lesoiseaux Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Hey everyone... Just last night my boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up. We're both 20. He had been realizing that he couldn't give as much as I was giving and that it wasn't fair to me, because I loved him and he wasn't completely there. I'm going to study abroad in France next semester (we're in CA) and so that was another reason for the break up, he just knew he wasn't 100% committed to a long distance relationship. He said he had talked to his mom last month, who divorced his dad when he was 6. His mom met his dad really young (17), got married really young and just didn't feel like she ever got the chance to grow and mature on her own. And that's what my ex was thinking...he and I got into a relationship, both our first, immediately upon entering college. I know that he deserves his chance to grow and mature independently, and I know that I deserve it too. I ended up being really dependent on him and no matter how many times I tried to change in the past, I know that nothing but a complete break would work. Even though it hurts like hell and I feel like I don't want it. What we ended up deciding was this. Starting today we would have no contact, only an email on one another's birthdays (mine in a couple of weeks, his in March). Nothing extensive, plus no Skype, no phone calls, no online chatting, etc. We can see other people if we want to, but if it starts to become something more than just a little date or two, we would tell the other person. Just so they know. He emphasized the fact that seeing other people wasn't the main goal of this break...really just the time to be single and independent. We made a rule that we both have to be optimistic and see this time apart as a chance for both of us to grow, separately. And we decided that when I get back from France in about 5 months, we would set up a time to talk and discuss if we want to get back together. He said he didn't want to give me false hope that we would get back together, but also that it's not an impossibility. We just have to wait and see. So in a way this is a break and a break-up, in one. I think this last part is the hardest for me to deal with...I am a girl who needs plans and certainty, and this is so uncertain. I want the safety of feeling like we'll probably get back together, but trust me I KNOW that there is no guarantee, and that I can't hold myself back by latching onto this potentially false hope. I know we need this. Even though I feel heartbroken I know that the alternative, a long-distance relationship that would inevitably end up in a break-up via Skype, would be infinitely worse. I know that he led me on by not telling me earlier that he had been feeling doubtful for fear of hurting me. I don't hate him. I still love him but I know I need to make a clean break. I know all this. But it still hurts. I need to know if what we're doing is right. I still want the chance to get back together but I know that's not what the next 5 months are supposed to be about. I know that being in France will really be an amazing way to distract me, but I'm at home for the next 2 weeks and I go through an emotional cycle of feeling understanding and relatively fine with the situation, then feeling completely numb and shocked, and then feeling sad. Am I, are we doing the right thing? I need some support, words of wisdom, advice...I just can't sit here moping. I need reinforcement.
Ronni_W Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Hugs, lesoiseaux. I'm sorry that you're hurting. Your ex needs the break-up, so it's the right thing. And you're going abroad and know that an LDR wouldn't have worked, so it's the right thing from that perspective, too. I wouldn't put any stock in "possibly we'll get back together later." Most often that is said in the moment, to relieve some of the immediate awkwardness, pain and potential 'emotionalism'. The words don't really offer any hope...I don't even think they're intended to, really. At the end of the day. There's also not much that is "uncertain" -- everything is pretty clear-cut and spelled out in great detail. It's a very well defined and controlled break-up. It sucks. It's over and it sucks. Fortunately you've both already agreed to 'no contact' so that ought to help with your healing and, as you say, you also have your upcoming adventure in France that'll give you physical and emotional distance. Again, sorry that you're going through it. Best of luck.
Meltkamp Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 keep with the nc thing its super hard and Im even trying not to contact my ex right now. Just stick to it. You will find someone that will be right for you. Your still young and have ambitions in life live for you for a while and learn who you are by yourself
Author lesoiseaux Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 It's just so hard...and it makes it even harder because sometimes I can really (or at least mostly) accept the situation at hand. And then sometimes I can't help but remember all the things we did, and all the things we won't do again. And then I start thinking about his personality and all his quirks and how that won't be there anymore. It just feels like such a huge loss. I am heartbroken, I feel like there's a big gaping hole in my chest...
Meltkamp Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 ok first thing first stop thinking about him first and fore most stop thinking about the goodtimes you 2 had dont look at pictures of you 2 together dont listen to cds he made you if he did. It will hurt for a while i still have that big empty hole in my chest but its getting smaller and I find myself being sorta happy off and on. I do the same thing can accept it one day the next i cant and I wanna run straight back to her but I cant N.C. I loved my ex's personality but what im finding that helps me forget her is the things she did that hurt me and things i didnt like about her im focousing on so i cant try to move on. just some tips and there are some people with great advice here. listen to them
Ronni_W Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I am heartbroken, I feel like there's a big gaping hole in my chest... Yes, it is exactly like that! One way of dealing with it is to keep your mind and body so busy that you can effectively ignore/deny your feelings and what is going on in your body. The other way, which I find much more difficult (for me) to do, is to just sit with the discomfort and the pain...to accept what's currently going on for you and 'go into' your body's felt sensations instead of trying to resist/reject it. This page on 'focusing' summarizes the process: focusing.org/sixsteps.html And here you will find the index to a free, online version of 'How to Survive the Loss of a Love': mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm Physical activity, keeping a journal, baking Holiday cookies, using your support network, practicing gratitude and random acts of kindness, doing arts and crafts projects -- all of these can also help get you through it. And be gentle with yourself; give yourself LOTS of love, kindness and compassion. I'm sorry that you're hurting.
singlegirl Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I'm sorry you are hurting too.... He sounds as though he is letting go and I would advise you to let go too. It will hurt but try to keep busy as suggested before...You have an amazing adventure ahead of you. who knows you may find love in France? You definately will not return the same person as you are now. Your confidence will grow with your experiences..You won't always feel dependent Letting go is easier to say than to do I am also in the same place and in pain for what was and for what might have been . Feel the pain and it will naturally ease for a while. Try to fill the void with friends. Whatever you do don't contact him. break ups are like pulling off an elastoplast, best done in one quick pull
Author lesoiseaux Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Thank you guys. I am realizing I can't post here too much because then I am just dwelling on the situation. I just woke up and it was strange, because I miss him but I am somewhat accepting at the same time. Kind of numb I guess. Meltkamp, I know you can keep up N.C. What I do whenever thoughts about calling my ex arise, I just think about how harmful calling would be. I mean, it just would make everything more painful. It wouldn't make us get back together. And even if it did, I know that deep down this break up was necessary. Although I know I'd feel happy if we got back together, it would only be superficial because he had been feeling doubts. As happy as he made me, he was only there 90%. That couldn't last a lifetime and I shouldn't want it to. It's the last part, I think...I still want that happiness we had together but I know (theoretically) that I could be happier. That I deserve someone who can give 100%. I had to cut the cord sometime. I think we could have been superficially happy for a long time until he pulled back more and the relationship became painful. It's best it ended when it did. I miss him but I am trying to so hard... Thank you so much, Ronni_W, for your kind words. I will definitely look at those links later. Your support means so much to me... Thank you too singlegirl, I am glad to know you are in a similar place as I am. I don't think I am going to try to find anyone in France, just myself! Haha. But I know what you mean. It's hard because my mom just asked me to email her something, and I had to do a search in my email and his name popped up. It's stuff like that that's the worst.
griffman Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 Believe me, it's very tough but you're lucky you got a chance to settle your feelings a little before you went on your trip (I wasn't so lucky). This distance will either bring you closer together, or let you both realize it's time to move on. I know how it feels to really, deeply love someone who isn't 100% there. It has nothing to do with you, some people are just wired differently than others. I know that my ex loved me, but it was just a part of her life, not the main focus. She was concentrating on her career, and the fact that I was upset that our relationship wasn't the #1 priority was really a more my problem than it was hers. Love is great, but I was hiding from the next stage in my life. So all that's left to do now is follow her example and concentrate on my career and me. I know what you mean about the cycles of emotions, it seems every morning i wake up anxious, then i get depressed, then I'm happy again, repeat. What helps me with that is writing in a journal, and writing on LS sometimes. I don't really consider it dwelling if done for the right reasons. Don't use it to feel sorry for yourself, although this is ok to let these feeling go early on, use it more for noting your progress and sticking to your plan and making new plans. It does wonders for me. Sometimes writing is the only thing that makes me feel better, even better than talking with close friends. Exercise is great too. I joined the city's ultimate frisbee team and that has been a great support network. Just be sure not to form bad habits, smoking heavily is something I am trying to kick now. Sometimes I'll go out with friends, have a couple drinks, be feeling great, and this anxious feeling will just hit me like a ton of bricks. Then I just shell up and can only think about getting back home. Time is the only cure, but being proactive during this time off will be so worth it on the day you wake up and realize you don't need him anymore. "In this world of uncertainty, ours should be a path of discipline" - Shiba Yoshimasa
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