We're taking a break- It hurts so much and I need to overcome my issues NOW!

[Thinkalot]

Hi everyone...

 

I'm am sad and depressed because my partner of 2 and a half years, with whom I have bought an engagement ring, and discussed detailed marriage plans, has asked that we break up for a month, then get together to "date" and take it from there.

 

We still love each other, but things have become very strained recently and he says he needs time to calm down and "breathe" and that I need to heal myself and fix my issues.

 

In short the main problem has been (as some of you Lshackers are aware!) that I have major insecurity/trust issues, and also suffer from obsessive compulsive thinking- I cannot stop thinking about his past and his ex-wife and feeling insecure, and competing with her and their life! It has driven the greatest love of my life away from me! I have received counselling and read books, and the problem has seemed to get better, but not go away ENTIRELY.

 

And the thing is, my bf has been patient for so long, he says he can't take anymore...at all ..of my questioning etc, EVEN if it is happening less. He has told me, quite fairly, that I need to heal myself, and that he does not like the person he has become with me lately (he gets angry, swears at me, is frustrated) and wants to get back a lighter feeling within himself. He said he has greived for us, but has reached a place where he is ready to move on if things don't change, even though he has never loved anyone as much as he has loved me.

 

At first, yesterday, he called things off for good after I started questioning him on something trivial in his past. I felt devastated and cried and asked if we could take a kinda "time out" so that we could each feel better and I could fix myself up properly, and then to resume "dating". I am hoping that space, however painful for me, will help us both, and allow us to fall back in love.

 

He said he loves me and is happy to do that, hoping it will work. But he is also ready to walk away from this if it isn't much improved, and if I am not much improved, and a happier , balanced person once more. He is on that edge basically.

 

I am crying a lot, and he is being so caring and supportive with me, because he does still love me. He even held me in bed all night last night, just to be close and comfort me. But we both do agree, things need to change.

 

I am moving out of our home, and will live between my mum's and dad's places (this seemed the easiest thing, as his relatives live further away). I am doing this on Xmas Eve. So sad, right on Christmas, to have to part.

 

I have decided to look for another counsellor. And also to see a GP. I have tried so many things to overcome my problems, and am a little desperate and not sure where to turn. I think I need time to think about my life, and relationship and be happy and relaxed, away from him. One of my friends thinks I may need anti-depressants, but I am quite anxious about taking such a step and using drugs, as I am usually into more alternative therapies. However, if nothing else helps, then maybe...?

 

I am at once very shaken and upset, but also hoping this will work out for us. I am also terrified he will drift away from me. I love him very much, and before all this happened, we were planning to get married this September. He has told me to focus on myself and getting better, and said he is open to "us" working out.

 

Any advice please, on what steps I could/should take now, to help things get better, with myself, and then of course, with my guy??

[Thinkalot]

P.S. I'd love to hear from anyone who has actually taken anti-depressants and found them to be helpful, or otherwise.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks Guidette for the warm support

 

I will be taking some time out to soul search and just try and be me. Did you mean to imply that by improving my own confidence/esteem etc that it will be easier to trust? That's the theory I am working on anyway.

 

As for it being something " I can't control", it certainly has felt that way. Yet I believe we can all learn to take back control of our minds. I am aiming to get there..so that even if I am more inclined to worry than others, I wont let it control me!

 

I am glad you have found your confidence.

[Quixotic_Dancer]

I can really relate to what you're saying. I have suffered from low self-esteem all my life, and that leads directly to a lack of trust in relationships. I know for me, it's often translated into a sense of "How can you really love me, how can I trust your feelings, when I don't feel I'm worth anyone's love." I also have a problem with comparing myself to others, including the former partners of whomever I'm with, and fearing that I'll come out badly in the comparison. Oh, insecurity is a curse!

 

But we have to remember, you, me, everyone, that all humans have value and are worthy of being loved. It can be a hard message to hear with all the other negative messages we can get from society...but it's true.

 

I wish I could offer you the magic bullet, but I think there are many roads to wholeness. It's great that you're trying a new counsellor.

 

Like you, I'm distrustful of medication, leery of taking it, but I have many friends who've been helped by anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs. So, I think it's also a good move that you're seeing your GP.

 

You also say that you're interested in alternative remedies. I have a few suggestions. Your thinking sounds so much like mine...I know that when I'm obsessing about something, fearing something, my mind will just race and race...it's what my counselor calls "gerbil brain". Anything you could do to quiet your mind then could be helpful, though I know it's not easy to do. So, I want to suggest meditation, but meditation comes in many forms. Taking long, somewhat strenuous walks or hikes can be meditative. So can swimming, or any form of exercise. There's tai chi, yoga...I'm sure you know the list. My point is that, if you're anything like me, the insecurity, fear, and panic can take you over, make you paranoid, and those are probably not good times to talk to your partner. Not that there might not be valid issues that you need to discuss with him, but if you can quiet your mind before you do so, I think it can only help.

 

I feel for you, I'm sorry you're hurting, and I hope that you can find some peace, both you and your boyfriend. It sounds like he really loves you, and I hope you can work things out.

[autumnlover]

hi,

i am sorry to hear that you are sad. i would be too. i have never taken a break from anyone..i said i wanted to but never went throught with it. it seems like you are scared and i can understand that but i have to also say that Guidette82 has a very good point as well. i think you should take the time to find yourself. if you want to go on anti depressants...i would talk to your doctor first and see what they recommend. personally..i have been an paxil and that worked wonders for me.

 

i hope i have helped you out a bit and i hope that you feel better soon...if you ever need anything else...you know where to find us. GOOD LUCK!!!!

[moimeme]

I am very sorry it has come to this for you

 

One of my friends thinks I may need anti-depressants, but I am quite anxious about taking such a step and using drugs, as I am usually into more alternative therapies. However, if nothing else helps, then maybe...?

 

If you're not seeing a psychiatrist, see one ASAP. Anti-depressants seem to be the drug of choice to treat obsessive thoughts but you will need to be managed to find the right drug and dosage.

 

Do yourself a favour; get 'Change Your Brain, Change Your Life' by Dr. Daniel Amen. It is an excellent resource which explains which areas of the brain govern which sorts of thoughts and behaviours and suggests treatments of all sorts for each sort of problem. He is a very reputable neuroscientist and psychiatrist and the book is a fascinating read if you want to know how your grey matter controls your thoughts.

[sunnie23]

i went through the same thing, the insecurity and obsessive thinking. i have not yet had the strength to go to a therapist, as i have a difficult time with trusting my issues to someone i don't know, but my gp did put me on effexor to help me cope. my relationship fell apart, but it was more due to the fact that we weren't good together than my issues.

 

i am finding it easier to live now that i'm on them. i've tried dating since i've been single, and although it has been difficult, i have noticed that little things that would be a bigdeal before are no longer a problem. also, before, with my ex, if something heppened it would affect my everyday life, i wouldn't be able to eat, work, etc. now i can finction when things get rough.

 

i reccomend going on the meds. they really have helped me greatly.

[Thinkalot]

Thank you all for the support. I would like to say that my bf and I have decided to spend xmas time together. It just felt too painful to be apart when we love each other so much. Even though my bf was pushed to ask for a break, it seems the thought of losing me has also shocked him, and he said he feels sick to his stomach at the thought of us not being together. He said he feels lighter just having aired his feelings, and simply wants me to get better so we can be happy and go forward. He said he hates the thought now of us being apart, even though he thinks some time would be good for me. We had a warm loving day yesterday and the feeling of such love from him is very warming, and also makes me see what a fool I can be to ever doubt it. It's as though we suddenly again really saw whatwe have together, and how good it is. We have decided that after a couple of weeks at mum's, I'll come home and we'll keep working through things together.

 

I have organised to take some days off work in the new year so I can think and have some time. A friend is also coming to visit, which will help. I am also going to book in today to a GP and also a psychologist. I will conquer this!

 

And I am open to medication. I also already meditate, which is very helpful for me.

 

Thanks again.

[BaByBoO]

I was reading about people that one of their bf or gf want to take a break I totally understand how u feel. I feel the same way i cried, wouldnt eat, or sleep for days. My bf said he still love and want to be with me but we get into so many fights he gotta be free for a while and do what he want and also cuz of the long distance relationship we have is even harder. I want this to work out between us cuz we been thru this for 4 years and i don't want to give up. I'm willing to change and I do see that it was my insecurites and not trusting him. But i think i will change and i hope everything for me and everyone with this problem works out good luck guys!! if anyone wanna IM me on aol instant messenger IM me @ l0n3ly43v3r ok ttyl bye:) Good luck

[mandy may]

did this old old post find it's way up here!?

just curious!

[Thinkalot]

I'm not sure. Maybe it was the universe's way of reminding me from where I have come! We are engaged now and really happy!

[mandy may]

that is so cool that he stuck by you and my best wished to both of you!

congrats!!!

 

maybe they recycle these messages when the board gets slow.