Hit by the train - #3

[sotagoon]

I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle without going absolutely crazy.

 

Today I returned home from work to find that my estranged GF was in the house today and fetched a few things she thought would be nice to take on the vacation we planned months ago that she is still going on tomorrow without me. (With her friends/couples...planned that way)

 

I have basically a staple set of items that I take when I travel like a perfect sized bag for carry-on, NC headphones, neck pillow...etc.

 

I have always willingly let her use these items if she were traveling without me.

 

Mind you that I have not heard from or seen her since the day she walked out.

She had been here a few other times (planned) to pick up items, however I have been locking the doors since she left. ( Hard to explain....don't really lock the house normally, due to where I live....pretty safe)

 

I just don't get it....she still has things here...and I mean alot of things.....but it seems when she comes.....she only takes what is of immediate need?

 

It really hurt today when I noticed that there were items gone that are mine..and that I normally would have been taking with me on our vacation had I still been going.

 

My emotions are all over and I still wish she would see the "light".

 

Are women really this insensitive to how much these things hurt?

 

I have NEVER cheated on her, or done anything but be there for her through thick and thin.

 

Now she is not by my side, and in some ways is so turned off by the thought of even talking to me. Why is it that I am still good for the comforts and luxuries if I am no longer wanted?

 

I'm hurting really bad right now....I just don't understand?

 

THis is the 3rd time she has left and I'm almost sure there is an OM.

Never the same one....but somehow I'm not good enough either?

 

WTF?

[dazzle22]

You need to remember that this is a lot about HER pathology and the way she grew up to be a very insensitive person, more than it has to do about anything wrong with YOU. And it is not just women who do this. I have come to believe that there are two types of PEOPLE in general. Those that are kindhearted, considerate, loyal, and then those who have the cold heart of a lizard. I don't think we need to discuss which category she falls in given what she has done, do you?

[sotagoon]

In a state of panic, fear, and somehow strength...I decided that I would go through the house this week while I was on vacation from work (she's on the vacation we planned ages ago) and pack every single thing that is hers up.

 

The day before she left for the trip...I sent her a text message (She won't even take a phone call after 8 years--this hurts alot) telling her that I would pack all of her things, and to plan on picking them up when she returned.

Her response was a simple "ok"

Now my house is full of boxes and it feels like I'm waiting for the plug to be pulled and the water to drain out????....This hurts!!!!

 

After packing EVERYTHING....I am having a really hard time finding a way to be "ok" with this. It feels like my world is crashing down and that I am losing everything I have worked for to this point.

 

I am for the first time in my life feeling completely powerless and anxious.

 

This morning on my way home after working out...I broke down in tears as I do most of the time when I head for home.

 

It has been 9 weeks, and this time as opposed to the other times she has left, there has been an extremely limited amount of contact.

Why am I having such a hard time with this?......It isn't getting any better.

 

I'm lost...and I keep saying that..but it's really how I feel.

 

What is the best way to work this out for myself?

[Trojan John]

Put her sh*t out on the curb and change your f*cking locks already.

 

Go see a professional counselor for your emotional distress.

 

Move on.

[dazzle22]

Totally agree with Trojan John. Read the book I suggested and see a therapist.

 

In your next to last post you said, you don't feel GOOD ENOUGH. That is your core problem here. That is why you feel so terribly empty and bereft. Self esteem issues. Feeling that if YOU had only been GOOD ENOUGH she wouldn't have left. This is incorrect thinking. The reason she behaves the way she does has to do with HER pathology of love 'em and leave 'em. She will do this to the next guy too. A guy with a health self esteem would say, hey, if she can't see what she had, her loss! Now of course, having healthy self esteem is often harder done than said, and takes a lot of self examination and work. Again, therapy. Good luck.

[sotagoon]

Dazzle....per your advice I read "Women Who Love Too Much".

 

I can relate most similarly to the 3rd story....Suffer for love.

Although I didn't have a similar childhood...I think that I became THE provider for my family when I was 21 and this in turn caused me to value my worth by others comfort.

 

I will say this, I have become aware that because I was the bread-winner for most of my relationship, I always made it my first priority. Early in our relationship it was not as stressful as I had more financial stability. When my career changed and I was no longer as stable (for 2 people) I became very stressed. I wasn't the same "care-free" PRINCE that she met.

 

After fighting to get her back twice before (she walked 2 other times) I was terrified when she was diagnosed with cancer. I worried i'd lose her to cancer. I told myself that nothing meant more than what I needed to do to sustain our quality of life, so that she could concentrate on getting better.

I'm beginning to think that my struggle at work to provide, brought me to project an image of low self worth. I never wanted anything more than for her to get better and continue to be together. (Sometimes I wished she just understood that I was stressed out.)

 

When she was getting to the end of treatment, I think she decided to begin her departure. I'm not sure of this, but I think the idea of mortality may have caused her to rethink our relationship, and because it wasn't perfect, that she would go find better.

 

It is apparent that she has found someone new, and with days of leaving I have come to find out. This makes me feel like garbage.

 

I have always put her/us above all else. Made decisions for the best of US.

 

So now when I think about what went wrong, all I think about is how the relationship became "less fun". For me, I just knew that we would get through it. Now, she has her new "FUN".

 

I know that men can sometimes become so focussed on work or a project, that they neglect to maintain the relationship. For me, in order to keep a standard of living, I was kind of forced to do this. Does this mean that the relationship was doomed? I would have lived in a cardboard box if it meant keeping my relationship together!

 

My esteem right now is very low...due in part to the fact that I am now on my own, less financially stable than years ago, and fearful of the future both at work, in my personal life and the idea that I am not the man I was when I met her. What do I have to offer anyone else and that I may never get back to being that person I was back then.

 

I have said it before and I'll say it again, I don't like the person she is now, and I would never want that person if she wanted back.

 

My needs were very little, and yet what I provided, be it at the cost of my own happiness, is what took US down.

 

I never changed inside, how I loved her, what I would do for her, and what I wanted us to be. Why wasn't this good enough?

[sotagoon]

Something I forgot to add.....my family all tell me that I should get "MAD".

 

They say this because they think it is the key to moving on.

 

Something in me won't allow me to be mad at her. I love her more than anything. (Yeah..even though she left)

 

Is there something wrong with me because I can't feel this way?

[dazzle22]

I am so glad you got the book. You are starting to see your part in this. Yes, you suffer for love. And you not getting angry is part of that....it is appropriate to show some anger when someone walks all over you. But there is a part of you that is kind of a "martyr suffer in silence" and you need to look at that. There is a part in the book on that as you know...

 

Thanks for the update! Sometimes it is discouraging to put a lot of thought into a post and never hear back.

[sotagoon]

Dazzle....You should know that I had begun to type a response almost every day since I read the book.

 

I have been so all over the place with my emotions that I just delete what I was writing in pure discouragement.

 

I have been so low the last 2 weeks, that getting out of bed each morning seems like an earth moving event.

 

There are things that still need to be separated and I can't even get her to talk to me. I really feel like garbage because of this. What did I do that is so terrible that she can't even speak to me after 8 years?

 

Thank you for your support.

[dazzle22]

People who love too much always think when a relationship goes south that it is something THEY DID or DID not do correctly that was the cause, and if only they could have acted more perfectly, the event would not have happened. That is not accurate thinking, my friend...

[sotagoon]

I understand that thinking, but I can honestly say that I don't think I have to take all of the onus here.

 

When she left the 1st time (3 years ago) I was the one who committed to working on me, and I did. She came back.

 

The 2nd time she left, again, it was me that needed work.....and I did.

She came back.

 

Through all of the ups and downs all I wanted to do was be the best partner I could be. The most supportive and unselfish.

 

Sometimes I can't help but think that no matter how I changed, because I did each time in the areas she said were bothersome, the outcome would be the same....Her wanting to leave.

 

How is it possible that I could be so supportive and open to change, but yet it isn't good enough?

 

God.....please grant me the peace to accept the outcome and please do everything in your power to help her stay healthy and happy.

[Angel1111]

This person has really treated you badly yet you continue to let her do it. If someone walked out on me like that without any warning, they wouldn't get another chance to do it again. I'm not trying to be mean but she just doesn't value you or your qualities at all, and the more you're willing to put up with her disrespectful behavior, the less she respects you. I know, it's a catch-22 situation, but I'll guarantee you that if you would just put your foot down and not put up with her behavior any more, then she'd stop doing these things. Change the locks on your house, tell her to have her mail forwarded, and stop answering her calls and emails. I give her 2 wks to a month before she comes to your door begging forgiveness. But if you continue on this trek you're on where you just let her do this stuff to you, she'll end up with someone else. Women never respect a man who lets her walk all over him. And to lose a woman's respect is to lose it all.

[sotagoon]

I think in this situation the "respect" train left the station before I met her.

 

I always thought it was wierd that she really didn't respect her dad at all, yet expected him to be there any time she needed him.

 

Whenever I have put my foot down in the past, it actually made things worse..she would tell me that I'm controlling.

 

I understand that respect is paramount, but at what cost is putting your foot down the best idea?

 

At this stage, I think that we are at the point of no return. I am afraid that the "foot down" stage is not even a possibility anymore.

 

Now after typing this...I'm beginning to think that I am an idiot for thinking this would ever work. Maybe the problem is that she doesn't respect any man because of her relationship with her father????

 

Anyway...you are right....It's just that I think it's too late.

[Angel1111]

I think in this situation the "respect" train left the station before I met her.

 

It doesn't matter who she didn't respect before she met you. We all teach people how to treat us. The problem is, you're not willing to let her go if she doesn't respect you. You don't have a line that she can't cross. It's all open-ended. This is the biggest mistake anyone could make. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but that's the way it works. If you want something so badly that you'll do anything to keep it, you're bound to lose it. If you draw a line in the sand that no one crosses, then you'll get a whole different response.

 

I don't think you have necessarily reached the point of no return. You can get her attention by sticking to your standards. If she sees that as controlling, though, then so be it. If you continue to stick to your standards, then you'll stop attracting people who don't respect you.

[sotagoon]

 

I don't think you have necessarily reached the point of no return. You can get her attention by sticking to your standards.

 

I'm not quite sure what to think here.....she has moved out and she will not speak to me for some reason.

 

The other times she left, she would speak to me and we had some moderarte contact. In my opinion....she is seeing someone else right now and must really be getting what I didn't provide?

 

When we met, she was not like this, she was respectful to me and we had a great realtionship. It seems that when it became more equal (responsibilities) is when she started to drift.

 

I'm a big picture person, so for me, taking care of the majority of the responsibilities was just a way to get where we wanted to go. Along the way, the stress of carrying so much made me less "FUN".

 

When she found out that having kids would not be possible (result of cancer treatment) she told me there was no reason to be together anymore. She told me that she came back last time because we could move forward and start our family.

 

I know that cancer can and probably does change a person, so I was accepting of whatever she needed.

 

I'm just so lost, because I lost the love of my life...the woman I was going to grow old with....and why.....money?....not able to have kids?.....??????

 

I know I have to accept that I can't force her to do anything..but does she just not see that I love her more than anyone else on this earth?

Edited January 11, 2010 by sotagoon

[sotagoon]

I'm not quite sure what to think here.....she has moved out and she will not speak to me for some reason.

 

 

Her exact quote to me was "This relationship just didn't work."

[nobmagnet]

oh honey.

 

Why oh why do they do this??

 

I am sat here reading you post and thinking "yes thats him, Yes that him, Yes that too"

 

Its an impossible situation your in. Have you looked up narssist on google? Do it if you havent. It will give you a greater understanding of waht you lived with

 

 

I feel your pain as I am there too. My lowly work has no idea of the pain he cause. He takes no responsibility for it and never will

 

Nobxx

[Angel1111]

When she found out that having kids would not be possible (result of cancer treatment) she told me there was no reason to be together anymore. She told me that she came back last time because we could move forward and start our family.

 

I know that cancer can and probably does change a person, so I was accepting of whatever she needed.

 

I'm just so lost, because I lost the love of my life...the woman I was going to grow old with....and why.....money?....not able to have kids?.....??????

 

I know I have to accept that I can't force her to do anything..but does she just not see that I love her more than anyone else on this earth?

 

She has left you for the third time - this can't be a surprise to you that she's not going to be the one you will grow old with. In your heart of hearts, you had to know that, or at least suspect it. I know it hurts but we can all save ourselves a lot of heartache if we would just read the signs and know when something isn't based on a secure foundation. She has always behaved in a flaky manner and this does not make for a long-lasting relationship. It's like buying gorgeous home built on quicksand. No matter how great the house is, no matter how beautiful or how much it fills our needs, we cannot ever get around the problem of the quicksand. That house is guaranteed to sink.

 

Cancer didn't change her - she was like this already. She has left you twice before without an explanation. I don't know if you know this or not but that is very extreme and cruel behavior. Very few people do this. Her rationale about not being able to have kids makes no sense at all. If the relationship "just isn't working" from her point of view, why on earth would she consider having kids with you? I have to tell you, this woman is all over the place and has no focus whatsoever. I hope you will get past this and find a woman who would appreciate your great qualities. Honestly, she doesn't deserve you.

 

And, yes, she probably does realize how much you love her but you keep trying to base her actions on how you would think, on how you would react. She doesn't think like you - at all. She doesn't reason like a normal person - at all. Just the thing about leaving you without warning is so cruel, so irresponsible, and so immature that it's inexcusable. Unless you were abusive to her, then there's no excuse for that kind of treatment. She is very callous and this is the thing you seem to refuse to see.

 

I would never, ever walk out on anyone without giving them a chance to fix the problem, nor would I leave without letting them know I was going to do it. I can't fathom her level of cruelty and lack of caring toward you. She is extremely self-centered. She shows no gratitude even for the way you took care of her while she was sick. I'm not sure how you have any respect left for her after all of this. You may think it's really noble to stick with someone no matter what they do, but it's really not. It just shows an inablity to see reality and the inability to be self-protective. If I were you, I'd step back and take a cold, hard look at the situation for what it is - because from where I'm sitting, it doesn't give me a very warm, fuzzy feeling at all.

 

The bottom, bottom line? This relationship just isn't working for her and that's why she keeps disappearing. You can't make her want what she doesn't want, for whatever reason she doesn't want it. I'm sorry. People like this can consume years of your life - years that you could spend being with someone who does appreciate you. Don't let this person waste anymore of your life.

Edited January 11, 2010 by Angel1111

[sotagoon]

Angeleyes.....your perspective is very insightful based on my situation.

 

I understand that from yours and others view, it seems as though this shouldn't be such a hard thing for me to get over. Yes, I did give this my best, and multiple chances, but I just can't find a way to understand where I missed the boat?

 

I guess that I always thought that when there is unconditional love, that all else will take care of itself.

 

I know that life is short, believe me.....I lost my father when I was 21.

I have always been proud to be a loyal and unselfish person...but it is apparent to me that this is not the best way to be....in the end...you get burned.

 

How does something like this go on for 8 years if it really just doesn't work?

 

I'm thoroughly lost here....can't seem to accept that this came to this point.

 

Is this my ego?....I guess I never thought of myself as egotistical?

[Angel1111]

Unconditional love does exist, and it is good to be loyal and unselfish - but when you give those things to a person who doesn't appreciate them, they might as well not exist. In the great scheme of things, those qualities didn't have value to her.

 

I never said that I don't understand why you haven't gotten over this. All I'm saying is that the signs were all there and you must've known that this relationship wasn't stable. Are you truly surprised that it has come to this? I mean, really? As I said before, someone walking out on you without warning - even once - is a HUGE indicator that you've got big problems with this person. Doing it a second time is just another alarm bell that you chose to ignore. It was just a matter of time before the third train wreck happened. This is why it's important to read the early signs in a relationship because once you've invested your time and emotions after years and years, then this is what happens - we end up hurting.

 

Knowing that there were signs isn't about blaming you. It actually means that you have control over your relationships. When you SEE that a person is disrespecting you or that the relationship is tumultuous, it's your cue to either fix it or get out. I don't think you're egotistical but I do think there's a part of you that believes that relationships are about drama. And you seem to have no sense of self-preservation (i.e., your tolerance level is too high). Once you begin to change your view of what a good and solid relationship looks like, you'll stop attracting flakey people who bring the drama in your life.

Edited January 12, 2010 by Angel1111

[Chrome Barracuda]

Deep down inside she did you a huge favor. a few months from now when your ready to make a fresh start on your own your gonna realize why did i waste my time on a flakey broad.

 

Who cannot bear me children, who will not be faithful or loyal.

 

What kind of man would fight for a woman that does that???

 

Dude wake up and smell the coffee. You dont have a marriage, you have a never ending power struggle. She'll come back by the time your moving on andf throw a wrench in your plans because emotionally she knows your weak minded and let her walk right over you.

 

Change that, by letting her go.

[sotagoon]

You know I suppose you are right in that she isn't going to relent on the power struggle.

 

I have always seen the good in her, and even though the signs point to her being flakey or flighty, she stood by me during a really rough time early in our relationship. That's why I don't understand how my unconditional commitment to her isn't something that kept her here?

 

We all have our issues, me included, so finding someone that is a "perfect" fit really isn't possible. As I'm sure is the case in any relationship, everyone weighs the pros and cons and comes to a point where they decide that they either need accept the flaws and hope that they are bearable or bail.

 

What can make a person say that they miss you and love you one day and the next day they are out the door?

 

I'll never understand how someone sees that the other person is whole-heartedly committed to them and sees no value? What is the purpose of getting into that relationship if this is NOT the ultimate goal?

 

Thanks again for all of the support.....I'm not sure I'd be half-sane without it.

[dazzle22]

You keep asking the WRONG questions about why your relationship failed. I am going to give you an analogy. Now don't think that I think your girlfriend is a "dog", just go with the analogy....

 

You are a person with a loving heart who rescued a beautiful dog that had a hard life on the streets. No predictable mothering or fathering, or discipline or training, love and leave 'em with all owners...

 

. You take this dog home, give it tremendous love, unconditional love, and when the dog runs off time after time, or turns and bites you for no reason, would it be reasonable to say, "what is wrong with me? What did I do wrong?" No, not reasonable. The rational thing to assume is, this dog has had a bad upbringing, bad experiences - that is why it left/bit me. It would leave/bite ANYONE ELSE TOO NOT JUST ME....

 

Now, you have your part in this too, of course, but that is her part. It is who she IS. You said yourself that she showed no respect for her father but expected him to be there when she wanted him to. WHOM DO YOU THINK SHE LEARNED ABOUT RELATING TO MEN FROM????

[sotagoon]

I hate to say it, but I see your point.

 

I keep asking myself that if I have to let all of this go, what can I grasp on to so that I can accept that letting her go is the right thing?

 

I know that I can't physically bring her back, only she can decide this. I know that begging, pleading and the such won't do any good.

 

It's just that over time, she asked me to change, improve and become a better partner.....for what?......so she would leave.

 

I feel as though as soon as I got closer to filling all the needs she had/has is when she started to drift away. Now I am left feeling completely empty and spent...without the partner I was so happy to share with.

 

My struggle is this....if I have to accept losing her....what can I rely on that will help me realize it's ok? for us both?

[dazzle22]

Well, I don't know what can make it feel ok, because from what I have seen of life, many things seem to happen that don't fit into some neat master plan or anything.

 

I sometimes tell my patients, and myself when I get down about some things that have happened in my life, "we can only play the hand of cards we are dealt. Yeah, it would be great to play a royal flush, but if those are not the cards in your hand, what can you do?? You have to play what you are dealt. The only other option is to fold your hand and walk away, and that's no good, right?"

 

You need to just accept this: You will no longer be able to save her from HERSELF, and this is in some way what you have tried desperately to do. You CAN'T. Not to belabor the dog analogy, but if this beautiful dog WANTS to run away and onto the freeway, what can you do????