HeavenOrHell Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 The last 2 weeks I'd been doing really well, been rebuilding my life, meeting new people, looking forward to the future for the first time, and feeling that no matter whether my future has my ex in it or not (as friends or more) that things will be ok. It's 5 months since he left, I've been seeing him most weeks and enjoying time with him and he has with me, it feels right to still meet up with him, but it is hard to not read into things, like when he was asking persistent questions last weekend about what new friends I'd made lately and he seemed unsettled by it, maybe he was a bit jealous I don't know. The point is I don't know what to do. I feel torn, I do want to see him still, in some ways I wish I could let go though, but the thought gives me a fearful feeling in my stomach, I can't face it. How I do let go of my constant companion of 18 years? Help. I'm scared. He wants to see me still but understands if I need space, I am scared if I let go that he won't come after me, I am scared that he can live without me now, whereas when he left twice before 9 years ago he said he couldn't live without me. I can only let go if I know without doubt there's no chance we can reconcile ever, and even if he were to say there's no chance, I still won't believe him as he has been unsure of his feelings before, sometimes he doesn't know his own feelings, for example a few weeks before he told me he wasn't sure how he felt anymore he said he'd never leave me again and how could he have left me years ago. He would say this every so often out of the blue. So this year I actually felt the most solid with him than ever before. How stupid. I'm stupid. He said he couldn't live without me. And now he's gone I feel I can't live without him. The week before he left I said how would you feel if I left you now and he said 'devastated'. I'd started getting to know a bloke online who I had a lot in common with, and he said he was single, yeah right, he isn't. I didn't want a relationship yet, but it was nice to be in touch with someone who liked me, and now even that has gone. It will be bloody hard to find someone I really click with, I want a vegetarian partner, and seeing as only 6% of the population are, I'm pretty screwed. I'm having a relapse I guess. And soon you can tell me "I told you so" when he meets someone else, ie should have gone NC. I can't let go, when I try I sink into depression and I dread not coming out of it. Sometimes it feels like he's died. This is unbearable.
Angel1111 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I don't really understand much about the circumstances of your relationship with your ex but I'm sorry you're hurting. I will say that by continuing to see him, he's probably not going to make the decision that he can't live without you because he hasn't really experienced that. What he seems to be doing is weaning himself from you and the relationship. That's why I wouldn't read too much into his jealousy and all that. There are lots of men who will break up with someone because they don't want to be with them anymore, but they don't want anyone else to be with her either. I know, it makes no sense at all but that is very common. If you think there might still be something left between you, then it would be better if you would stop seeing him for awhile. But, if you're looking for an outsider's point of view, I'd say that you're probably going to need to accept that this relationship has run its course. For whatever reason, he wants out of it and no amount of talking is going to convince someone otherwise of this if that's what they really want. I'm sorry but sometimes we just have to let people go. As far as dating other men and having this requirement that they be vegetarians, I don't reallly get that. Why does another person have to eat the way you eat? That's just part of relationships - accepting their differences. If you can't accept that, I'm sure there's someone out there who's right for you.
Odyssey Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Hey OP... letting go of 18yrs isn't easy, he's finding it damn hard also, even though he doesn't want the relationship anymore, that might be why he said that he's unsure. Don't read too much into the words as they can give you false hope.
GrayClouds Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Oh sweet HevO your all over the place, it is as if you are trying to drive forward by looking in the rear-view mirror while thinking about changing the tire. It is time to focus. Not on the EX, not on the next, but on how to perfect what matter the most...YOU. Read or Re-read the following: So you want a second chance?
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Thanks for your replies The vegetarian thing is important to me because it's a big part of who I am, animal welfare is one of the most important things to me, I could not kiss a meat eater! Being veggie generally means a person is very compassionate and caring and that is the sort of person which appeals to me. We all have things we look for in another person don't we? It's just mine are maybe a bit more unusual/unconventional. I have no wish to be conventional, but it does mean partners are harder to find! I find it pretty strange (shallow to be honest!) when people say their ideal match would be slim, big boobs etc.
mickleb Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I can't say I think you're ready for dating yet, HoH but when you are, check out veggie dating sites like this one: http://www.veggieromance.com/ I just put in some general info on what I'm looking for and got 129 results within 100 miles of my home. And, I can tell you, the very first result was hot! Try not to fret too much about your future, at this stage. Focus on today. This hour, this minute, this second. Your future happiness depends on now. x
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 I did a while ago but had no response, so now I feel worse, who wants a 43 year old (shy) woman but I have had some interest here and there on other sites, not holding my breath though to be honest. I saw lots of younger much more attractive women there than me. I never had trouble finding partners when I was younger, kind of knew it wouldn't be easy now I'm older though. My ex is coming around for dinner tonight, this will be the decider for me about NC, if he really isn't having doubts about us at all, hasn't looked back then I need to have a new start as of tomorrow/today. I'm scared. I can't say I think you're ready for dating yet, HoH but when you are, check out veggie dating sites like this one: http://www.veggieromance.com/ I just put in some general info on what I'm looking for and got 129 results within 100 miles of my home. And, I can tell you, the very first result was hot! Try not to fret too much about your future, at this stage. Focus on today. This hour, this minute, this second. Your future happiness depends on now. x
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Thank you. I've really slid right back into depression, everything seems bleak again and pointless without him to share my life with, this life is too cold and unloving for me. I need to be loved and have affection. I feel like I've reverted back to my cold childhood again.
teanoranges Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Wow, you really remind me of me! haha. I'm also a vegetarian and couldn't really imagine kissing a meat-eater... though I wouldn't count it out as long as it was waaaay after food and some teeth-brushing, but that's way too time consuming and high-maintenance. This world really is too cruel for people with gentle hearts, I think that's a big reason so many people pull themselves away and keep a distance from things, they don't want to get hurt. Honestly, your story amazes me and I couldn't even dream of 18 years with someone. I know what you two had must have been wonderful and I really wish the best for you. Its tough to find people outside society's 'norm' Don't be too hard on yourself. You are amazing! Can I ask what your zodiac sign is?
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Had a really nice evening with him, but lonely and **** now he's gone. And feeing jealous because he's friends with old friends of mine who no longer bother with me, facebook blah blah f****** blah I can't do this anymore. If there was a way out I would take it, I didn't know loneliness like this was possible, I can't handle this pain anymore. They won't even given me a therapist for f**** sake. I told them how bad I feel at times and still nothing. Just shows how unimportant to everyone I am. He said he got my email and it made him sad for a couple of days thinking how happy we used to be. He wants to meet up still as long as it doesn't make me sad. I can't cope. Wow, you really remind me of me! haha. I'm also a vegetarian and couldn't really imagine kissing a meat-eater... though I wouldn't count it out as long as it was waaaay after food and some teeth-brushing, but that's way too time consuming and high-maintenance. This world really is too cruel for people with gentle hearts, I think that's a big reason so many people pull themselves away and keep a distance from things, they don't want to get hurt. Honestly, your story amazes me and I couldn't even dream of 18 years with someone. I know what you two had must have been wonderful and I really wish the best for you. Its tough to find people outside society's 'norm' Don't be too hard on yourself. You are amazing! Can I ask what your zodiac sign is?
teanoranges Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 aw, its really tough hearing this kind of pain. He's saying the same thing so many say 'I want to be friends but I don't want to hurt you' He's probably even been very respectful to you when you need your distance... which makes it even harder to let go of someone who's not a jerk! You really have two choices... NC, and it'll be tough.. or not NC where you'll hurt slowly but hopefully start to let go. and that too will be tough. I wish I would have sucked it up and just continued talking to my ex, acting like I had no feelings, and hiding the pain from him... would make the whole thing a little easier... but my emotions were out of wack. In the end, you have to make an effort to pull away and live your own life. Let yourself feel what you feel now, but don't give up on yourself!
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 Thanks hun. I'm an Aries by the way but am the opposite to a typical Aries, not that I really believe in Horoscopes! How would you have found it easier if you'd continued talking to your ex, acting like you had no feelings and hiding the pain from him, this is what I have been doing for 5 months and look at me now; a quivering wreck! aw, its really tough hearing this kind of pain. He's saying the same thing so many say 'I want to be friends but I don't want to hurt you' He's probably even been very respectful to you when you need your distance... which makes it even harder to let go of someone who's not a jerk! You really have two choices... NC, and it'll be tough.. or not NC where you'll hurt slowly but hopefully start to let go. and that too will be tough. I wish I would have sucked it up and just continued talking to my ex, acting like I had no feelings, and hiding the pain from him... would make the whole thing a little easier... but my emotions were out of wack. In the end, you have to make an effort to pull away and live your own life. Let yourself feel what you feel now, but don't give up on yourself!
teanoranges Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I think in the end I still would have been forced to move on... I would have cried much much more and hurt much much more... but I'd still be able to talk to him instead of knowing he's off limits... I'd know what was going on with him... but then again, those reasons aren't very good ones! Goes to show you I'm still not over him being gone from my life, without a trace. It probably isn't better, but I'm sure it would have made me stronger. I left a city I wanted to live in because of him... I let him take away a life I barely got a chance to taste... but then again.. that chance isn't gone quite yet for myself.. just a different path.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 I've felt for these 5 months he's off limits even if I do see him every week, like the best cake ever but you're not allowed any of it anymore. I'm not sure I really know what is going on with him even though I do see him. NC or not NC, both are seriously tough. I think in the end I still would have been forced to move on... I would have cried much much more and hurt much much more... but I'd still be able to talk to him instead of knowing he's off limits... I'd know what was going on with him... but then again, those reasons aren't very good ones! Goes to show you I'm still not over him being gone from my life, without a trace. It probably isn't better, but I'm sure it would have made me stronger. I left a city I wanted to live in because of him... I let him take away a life I barely got a chance to taste... but then again.. that chance isn't gone quite yet for myself.. just a different path.
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