Hit by the train - #3

[LisaUk]

Understanding that dysfunction like this is not the way to build a relationship has been something that I have not over looked.

 

Over time I have always seen the signs of imperfection as ways to learn how to improve on what is there. You learn things about yourself and realize that unless the hurdles present themselves, you would never learn how to adjust or overcome them.

 

For me, I have always thought that we worked well to create the best relationship possible until some outside factor throws a wrench into the mix.It's not an outside factor in my opinion, it's whenever the realationship moves to a deeper level of commitment, think about it, there is a pattern to her leaving. Did you read He's Scared, SHe's Scared, CP can have different triggers for different people. I know a female CP I am at school with, she's 22 years old, she finds a guy, dates, sleeps with him and within a week she starts with the excuses. All of a sudden he's not quite right, always something about him she knew from the start. The last one she broke up with, she had said to me that week she felt he was "too nice" etc, by the weekend she had dropped him BY sleeping with someone else. She said to me, "I was actually really glad he upset me on the weekend, b/c I had been looking for a reason to dump him". When she is has been drunk, she has admitted she runs b/c she gets scared when they get too close, she knows she has a problem.

Many CP's don't know they have a problem, they just see you as the problem. SOme are more extreme and obvious than others. SOme have marriage as their trigger, some have day after getting married etc. Please, I strongly recommend you read the book. If you do and think it doesn't apply fair enough. I just can't bear to hear you going over and over this looking for reasons.

For me, I always see the big picture. For her, she sees the task right in front of her and bases the whole thing on that one task. If it seems too difficult, she puts it aside for later or sometimes for NEVER.Comitment issues are not just about relationships, they extend to jobs, buying a car, sex all sorts of things.

 

Today she is planning on being at the house while I am at work to pick up a bed?????? Last week I packed every belonging of hers and moved it to the door. I guess I will be interested in seeing what is/s not there when I return home this evening? I feel like the plug is being pulled on my life with her and I have to watch it go down the drain.

 

I know that there are things that she needs to address for herself in order for US to EVER have a chance again. I know that these are things that probably need months/years of breathing time to com to fruition. It's just that I love her so much, and I beleive in her so much, that the same longing I have that she not give up on me, is multiplied X10 in the way that I would not give up on her.

 

Today will be her decision to move as much as she feel necessary and in turn taking the steps in the direction she wants this to go. I know I have no control or even input on this, so I guess I'm in for a ride.

 

I am not afraid of the inability to find another person to love. I just know what my heart feels for this woman. I am not so bull-headed that I can't see past the end of my nose.....I just don't give my all to anything..it takes me time to see what I really want and then I give THAT my all.

..........

[sotagoon]

 

How would your friends describe you? My guess is they would say, very giving, almost generous to a fault, defers to others wants and wishes, very nice, others sometimes take advantage of him... Am I right??

 

Most of these things are correct...with one exception...I don't give when unsolicited. If a friend or family ASKS for help, I give it...no questions asked.

 

I get it about the "groove"..that makes perfect sense.

 

I believe over time and through the past episodes of her departures, my passiveness probably became more prevalent in worry of losing her again.

Probably even more pronounced when she was diagnosed with cancer. (9 months ago)

 

The "lock & key" thing probably makes alot of sense because it seems that she brings that out in me, almost in the exact nature she does with her father. He has and is always there to help her with anything and she hates it, but when she is in dire straits, guess what....he's there.

 

The CP aspect is also there......I think it is just always the straw that breaks the camels back and in turn makes her want to leave.

 

A few weeks after she was diagnosed with cancer, she was being really upsetting and disrespectful and I told her that her cancer was no excuse to treat me like garbage. Her response was "I hate being here."

 

Somehow she stayed all the way through chemo, surgery, and radiation all the while asking me to stay with her in the hospital, and bring her this and that and "I love you", "I miss you"...etc.

 

I see that this situation is un-healthy for me, I just wish there was a way to change the dynamic to make it work like the first 3-4 years.

Edited January 15, 2010 by sotagoon

[sotagoon]

Something just dawned on me.....I think that I started to "withold" from telling her how I felt or that I was upset leading up to her departure.

 

In a sense I was displeased but I just didn't want to add to her already heavy load dealing with her treatment. I guess I figured I'd just deal with it on my own and in the end she'd see that I am/was always there when she needed me.

 

The fact that I didn't express that I hated how she was treating ME was eating me up inside, but like I said...I thought it would just be too much stress for her in addition to her condition.

[dazzle22]

Good insight. At last, a glimmer of hope for you.!

 

We people who love too much grew up in situations where people "invaded" our boundaries for "the greater good, for the family, whatever" all the time. Whatever we wanted, was always secondary to someone else's needs, etc.

 

This results in us not holding our boundaries when other people are pushing over the line of appropriateness, whether that be asking too much, or being abusive. You see, doesn't matter if you have cancer or not, it doesn't give you permission to sh....t on your partner, and you should have appropriately called her on that and she would have respected you more. Instead, you acted just like her father, so then she could totally play the role she always does.

[sotagoon]

I know you'd probably say "Start right now" , but I want to make this better.

 

I guess I'm looking for a way to add wood back to the 2x4 I cut too short....so to say.

 

If I could remedy the issue, I would do anything to have that chance.

 

And by the way...I did call her on the BS...she just wouldn't agree that she was in the wrong.

 

I told someone the other day that I can count on one hand the number of times she apologized to me in 8 years. It would take 1/2 the peoples hands in China to count the number of times I apologized.

-- Why....because I just wanted to move past things and look forward.

Amazing that I'm having an issue doing that now??????????

[dazzle22]

You have been very "conflict avoidant" in this relationship, and it created a huge elephant in the middle of the room. She is a very stubborn person who refuses to apologize or look at how she hurts people, and you then chose to sweep it under a rug and "move on". This is ALSO a mistake I have made many times.

 

This happened with quite a few of my employees. Bad behavior exhibited- I was too tired or busy to confront it, chalked it up to a bad day,...it happens again, again choose to avoid it in hopes it will improve....and so it goes until the elephant is HUGE. This includes employees embezzling, changing time cards, you name it, if you choose to ignore warning signals the problem just escalates....it NEVER goes away or IMPROVES....:(hard lesson.

[sotagoon]

Dazzle....I could not find the "Can I save my mariage" thread. Is it possible to post a link?

 

I arrived home from work last Firday to find a portion of her things gone.

She took the bed she was sooooo interested in and a few of her items.

I had packed everything and moved it to the entryway for easy removal.

 

Anyway, I did not have the greatest weekend, due to the fact that my thoughts arre still consumed by what I am losing. Somehow though, for a short while on Friday evening, I felt indifferent.

 

The "elephant" in the room analogy is pretty spot on. I guess my approach was bad, but I always thought that deep down, she loved me and US, and that she just had other issues that contributed to her moods. I understand now that this is wrong, and if addressed at the time, probably would have meant the end to the relationship earlier. That was a fear of mine because of how much I cared for her. I will admit that I always wanted to make life easier for her, but I NEVER tried to solve her emotional issues....I was very concious of that.

 

I am sad today, because I am anticipating the day when I return home to find all of her things gone....signalling the point of no return.

 

I still go round and round in my head about why the first 1/2 of the relationship was nothing like this? Very respectable and mutual and not in the least bit tense. It seemed to change when I became a more responsible person.

 

I never expected her to drastically change, I just thought that with time she would see that real life isn't always roses, and in turn, how my demeanor was sometimes not high on a cloud. Isn't that how couple work?...when one is down, the other is there to help pick them up?

 

The one thing I will say, is that the times when she came back, it always seemed as though I was the one to work on something and change, and not really her. In fact, each time seemed like she was a little MORE half way out the door so to say. Never really fully re-invested.

 

I'm not sure what I can do, if anything to convey to her that I still care for her? I was turned off the other day when we spoke. I asked her how she was feeling..in relation to cancer treatment, and she told me "I have a cold". She then proceeded to speak to me like I was a stranger on the street....not someone who shared 8 years together. Kind of like she prefered that I STOP caring about her at all.

 

My ability to move on is not very strong right now, but I guess I really have no other option now.

 

I pray that she stays healthy and upbeat and somehow comes to have a better relationship with her father....because she deserves it and so does he.

Edited January 18, 2010 by sotagoon

[dazzle22]

How do you post a link. I can't figure it out.

[sotagoon]

I think just copy the address from your address bar and paste it in the reply window?

 

Otherwise there is a button on the reply window..up top...it lookis like a globe with a chain on the bottom.

[sotagoon]

Dazzle...I found the post and pasted it below.

 

While reading it I became almost physically ill because of how it made me feel like I changed over time.

 

I truly was not overly BETA when we first met. In fact, I almost think like she retrained me to be this way. SHe always seemed to need some sort of help with something and in the end, I always made sure she wasn't struggling with things.

 

I mean, we never shared anything financially. It was all me. She was a student and made very little...what should I have done...thrown her out?

 

I feel really bad right now because I can tell you that she has lost all attraction to me. We had not had sex for about 6-7 months before she left...but this was due to her feeling terrible and physically unable to due to cancer treatment and surgery. I wanted to so bad, but just not possible.

 

Anyway...I know exactly how to have the balance....but it's like certain factors created the perfect storm of BETA.

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

ATHOLK post from last year

 

It's very hard to get my entire approach to marriage in this format down, and to be honest it's mostly working best in making average/good relationships better, rather than salvaging bad ones. Once people have cheated or otherwise checked out of reality it's really hard to bring that back to what it was.

 

Loosely summarized - women respond to men exhibiting positive versions of two primary male traits called Alpha Male and Beta Male.

 

Alpha Male is devoted to physicality, assertiveness, leadership, social dominance, healthy genes, raw sexual energy, power and at times even violence. The positive version is thats of an inspiring protector and the not so positive is simply a thug. This is the male aspect that just gets panties wet and triggers attraction. Thugs still get panties wet, they are just scary to be a relationship with.

 

The Beta Male is devoted to personality traits that ultimately are good for rasing children. Work ethic, building the nest, kindess, parenting skills, listening, holding a job, controlling anger and sexual energy, art, language and creativity. The positive version is the family man that provides and supports, the negative version is the mangina that gives away all relationship power to the woman. Good Betas build relationship comfort. When the woman is given too much comfort and not enough attraction, she becomes bored with her partner. Often the begining of the end. (Queue up the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech.)

 

The man needs to develop and show both Alpha and Beta traits over a long term relationship and show them appropriately. Most men typically do better with one or the other of these traits, and in times of pressure (like a break up) just act more and more from their position of natural strength. Natural Alpha's get bigger and louder and become scarier and even less reliable. Natural Beta's do more stuff for the woman and bore her to death with their neediness even faster. So more often than not, their natural reaction to relationship stress just intensifies the relationship problem.

 

So if you're too Beta the solution is to add Alpha. If you're too Alpha, the solution is to add Beta.

 

It is exceptionally important to balance both positive traits in a long term relationship. Women have a monthly sexual cycle with changing hormones that affects what they are more attracted to throughout the month. For about three weeks of the month women respond more positively to Beta Male behavior. But when she is ovulating Alpha Male behavior is highly attractive. Importantly - while ovulation is only a small part of the month, this is when she will make her most critical sexual decisions and is at her horniest. Husbands that fail to display Alpha traits specially during ovulation run a higher risk for being either abandoned, cheated on, or rasing children they think are theirs but aren't.

 

In terms of myself, I more naturally fall along lines of Beta behavior. My marriage has always been decent, but I've seen many improvements by learning to up the Alpha stuff.

 

Also a common misconception is that Alpha behavior involves some sort of aggression towards the wife (yelling, hitting, property destruction, issuing demands, bossing her about etc) These things do work to change her behavior, but only in the very short term as they undercut the positive Beta traits and ultimately destory the relationship. Ultimately the best Alpha display is that you're just going to make your way into the world with confidence and just succeed at whatever it is that you're going to do. Opinions of the rest of the world be damned, you're your own man. And like a huge truck on the interstate, you just create a huge hole in the air that makes following you easy.

[mem11363]

Sotagoon,

You have 90 percent of the equation NAILED. A good job, I bet you are smart and interesting and fun to talk to.

 

The last 10 percent is all about an intangible that is critical to the health of a long term relationship. That 10 percent is all about being alpha. Go read about that - go find out how this works and then apply it. Might be too late for this marriage - but it will work wonders in your next one.

 

An alpha - when he is being treated badly - reacts in a powerful way. Not a yelling, screaming childish manner. That is pure aggression and frankly while scary it is counterproductive. A real alpha is able to inject a scary edge into his voice - ask some very painful questions and then let the lame/pathetic answers he gets just hang there until his partner - squirming in anxiety says "I am sorry for being such a total biitch". At which point he says "I forgive you". He does not say "oh you weren't being..." that is the worst thing you can do. Accept the apology as given and move on.

 

But an alpha is also NOT clingy. And has enough self esteem to not emotionally crowd the woman he is with.

 

You have asked almost nothing from this woman - other then sex - and she simply does not respect you. NO ONE needs to be in school for 8 years. That much school is simply work avoidance.

 

She has lost respect for you because you lack that 10 percent. And maybe you are not mentally able to pull this off - meaning maybe you are just a pure beta conflict avoidant guy. If so, you will have a difficult time finding a woman who will "stay" in love with you. Falling is easier then staying.

 

There is a guy named Atholk explains this better then anyone else. If you ask - I will find you his best post on the subject.

 

 

Most of these things are correct...with one exception...I don't give when unsolicited. If a friend or family ASKS for help, I give it...no questions asked.

 

I get it about the "groove"..that makes perfect sense.

 

I believe over time and through the past episodes of her departures, my passiveness probably became more prevalent in worry of losing her again.

Probably even more pronounced when she was diagnosed with cancer. (9 months ago)

 

The "lock & key" thing probably makes alot of sense because it seems that she brings that out in me, almost in the exact nature she does with her father. He has and is always there to help her with anything and she hates it, but when she is in dire straits, guess what....he's there.

 

The CP aspect is also there......I think it is just always the straw that breaks the camels back and in turn makes her want to leave.

 

A few weeks after she was diagnosed with cancer, she was being really upsetting and disrespectful and I told her that her cancer was no excuse to treat me like garbage. Her response was "I hate being here."

 

Somehow she stayed all the way through chemo, surgery, and radiation all the while asking me to stay with her in the hospital, and bring her this and that and "I love you", "I miss you"...etc.

 

I see that this situation is un-healthy for me, I just wish there was a way to change the dynamic to make it work like the first 3-4 years.

[Chrome Barracuda]

SOG. You need to understaned blaiming yourself right now isnt helping. This woman from what you posted has so many damn issues!!!!

 

She left you multiple times and came back? WTF who does that?

 

Matter of fact what kind of man are you to take her back! Dont you want self respect and pride?

 

Then you gonna demand it in your life!

 

She did you a favor. and nothing you did or would have done would have changed the outcome. There are some people in this world that's never gonna be satisfied with what they have. so they blame others because "Your not making me happy" blah,blah,blah. I've heard it all before.

 

Concentrate on rebuilding your life without her.

[sotagoon]

I've been looking for the post but couldn't find it. Dazzle told me to look for your posting in that thread.

 

Point me in the right direction. I'm always looking for more info.

 

Anyway...I am at the point of realization that my relationship is most likely run over and left for dead. I am not really happy about this but have to find a way to accept it.

 

I think her motivation for coming back each time was probably because she needed a place to live for nothing for 8 years. We did have some things that were handled together, but apparently not enough to keep her interested.

 

Believe me, I always had/have my own s**t going on....not really home much, but when I was, I always made myself available. I'd always call on my way home to see what she needed....I guess I thought that was being courteous.

 

After she started cancer treatment, I probably became more BETA than ever, but what I thought was out of necessity.

 

Nonetheless, I think her issues as well as my pockets of MANGINA-NESS probably hit at the wrong times and created a FATHER-DAUGHTER type scenario. I don't know....when the love of your life is sick....isn't that the time to be most available?

[sotagoon]

SOG. You need to understaned blaiming yourself right now isnt helping. This woman from what you posted has so many damn issues!!!!

 

She left you multiple times and came back? WTF who does that?

 

Matter of fact what kind of man are you to take her back! Dont you want self respect and pride?

 

Then you gonna demand it in your life!

 

She did you a favor. and nothing you did or would have done would have changed the outcome. There are some people in this world that's never gonna be satisfied with what they have. so they blame others because "Your not making me happy" blah,blah,blah. I've heard it all before.

 

Concentrate on rebuilding your life without her.

 

Completely agree here......I am doing ok for the most part....I'm getting on with my life pretty well...in fact..in some ways....it is easier. Just the mental backslides that hit hard sometimes.

 

I have alot of self-respect and have started to re-build my esteem.

For the most part....my professional life in the last 3-5 years has been where I have taken the biggest hit.

 

When you provide everything and the money isn't what it used to be, it creates two things: High Stress and a feeling of inadequacy.

 

I think that my own feelings about this and the fear of losing her (cancer) made me become a stressed out mess sometimes.

[mem11363]

S,

You have a high level of self awareness and you clearly have a spine. As an objective 3rd party I just want to share some observations.

 

It is really hard to be alpha with someone who has cancer - so give yourself a pass on that. HOWEVER she may reappear in your life at some point when she needs money/a free place to stay etc. You need to simply say NO. You have etched a deep pattern of broken behavior with this woman and she WILL take advantage of you if she feels it is in her best interest.

 

And she will ALWAYS be able to play the cancer card with you which is not fair but it works fairly well.

 

She has hurt you enough - move on and start fresh. As for the pattern you described. Consider the lack of balance: You were working long hours doing a stressful job and providing her a nice lifestyle. And she had a pretty easy schedule. And yet it was you calling her on the way home asking if she needed anything. Why wasn't she calling/texting you at work and letting you know she was at the store - and asking if YOU needed anything.

 

 

 

Completely agree here......I am doing ok for the most part....I'm getting on with my life pretty well...in fact..in some ways....it is easier. Just the mental backslides that hit hard sometimes.

 

I have alot of self-respect and have started to re-build my esteem.

For the most part....my professional life in the last 3-5 years has been where I have taken the biggest hit.

 

When you provide everything and the money isn't what it used to be, it creates two things: High Stress and a feeling of inadequacy.

 

I think that my own feelings about this and the fear of losing her (cancer) made me become a stressed out mess sometimes.

[sotagoon]

S,

You have a high level of self awareness and you clearly have a spine. As an objective 3rd party I just want to share some observations.

 

It is really hard to be alpha with someone who has cancer - so give yourself a pass on that. HOWEVER she may reappear in your life at some point when she needs money/a free place to stay etc. You need to simply say NO. You have etched a deep pattern of broken behavior with this woman and she WILL take advantage of you if she feels it is in her best interest.

 

And she will ALWAYS be able to play the cancer card with you which is not fair but it works fairly well.

 

She has hurt you enough - move on and start fresh. As for the pattern you described. Consider the lack of balance: You were working long hours doing a stressful job and providing her a nice lifestyle. And she had a pretty easy schedule. And yet it was you calling her on the way home asking if she needed anything. Why wasn't she calling/texting you at work and letting you know she was at the store - and asking if YOU needed anything.

 

 

 

I appreciate the feedback. I will say this, she was considerate, but not consistently like I am.

 

I have to say that I don't think she will be showing up here in the future. This time just seems different. We had a trip planned for New Years to Mexico that I was a little concerned about the cost and timing but in the end was excited to go. As you can imagine, I did not end up going, but through the grapevine, I was made aware that she had another companion on the trip. I cancelled my ticket, so at least I didn't pay for anything, but in the end I was pretty upset by two things.....the first, that she would replace me so quickly, she has a habit of seeking male approval very quickly and the second, that I was concerned about cost because I pay all the bills. She on the other hand always had money to go on these little trips that I never harped on her for. In fact, I relished the alone time when she was gone some times.

 

I have friends that for years have asked me if I was happy and I always said YES!....But what did they see that made them ask me?...there must have been something that they saw and that I was missing?

[dazzle22]

I think relationships often go through fluxes of power, one time one partner has more power, another, it reverses. Often a person who is sick becomes very good at being the one with the power who starts to control the shots. Everyone changes around them, and soon much of life actually revolves AROUND them and their needs and desires of all kinds. And the power base totally can shift...that is why some people LIKE to be sick. My grandma was a master at that. Ran us all about like her little minions...

[sotagoon]

 

And she will ALWAYS be able to play the cancer card with you which is not fair but it works fairly well.

 

I'll be honest....I struggled with this exact thing. In fact I said something one time and I think she thought I was really insensitive for saying so.

 

But deep in my heart, she did play that card a few times.

 

You know, I know that my thoughts were always that she would just finish school, see how being responsible is the only way to progress in life and things would get better.

 

Now that she has 1 semester left and will be in the real world soon, I'm sure she will stumble with other relationships, and there probably won't be another man to treat her as well as I did....on maybe just not allow her to skate through as easily.

 

I really do hope that she stays healthy and live a long life. She deserves that.

[sotagoon]

I think relationships often go through fluxes of power, one time one partner has more power, another, it reverses. Often a person who is sick becomes very good at being the one with the power who starts to control the shots. Everyone changes around them, and soon much of life actually revolves AROUND them and their needs and desires of all kinds. And the power base totally can shift...that is why some people LIKE to be sick. My grandma was a master at that. Ran us all about like her little minions...

 

You know, this is exactly the case here. Somehow though, when she was finishing her treatments, she decided that I was too available and too giving.

It feels as though I could do no right.....be there when shee needed me and in the same breath...I was smothering.

 

I ran ragged for months, but in my mind all I thought about was...if the tables were turned....I would want her to be there....so that's what I did.

[sotagoon]

Today has been a pretty rough day mentally. Unfortunately I spend alot of my days alone in the car as I am in sales and cover a very large territory. This puts my mind in a tail spin alot of times.

 

For me, even though this isn't a new situation for me, I used to always think about what I went home to, and it just made even the bad days ok.

 

My mind and my heart feel like they are at war.

 

I can't help but over and over analyze why she wanted out and why she felt the need to make me feel like I wasn't doing enough, but in the same breath I was doing too much???!!!!

 

As I said before, I carried almost all of the burden from the standpoint of money, support and when the few times came up that I needed a little emotional/mental support I felt empty with no place to go?

 

I struggle with the idea that I have lost the ability to see what my purpose is....why I work so hard and why I can't seem to come to grips with the idea that I did my best but it still wasn't enough?

 

Would I have been better off being stand-offish or semi-absent?

 

I'm not sure how to re-train my brain to see that not having her in my life still gives me purpose to work as hard at everything as I do?

 

WOW...this has really done a number on me.

 

I gave and loved with no restrictions and now I find myself not even doing courteous things like holding doors for people..kinda like a chip on my shoulder?

[dazzle22]

That's ok. Sometimes we need to do an "overcorrection" before we come back to happy medium. The way you ruminate makes me feel you are still in the shock and disbelief stage of grief.

[mem11363]

S,

It really really is ok to be nice and to be giving. It is. But you have to keep a certain amount of emotional space between you and your partner. You need to avoid giving them that I will always love you feeling because most people react badly to that. It makes them love YOU less.

 

As for her - I bet when she was really mean to you and then just stopped being mean you immediately forgave her. BAD MOVE. Pain given needs to be given back. And I don't say that lightly.

 

 

Today has been a pretty rough day mentally. Unfortunately I spend alot of my days alone in the car as I am in sales and cover a very large territory. This puts my mind in a tail spin alot of times.

 

For me, even though this isn't a new situation for me, I used to always think about what I went home to, and it just made even the bad days ok.

 

My mind and my heart feel like they are at war.

 

I can't help but over and over analyze why she wanted out and why she felt the need to make me feel like I wasn't doing enough, but in the same breath I was doing too much???!!!!

 

As I said before, I carried almost all of the burden from the standpoint of money, support and when the few times came up that I needed a little emotional/mental support I felt empty with no place to go?

 

I struggle with the idea that I have lost the ability to see what my purpose is....why I work so hard and why I can't seem to come to grips with the idea that I did my best but it still wasn't enough?

 

Would I have been better off being stand-offish or semi-absent?

 

I'm not sure how to re-train my brain to see that not having her in my life still gives me purpose to work as hard at everything as I do?

 

WOW...this has really done a number on me.

 

I gave and loved with no restrictions and now I find myself not even doing courteous things like holding doors for people..kinda like a chip on my shoulder?

[sotagoon]

That's ok. Sometimes we need to do an "overcorrection" before we come back to happy medium. The way you ruminate makes me feel you are still in the shock and disbelief stage of grief.

 

I see what you're saying....but I seem to bounce back and forth between acceptance and anger every day.

When I say anger....it seems to be anger with the fact that I failed and that I'm losing the woman I love most because of my own fear????

 

I can honestly say that I have come to realize that she is not there, and that I really don't have the ability to make her return. This I can say because I don't have to urges to beg, plead or rationalize with her anymore. Where I get stuck, is the idea of accepting that I failed.

 

 

S,

It really really is ok to be nice and to be giving. It is. But you have to keep a certain amount of emotional space between you and your partner. You need to avoid giving them that I will always love you feeling because most people react badly to that. It makes them love YOU less.

 

As for her - I bet when she was really mean to you and then just stopped being mean you immediately forgave her. BAD MOVE. Pain given needs to be given back. And I don't say that lightly.

 

I'm beginning to think that my struggle with my own worries about her illness crowded her emotionally. Any time anyone asked me about how she is/was doing, they usually also asked me how I was doing? She made a point to always let me know that her illness was in no way about me, so my answer most of the time was just that...."It's not about me." I struggled alot with the idea that I am entirely helpless in this case. I think I became somewhat mentally parylized and in turn was probably pretty emotionally unstable. I'm sure she smelled this and ran!

 

Trust me, I already know that nothing I do or don't do is going to change the situation now, it's just that I can't figure out how to change my mindset. It seems that in order to do this, I need to give up entirely?

Edited January 21, 2010 by sotagoon

[Trojan John]

Trust me, I already know that nothing I do or don't do is going to change the situation now, it's just that I can't figure out how to change my mindset. It seems that in order to do this, I need to give up entirely?

 

Uh, yeah.

 

Again, get your keys back or change your locks. Put ALL of her sthings outside and make her get it at once. If she doesn't, tant pis.

 

Stop torturing yourself.

[sotagoon]

Hi

This is obviously just my opinion, but get a copy of the book He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter, I think you will find it is like reading about her.

 

Lisa....I read the book cover to cover today and I'll say that I would classify her as an "Active" avoider.

 

I'm not sure that I would call myself a "Passive" avoider, however, I'm interested to know if it is possible that I BECAME passive in reaction to her?

 

Early on in our relationship, during arguments, she would say "I'm leaving" and she would just get in her car and leave. I would always say to her, "If you are going to leave now, take ALL of your things and stay gone." That for the most part would either keep her there or she would say, "I'm not leaving, I'm just gonna get some air." That always bothered me.

 

I'm not sure how or if this applies to her disposition, but for me, it was always "Me and her..against the world" and I'd talk about that and she'd always just kinda look at me like a confused puppy? I figured that would just change with time. (I've always envied that about some of my friends and their wives/GF's)

 

I am doing ok physically each day, I have been able to get back to being me at work and for the most part at home. I'm struggling with fact that I have to WONDER why?

 

I have been reading so much about this, that I feel like I am starting to get confused. I am still of the thought that my part in this is the major reason for the end...not sure why, but I want to change my mindset...just not sure how to believe that?

 

I have finally started to slowly lose the respect I have for her...and it bothers me...I love her, but I'm starting to question why?...Why invest in a love bank that doesn't pay dividends?