Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Okay here's my story: Met T in summer of 2007. Instant connection. Felt like we knew each other for a long time. Had a great time together. We broke up in October in 2007, he cited he needed space, etc. I get him out of my mind/heart/head, etc. He resurfaces in January of 2008 and we decide to take it slow and this time around it was even better. Until July of 2008 when he cheats on me. Worst thing ever since I was in love with him despite everything. Well, in November of 2008 he apologizes to me and such and we try being "friends," which of course turns into friends with benefits, etc. Hard to even being in the same room without reaching out for each other and having sex. We continue to do this on and off for most of 2009. Now, I know this was weakness on my part. I am responsible for giving into my lust and such and me going back to this situation again and again is also my fault as well. My problem is that I never stopped having feelings for him. He was the first person I had been in love with and he cited that he never stopped having feelings for me. Another thing, though, is that I know I had low self esteem because I kept going back to him although he never gave me what I wanted/needed emotionally. I finally decided I deserve better. So I saw him a few weeks ago and refused him when he wanted to be intimate with me. He got upset with me because I wasn't being affectionate with him and said I was being fake and clinical around him. He said that he didn't understand why and I said it was self preservation purposes because it was hard to be with him and know I would never "be" with him. He was also telling me about a girl he had been "dating" who "annoyed him" and such. He then tells me that he wasn't interested in committing to anyone until he really knew them. Then, the next day, I find out he's in a relationship with this girl. The next day! I was SO glad we didn't hook up. But on sheer principle I was upset because it made me feel used and made me feel the feelings I had when he cheated on me. I know I am part to blame for this situation and am proud of the strides I've made. However, my issue is that I feel upset about the situation and can't figure out why. He contacted me after he was in this relationship and I told him to never text/call me again. I don't know why I care and I want to move on. I know I deserve better. Please be gentle when giving advice.
Boundary Problem Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Sounds like the first guy I ever dated. How do these guys have relationships and full FWB on the side, without communicating that? At their core they are dishonest and weak people.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 I don't know. I just don't want to be the "other woman," you know. I should have known better.
boogieboy Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 You dont need advise, you got everything in order. You put your foot down and broke the addiction to him. Youre only upset because you let it go this long without getting what you want, and not seeing it sooner. Its ok, next time you will know.
Boundary Problem Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Some of us have trust in other people, until they break that trust. I wasn't raised to look for that level of dishonesty in people, and so to this day, I still take people at face value. So hopefully you and I learn from our mistakes.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Thanks you guys. I just haven't really asserted myself like that. And you're right, I am upset because I should have seen it sooner. Or rather I did see it and went ahead against my head anyway.
Boundary Problem Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I hear you. At a point the "exciting" ex soon becomes the "disgusting" ex when they try to hump anything in a skirt within a 1 mile radius. Even I, with my rose-coloured glasses, started seeing my first boyfriend for what he was after a while. what is charming, is that they think it makes them studs. Meanwhile the real men who support their families and are good decent guys dutifully report back to their girlfriends what the 'stud' was doing at the bar, and that made its way back to me. When I was hearing it from all sources all over town - the writing was on the wall. That is when they like to do the disappearing act. As if the problem will be gone when they resurface. It is a dance they have danced many times, and frankly I don't think they know the steps to any other dance. I have had to learn the dance, so I know how to avoid them when I see them coming.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 The problem with him is that he TOLD me about this girl and how much he couldn't stand her and then I see that he's with her the next day. That's the part that hurt me the most. I think you're right about the fact they've danced the dance many times so when it really comes down to it they won't change anyway. At least that's what I think.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 .....and I don't know why, although I try not to be upset about the situation, I really feel like I'm revisiting the situation all other again. I hate this. He's evidently happy with his new girlfriend and it makes me sick. I need to get out of this funk.
Boundary Problem Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Oh - he's not happy with his new girlfriend. They are never happy. They always have one eye on the door to see who walks in next. My first boyfriend went on to marry the most beautiful accomplished woman. He cheated on her. She dumped him. Remarried to a woman who loves him and who "accidentally" got pregnant. He's miserable, married AND in the bars still trying to pick up women. He has become the joke of the entire district where I used to live. If I see him, I honestly pretend I don't know him. Again....my dad was right on that one. I hate it when my dad is always right... I guarantee you in a couple months you will be over him. He cannot outgrow his behaviours. But you will be happy if you choose to be. And start feeling sorry for his new girlfriend....you know how it is going to end........lucky her!
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 You think so? After he cheated on me he got with someone else and they broke up because she cheated on him. He's not the type to go to the bars and such, however, it's interesting because from his speaking of her he said she was annoying and clingy but she had "calmed down" so to speak. He then said the next day after I had seen him that he had decided to give it a shot. Sounds like they both have broken wing syndrome. My problem was I never really got over him although I knew I deserved better. WTF is wrong with me??
Boundary Problem Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 You think so? After he cheated on me he got with someone else and they broke up because she cheated on him. He's not the type to go to the bars and such, however, it's interesting because from his speaking of her he said she was annoying and clingy but she had "calmed down" so to speak. He then said the next day after I had seen him that he had decided to give it a shot. Sounds like they both have broken wing syndrome. My problem was I never really got over him although I knew I deserved better. WTF is wrong with me?? Forget him, forget her. And answer this one question: How is he currently meeting your needs? Does he truly listen when you talk? Does he make an effort to encourage you to pursue hobbies, interests, goals etc that would be truly beneficial for you? Does he try to explain to you why certain guys are good for you and other guys would be bad for you? Does he honestly seem to care about your welfare/future/happiness? In other words, spin the discussion in your mind back to you and your needs and see if he fits with them. If you are anything like me, we tend to obsess about helping the people we love - and we forget to see if they love us back.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 No he didn't/doesn't meet my needs as a romantic interest. As a friend he did. But my thing was I lied to myself thinking we could just be friends. He had seemed slightly jealous and mad that I had been with other people since him. He said he loved me and cared but the fact is that he got mad when I wouldn't be affectionate with him and when he left he was upset. Then he gets into a relationship the next day?? He has the right but still you're right I am obsessing on it. I just want to forget him.
Boundary Problem Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 You will be fine. Every time you interact with him, ask yourself: Is this meeting my needs? And actually run that filter with any guy you date. You will then eliminate so many......and can focus on those that are high-quality, and they will greatly enrich your life.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 I told him I don't want him to text me/call me/contact me ever again. After I found out he was with someone after trying to get me the night before I told him that there was no way I could be in contact him. He said, "Oh I hope we can talk." I told him no way. Thank you for your thoughts.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 You know I really appreciate these insights, helps me feel a lot better:)
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Does anyone else have some insight on this matter as well, a man perhaps? Thanks so much.
Recommended Posts