injoyandsorrow Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 This may be a little long, I apologise in advance! My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years and recently got engaged. I'm 21 and he's 24.When we had been together for a year I found a file on his laptop that had a list of all the women he'd slept with, their ages, and the date he slept with them. Now, there weren't many on the list (4 including me) but there was a name after mine. I was shocked and confronted him, he claimed that one night when he was djing a girl started talking to him and she kissed him, that he stopped it and that's all that happened. I thought it was kinda fishy...why put her on the list if he didn't sleep with her? He said that he did it because he wanted to sleep with her and wanted to see how it made him feel to write it down. He said he felt terrible when he looked at it....then why not delete it? I didn't know whether to believed his story...I didn't think he was capable of cheating so I let it go. It bugged me throughout the year and I kept bringing it up begging him to tell me if he had slept with her, he always denied it. We got engaged 2 months ago. I begged him again 5 days ago and he finally admitted that there was more. It was 3am and this 'tart' (as he calls her) came up to him and offered him a blowjob. He accepted and they went to the bathroom of the club. I was heartbroken and told him I wanted him to leave the apartment for a while so I could deal with this. He left for an hour or so, going for a walk down to the waterfront to buy a hotdog. Unless I'm looking at this wrong...why would he want to eat at a time like that? I had no apetite for the rest of the day. I felt sick to my stomach. Also, he's acting totally normal, laughing at the tv, humming songs etc. It just doesn't come across that he's very sorry? He has apologised in an email but that's it. He's also looking up pics of women online, I came into the room and he was looking at pics of "sexy women with boots". I confronted him saying he doesn't seem to be showing any emotion and he says that's how he is. That he has never been able to (which I suppose is kind of true) but it seems unfair that I should be all over the place and he's normal? Any insight into this would be great. I haven't decided whether to stay with him or not, this did happen a year ago. Then again he did lie all this time. What do you guys think? Is a blowjob forgiveable? What about his behaviour, is this normal? He has offered to go to counselling to find out why he's like this.
Author injoyandsorrow Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Just thought I'd add that I have called off the engagement for the time being. I just really need some more advice before I decide whether to stay with him or not.
hopesndreams Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 He's too emotionally retarded for marriage. Is a BJ forgivable? Hell no. You can do better. Let him have his lists and his women in boots. You need a real man.
Author injoyandsorrow Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Thanks, as much as it hurts I agree with what you're saying. Do you think him going to counselling will change anything?
hopesndreams Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Most likely not. He needs a personality transplant. He is proud of the fact he shows no emotion and believe this, the next girl that comes along and offers him a bj, he won't turn her down either. Why? Coz you will be there for him, no matter what he does or who he does it with. Show him how strong you are. Leave him to it. Only then, will you see what he is made of.
Space Ritual Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Young Lady, Please do yourself a huge favor and RUN FROM THIS... 1. You never thought he was capable of cheating, you found out otherwise. 2. He lied to you repeatedly, from the reason she was on the list to the actual event(please not what you got was a version or a piece of the truth). and you pried that out of him 3. he has shown little to no remorse, I take it. 4. Only an arrogant person would be so foul as to keep a "spreadsheet" (no pun intended) whilst in a relationship or engaged. 5. The fact that he is a DJ would give me pause. while I am sure there are some that are very good people, the vocation itself lends itself to temptation. Rest assured if he got a hummer from one chick, he has gotten more. Frankly if she was on his list that means she left enough of an impression that she might find himn again in the club for anolther round of head. Or worse. 6. Counseling will not change his desire to have another girl's mouth playing his organ. counseling can help a lot of things, but that is not one of them. Sorry to be so blunt, but I think you may be needing the bluntness to finally guide you into doing the right thing for you here These are just a few points you should consider if you are thinking of staying with him. If you want constant drama, a general overall feeling of constant distrust and sleepless nights, by all means stay with him. But if you want to have a meaningful relationship with someone, I suggest your first step is to find the nearest curb and kick DJ boy off at it.
ADF Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Okay, a few things: 1)Your BF should have dumped you just for looking through his private stuff. What the hell is the matter with people today that they have no concept of privacy? 2) YOu can bet dollars to donuts that your boyfriend has done a whole lot more than get a single blowjob from a so-called "tart." When you find out something like that, you can almost be sure you don't know the half of it. 3) If you forgive this, you'll be sending you BF a clear message that he can get away with anything. Whatever he does to you--cheat on you, hide it, lie about it--you'll take him back. Is that the kind of relationship you want to have?
an hero Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Is it a blowjob forgivable? Only you know that. However, based on everything else you've given us, I'd say it's not looking great. I'm usually for 2nd chances, but this guy doesn't seem at all remorseful. He also kept the truth from you for a long time, and probably would have forever if you didn't find the list. I certainly wouldn't hold it against you if you gave him a second chance.
Author injoyandsorrow Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 thanks guys, space ritual- I think I needed your bluntness, just thought I'd add that he no longer dj's. He quit a few weeks later because he saw that I was upset. Every single girl he has slept with has been from that club, proof that it is full of temptations. ADF-thanks for the advice but when I found this list it was by accident, he has some files of mine on his laptop including music and some things for uni. I stumbled upon it by accident...he was well aware that I was going on his laptop. Suppose it was a good thing I found it otherwise I would have had no idea. no hero- thanks, I'm not sure if I'm going to give him another chance, I want to but I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I don't know if this makes a difference but I'm his first girlfriend. I do feel that he has changed from the person that I knew in the beginning, he treats me so much better now. It's just the fact that he's showing no emotion that has me confused. I feel so drained from worrying, I want to be strong and leave him but I keep wondering if that will be a mistake later. He did show a little bit of emotion today. I've told him he has to get tested for std's, he's going tomorrow. I'm not naive, I know that theres a big chance that he did more then he's saying so I'm not taking any chances. I'm just really hurting at the moment first love and all that.
an hero Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 3) If you forgive this, you'll be sending you BF a clear message that he can get away with anything. Whatever he does to you--cheat on you, hide it, lie about it--you'll take him back. Is that the kind of relationship you want to have? That is just completely untrue. Forgiving him does not mean becoming a door mat.
dazzle22 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 As the one poster said, he is "emotionally retarded".. (ha, very funny!) I know you are in love with him, but from an outside objective observer standpoint, the excuses you make for him, and how he's "treating you better", that is all delusional "limerance" talking. This guy is bad, bad news. Who the heck keeps computer records of data on whom they banged?? Crazy! And sick! And you can bet he had full on sex with this ho if she was on "the list"...
norajane Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 He's too emotionally retarded for marriage. He is proud of the fact he shows no emotion These are two thing you cannot do anything about. Even if you can forgive him for having sex with the girl (and he did have sex; not just a bj) and lying about it for a year and a half, you will not be able to change these things about him. And these are not good foundations for a marriage.
Author injoyandsorrow Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 I know you guys are right:( I don't want you to be because I put so much into this. I want to leave but its a little complex. I'd have to move back in with my parents which is over an hour away from uni versus being just 10 minutes away now. A part of me is anxious about telling my parents because I don't want to be pitied, even though I know this isn't my fault I feel...ashamed? I don't know why. I told him yesterday that I was pretty sure I was leaving him and he did muster up some emotion. It sounded like he was crying but there were no tears just a glazed over look. I know I keep making excuses, I was just about to say that we weren't going to get married anytime soon. We aren't even engaged anymore. What if I wait things out and see if he makes any effort...I'm not in a rush to get married. Then I realised that this probably won't make a difference because all trust is gone, I don't want to have to feel the need to snoop all the time. Suppose it was unlikely to end up with my first love anway.
bittersweet memories Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 You are soooo young..enjoy life, date others. If you are having these issues now before marriage that is a huge red flag. Take some time away from him..yes its painful but in the end you will be thanking your lucky stars you didn't marry him..I promise you that.
Knossos Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I told him yesterday that I was pretty sure I was leaving him and he did muster up some emotion. It sounded like he was crying but there were no tears just a glazed over look. He was not being genuine. A glazed over look isn't genuine emotion, that just means he's utterly detached from you and the situation. He doesn't care, has checked out of your relationship, and that's the end.
an hero Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 What if I wait things out and see if he makes any effort...I'm not in a rush to get married. Then I realised that this probably won't make a difference because all trust is gone, I don't want to have to feel the need to snoop all the time. You could wait it out, but the trust won't magically come back. It requires a long, long time and this guy doesn't sound like he will be putting in too much effort.
dazzle22 Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Very few people end up with their first loves, and of those that do, my guess is the majority of them are sick of each other... Yes, the first steps of disentangling yourself from someone else is always messy and unpleasant. It is kind of like going for cancer surgery. You go through it because you want to feel better LATER. As a 53 year old woman who married the first time wayyyy too young (22), may I give you some advice? Hold relationships much more loosely when you are in your 20's. .. Most of the people who will mean EVERYTHING to you at 50, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN MET YET....
Justtoodangtired Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Okay, a few things: 1)Your BF should have dumped you just for looking through his private stuff. What the hell is the matter with people today that they have no concept of privacy? 2) YOu can bet dollars to donuts that your boyfriend has done a whole lot more than get a single blowjob from a so-called "tart." When you find out something like that, you can almost be sure you don't know the half of it. 3) If you forgive this, you'll be sending you BF a clear message that he can get away with anything. Whatever he does to you--cheat on you, hide it, lie about it--you'll take him back. Is that the kind of relationship you want to have? Why do cheaters or liars always get so mad when their "private stuff" gets looked and when there is always something there that shouldn't be? I mean, my BF could look at all my email, text, phone, everything and NOT find one thing that would be considered a betrayal. Yet, when we look into their stuff, almost always there is something there to show they are being unfaithful in one way or another. That's why I look. Because everytime I have I find something else. And believe me, I have gone months without "spying" then only to find out there is a reason to spy in the first place.
New_Life08 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 No it is not forgivable. He cheated and betrayed you for a year. He thinks because it has been this long you will just seethe for awhile and be back to normal. The bj is a punch in the gut but the lying to your face for a whole year is where you need to worry. If he is capable of this now he is certainly capable of worse when married. Remember... people are on their best behavior before marriage. Going to get a hotdog to eat, humming as if nothing happened while you are seething shows no conscience. Then he looks at sexy women in boots during all of this? Where is his moral integrity? I will tell you this...my bf has skated on thin ice with me a few times where other women are concerned. If this situation happened with us he would be crying, apologizing, and begging forgiveness which would do him no good at that point...but still that is what we do when we feel we are losing the love of our life. NOT acting like it is spilled milk. I am not trying to tell you he is no good, but do watch your back with this one. He sounds too emotionally inept for marriage. All my best...
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I'm thinking that the things you found out are far outweighed by the things you didn't find out. When you bust a cheater, you are seeing only the tip of a very large iceberg. I would honestly and seriously consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, unless there are some honest and serious pre-marital counseling sessions going beforehand. As an aside, I tend to think that the 'hotdog excursion' was more a 'damage control' attempt rather than a jonesing for a hotdog, but that is just the cynic in me. Another worry I would have is that he quit a job he enjoyed, not because he genuinely felt remorse and wanted to quit, but because he knew you wanted him to. That sort of thing causes a buildup of resentment that is bound to come back at a later time. When someone gets a dose of resentment going, they start to feel justified about cheating, and tend to do it again. You may find that you are far better off just walking away. You can and will find happiness with someone who is far better suited for you, and more emotionally mature at that.
phineas Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 My buddies DJ'd. They got all kinds of action. I hung out in the DJ both & even hooked up a few times just because I was there handing out T-shirts or body stickers or was a judge for the wet t-shirt contests. This got me thinking. I really miss those days.
Ophelia Rue Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I really hate to tell you this, but it wasn't just a blowjob. Maybe she gave him a blowjob in the bathroom, but he went to her apartment afterwards. There's no way he didn't, especially since her name is on his fancy little List. This guy is a tool. Find a better one. Good luck hon.
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