WHY 6 years after EMA ended...

[SadGreenEyes]

...did MM contact me again??

Out of nowhere!

To make a long story really short - I had an EMA with MM while I was still married (my marriage has since ended..MM's did not).

We were good friends for 18 years before EMA started...and it wasnt intended, it just happened.

Anyway, I ended EMA almost 6 years ago. About a year after I ended up in a long term relationship that lasted just short of 5 years. It was a bad relationship, very abusive.

In the last 5+ years I have not heard a word from MM. I had attempted here and there over the years to contact him only to find out he had his cell number changed.

I lived my life and survived...all without MM! I lost everything after the EMA - my husband, child, house, security, everything. Life hasnt been easy and I swear my punishment for the affair was the 5 years of verbal emotional and mental abuse from my ex boyfriend.

Anyway - about a month or so ago MM called me - different cell humber (I didnt pick up). He didnt leave a message but I called the number back out of curiosity - low and behold I heard MM's voice on the message.

I felt like I saw a ghost! My heart sunk. Got knots in my stomach immediately!

I left a message saying I was sorry I missed his call and wondered why after all these years he called...

He called me back - we spoke for 10 minutes..I asked him what on Earth possessed him to call me after so many years - he said he thinks of calling me every day and didnt because he knew had we spoken, we would see each other and it would be all over again.

We ended up meeting for a few drinks about a week later. It was amazing seeing him again and he was right - the second we caught eyes it was all over...again. We kissed, confessed our undying love, he gave me another song, blah blah blah...

Now I hear from him, usually during the week via text message.

 

Im just so freaking curious as to WHY he called me after so long? My life (which is far from perfect) has been moving right along, rolling with the punches - I have been surviving prefectly fine without MM.

Now since all this happened I find Im more antsy - looking at my cell, wondering when he'll text and I hate myself for it!

I dont want to go through all that again as it was so hard the first go round.

This guy was a good friend of mine for 18 years...then he became the absolute love of my life, and I know I am his. He married because he got W pregnant, otherwise it wouldnt have lasted.

We always pined for each other over the years but nothing ever came of it...but one thing I know is that MM absolutely adores me, I can see it, I know him forever and I feel it.

He said his marriage was never good (they fight all the time and she is an alcoholic.)

When EMA ended I made his W aware of what happened...my H found out long before his W did, and my H was oddly enough very understanding and didnt question the love I had with MM.

My closest friends who know the both of us swear he wants to do it right this time and will leave, but is being very cautious.

Who knows? All I know is this stirred up some old dirt...

We havent seen each other since last month and Im certain judging by the things he says via text we will see each other eventually...boy do I have a ton of questions for him!!!

Any opinions welcomed - Im at a loss

Thanks

SGE

[whichwayisup]

In the last 5+ years I have not heard a word from MM. I had attempted here and there over the years to contact him only to find out he had his cell number changed.

Yet as soon as he calls you, instead of NOT leaving a message and moving on again, you leave a message and he calls you back. You opened the door.. Being curious is one thing, but you MUST have known leaving a message would make you do a 180 inside.

 

I think he's fishing to start the A again. Question is, are you going to let him in, knowing he's STILL married? And he has a child..

 

It's YOUR choice and you say before the A wasn't intended, it just happened..Sorry, A's don't just "happen", they are a conscious choice.. Just like now - If you choose to go down this path (again) then keep in mind you have NOONE to blame but yourself when you get hurt (again) and he can't leave his wife and kid. Sorry to be harsh, but you did move on, life was good, and boom! Now you're back to where you once were..Hurting, anxioux, waiting..waiting..waiting.. Get used to waiting and being with him on HIS time frame.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

My god, you have really learned a lot.

[Boundary Problem]

I doubt he'll leave.

 

Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.

 

 

So you want to climb back on the same treadmill?

 

 

If your relationship with him is as strong as you suggest, and he thinks of you daily, and she's an alcoholic, why don't you tell him to contact you after he files for divorce and moves out?

 

ie rather than listening to his words, why not wait for him to take concrete action to disentangle himself from his bad marriage.

[Angel1111]

He contacted you again so that he could start up the affair again. I hate to tell you but that wasn't a compliment. A compliment would be him leaving his marriage and then seeking you out. He's got you waiting on him to give you answers. You're on his timeline, at his beck and call. Good luck with that.

[carhill]

Well, OP, it seems like everything is in order, except for him still being married.

 

A thought I had recently, reflecting upon a connection which has spanned 25 years and marriage, divorce, relationships, etc., is, if it was truly meant to be, it would've happened. All the coulda, woulda, shoulda's are fine, but the most definitive action is the one not taken.

 

A compliment would be him leaving his marriage and then seeking you out.

 

This

 

Here's a key, and a fear. When he leaves his marriage voluntarily, by seeking divorce from his wife, he loses power. That sounds wrong, but it's not. Right now, being MM gives him power over you; power to make a choice between you and his M. Even if he leaves his M because of its lack of health, which I see as a positive thing, in his mind he loses a choice. I've felt that fear. It's real.

 

IMO, there's no such thing as divorcing 'right'. There's amicable and contested. That's it. There are no winners, only levels of losing. Are you enough to balance out his fear of loss of his perception of the value of marriage and its attendant social and monetary status? Unknown. His fear of loss of power with you? Unknown.

 

As for 'why', he contacted you, that's easy. Cheers effect. Men love the familiar. Why do you think he's stayed in a 'bad' M all these years? At a particularly difficult moment, he reached for a familiar branch, you. Everything apparently has fallen into place.

 

I think, personally, a reasonable request would be for him to contact you in earnest when his divorce is completed, if he's still interested in you. The risk is you'll never hear from him again. I'd take that risk

[SadGreenEyes]

I appreciate everybody's feedback!

I am extremely hesitant, and truth be told, my nerves are already shot and I only saw him once for a few hours last month.

I noticed that through the years I have built a "wall de resistance" towards him - I noticed it that night I saw him...must be my smart subconscious and not my stupid heart....thank goodness!

I dont want to start another A with MM...I agree with you all...if it was meant to be, then 6 years ago when it all ended he would have seeked out that divorce he always said was "inevitable".

ATNA = All talk, no action.

...whatever.

This will be hard for me, I wont kid you. I love the way he makes me feel...and especially since I just got out of a 5 year abusive long term I hope I have the strength to say no...

...why is he doing this to me?? How can someone toy with another persons emotions and heart?

Damn, 2 months ago I was fine, used to carrying on with every day life with fleeting thoughts of MM every day...enough to make me smile, but then I just left it there.

SGE aka Vulnerable

[Angel1111]

You mean, you love the way he makes you feel....sometimes. But most of the time, he makes you feel like crap. In a way, an affair is just another form of abuse. It's torture. Stay away from it. You haven't developed any resistance to him if this is still hard and if you've slept with him. He'll just tear up your heart again. Don't answer when he calls again. And stop wasting your time asking why other people do the things they do. As my ex used to say, 'just because they walk like you, and talk like you, doesn't mean they think like you.' Accept that people simply do not think like you, they don't reason things out the same way that you do, and he isn't acting based on the things you think he is acting on. Stop asking why and just stay away from him. It's the kindest thing you can do to yourself.

[SadGreenEyes]

Angel1111 -

Thanks for your sound advice, I appreciate it.

Just wanted to say I am very familiar with the 11:11 signs ( I like your screen name).

I believe they are signs and am in tune with it. I noticed for about a month or so before MM called me I started seeing 11:11 all the time...made me think, what's going on? What's going to happen?....then MM calls.

Yikes!

SGE

[NoIDidn't]

Maybe this is your chance to change YOUR cell/home number? I don't know.

 

I haven't had an affair before, but I was the OW in a relationship before.

 

I got married and this guy called me every couple of years like clockwork. I moved to another state, and of course got a new number that he didn't have, but he still managed to find me.

 

I moved within my new state a couple of times too, and he still managed to contact me.

 

And it was always the same. I love you. I wish I'd chosen you. I still love you. Can we be together someday?!

 

Its all a bunch of bull.

 

But it all stopped when I changed my number four years ago. Before doing so, I told him to take a hike. Then I changed my number. And while I know that he has access to get it, he won't call because he knows that I don't feel flattered anymore by his calling out of the blue.

 

There was a reason you ended the affair. And having lost all already, you already know that he isn't even worth whatever it is that he is offering you.

[Brightmoon]

..... if it was truly meant to be, it would've happened. All the coulda, woulda, shoulda's are fine, but the most definitive action is the one not taken.

 

Thanks for this Carhill.

 

It helps me a lot.

[Angel1111]

Just wanted to say I am very familiar with the 11:11 signs ( I like your screen name). I believe they are signs and am in tune with it. I noticed for about a month or so before MM called me I started seeing 11:11 all the time...made me think, what's going on? What's going to happen?....then MM calls.

Yikes!

SGE

 

That is the significance behind my screen name. I started seeing 11:11 about 2 yrs ago quite a bit - so much so that it got my attention. And I still see it. When I'm with my sister, I always point it out to her and she laughs at how often it happens. I had never heard anything about this phenomenon, and I still have no idea what it means. My sister says that it means that I'm having a spiritual awkening, and that it's somehow tied to 2012. If you look it up on google, there are some sites about it. Still makes no sense to me. I also see 1:11 and 12:34 a lot. A friend of mine says that it's Life telling me to get my ducks in a row. ha ha. I hope it means that I'm going to win $111,000,000 in the lottery! What are your thoughts on it?

Edited December 21, 2009 by Angel1111

[SadGreenEyes]

My ex boyfriend made me aware of it - he saw it all the time.

I didnt really pay it any attention until I started seeing it whenever I looked at the clock.

Upon doing some research I believe it is indeed some sort of "wake up call" from a higher level...if that makes any sense.

What bugged me out was exactly how much I saw it just before XMM contacted me after so many years....I feel like "someone" up there is giving me a heads up as to something potentially life changing is about to happen.

I still see it, every single day - so what it menas...your guess is as good as mine....but I believe it to be significant.

SGE