Guy I'm seeing told me he takes medication for ADHD. Experience with this?

[Ruby Slippers]

So, I've been seeing this guy for a few months, and things have been pretty volatile during that time, with a lot of highs and lows. A while back, I told him I didn't see long-term potential with him, and we agreed to try a FWB arrangement. That was weird for both of us, so I then made the decision to give it a real shot.

 

Well, last night, after a kind of weird, disconnected evening and a small argument about it, he revealed to me that he began taking medication for ADHD this year, and he suspects this condition was a heavy contributor to him being fired from his previous job, before he was on the medication, and probably some of the problems we've had.

 

I will have to absorb this information and see what I think about it. In the meantime, I was wondering if anybody here has any experience being involved with someone taking medication for ADHD.

 

Thanks.

[Hot Carl]

I don't have any experience with medication for that particular condition. I have a hard time believing people like that aren't simply lacking discipline. But I'm sure there are plenty of convincing arguments in favor of it being a real, treatable condition. So who am I to judge.

 

The women I've dated who were on medication for emotional conditions, I look back and think they should have been taking a lot more and a lot stronger medication. I'd personally recommend you don't take things with him very seriously.

[baz123]

i was diagnosed myself with adult adhd, inattentive type, about a year ago. it hasn't been a factor in my relationships. as far as lazy/undisciplined, prior to taking the medication, i graduated with honors from college, scored in the 99th percentile in every standardized test, and generally did awesome in work and school, all before the diagnosis. i only agreed to medication when it interfered with my ability to do the small menial tasks that are a big part of every job/career/grad program. the medication, in my experience, gives me the ability to focus on the truly mundane things- keeping up with email, checking the mail, taking out the trash, and other assorted minutiae of life and work that, while tedious, are very, very important in how your presentation of yourself to other people. generally, depending on the medication, it lasts for 4-8 hours, so it may not even be in effect when you see him. mine wears off by the time the workday ends, so look at the details. good luck.

 

Hot carl, adhd medication is NOT a medication for an "emotional condition." It is a medication for a cognitive condition. Learn the difference. :-)

Edited December 21, 2009 by baz123
missed the other commenter's comment

[Hot Carl]

Hot carl, adhd medication is NOT a medication for an "emotional condition." It is a medication for a cognitive condition. Learn the difference. :-)

 

Well that's good to know, but I'm not that fascinated by the topic. I'm happy to chalk up my misuse of terms to semantics. Congratulations on overcoming your disability.

[Ruby Slippers]

i was diagnosed myself with adult adhd, inattentive type, about a year ago. it hasn't been a factor in my relationships.

Reading your post, for a minute I wondered if you weren't this guy. In fact, at first, I was convinced you were. Then I read your other thread. Assuming your other thread is legit, he's in the clear. It sounds like you two have a lot in common. He said he doesn't think he has the hyperactivity part, either.

 

as far as lazy/undisciplined, prior to taking the medication, i graduated with honors from college, scored in the 99th percentile in every standardized test, and generally did awesome in work and school, all before the diagnosis.

He was also a high performer, scored in the top 1% on standardized tests, got a master's degree, and kicked butt in his former career -- till he lost his job.

 

All along, he has struck me as a complex person. I am starting to think he has a pretty negative attitude. It's funny -- according to what he has told me, it sounds like he comes from a background of privilege, yet he finds a lot to complain about. I come from a background of near poverty and struggle, and I almost always find the silver lining and usually maintain a positive attitude.

 

I will keep getting to know him and see how things develop.

[Des]

I know a person who has the condition but has never taken any medication for it. They are always miserable, bored, and can hardly ever keep interest in anything for a reasonable amount of time, including any sort of relationship.

[Ruby Slippers]

They are always miserable, bored, and can hardly ever keep interest in anything for a reasonable amount of time, including any sort of relationship.

The sad thing is this kind of rings true. Miserable might be an overstatement, but yeah, he seems kind of determined to be discontent. Bored, I'm not sure yet. Relationships? He's 39, and his longest was a year and a half. So, he seems to fit the profile, based on what you said. Hrm.

[hoping2heal]

I don't have any experience with medication for that particular condition. I have a hard time believing people like that aren't simply lacking discipline. But I'm sure there are plenty of convincing arguments in favor of it being a real, treatable condition. So who am I to judge.

 

I think this disorder is one of the most misunderstood-misjudged out there. As another poster said, it's not an emotional condition, it is a cognitive impairment disorder. One large charachteristic of persons with ADD/ADHD is the lack of short term memory, it is extremely poor and that has nothing to do with "discipline". You told this girl not to take this guy seriously..why say "who am I to judge" in one sentence..and belittle persons with that disorder in the following two?

[Des]

The sad thing is this kind of rings true. Miserable might be an overstatement, but yeah, he seems kind of determined to be discontent. Bored, I'm not sure yet. Relationships? He's 39, and his longest was a year and a half. So, he seems to fit the profile, based on what you said. Hrm.

 

Yeah, that's sort of what I meant by miserable. He has a hard time appreciating anything. He's been with just about every "type" of girl imaginable, and at this point has pretty much given up on dating, as he claims he cannot stand the idea of committing to someone/starting a family. He can't hold a steady job either without quitting, claims he can't deal with the routine.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, that's sort of what I meant by miserable. He has a hard time appreciating anything.

Yes, same with him. We were just on the phone talking about our Christmas plans (both going out of town to visit family), and I was saying how excited I am and how much I'm looking forward to it, and he just laid out a long list of complaints and things he was dreading (screaming kids, rushing around, no relaxation). This kind of mentality can be a drag sometimes. But I am determined not to let his negative outlook put a damper on mine.

 

On the flip side, he generously offered to do one of my errands for me on his way over this evening, before I go out of town tomorrow, and pick up dinner. He's great with doing concrete things to help, and frequently offers and suggests things he can do to make life easier on me. And he will probably give me a killer backrub tonight, as he often does. He's insanely good at it -- better than most of the professionals I've visited.

 

This is definitely a good exercise for me in communication, maintaining healthy boundaries, and voicing my needs and desires.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think this disorder is one of the most misunderstood-misjudged out there... You told this girl not to take this guy seriously..why say "who am I to judge" in one sentence..and belittle persons with that disorder in the following two?

Yeah, I did not write him off because of this. The morning after he told me, he thanked me for being so nonjudgmental about it.

 

I might not ultimately choose to pursue a long-term relationship with him, but I still respect him enough to listen to where he's coming from and not judge him for who he is.

[Miko]

If someone is honestly taking steps to be better then I think it's worth giving them time and support but a lot of people just give up and let it wreck their lives. Try to help him realize that it IS still a problem, if it is, and let him know that if he wants to work through it, then fine, if not you can't deal with it forever. Most of the time ADD also occurs with other conditions too since it's a brain chemistry thing. Bipolar or depression is common which explains mood swings from week to week or month to month.

[bluewolf17]

BOTH my ex of forever, and my current BF have/had ADHD. Guess I attract it .

 

I beleive it only becomes a problem if the person chooses to not take care of themselves. They have to be pro-active, seek counseling, therapy, medication, etc. Whatever avenue they feel helps them best.

 

The only time it was a real issue was when the stopped addressing it. ADHD creeps up on you and ruins little things, bit by bit. Like pulling the thread out of a nice cashmere sweater.

[Crusoe]

I really don't know anything about the condition, all I know is that my right hand man at work has it. He has been with me for ten years, is a top man, fantastic worker and I trust him implicitly. He is married and a great dad. Sure, he can be moody sometimes but only when he feels restricted and he usually overcomes that by a manic blast down the gym.

 

I should also add that our work is physical with little routine, and before he came to me, he did have trouble holding down a job.

[Miko]

Also remember, about 1/3rd of EVERYBODY has 'something' like that, especially ADD is really common. Good luck finding somebody 'normal'. "What kind of crazy can you deal with?" is a reasonable question to ask yourself.

 

Some people have:

Anger issues

Social anxiety

Mood swings

Concentration problems

Voices in their heads

Obsessive tendencies

Compulsions

Depression

Unexplained 'euphoria'

Sexual issues

Traumatic past experiences

The shakes

The bends

The wobbles and everything else under the sun.

And some people are just BORING, but not those people LOL!

Edited December 22, 2009 by Miko

[Ruby Slippers]

I really don't know anything about the condition, all I know is that my right hand man at work has it. He has been with me for ten years, is a top man, fantastic worker and I trust him implicitly. He is married and a great dad. Sure, he can be moody sometimes but only when he feels restricted and he usually overcomes that by a manic blast down the gym.

 

I should also add that our work is physical with little routine, and before he came to me, he did have trouble holding down a job.

Very helpful post. Thanks.

 

My guy is management level, so he doesn't need to do physical labor for his job, but there is a lot of physical labor to be done in the department, and he volunteers to do it or help with it often, I think because he enjoys getting the exercise and doing something besides desk work. He says he does a little bit of everything and likes it that way. He also stretches daily, rides his bike miles and miles all over the city (even in winter!!), and sometimes runs. As a result, he is in incredible physical condition -- trim, cut, and flexible.

[Ruby Slippers]

If someone is honestly taking steps to be better then I think it's worth giving them time and support but a lot of people just give up and let it wreck their lives. Try to help him realize that it IS still a problem, if it is, and let him know that if he wants to work through it, then fine, if not you can't deal with it forever. Most of the time ADD also occurs with other conditions too since it's a brain chemistry thing. Bipolar or depression is common which explains mood swings from week to week or month to month.

Very good points, and I agree. He takes a weekly meditation class, is very physically active, has an excellent diet, keeps an active social life with many friends and acquaintances, helps out with his family, and pursues several different hobbies, so he definitely strikes me as a person committed to staying on top of his well-being.

 

We had some minor sexual issues earlier on (problems with him lasting, but things are way better now), and he told me he talked to his doctor about it to ask if the medication might be a factor. So, it seems to me he's being very proactive about everything, which I think is a promising sign, and really the best anyone can do.

[Ruby Slippers]

Great points, bluewolf. Thanks

 

Also remember, about 1/3rd of EVERYBODY has 'something' like that, especially ADD is really common. Good luck finding somebody 'normal'. "What kind of crazy can you deal with?" is a reasonable question to ask yourself.

 

Some people have:

Mood swings

Obsessive tendencies

Traumatic past experiences

Yes, and I have singled out the ones I have at least a touch of myself. I agree that everybody is "a little crazy" in one way or another. He identified me as having a touch of OCD, given my clean freak tendencies, and I cannot argue with that. And I have always been moody. Usually in a good mood, but I have my blah times. The question is: does your particular kind of crazy go with my crazy?

 

He talked to me about how it's particularly hard to see a therapist or get this kind of medication if you're a guy, because men are socialized to "be tough" and never ask for help. I told him I think it's admirable that he's taken action, rather than suffering in silence and not keeping his life in balance to the best of his ability.