When do you know it's time to leave?

[NowhereToHide]

My marriage right now is incredibly broken, and has been for some time. After the birth of our first daughter 8 years ago, we essentially stopped focusing on each other. We put all of our time, effort and focus into our children, our jobs, our finances... everything and anything BUT "us".

 

So here we are, eight years later. We are essentially friends that sleep together. We hardly connect at all anymore... he works all the time and even when he's home we rarely spend time together. We each do our own thing.

 

We are talking about MC and have discussed giving it one year to figure out if we can salvage what we used to have.

 

At what point do you call it quits? We aren't in a bad marriage... we rarely fight... but the love, passion, intensity is gone. He is an amazing father and a good friend. In many ways I see staying in it for the sake of the kids as I came from a broken home and it still affects me to this day. But then I think of what I'm missing... a true connection with someone. I often wonder if he feels the same.

 

I don't want to leave with regrets, but I don't want to stay for the wrong reasons.

[frozensprouts]

My marriage right now is incredibly broken, and has been for some time. After the birth of our first daughter 8 years ago, we essentially stopped focusing on each other. We put all of our time, effort and focus into our children, our jobs, our finances... everything and anything BUT "us".

 

So here we are, eight years later. We are essentially friends that sleep together. We hardly connect at all anymore... he works all the time and even when he's home we rarely spend time together. We each do our own thing.

 

We are talking about MC and have discussed giving it one year to figure out if we can salvage what we used to have.

 

At what point do you call it quits? We aren't in a bad marriage... we rarely fight... but the love, passion, intensity is gone. He is an amazing father and a good friend. In many ways I see staying in it for the sake of the kids as I came from a broken home and it still affects me to this day. But then I think of what I'm missing... a true connection with someone. I often wonder if he feels the same.

 

I don't want to leave with regrets, but I don't want to stay for the wrong reasons.

 

 

I don't want to sound rude or anything, but is it possible that you gave so much of yourself to your affair that you had nothing left to give to your husband? If so, have you really given him a "fair shake" in all of this? If not, then maybe you need to ask yourself if you can do that, and if you feel you can, then what do you need to do to make that happen?

 

only the two of you can answer that, but it seems as if he is fighting against something ( affair) that he knows nothing about. do you think he should know? what would happen if he did know? would it make any difference, or would it just hurt him? again, only you know the answers to those questions.

 

I wish you good luck and much happiness.

[Spoiled]

My marriage right now is incredibly broken, and has been for some time. After the birth of our first daughter 8 years ago, we essentially stopped focusing on each other. We put all of our time, effort and focus into our children, our jobs, our finances... everything and anything BUT "us".

 

So here we are, eight years later. We are essentially friends that sleep together. We hardly connect at all anymore... he works all the time and even when he's home we rarely spend time together. We each do our own thing.

 

We are talking about MC and have discussed giving it one year to figure out if we can salvage what we used to have.

 

At what point do you call it quits? We aren't in a bad marriage... we rarely fight... but the love, passion, intensity is gone. He is an amazing father and a good friend. In many ways I see staying in it for the sake of the kids as I came from a broken home and it still affects me to this day. But then I think of what I'm missing... a true connection with someone. I often wonder if he feels the same.

 

I don't want to leave with regrets, but I don't want to stay for the wrong reasons.

 

Hi NowhereToHide,

 

I know how difficult it is and know exactly how you feel as my situation is very similar.

 

Just wondering, do you think guilt from your recent history may be barriers to regaining the love and passion?

 

Are you withholding 100% effort toward the M out of fear if we were to find out the entire truth, your M would end and your efforts were in vain?

 

What is your H's opinion about your M?

 

You should consider IC and MC.

[2sure]

Hey, dont sound so despressed....you have hope for sure!! Your situation is pretty typical given the age of your children. Barring other problems, you two are great candidates for MC!! I would be excited at the prospect of I were you. We have gone, but our problems are more serious. Our marriage is ending, but the things I learned in MC are sooo valuable I wish we had done it long ago.

[NowhereToHide]

I don't want to sound rude or anything, but is it possible that you gave so much of yourself to your affair that you had nothing left to give to your husband? If so, have you really given him a "fair shake" in all of this? If not, then maybe you need to ask yourself if you can do that, and if you feel you can, then what do you need to do to make that happen?

 

only the two of you can answer that, but it seems as if he is fighting against something ( affair) that he knows nothing about. do you think he should know? what would happen if he did know? would it make any difference, or would it just hurt him? again, only you know the answers to those questions.

 

I wish you good luck and much happiness.

 

My marriage was broken well before my affair -- the lack of intimacy and connection has been there for years. If anything, I think the A woke me up to what was truly missing (for both of us) in my M. After my A ended, I threw myself into my marriage and family, but I think there's so much distance that has been growing for so long that it's hard to overcome. The distance isn't one-sided... it's from both of us. He's not responding much, so I guess my post is more about when it's time to move on.

 

My xAP is gone for good. We are NC and I have no intention of talking to him again -- I actually have no feelings for him anymore at all, good or bad. I have gone back and forth for a long time regarding telling/not telling my H about the A. And I've been in IC for a long time which has helped clarify things. My marriage would be over for sure if I told him -- it's something I know that he could never forgive. And it would crush him.

 

Thanks for your kind words.

[foxyroxy_msu83]

i am going through similar issues with my husband of 5 years. i love him but there is no passion anymore, no real connection. i miss that terribly, and there are too many days in the week where i find myself second guessing my decisions. good luck to you, it will work out one way or the other. in the end you will be stronger and know more of what you want!

[frozensprouts]

My marriage was broken well before my affair -- the lack of intimacy and connection has been there for years. If anything, I think the A woke me up to what was truly missing (for both of us) in my M. After my A ended, I threw myself into my marriage and family, but I think there's so much distance that has been growing for so long that it's hard to overcome. The distance isn't one-sided... it's from both of us. He's not responding much, so I guess my post is more about when it's time to move on.

 

My xAP is gone for good. We are NC and I have no intention of talking to him again -- I actually have no feelings for him anymore at all, good or bad. I have gone back and forth for a long time regarding telling/not telling my H about the A. And I've been in IC for a long time which has helped clarify things. My marriage would be over for sure if I told him -- it's something I know that he could never forgive. And it would crush him.

 

Thanks for your kind words.

 

forgive me for asking, but was the distance always there, perhaps in the background, or was it something that happened over time? This is something that I don't understand, if two people are able, at some point in time, able to have enough of an emotional connection to want to spend the rest of their lives together and to want to make a commitment to do so, shouldn't it be possible, if both people are willing to really work at it, to get there again? Why does it come so easily in the first few years of a marriage, but then sometimes become harder as time goes by? I know that people grow and change over time, but the fundamentals of "who we are' should still be there ( or am I being naive?- I wish I knew the answers to these types of things, it seems there is a lot I don't know) or is it the "effort' in and of itself that makes the connection hard to achieve- you know how that "connection' seems to be there early in a relationship, with no effort really at all. If that's the case, then maybe trying so hard isn't the answer. I know that the "effort" can be really exhausting and emotionally draining.

 

My husband and I have been in marriage counseling ( hopefully, to resume when he comes home from deployment), and one thing that our counselor talked with us about was looking at what we honestly were both expecting from one another, and if it was reasonable, given who we are, our personality types, etc. to expect that from one another ( in other words, are we expecting something from someone that they simply don't have it in them to give)? right now, I don't know... I don't think I am.

 

have you asked yourself that? Are you maybe expecting something of yourself that just isn't in you to give anymore? I really hope not, as it would be wonderful for you if you were to be able to live a happy life with your husband.

 

I feel so bad for you, you sound unhappy. Perhaps marriage counseling would help the two of you figure out what it is that will make you both happy. I really hope so.

 

there is one thing I have learned from reading all the posts on this site- everyone has a story to tell, and many times, things aren't"black and white", there's a whole lot of grey. I used to have a very "set" view of things, but I don't anymore.

Again, best of luck to you... I hope that you can find a way to be happy in your life. you deserve to be.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

I'm in very much the same boat.

 

I think it takes quite a while to get to the decision that it's either "over" or that you want to really work on it. I've been going through a lot of back and forth seesawing... but when I examine the reasons I want to stay, they are mostly about convenience, not wanting to hurt my family, afraid of loss of self-identity, etc. Mostly reasons that are more peripheral, not so much because I've had a big turn-around in my feelings toward my husband. Which makes me think that it probably is over, but it is a process getting there.

[NowhereToHide]

Hey, dont sound so despressed....you have hope for sure!! Your situation is pretty typical given the age of your children. Barring other problems, you two are great candidates for MC!! I would be excited at the prospect of I were you. We have gone, but our problems are more serious. Our marriage is ending, but the things I learned in MC are sooo valuable I wish we had done it long ago.

 

Thank you! This is a very positive post, I appreciate it. I do have friends with similar aged children who are in the same boat. I spoke with my H tonight and we are definitely going to start MC.

[NowhereToHide]

I'm in very much the same boat.

 

I think it takes quite a while to get to the decision that it's either "over" or that you want to really work on it. I've been going through a lot of back and forth seesawing... but when I examine the reasons I want to stay, they are mostly about convenience, not wanting to hurt my family, afraid of loss of self-identity, etc. Mostly reasons that are more peripheral, not so much because I've had a big turn-around in my feelings toward my husband. Which makes me think that it probably is over, but it is a process getting there.

 

I think this is very true. The reasons for staying are very much my kids, losing my best friend (my H), not having the life (or future) that I had always assumed I would have. It's not that I see me falling back in love with him and regaining the connection, though most days I think we owe it to each other to at least try harder.

 

It would take a lot, I think, for either of us to have a big turn-around in our feelings toward each other and our marriage. I know he would be willing to stay pretty much indefinitely because of the kids. I'm not sure I can do that.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

This is something that I don't understand, if two people are able, at some point in time, able to have enough of an emotional connection to want to spend the rest of their lives together and to want to make a commitment to do so, shouldn't it be possible, if both people are willing to really work at it, to get there again?

In my case, there are two factors. One, I really don't need or want the same things in a relationship that I did back when I got married (over 16 years ago). At the time I really needed a lot of grounding (I was going through a tough time, emotionally, when I met my husband) and the support of having someone *there*. He needed similar things from me too. However, I don't really need quite the same things anymore. I've grown and healed and changed quite a bit, and he has as well, but not in the same way.

 

Secondly, I've come to the realization that my husband and I really want different things out of a relationship/marriage. This wasn't clear when we got married, and for the first few years of marriage we got along quite well. But over time our "visions" and what we want together, and in life, have diverged.

[NowhereToHide]

forgive me for asking, but was the distance always there, perhaps in the background, or was it something that happened over time? This is something that I don't understand, if two people are able, at some point in time, able to have enough of an emotional connection to want to spend the rest of their lives together and to want to make a commitment to do so, shouldn't it be possible, if both people are willing to really work at it, to get there again? Why does it come so easily in the first few years of a marriage, but then sometimes become harder as time goes by? I know that people grow and change over time, but the fundamentals of "who we are' should still be there ( or am I being naive?- I wish I knew the answers to these types of things, it seems there is a lot I don't know) or is it the "effort' in and of itself that makes the connection hard to achieve- you know how that "connection' seems to be there early in a relationship, with no effort really at all. If that's the case, then maybe trying so hard isn't the answer. I know that the "effort" can be really exhausting and emotionally draining.

 

My husband and I have been in marriage counseling ( hopefully, to resume when he comes home from deployment), and one thing that our counselor talked with us about was looking at what we honestly were both expecting from one another, and if it was reasonable, given who we are, our personality types, etc. to expect that from one another ( in other words, are we expecting something from someone that they simply don't have it in them to give)? right now, I don't know... I don't think I am.

 

have you asked yourself that? Are you maybe expecting something of yourself that just isn't in you to give anymore? I really hope not, as it would be wonderful for you if you were to be able to live a happy life with your husband.

 

I feel so bad for you, you sound unhappy. Perhaps marriage counseling would help the two of you figure out what it is that will make you both happy. I really hope so.

 

there is one thing I have learned from reading all the posts on this site- everyone has a story to tell, and many times, things aren't"black and white", there's a whole lot of grey. I used to have a very "set" view of things, but I don't anymore.

Again, best of luck to you... I hope that you can find a way to be happy in your life. you deserve to be.

 

I wouldn't say the distance was always there, but looking back now I think we both compromised a great deal on what we truly needed for what we thought we needed (if that makes sense). We do love each other, but I'm not sure we give each other enough of what the other needs. And it IS easier in the first few years... just by the mere fact that you have the time to do it. Once our kids came along, we just stopped focusing.

 

So I guess I would say that there probably has always been a certain level of "distance" between us, even in the beginning. And I think we both kind of gave up on working on it (because for us, it did take work). I don't think it's work for every couple. Which also worries me.

 

And you ask a really good question... am I asking of my H something that just isn't capable of giving? I think the answer is yes. But then I think that it really isn't fair because in some ways it feels like I'm changing the rules on him. If this passion and intimacy is so important to me, shouldn't I have spoken up in the beginning? The answer, of course, is yes. But then again, life isn't that simple. And the flip side is, I'm not sure I'm the person that is able to give him what he needs (although his "needs" are far less than mine).

 

And I agree with the "black & white"... I used to be SO black & white with all of this stuff.... coming out of my A, I realize how "grey" everything really is. Nothing is black and white... and I have much more compassion for those going through hard times, even A's, because none of it is easy. Growing, changing, evolving in a marriage is tough stuff. It wasn't anything I ever anticipated going through.... I assumed that I would be married forever and I would just be happy... that it would just HAPPEN. How wrong I was.

 

I hope your marriage comes through with counseling as well. It sounds like you are on the right track at least.

[NowhereToHide]

In my case, there are two factors. One, I really don't need or want the same things in a relationship that I did back when I got married (over 16 years ago). At the time I really needed a lot of grounding (I was going through a tough time, emotionally, when I met my husband) and the support of having someone *there*. He needed similar things from me too. However, I don't really need quite the same things anymore. I've grown and healed and changed quite a bit, and he has as well, but not in the same way.

 

Secondly, I've come to the realization that my husband and I really want different things out of a relationship/marriage. This wasn't clear when we got married, and for the first few years of marriage we got along quite well. But over time our "visions" and what we want together, and in life, have diverged.

 

This is so true.... the same goes for us as well.

 

So, where are you netting out with all of this? Are you planning on leaving? Have you come to any decisions?

[Holding-On]

I'm glad to see you did get some positive, action based advice in the last few posts.

 

In response to your original question, I want to recommend "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" (Mira Kirshenbaum). It was written exactly for this purpose.

 

I wish you the best in your counseling together!

[giotto]

same here... staying just for the kids, really. Connection was lost many years ago, after second child... jobs, work, children... too much going on and we lost ourselves...I've accepted and stopped being resentful, so wife seems more open, but I've past it. Too much hurt, too much baggage... she is more open because she doesn't have to deal with a bitter husband. Life is easier... for her. I just felt rejected all the time and in the end you stop trying... this is sad, because I can give a lot and I'd like to give a lot, but I can't give what I have to my wife, not anymore... we tried MC and failed... many horrible things came out, unpleasant. Didn't fix it, made it worse... people drift apart, from one reason or another... in our case was inability to communicate from my wife and I didn't know how to deal with that. I don't believe you can regain the connection after it's gone... I actually feel better when my wife is out of the house... sounds strange, but I've been so hurt that I find it uncomfortable being in the same room as her... many times I think: can we gat it back? Is it possible? I think about the great times we've had together and I feel a huge emptiness and sadness, for what we had and now we don't... sorry, I don't have an answer...

[NowhereToHide]

same here... staying just for the kids, really. Connection was lost many years ago, after second child... jobs, work, children... too much going on and we lost ourselves...I've accepted and stopped being resentful, so wife seems more open, but I've past it. Too much hurt, too much baggage... she is more open because she doesn't have to deal with a bitter husband. Life is easier... for her. I just felt rejected all the time and in the end you stop trying... this is sad, because I can give a lot and I'd like to give a lot, but I can't give what I have to my wife, not anymore... we tried MC and failed... many horrible things came out, unpleasant. Didn't fix it, made it worse... people drift apart, from one reason or another... in our case was inability to communicate from my wife and I didn't know how to deal with that. I don't believe you can regain the connection after it's gone... I actually feel better when my wife is out of the house... sounds strange, but I've been so hurt that I find it uncomfortable being in the same room as her... many times I think: can we gat it back? Is it possible? I think about the great times we've had together and I feel a huge emptiness and sadness, for what we had and now we don't... sorry, I don't have an answer...

 

Giotto... I've seen many of your posts. Thank you for responding.

 

This may sound like a strange question, but how do you do it? How do you live with someone that you don't really even "like"? How do you give up the possibility of a connection, of love, intimacy and passion with someone new? I know you mentioned you're staying for your kids, which at this point is very much what I'm doing as well. But I'm not happy. And I'm worried it will affect them, too. When he's around, I shut down. I don't engage with my kids as much.

 

How old are your kids may I ask? Are you planning on leaving when they are older?

 

I came from a family of divorce and it was horrible. If I do end up staying, it will be for my kids -- to spare them what I went through. I just don't know how long I can handle feeling so empty in my marriage. I hope I get the strength to do the right thing for them.

[giotto]

Giotto... I've seen many of your posts. Thank you for responding.

 

This may sound like a strange question, but how do you do it? How do you live with someone that you don't really even "like"? How do you give up the possibility of a connection, of love, intimacy and passion with someone new? I know you mentioned you're staying for your kids, which at this point is very much what I'm doing as well. But I'm not happy. And I'm worried it will affect them, too. When he's around, I shut down. I don't engage with my kids as much.

 

How old are your kids may I ask? Are you planning on leaving when they are older?

 

I came from a family of divorce and it was horrible. If I do end up staying, it will be for my kids -- to spare them what I went through. I just don't know how long I can handle feeling so empty in my marriage. I hope I get the strength to do the right thing for them.

 

well, I'm staying for the children, yes... they are 8, 11, 14 and 17... so, I still have a few years to go. How can I live in a situation like this? You get used to it. I do it for the children and separating would be financially very hard. We are civilised about things, don't argue, get along ok and this is normal after nearly 25 years together, but the relationship has gone.

 

Yes, sometimes I don't even like her, but that's because of what's happened. I think she stopped being in love with me after the second child was born. I knew there was something wrong but she wouldn't tell me. Having sex with her was a nightmare... always rejected... but she never explained it to me. She's always had communication issues and issues stemming from her upbringing. So, after years of bitterness (and me behaving like a total turd, sometimes), we went to MC and the truth came out... she said she didn't love me like she used to and that we were together only for the children. I was shocked. I still loved her, but now I only feel resentment... I feel bitter because she didn't mention it 12 years ago... you see, I was frequently rejected by my parents... my father was very violent and my mother icy and distant. I only wanted to be cuddled and loved and I never got it... I get married and the woman who is supposed to love me pulls the same trick on me... I was devastated... being rejected and pushed away again was unbearable.

 

But I don't want my kids to suffer, so I'm staying. I can cope with my pain... I couldn't cope with theirs... I will be leaving when the time is right...

 

Sorry about the rant, but you asked...

[NowhereToHide]

well, I'm staying for the children, yes... they are 8, 11, 14 and 17... so, I still have a few years to go. How can I live in a situation like this? You get used to it. I do it for the children and separating would be financially very hard. We are civilised about things, don't argue, get along ok and this is normal after nearly 25 years together, but the relationship has gone.

 

Yes, sometimes I don't even like her, but that's because of what's happened. I think she stopped being in love with me after the second child was born. I knew there was something wrong but she wouldn't tell me. Having sex with her was a nightmare... always rejected... but she never explained it to me. She's always had communication issues and issues stemming from her upbringing. So, after years of bitterness (and me behaving like a total turd, sometimes), we went to MC and the truth came out... she said she didn't love me like she used to and that we were together only for the children. I was shocked. I still loved her, but now I only feel resentment... I feel bitter because she didn't mention it 12 years ago... you see, I was frequently rejected by my parents... my father was very violent and my mother icy and distant. I only wanted to be cuddled and loved and I never got it... I get married and the woman who is supposed to love me pulls the same trick on me... I was devastated... being rejected and pushed away again was unbearable.

 

But I don't want my kids to suffer, so I'm staying. I can cope with my pain... I couldn't cope with theirs... I will be leaving when the time is right...

 

Sorry about the rant, but you asked...

 

This makes more sense to me than you can possibly know. I entered into IC shortly after I began an affair because I couldn't understand how I could be doing what I was doing. And I have come to learn a lot through therapy about how my upbringing has affected my adult relationships, especially with men (and mainly my H). I had a very emotionally distant father and an emotionally damaged mother who repeatedly rejected me and never validated me. So, I of course seek validation where I can get it. But I married a man that, like my father, is incredibly emotionally distant. He has no desire to engage with me and on most days acts like he doesn't even like me. So when I man from my past entered into my life who adored me, I was drawn to him as though my life depended on him. I can see it now so clearly. But then, it didn't make any sense.

 

I think you are incredibly strong, Giotto. Staying for your kids takes an incredible amount of courage and selflessness. You are putting the needs of your kids ahead of your own. And that's what we do as parents, right? But staying in that situation for that long is truly a sacrifice. I admire your courage, more than you know.

 

I could make my marriage "tolerable". He is a great friend and is supportive. There's just not much love and connection there anymore. But, I would die for my kids. So, staying for them wouldn't be out of the question for me.

 

Thank you for your honesty, Giotto.

[giotto]

This makes more sense to me than you can possibly know. I entered into IC shortly after I began an affair because I couldn't understand how I could be doing what I was doing. And I have come to learn a lot through therapy about how my upbringing has affected my adult relationships, especially with men (and mainly my H). I had a very emotionally distant father and an emotionally damaged mother who repeatedly rejected me and never validated me. So, I of course seek validation where I can get it. But I married a man that, like my father, is incredibly emotionally distant. He has no desire to engage with me and on most days acts like he doesn't even like me. So when I man from my past entered into my life who adored me, I was drawn to him as though my life depended on him. I can see it now so clearly. But then, it didn't make any sense.

 

I think you are incredibly strong, Giotto. Staying for your kids takes an incredible amount of courage and selflessness. You are putting the needs of your kids ahead of your own. And that's what we do as parents, right? But staying in that situation for that long is truly a sacrifice. I admire your courage, more than you know.

 

I could make my marriage "tolerable". He is a great friend and is supportive. There's just not much love and connection there anymore. But, I would die for my kids. So, staying for them wouldn't be out of the question for me.

 

Thank you for your honesty, Giotto.

 

I cried reading your message... a more articulate reply tomorrow..

[giotto]

right, a little less emotional today! There isn't very much to add to what you've said, NTH. It's quite strange how we seek what we know in relationships and we end up repeating the same mistakes we want to avoid. My wife is also very emotionally challenged. Because of what she experienced in her teens, she has learnt to create a barrier between herself and her emotions, to protect herself. My only thread is about my wife going to IC... guess what? She never did.

 

NTH, I thank you for the kind words... the situation is not unbearable, but I'm deeply unhappy, because I want to be loved... Is that too much to ask? Maybe. As long as the children are happy and things are nomal I'll stick it out... but I'm 47 and I feel I'm wasting my life a bit...

[Spark1111]

Many, many couples get stuck in a child-oriented relationship instead of a couple-oriented relationship. It is easy to do with the demands of children, job, home-ownership.

 

There are key elements in successful relationships; respect, consideration, communication (real honest, open, from the heart) friendship and fun!

 

Both have to want to work very hard to make it better. But one can start the process. There is so much literature out there, in addition to MC. Educate yourselves.

 

Try to do it for the sake of your children! Because what you are doing is modelling a love-less, or perfunctory marriage for them. And when they grow up to have the same, it will kill you to your core.

 

As for when is it time to leave? I have read that for a man, he shuts down and becomes emotionally distant; not angry or depressed....just couldn't care less about the woman at all.She's almost a non-entity in his life.

 

And women? Their defining emotion is contempt. She has no respect left for him at all. He is just a jerk to her.

 

If you are not experiencing these feelings, then there is real hope to turn it around. Truly!

[giotto]

As for when is it time to leave? I have read that for a man, he shuts down and becomes emotionally distant; not angry or depressed....just couldn't care less about the woman at all.She's almost a non-entity in his life.

 

And women? Their defining emotion is contempt. She has no respect left for him at all. He is just a jerk to her.

 

If you are not experiencing these feelings, then there is real hope to turn it around. Truly!

 

I'm not experiencing any of these feelings... I don't hate my wife, I'm just really sad for what's happened. We failed as a couple, but we still care for each other... we even have sex from time to time!

 

Can it be salvaged? No, because it's my turn now to erect barriers... I don't want to be hurt again and I have a psychological block towards my wife... it's fine as it is... no more warfare!

[Spark1111]

Giotto, one of the great things I have learned in MC, is how to interact without hurting each other.

 

Sounds simple, right? It isn't. It takes tremendous effort and a certain skill set practiced by both partners to work.

 

Hey, they do not give lessons on marriage and child-rearing, the two most important jobs in ensuring happiness, do they?

 

Maybe it should be mandatory, IMHO.

[giotto]

We don't hurt each other anymore... anyway, whatever I did in the past it was never done with the intention of hurting her... it was just my way of coping (or not coping) with reality. I'm not a malicious person and I woud never hurt anyone on purpose. Since coming to terms with what has happened, I accepted it and progressed to the next stage of my life... so, I'm not bitter anymore and my wife is smiling again... neverthelss, somehow, I feel shortchanged... like she is happy and I'm not...

[Samantha0905]

My marriage was broken well before my affair -- the lack of intimacy and connection has been there for years. If anything, I think the A woke me up to what was truly missing (for both of us) in my M. After my A ended, I threw myself into my marriage and family, but I think there's so much distance that has been growing for so long that it's hard to overcome. The distance isn't one-sided... it's from both of us. He's not responding much, so I guess my post is more about when it's time to move on.

 

My xAP is gone for good. We are NC and I have no intention of talking to him again -- I actually have no feelings for him anymore at all, good or bad. I have gone back and forth for a long time regarding telling/not telling my H about the A. And I've been in IC for a long time which has helped clarify things. My marriage would be over for sure if I told him -- it's something I know that he could never forgive. And it would crush him.

 

Thanks for your kind words.

 

I'm in the same position as you in many ways. It is very difficult.

 

I've been married 27 years. My husband isn't a bad man, but I am very lonely and have been for a while. I think we married so young (I was 21, him 22) and we've changed so much.

 

We were separated one time years ago for six months. I believe the children were around six and twelve years old. We went to marriage counseling and decided to keep working on things. It was a difficult decision because I wasn't sexually or emotionally satisfied, but I had children with him and he is a good father and a good person.

 

After counseling, I went to college because the counselor suggested I was just not happy with myself and needed to develop who I was as a person. I suppose I can thank her for my college degree, but what she actually did was send me off to be distracted as far as the real issues were concerned.

 

Am I sorry I didn't go ahead and get divorced then? No. I'm glad my children had a happy home. It's not like we fought or anything and they were raised in a stable and happy family. We had a date night every Saturday also. I always thought we did everything we could to keep the marriage happy, but we never connected as intimate friends and I've never felt sexual passion for him.

 

It is difficult to overcome the distance. I'm there right now with my husband. Do I think counseling may help you? Perhaps it will. How do you know if you can overcome the distance if you don't try? On the other hand, it is possible you will never have that same spark or whatever the affair fulfilled in you with your husband.

 

As for the telling, I don't plan on doing that. It would crush my husband and, frankly, I don't want to see that hurt. I have sometimes wished he would find out or even have an affair himself. How crazy is that? It's so frustrating nothing is happening to remedy our situation. I can't describe how difficult it is to communicate anything emotionally to him. He just doesn't want to know. I even moved into an apartment for six months. No "Why?" No anything from him.

 

In any event, I hope you are able to improve your relationship with your husband.