When do you know it's time to leave?

[bestplayer]

In my case, there are two factors. One, I really don't need or want the same things in a relationship that I did back when I got married (over 16 years ago). At the time I really needed a lot of grounding (I was going through a tough time, emotionally, when I met my husband) and the support of having someone *there*. He needed similar things from me too. However, I don't really need quite the same things anymore. I've grown and healed and changed quite a bit, and he has as well, but not in the same way.

 

Secondly, I've come to the realization that my husband and I really want different things out of a relationship/marriage. This wasn't clear when we got married, and for the first few years of marriage we got along quite well. But over time our "visions" and what we want together, and in life, have diverged.

 

u said u needed ur husband in tough times for support & now that u dont really need that support he is useless for u .

 

from ur posts it clearly shows that nothing has changed only u got bored of him & need a new one.

 

does not it sound like " using something & throwing it after u got bored of it ?.

[frozensprouts]

I agree with much that you said. I just wanted to respond to this part.

 

I think that many times the so called "failure to communicate" happens because of an attempt to control a person or a situation, or, an attempt to get out of doing anything. Just look at some of these situations here. What would happen if some of these posters or their partners said how they really felt? It could very well force change. However, the change that might happen might not be to the liking to the person communicating, so they keep quite. Also, what is really going on when a person tells their partner over and over that they need something (sex, affection, respect) and their partner fails to give it to them over and over? It's not that the other partner isn't getting the message. They've gotten the message loud and clear. They just don't want to give in to their partner's request. Maybe they have a good reason, I don't know.

 

perhaps it's also because they aren't saying what that means to them.

for example; a man tells his wife that he doesn't feel that she respects him, and he is angry about that and it's hurting him.

Okay... it's great that he told her that, but what is she to do? She tries, to the best of her ability, to show him that she does, in fact, respect him, but perhaps what she is doing isn't showing him that at all. they are not speaking the same 'language" they end up on two "different wavelengths", and both end up resenting the other, as he doesn't feel she is trying, and she feels she is trying so hard but he doesn't care.

Maybe it would be better to say " I don't feel respected when you do or say ( whatever it is that is bothering him), but would feel much more respected if you said or did ( whatever it is that he is looking for). That way, he would know he got his point across, and she would know what he needed form her so she could act.

No one can read the mind of another, but maybe after being married for a while it's easy to forget that, and we expect things from the other person that, in all fairness , they don't know we expect, so resentment builds up, leading to more problems.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

u said u needed ur husband in tough times for support & now that u dont really need that support he is useless for u .

 

from ur posts it clearly shows that nothing has changed only u got bored of him & need a new one.

 

does not it sound like " using something & throwing it after u got bored of it ?.

Yeah, I guess that's it.

 

I'm a user.

[lovelydemon]

Just want to let you all know that I was going through exactly same situation for almost two years. It is a very big, life changing decision; me and my ex of 5 yrs bought a house together, I was about to get health insurance from his job ( we all know what a big deal that is if you don't have one). I don't have any family in this country,but a lot of great, supportive friends.

Nothing had stopped me, once i realized that there is so much more to life that we both lived-I left. We still have the house and i pay my half of the mortgage, I don't have a health insurance or a man in my life, but let me tell you,I AM SO HAPPY! I know that I have my options open; i don't feel "caged in" anymore (unhappy,but unable to change the relationship). Just do it.

The books that helped me a lot were "Too Good to Leave,Too Bad to Stay" and "Is He Mr. Right?" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I actually like the second one better, as it discusses the main issues of a relationship and which ones would be a deal breaker. Also, "Coming Apart: Why relationships end and how to live through the ending of yours" by Daphne Rose Kingma explains the dynamics in a relationship and why many relationships were never meant forever.

I'm happy with my decision and I never looked back!

[BlueeyedJonesy]

MC has been amazing for my husband and I. We didn't have any connection problems but I still can't believe we never did it before now I love it. Also about coming from a broken home. I came from a broken home (My parents are friends now) and my H came from a well taken care of sheltered home (without physical and emotional affection) and He is much more damaged emotionally than I am. Alot of our problems come from him being numb...not showing any affection towards anyone. Soooooo no matter what I would fix this any way possible. DO NOT let it sit. good luck!

[Darth Vader]

My marriage was broken well before my affair -- the lack of intimacy and connection has been there for years. If anything, I think the A woke me up to what was truly missing (for both of us) in my M. After my A ended, I threw myself into my marriage and family, but I think there's so much distance that has been growing for so long that it's hard to overcome. The distance isn't one-sided... it's from both of us. He's not responding much, so I guess my post is more about when it's time to move on.

 

My xAP is gone for good. We are NC and I have no intention of talking to him again -- I actually have no feelings for him anymore at all, good or bad. I have gone back and forth for a long time regarding telling/not telling my H about the A. And I've been in IC for a long time which has helped clarify things. My marriage would be over for sure if I told him -- it's something I know that he could never forgive. And it would crush him.

 

Thanks for your kind words.

 

However, if you don't tell your husband about your affair, you're cheating him out of his choice to either stay with you or leave, that's as selfish as the affair. He has the right to know if he's been exposed to any STD's.

 

Yes, it will crush him and he will probably leave, but you knew that before you rode your OM. Lady, he has the right to know who he's living with.

 

At the same time, hubby has no idea what to do to fulfil any unmet needs, therefore he is doomed to continue doing what he has always done.

 

He's not responding much, so I guess my post is more about when it's time to move on.

 

So you're planning on leaving him someday, without letting him have all the facts as to why, including your affair? He's going to want to know why, and he will be bewildered. It will seemingly come out of the middle of nowhere! Now that's not fair to him!

 

It looks like he's being used for the time being, then when things are looking up, Surprise!

 

Read this post 2 or 3 times, would you want your hubby or someone else to do this to you, or to your children? I think not! That's what you're doing to their father!

 

I understand that you're trying to work on your marriage, now, but, one person can't do it alone, it takes two to have a marriage. If two don't have all the info, it's not a marriage, it's a lie.

 

Your husband's still being betrayed to this day........... When does it end?

Edited January 1, 2010 by Darth Vader

[SimplyBeingLoved]

The books that helped me a lot were "Too Good to Leave,Too Bad to Stay" and "Is He Mr. Right?" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I actually like the second one better, as it discusses the main issues of a relationship and which ones would be a deal breaker.

 

I read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" about a year ago. I answered the questions honestly and from my responses, the guideline was that I would be happier leaving.

 

One question in particular that nailed it was the one that says (paraphrasing), "Do you have any desire to physically touch your spouse?" My answer was "no" and from all indications, that would be my husband's response too.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

So you're planning on leaving him someday, without letting him have all the facts as to why, including your affair? He's going to want to know why, and he will be bewildered. It will seemingly come out of the middle of nowhere! Now that's not fair to him!

Given the huge amount of pain that the admission of an affair can cause, if she's already decided to leave, perhaps it's best not to mention the affair. Because that will overshadow everything when the reality is that things were going very south well before the affair.

[colourz]

I too understand your situation "Nowheretohide".

 

We (my wife and I) have both been each others best friend for over twenty years. She is a great person and gives 100% to the family and household. We have two boys now into their double digit ages. We both work hard, share choirs and make sure the kids get our best everyday.

 

My wife doesn't seem to see the changes over the past ten years as we have been slowly drifting apart. We don't share much anymore at all. We do what is needed to keep the family and responsibilities of our home and business running smoothly. I've brought this up over and over for years how I feel, and she does not see it the same way. Her family was not a touchy, huggie group and bickering and fighting was normal. Talking about feelings turns into a fights as she doesn't like to be emotionally put on the spot (who does?). I do try the best I can to be honest, but not aggressive, as to not get her goat.

 

The more I discuss my thoughts and feelings, the more upset and aggressive she becomes. When I brought up MC again, she said perhaps there is another way, as she doesn't want a stranger asking us questions about our personal life. I said I would look for some books and do some research, but our marriage is falling apart now.

 

I get stressed when she disciplines the boys and when she gets upset a me for (her) having to be the heavy with the children (which is not really true). I react very differently, when the boys do something upsetting, usually I take them out for a walk and discuss the issue and almost always find a solution and make an agreement about future behavior.

 

I'm not trying to paint myself as perfect, as I am not. I find our house hold is often held together with rules and confrontation.

 

I hope I haven't hijacked the post, but I too am looking for "When do you know it's the time to leave?" I'm beginning to feel that it's getting to the point of collapse, and believe that I can't hide it any more, everything eventually rises to the top. I would rather end it with no regrets, but the more we discuss our marriage the more volatile it becomes.

 

Who knew it could be this hard, eh? What is the right choice? I sure don't know.

[Darth Vader]

Given the huge amount of pain that the admission of an affair can cause, if she's already decided to leave, perhaps it's best not to mention the affair. Because that will overshadow everything when the reality is that things were going very south well before the affair.

 

 

Like I said, when she tries to leave, he's going to want to know why..................... Then the digging starts. Sure he's likely to leave her when she tells him, but he'll most definately leave if he finds out by himself. He's continuingly being disrespected and humiliated by his wife, would she put up with it if he had done this to her?

[Tethys]

My marriage right now is incredibly broken, and has been for some time. After the birth of our first daughter 8 years ago, we essentially stopped focusing on each other. We put all of our time, effort and focus into our children, our jobs, our finances... everything and anything BUT "us".

 

So here we are, eight years later. We are essentially friends that sleep together. We hardly connect at all anymore... he works all the time and even when he's home we rarely spend time together. We each do our own thing.

 

We are talking about MC and have discussed giving it one year to figure out if we can salvage what we used to have.

 

At what point do you call it quits? We aren't in a bad marriage... we rarely fight... but the love, passion, intensity is gone. He is an amazing father and a good friend. In many ways I see staying in it for the sake of the kids as I came from a broken home and it still affects me to this day. But then I think of what I'm missing... a true connection with someone. I often wonder if he feels the same.

 

I don't want to leave with regrets, but I don't want to stay for the wrong reasons.

 

NowhereToHide - If it hasn't been suggested yet, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum talks about this very subject. It's a good book and has very good reviews on Amazon. One of the things she says is that if the relationship was once very good, then it's possible to get it back. If it was never all that good, then you'll be happier leaving. Good luck to you.

[on1wheel]

Wow, finally found a thread that's close to what I'm going through. Long story short...I had trust/betrayal issues from being molested as a child, then from a cheating fiance. Told my now wife about it & further told her that I would leave even if 8 months pregnant if she cheated. I told her to just leave me if she absolutely had to have sex with another man. She swore she never would, as she is from a broken home & would never do that to me or our child. Guess what? She did it anyway.

Problem now was that I couldn't leave, as I now had a 19 month old baby at home. Someone that I swore when they drew their 1st breath that "I will do whatever I can to protect you from pain...anything". So now my childs happiness becomes more important than my own. That's what being a parent is about.

Fast forward 2 years & not a day goes by where I do not suffer still from her A. I know just about everything they did, when, where, how many times, what they said to each other when they thought no one would see it etc, etc. I can never un-know the things that I do.

Anyway, it brought a smile to my face to read that there are som eother brave soldiers out there making the same sacrifice that I have. I wish you all the best & hope that you can one day find true happiness. Cheers