stupidgrl Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 My sister is sick. Her kidneys are going to fail. I feel incredibly guilty for not wanting to donate one of mine to her. There is one other sibling and a parent that are potential donors as well. I have two young children. I am scared. I know my sick sister is too obviously. I feel horrible. I don't know what to do. My family is just sitting around waiting for her kidneys to fail. Nobody is talking about what to do when it happens. I feel like we should prepare. Agree on who will test for her or something. I don't know. Blurg.
Ronni_W Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Hugs, sGrl. That is one difficult decision to be facing. I'm just gonna throw out my own thoughts -- please ignore whatever does not sit comfortably with you. I think you are correct to focus first on your own family. To me, definitely your first and most important obligation is to yourself in terms of making sure that you are in the best physical, mental, emotional, financial and spiritual condition to be able to do the most effective job that you can do as a parent of two young kids; as well as to your husband/partner (assuming there is one.) In life, and as an adult, you're also not obligated to do anything that you really do not want to do. It's not about your sister's needs but your own. You are responsible for taking care of your own, and you deserve to feel free to do that...in ways that work for you. From a 'Bigger Picture' perspective, your sister is on her own human-spiritual path. How her medical condition fits into that cannot be determined, but I would suggest that it is okay to leave it with her and her Creator (instead of taking on any responsibility for her outcomes.) IMO, it does not make you a "bad" or "selfish" person to decide upon your own priorities and take care of your own children's/family's needs. It makes you an adult making tough choices, is all it really does. I would say, if you can at all, give yourself permission to not feel guilty about not being able to do and be all things for all your loved ones. If you continue to feel stuck in negative self-judgment/criticism, perhaps individual or pastoral counseling might be able to help you set you free from those types of thoughts? My very best to you, and wishing positive outcomes for your sister.
doushenka Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 You're not at all selfish. You've got a family of your own, and they will need you. I've always held that those without others to look after ought to volunteer their spare organs first. It's a matter of consequences: how many stand to be hurt if things go horribly wrong? In an unmarried sibling's case, far fewer than in yours.
bentnotbroken Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Is your sibling on the transplant list? It seems normal to me to be hurt, confused, fearful and guilty. You aren't a bad person, just a human.
dazzle22 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Well, this is one of those weird situations created by modern medicine that no other generation could have even fathomed! I am a doctor and I think it is one thing to use a donor kidney from someone who has died, but now families are feeling pressured to not give up their own organs. That is bizarre if you think about it. One thing is that if her kidneys fail there is dialysis, and she can go on a waiting list for a donor kidney. That should be an option here? This is just me, but I personally wouldn't do it. There has got to be a limit on what family can expect of you. Now we have to rip organs out of our bodies to show we still care? Tooo much to ask IMHO. That is just me, I am sure there are Mother Teresas here who will oppose this...
Peaceful Guy Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 My sister is sick. Her kidneys are going to fail. I feel incredibly guilty for not wanting to donate one of mine to her. There is one other sibling and a parent that are potential donors as well. I have two young children. I am scared. I know my sick sister is too obviously. I feel horrible. I don't know what to do. My family is just sitting around waiting for her kidneys to fail. Nobody is talking about what to do when it happens. I feel like we should prepare. Agree on who will test for her or something. I don't know. Blurg. i say go for it. i mean, if you want to, but you're scared, go for it. its okay.. its okay to be scared.. its okay to do it anyway. and its also okay to die, especially doing something that you believe in.
harmfulsweetz Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 That's a toughie. It really is, I'm sorry you have to face it. I'm just going to throw it out there-only an idea-I'm not saying you should do it, it's entirely your choice and your family should come first. I agree 100% with the other posters. However, you have to look at the flipside to this-what if worst came to worst? Could you face losing your sister knowing you could help? Could you face what the guilt would then do to you? It's not your responsibility, but naturally, we are programmed to care about such things and often, we feel guilty for things not necessarily within our control. I'm going to answer in what I would do, I would get tested. If I still had my reservations about actually donating, then I would voice my concerns. You do have to put your family and your own health first, but you also have to consider the possibility of losing your sister in the process of doing so. If I could help my brother, I would. But that is just me, it has to be your choice. But there's no harm in getting tested is there? The reason I would is because I couldn't live with myself any other way. It's not about doing the 'saint thing' its about doing something to prevent something bad happening. But it is up to you. Voice your concerns, it may be a hard pill to swallow but it's your decision, and you have to make the right one for you.
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