nobmagnet Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 :( I have asked before and had no replies. It might be because I have blown it out of proprtion but i seems very important to me. Simple breakdown WAH left the first time in feb. came back on the condition we would do MC and he was committed. He lasted 2 months max and became distant nasty withdrawn and then nastier. I found e.mails in september and kicked him out........hoping he would see sence but actually needed space to see too. He didnt want to come back he loved her. (i had to get checked for STD's he used nothing with her) He moved in with Mummy and Daddy (i mean that he is a mummys boy) Mum and dad are rich but classless. They think they are supieriour to everyone and what they says is correct. If you dissagree, then you are thick. One visit he took the kids "home" my daughter 6 came home and asked if she was fat...............i said no way why do you ask........grandad and grandma told me I am. Second visit last weekend...... she came home in tears. Her grandma had taken it apon herself to cut her long blonde hair to just below her ears in a hacking fashion (grandma did it herself ) Charlie told her she didnt want her too. Horrified and very very very angry I sent a personal note to them that my solicitor agreed with and asked for reassureance that nothing like that will ever happen again, they will treat my children with kindness and thoughtfulness. The thing is I have the right to stop them seeing my children. Lowley worm and I were not married and he has no parental rights. My problem is I have not heard from them. no reasurance no nothing. I need to protect my children and it means seriously rocking the boat. What do you think? please x:rolleyes:
tojaz Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I would say you have every right to request a reply before granting them visitation again. I would let them know that not replying at all will be taken that they have no intention of honoring your wishes. Seems fair and reasonable to me. TOJAZ
confusedinky Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Got to agree with Tojaz on that one... especially with no legal rights I wouldn't let them near by kids again without a serious heart to heart. Do your kids want to see them?
Author nobmagnet Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 i dont want them to see them if they are going to continue to be horrible to them. They are people who constantly put people down and I fear they will be the same always to my kids. It is a families job to BIG your beloved kids up and the rest of the world to knock them down. I want my children to have strong self esteem and empathy i fear if they spend too much time with these people they will not have. Im scared of the power i have. I dont want to use it lightly. x thank you both soooooo muchfor the reply xx
trippi1432 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 i dont want them to see them if they are going to continue to be horrible to them. They are people who constantly put people down and I fear they will be the same always to my kids. It is a families job to BIG your beloved kids up and the rest of the world to knock them down. I want my children to have strong self esteem and empathy i fear if they spend too much time with these people they will not have. Im scared of the power i have. I dont want to use it lightly. x thank you both soooooo muchfor the reply xx My opinion is that you need to use that power right now to protect your children. Kids get such mixed signals on body image these days that those comments themselves could do damage later on...it seems to me that you already see that.
Author nobmagnet Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 yes I can see that. She has asked me many times now if she is fat. Children trust and respect adults so if they said it ........it must be true. I have had to shatter both my childrens illusions that this is not always the case. Not all adults tell the truth, not all adults are nice and what your grandparents have told you and have done to your hair is very very wrong. its so unfair. i will give them until teusday to respond and then I will have to explain to my ex that he can have the kids but here. He will not be able to take them to his mothers until I have had reassurance. ouch. he was supposed to have them boxing day and the day after............nope he can see them here and I will make myself scairce. hate this
dgiirl Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 What does your ex think about his parents actions? Ideally, it should be him talking to his parents about their actions unless he is siding with them.
Author nobmagnet Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 he let her do it. He sides with them always. They are all pretty toxic but he knows no different as he has grown up with it and it is the norm for him. He never understood the offence they have caused throughout our relationship not just to me mut my whole family. The sneered at every achievment and put me down constantly.
Ronni_W Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I agree with you to set some firm boundaries around visitation. If your kids enjoy spending time with their grandparents, you could extend the same invitation to them -- "Come on over and see the kids here...where I can, to the best of my ability, do my parenting job of ensuring their mental and emotional well-being." yes I can see that. She has asked me many times now if she is fat. Children trust and respect adults so if they said it ........it must be true. If I may offer. Have you considered doing some research and finding age-appropriate ways and words to help your daughter 100% accept her current body shape and size? It's on her mind, obviously, so your saying, "No, you're not fat it's your grandma who is misguided," hasn't worked / isn't working. In your shoes, I would want to totally eliminate grandma's toxic, esteem-destroying programming before it becomes Daughter's core belief about herself. It's horrible for your daughter and you that you must deal with this at such a tender age but...Toxic Grandma has left few options, unfortunately. Hugs, and very best to you and your kids.
Author nobmagnet Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 I havent done any research!!!! what a prat i am! I will do that right now. what very thoughtful and kind advice. ta muchly xxxxx
anne1707 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 The thing is I have the right to stop them seeing my children. Lowley worm and I were not married and he has no parental rights. Nobmagnet Sorry but I don't know your full story. Is your ex the father of your children or not? I don't understand why he has no parental rights. I have also done a quick google on rights of grandparents and even though there is no automatic right to maintain contact, they can apply to the courts. I think this is worth checking with your solicitor because it does sound as if these are potential nightmare grandparents and you need to know exactly where you stand.
Author nobmagnet Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 my children were born before 3rd dec 2003. In british law the father has no rights. nothing.No access no medical no nothing. Its wrong but its true. as far as grandparents go they have no rights too. They can apply to court to gain access but they have to prove they enhance the lives of the children involved. they dont enhance my babies lives one bit.they seem to be hell bent ondestoying their self esteem.x
anne1707 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Well I didn't know that! (I'm also in the UK). But good to hear considering the potential damage your ex and his parents could do.
Author nobmagnet Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 yes. I am not a fighter by nature, I always try to smooth the way. But right now I am a lioness trying to protect her cubs. i am so very very grateful for all your help in this mess. It has helped strenghthen my resolve. Dignity and strength. you are all fantastic people xxxxxxxxx
2.50 a gallon Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Does he provide financial support, and if so do you need the support? The reason I ask can you cut them off and not suffer financially Be a momma bear and protect your cub. In the future all visits will take place at your home, holiday be damned If they want to see the kids grandma has to sit and let the grandchild fashion cut her hair.
It_Is_What_It_Is Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Nobmagnet, it is not correct that unmarried fathers have no parental rights in the UK. Pre-December 2003, yes. But after that they have as long as their names are on the child's birth certificate. "The mother is the only adult who has any automatic rights in respect of the couple’s children. She alone will have parental responsibility for them, which covers all aspects of their welfare and upbringing. However since December 2003 an unmarried father can acquire similar rights if he registers the birth of the child jointly with the mother. If an unmarried couple split up, the mother will automatically have the right to look after her child, and the father could not challenge her unless they have entered into a Parental Responsibility Agreement or he has a court order in his favour."
Author nobmagnet Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 yep my children were both born before dec 2003. we didnt sign an agreement. i suggested he and i go to get the agreement years ago but never got round to it
Author nobmagnet Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 sh*t hit the fan last night. My daughter asked me to calldaddy because he had asked her to tell me. I called. They all laughed at my request for them to behave better. I can still hear it in my ears this morning. He was vile and nasty to me then sent an e.mail to my dad asking him to mediate. He satated I was losing the plot. He has done a 180 on the situation and twisted and lied through out. My dad understands the score. I am in bits today. I am waiting for my solicitor to call me with advice. I need to protect my kids but this is turning very very very nasty. dont want to be me x
Brightmoon Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 NM It must be difficult to see your kids treated like that and upset. That sort of humiliation is awful. You are a wonderfully protective and loving mum. Hope you can put into place what you need to for it not to happen again... (((hugs)))
Author nobmagnet Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 thank you brighmoon. I am having a terrible day today and your words have help ta muchlyxxxxx
Brightmoon Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 thank you brighmoon. I am having a terrible day today and your words have help ta muchlyxxxxx Awww!! Any time sweetheart. I am sorry you are having a bad day today... (((hugs))) You are working on the right thing to protect your lovely kids. Hope the day improves. (You always cheer me up you know...when I read your posts, and in particular your reply to mine yesterday. Thank you. xx)
tojaz Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 sh*t hit the fan last night. My daughter asked me to calldaddy because he had asked her to tell me. I called. They all laughed at my request for them to behave better. I can still hear it in my ears this morning. He was vile and nasty to me then sent an e.mail to my dad asking him to mediate. He satated I was losing the plot. He has done a 180 on the situation and twisted and lied through out. My dad understands the score. I am in bits today. I am waiting for my solicitor to call me with advice. I need to protect my kids but this is turning very very very nasty. dont want to be me x NM This is one of the vilest things I have ever heard... To laught at your request! I hope your solicitor can give you some advice to help you protect your children from all this nastiness. It seems they choose to use them as pawns. TOJAZ
Author nobmagnet Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 it does doesnt it. cant tell you how lousy i feel. My eldest daughter(not his) is 17 and sent him a very nasty text last night without my knowlege. He assumed it was from me. I have been very careful not to put anything in writting that he can thow back at me. I have been quiet, patient, flexable and behaved with total dignity thoughout this sorry mess. I have done nothing wrong and I just dont understand why they are being so nasty to me and using the kids to hurt me. Its hidious and i want out. I am terrified.I feel sick. im back to square one emotionally. crap crap crap
Author nobmagnet Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 jst spoken to my solicitor he said I have the right to restict access but the long term prospects of my children never seeing their grandparents again is not possible to enforse without stopping Lowlyworm seeing them. I cant do that. I have very strong belifs that it is very important for children to have a relationship with both parents.. So I guess I am kinda screwed. I trully beleive that the toxic behaviour will never change. They have always been the same. They laughed at the request for reassurance. Again. They are right and the rest of the world is wrong. I want to wake up in two years please
tojaz Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I would ask the solicitor if there is some form of formal complaint you could file. Might not amount to much except for them to face the harsh reality of what they are doing to your children. In the mean time a spell of supervised visits for worm and no visits for grandparents might give them some consequences for their actions and some food for thought. TOJAZ
Recommended Posts