you can, for your own good. Most of us are all nice guys but in this day and age that makes you a great guy to marry and an even better one to divorce. Its a woman's world and you better wise up to it. That's our fault too.
threebyfate Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Personal hygiene is a big one for women. If each room smells like a showerless man...she'll be flying away fast!
Author Tom81 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Personal hygiene is a big one for women. If each room smells like a showerless man...she'll be flying away fast! Yeah, but like I said I don't want my house smelling like a showerless man. But I do like to have people over and hang out and with her...that won't work. Or I'll have to ask her to leave and make sure she's gone. Man...i hope she finds some place to live by January...I don't want her back in my house.
nobmagnet Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 i recommend ....boys round most nights playing poker watching footie porn?? pants are essential and scratching you arse and nuts as often as you see fit. run chicky run.................... (i am a girl it would work for me!)
Woggle Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 This can actually be fun now that I think about it. Have a good time with this.
D-Lish Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 It doesn't sound like you want to work on things- sounds like you want the relationship to be done. If that's the case, stop making excuses about why you can't sell at this time because of the season, blah, blah, blah. Put your place on the market and designate your closing date on the listing.
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