b52s Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 ....already entering the dating pool. With my attendance with single events and gatherings this year....I noticed a common occurrence among women I meet.....they're all going THROUGH a divorce...kind of irritating once you start clicking with someone, and they have a month or 2 to go . I must've met 10 women like this, this year already. (I'm sure women meet men like this as well) They join a "singles" group, then when further getting to know them, they go, "Wellll....I'm not single...just yet, but going through a divorce right now" Do they even know this is the worst time to be dating? In proceedings are in place, and chances are the husband is stubborn and refusing to sign the divorce papers, and dealing with the possiblity of him stalking her all the time? Ever deal with this situation or bumped into people like this?? Ack!
norajane Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Yes, they're trying to make themselves feel better and soothe their egos by jumping into dating. And you're their distraction! Lucky you! They just radiate: stay away because I'm a big heaping pile of insecurity and trouble.
RedDevil66 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 People are terrified to be alone and terrified to feel pain so they want the next relationship in order to get over the last. A VERY unhealthy way to live, but it happens.
carhill Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I'm going through a divorce and haven't seen my stbx physically for almost six months and only have communicated through e-mail. We've filed and are going through the mandated cooling-off period. If a dating site gives me only the option of married or divorced, I choose divorced simply because the divorce is default/uncontested and there are no property issues to settle, just paperwork to do. If a woman sees my honesty about such as a red flag, no worries. Lots of other women out there
Author b52s Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 I'm going through a divorce and haven't seen my stbx physically for almost six months and only have communicated through e-mail. We've filed and are going through the mandated cooling-off period. If a dating site gives me only the option of married or divorced, I choose divorced simply because the divorce is default/uncontested and there are no property issues to settle, just paperwork to do. If a woman sees my honesty about such as a red flag, no worries. Lots of other women out there Yeah, and plenty single of women out there that are actually single.
betamanlet Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 ....already entering the dating pool. With my attendance with single events and gatherings this year....I noticed a common occurrence among women I meet.....they're all going THROUGH a divorce...kind of irritating once you start clicking with someone, and they have a month or 2 to go . I must've met 10 women like this, this year already. (I'm sure women meet men like this as well) They join a "singles" group, then when further getting to know them, they go, "Wellll....I'm not single...just yet, but going through a divorce right now" Do they even know this is the worst time to be dating? In proceedings are in place, and chances are the husband is stubborn and refusing to sign the divorce papers, and dealing with the possiblity of him stalking her all the time? Ever deal with this situation or bumped into people like this?? Ack! Most divorces are initiated by women, so these women basically determined that their relationships ended a long time ago.... They've already moved on.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Yeah it is totally annoying when people mislead like this. Men do it too, don't you worry. I specifically noted in my profile if you are separated or going through a divorce, move on I will not be interested and if you lie about it I will cut you off instantly when I do find out. The amount of peeved responses I got was laughable, ranging from: "so what do you expect us separated guys to do, not date?" My response: date all you want, just not me. "Why don't you just give me a chance, so I'm going though a divorce, but I am ready to meet a new woman to date and it is really unfair of you to write me off because of that" My response: "no what's unfair is that I bring minimal to no baggage into the relationship while you come with a truck load at this point in your life. It's your right to be selfish but I won't be a part of it, sorry." Then of course I got the even harsher responses, "who do you think you are?" type responses. "Oh no one special, just my own boss. That's all" LMAO It's a bad scene all around, if you can avoid people at this stage do so.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 If a woman sees my honesty about such as a red flag, no worries. Lots of other women out there No one is chastising you for being honest. Most single people don't want all the baggage involved that a person going through a divorce or who is separated brings into a relationship. That's the bottom line. Another separated individual will be a better match for you since you are both on equal emotional footing more than likely.
carhill Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 My perspective at this late date in life is to take each situation individually. A potentially compatible partner will see things similarly. I've personally experienced the situations of some single women in the last couple years (as a friend) which give me pause as a soon-to-be divorced man comparing his own 'stuff' to that which he has chosen to listen to and support. FWIW, I was the 'emotional' one in our M and was the one who 'checked out', a good three years ago now. Perhaps uncommon, but indicative of the YMMV and each situation being different. IME, in my age group, 'separated' women are dating as soon as they make the separation official. I wouldn't be surprised if my stbx has been through a number of guys already (I have no idea nor care). It's just the way it is. When I was single, and I was for many, many years, my experiences mirrored that of the OP. Status was 'situational'. Of course, things were more black and white in my mind back then and I would never have dated, meaning having a fully intimate, sexual experience with, a separated woman, as she was still married in my mind and off-limits. I don't expect to date before my divorce is final through the courts, but I will certainly meet and great ladies whom interest me. Life is short.
norajane Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I wouldn't be surprised if my stbx has been through a number of guys already (I have no idea nor care). It's just the way it is. Yep, and that's what newly separated and not-yet-divorced, and even newly divorced people do. They haven't dated in a while so it's a big candy store they get to play in now! Whoopee for them; they want to taste everything and buy nothing. Less great for those of us actually hoping to find a partner.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Yep, and that's what newly separated and not-yet-divorced, and even newly divorced people do. They haven't dated in a while so it's a big candy store they get to play in now! Whoopee for them; they want to taste everything and buy nothing. Less great for those of us actually hoping to find a partner. Exactly! See it's even happening here, there is always some calm and very rational explanation as to why people with no baggage should give newly separated people a chance and the benefit of the doubt. The way I operate when I get out of a long term relationship is I will not date until I am emotionally on some footing that I can actually bring something of value to the table. Most separated people are just looking to boost their ego, they are looking to gain some balanced ground, and they are looking more than anything to have some fun to build their self esteem up. It's not fair to expect me to want to be that person for someone when I don't have a jealous ex who is still clinging on, or the trials of having to divide up the assets and battle through the settlements, or the added pressure of children, and most importanlty the emotional uncertainty that happens when you finally break from your past. No matter how you slice it you are still going through emotional healing no matter how you want to play it. Even if you are were the one who checked out etc. You are still having readjust to being you again and not the pair of you. You still have regular dealings with your ex and one way or another you have not fully cut your past off. I bring none of that negativity into a relationship, why should I settle for that from a potential mate? My own boyfriend who is divorced, he has been for 3 yrs now and had a 1yr relationship before me, did not even want to date women who were recently divorced and with kids. His standards were high in this respect because he knew what that entails having gone through it himself. But a lot of guys will try any trick in the book to convince you they are a great catch at this point, and the reality is that they are SO NOT.
carhill Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 No worries. I need to meet people who see through different eyes. Any of the respondents here 50 or over?
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Relationships can end faaaaaaaar before the state says they do. I say it's better to judge the individual circumstance rather than just writing them off. BUT. I do understand where you're coming from with the frustration on the single's scene. I blocked married/separated from contacting me when I was on dating sites. I didn't want to deal with it. The current guy I'm seeing is separated - has been for 9 months, intent to file in January. They see each other because they have kids - but there's zero feeling there. In his case, however, he was not seeking out a relationship with me - nor was I with him. **** happens. If I had discarded him because he was still legally attached, I would have missed out on somebody pretty damn incredible.
thatguy85 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 We all have baggage of some sort, and we are all ****ed up for one reason or another. No one is forced into getting involved with a seperated person.. That's all preference. At the same time, people's rights to fulfillment and happiness shouldn't be limited by their past heartbreaks.
sally4sara Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 It took me 6 years to get my divorce. To hell with waiting for finalized papers!
carhill Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 In fact, someone could easily establish a boundary of a year, two years, whatever past the date on that nice little blue seal of the court (here in Cali) proving the divorce is settled officially. Some property and child custody issues could go on for years, even decades, but the couple would be legally divorced, as evidenced by the document. This is something often suggested to OM/OW's when going NC with a MW/MM. Remember to request a copy of the document. People lie, and as inevitably as human nature exists, those who are honest always seem to pay the price.
flc Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I'm 52 and have been divorced about two years now. I started dating 3 mos after I divorced and had no issues from anyone with my status. But then as carhill says at our age a large part of the pool have been though divorces. Each person is different in my case I have custodial custody of my two kids and this fact actually was in my favor as the women I dated found this attractive and again at my age both parties probably have kids of varying ages. Everyone should follow their preferences but as long as both sides are honest about their status I think it is up to the individual to decide when they are ready to start dating.
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