Dutchyankee112 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Hello, I am having a serious problem atm and i need some advice on how i can convince my girlfriend she's good for me. My girlfriend and i first met online about 18 months ago and she used a picture on her MSN that looked alot like her, but was infact a different girl. We have moved our relationship to real life since a year. She said it was an old picture and since it looked very similiar to her recent pictures and how she looked in real life, i believed her. Last night my friend found out the picture was infact NOT my girlfriend. I confronted her with it and she admitted she didnt want to confess because she absolutely hates lying and was terrified id dump her for it. I was upset of course, but i stayed calm, i let her do her story and i forgave her. In the grand scheme of things i didnt find it something worth throwing an otherwise very beneficial relationship away for. She didnt mean to upset me or hurt me, she just made a mistake because she was insecure about her looks and then felt "trapped" in the lie and hoped it would just blow over. It was wrong of her, and she should feel guilty of course and she really does. But i now believe she is getting overly dramatic. She said she can no longer be in a relationship with me and wants to continue as friends for the time being. She is keeping herself "reserved" and wont date or get intimate other people. She feels she hurts me and couples should not hurt eachother, ever. I think it is possible for people to make mistakes and hurt someone they love by accident. I once lied to her and we survived that business, so i just want to move on together with her. She feels she is not good for me and is better able to prevent me from getting hurt and make me happy if she is just a good friend to me.....i do not want that and im not even sure if i want to stay in contact with her if this break becomes permanent. It would hurt. She is very careful of my feelings and i never felt as good taken care of as in the past year we have had a real life relationship. If this break becomes permanent it will hurt way more then just that stupid little lie! How can i best handle the situation to show her i am better off WITH her, insted of being friends or no contact at all? She's one stubborn girl. Do i keep distance from her and become grumpy? Show her the break is causing me to become unhappy? Do i smile through the pain and show her she is making me happy even as friends and not hurting me? Do i ......?
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 it seems 'off' that she would want a break because of a lie she told. i think there is something more to that...that you may not be aware of. i would let it cool off, let HER contact you next and go from there. whatever you do, become moderately unavailable and 'hard to get'. do NOT become desperate and clingy. is this a real life relationship or strictly online btw? if its real life, couldnt you tell the pic wasnt her when you first met? and if not, who cares, you are with her for her...not a stupid pic. Unless the relationship is strictly online, then I can understand...
Author Dutchyankee112 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 it seems 'off' that she would want a break because of a lie she told. i think there is something more to that...that you may not be aware of. i would let it cool off, let HER contact you next and go from there. whatever you do, become moderately unavailable and 'hard to get'. do NOT become desperate and clingy. is this a real life relationship or strictly online btw? if its real life, couldnt you tell the pic wasnt her when you first met? and if not, who cares, you are with her for her...not a stupid pic. Unless the relationship is strictly online, then I can understand... Formerly online, has been a real life relationship for quite some time. I did once comment on how she looked a bit different in the old picture, but tbh she looked alot the same as the girl in the picture. The girl in the picture just looked a little younger, thinner and bit more tanned. The hairstyle/colour and eyes/face looked earily the same.
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Formerly online, has been a real life relationship for quite some time. I did once comment on how she looked a bit different in the old picture, but tbh she looked alot the same as the girl in the picture. The girl in the picture just looked a little younger, thinner and bit more tanned. The hairstyle/colour and eyes/face looked earily the same. gotcha.....i would back off and let her come to you.
norajane Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Sorry, but this is stupid and makes no sense. She knew about her picture this whole time and was okay with the deception, and didn't think that made her bad for you. It's only now that you found out that she suddenly thinks she's bad for you? I feel like there must be more to this. She is very careful of my feelings and i never felt as good taken care of as in the past year we have had a real life relationship. If this break becomes permanent it will hurt way more then just that stupid little lie! Did you tell her this? What did she say? If she insists on a "break" and friendship, just break up with her. Either there's more to this "break" that you don't know about, or she's insane. Either way, it won't work. You're better moving on, because you won't be able to fix the crazy.
boogieboy Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Im quite the cinic, but unless theres specific details youre leaving out that have to do with how she feels, this sounds like a lie to cover up that she just wants out of the relationship. It doesnt sound right at all. For some reason she doesnt look at you the same way anymore, somehow you turned her off and she wants out. Jumping ship for a lie that has been insignificant since you met her in person, is a lame excuse. Either that or she is a little off. I assume it isnt the latter since you havent implied any mental instability. She says couples shouldnt hurt each other, but shes doing the most hurt by breaking it off...I cant believe she fed you that. She has probably already found another guy she feels is a better fit for her, and is trying to let you down without hurting her - ironically with another lie. You might not believe that, but its all too common around here , adn your story isnt unique. Many women dont jump out of a relationship without someone new to carry on with. (unless they are abused) Like steve said, stop contacting her immediately, dont answer when she calls, be unavailable, let her miss you. She most likely wont change her mind, but staying clear of her is the way to go. Dont go the friends route, she wants to do that to wean herself off of you. It will hurt her if she cant be in contact with you. Make sure its 100% of you or none at all. She doesnt deserve friendship from you for lying.
whysohard Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 it sounds like she's moved on and is looking for any kind of excuses to terminate the relationship. if you think this is a problem wait till u get married...
Author Dutchyankee112 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 She always reacts very heavily to lies. Her mom lied to everyone and everything and abused her. She associates lies with the worst thing you can do to someone. So, she now feels she is going to be bad for me, lying and hurting me and that i only deserve the best. Which she believes isnt her. She is guilt ridden and very upset about it all. She's overreacting, she can be like that i know. Im trying to minimize contact and when she does contact me, she approaches me in chats etc but im being distant but not trying to be angry or grumpy at her. It is obvious to her i am sad, and a friend of hers who knows about the situation is at this moment telling her she is being silly for breaking up to "protect me", because of a silly mistake.
whysohard Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 tread carefully with this one my friend, dont get your heart broken, i dont know how old she is but they are usually very confused when they are young. good luck
norajane Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 She always reacts very heavily to lies. Her mom lied to everyone and everything and abused her. She associates lies with the worst thing you can do to someone. So, she now feels she is going to be bad for me, lying and hurting me and that i only deserve the best. Which she believes isnt her. She is guilt ridden and very upset about it all. See, this would make sense as a reason why she would NOT lie in the first place. But she DID lie, and she's been lying this WHOLE TIME that she's known you. And it didn't bother her the whole time she's known that she lied. So why is it that it's bothering her NOW when it didn't bother her for 18 months? It's not the lying she feels bad about. It's the GETTING CAUGHT that she feels bad about. If she really felt bad about lying, she would have told you she lied right away. Or certainly when you commented about the picture
boogieboy Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Im trying to minimize contact and when she does contact me, she approaches me in chats etc but im being distant but not trying to be angry or grumpy at her. Take her name off your chat list so she cant see you. Dont talk to her or she will be able to get over you. Dont let her get the full closure she wants.
WTRanger Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 The people that often have to get up and pontificate about how they are not liars and hate lies, are often the biggest liars you'll ever meet. They are just verbally trying to convince themselves of something they know they are not. If she was so against lies in the first place, why put a false picture of yourself up? That is a total lie! It sounds like she is tying to go for sainthood saying that she feels so bad, she hates lies, she can't look at herself, etc. When in reality all she is doing is setting herself up for a guilt-free exit to this relationship, or at least a guilt she can easily run away from and act as if it never existed.
Author Dutchyankee112 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 She said she felt very embarrassed and guilty. And wants to be "friends with benefits" while she sorts out if our relationship can still work. After talking to her about it, she seems very worried about us hurting each other. Specifically her hurting me. The thing is, in 18 months time she has done perhaps 3 things that "hurt" me in any degree. And only minor things that i dont care about anymore 24 hours later after we talked it out. 1. She once gave a guy a quick kiss while she was completely drunk and a friend of hers dared her to do it. She told me about it, i got angry, she felt guilty, i forgave her, we moved on. 2. Earlier this year she needed about a week of "alone time" to cope with me confessing a lie to her. She felt guilty about reacting the way she did and leaving me in limbo for a week. 3. She lied about a girl in the picture being her. Tonight we spent a few hours talking and she kept telling me she loves me and she held me tightly. We got tipsy, and she suggested having rough sex so i could let out any anger and frustration, and we had rough sex in which i was dominating her. (She likes being dominated in bed) When i confronted her about the lie i was very calm and maybe didnt seem angry enough. At the moment "make up sex" seemed like a good idea, maybe if i "punished" her a little, and then told her i forgave her she might stop punishing herself. But her behaviour right afterwards suprised me, she said she was fine, just very tired and had to get up very early. I have no idea whether i made a mistake or made the right move.
Author Dutchyankee112 Posted December 23, 2009 Author Posted December 23, 2009 Hey, little update. Well the current situation is that we officially broke up and decided to stay friends and give her time and space so she can sort out her guilt for hurting me and her fear of hurting me again in the future. She said she still loves me extremely much and that she doesnt want anyone but me. So relationship wise she is going to stay single and respectfully decline all offers for dates or sex. She doesnt know when or if she will be able to have a relationship with me again, yet she really hopes she will be able to once she has straightened herself out. Lying is a huge deal for her, and she admitted that she was kinda in denial about it till i found out. Now she is afraid she hurt me by lying and that we will keep doing or saying things in the future that will hurt the other. I personally believe there is a good chance she will stop being silly sooner or later and decide to restart out relationship. Of course, there is also the possibility she will never trust herself to being in a relationship with me again. Currently she is avoiding contact with everyone and mostly spending time alone and working on herself. I forgot to mention that she has been in a depression and every now and then she feels miserable. This situation could have triggered her depression again i guess. So, what is the best way to help her get back on track and restart our relationship? (And YES, i do want her back, dispite her flaws she is absolutely massively fun to be with and she takes extremely good care of me. I am willing to invest time/effort into making a long time relationship work.)
Author Dutchyankee112 Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 (edited) Another update, She's back in contact already, quicker then expected. She seemed alot happier and able to laugh again. But every interaction we had was purely "100% friend only". She once again told me she wasnt going to get near other guys and she seemed to keep the possibility of a future restart open if she changes her mind about being worried we'd hurt each other in the future. The way she talked about what happened showed she made a tiny bit of progress in the acceptance phase. Later on the evening she got drunk and asked if we could have "sex without attachements". I hesitated for a time and eventually told her i could not do that, because i am already struggling to see her as just a friend while 48 hours ago she was the woman i was going to marry and raise a family with in a year or two. I had a little alcohol inspired emotional moment in which i blurted out how hard it was to cope with the change but recovered and said i was going to be fine and just had an 'after-shock'. She said she understood and that it was fine and that i was doing great looking after her and being a friend. After that i went home and got to writing this post. Now that im 'interacting' with her again im not sure how i can best behave in order to achieve my goals of: 1: Helping her cope with lying and making her happy 2: Helping take away her concerns regarding hurting/being hurt in a possible restarted relationship. Edited December 24, 2009 by Dutchyankee112
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