aerogurl87 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 The lunch thing....is cool.....but when you got the part about watching movies in your truck.....If I were the boyfriend and found out about this.....I'd have something to say about it. You're crossing boundaries here. I agree with b52s, I think if my boyfriend found out I was hanging out with a guy like that he'd be pretty pissed. Unless it was one of my gay friends, then he doesn't seem to care. Also I think every straight and single guy that befriends a girl he finds attractive is thinking of how their friendship could become potentially more. Sometimes he may not think of it consciously, but the thought is definitely there at least initially. Even if it's only on a subconscious level.
b52s Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I agree with b52s, I think if my boyfriend found out I was hanging out with a guy like that he'd be pretty pissed. Unless it was one of my gay friends, then he doesn't seem to care. Also I think every straight and single guy that befriends a girl he finds attractive is thinking of how their friendship could become potentially more. Sometimes he may not think of it consciously, but the thought is definitely there at least initially. Even if it's only on a subconscious level. Exactly, Aerogurl....I mean, God didn't put Eve on Earth per his request to be "Friends" with Adam. LOL
b52s Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 That wasn't a friend; she was using you for social proof. The common interests, love and respect for and between friends remains throughout relationships, though priorities do change, as they should. The problem I've seen personally is when a SO begins to exert power over someone's prior friends, using that relationship priority in an unhealthy way to establish territory. If the friend buys into that, it is their path and their loss. My santa picture is a great example of the dynamic of friendship. It was taken at the house of a boyfriend of my stbx, someone she dated many years ago, and they remained friends, part of a great group of friends she had in her hometown. He is a great guy who later tragically lost his wife and child in a auto accident. They remained friends throughout our M and we enjoyed wonderful times with he and her other male and female friends. That's a group of her friends I will miss as a result of divorce. My stbx was in his 'friendzone', and he went on to re-marry and have another child, and it was a healthy place for all involved. No 'territory' needed Of course, as with most things there ARE exceptions to the rule.
carhill Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 LOL, well, in the spirit of nothing being perfect, stbx and some of the other female friends who dated him years ago did comment on how well endowed he was You know, clingons circling uranus Personally, I've found that friendzoning a woman I was attracted to but only saw me as a friend was a helpful tool in deciphering the real quality of that friendship. What was really there and what feelings really were involved? It helped define me. A good tool, IMO.
thegreatmoose Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Also I think every straight and single guy that befriends a girl he finds attractive is thinking of how their friendship could become potentially more. That's a bunch of crap, using the word "every". If a woman is not compatible in many ways other than attraction, she will be a friend and only a friend. Fox example, a man and woman can have one hobby in common and have totally different religious beliefs and be friends whether they find each other attractive or not. This is not possible for some because they can't control their sexual urges. Exactly, Aerogurl....I mean, God didn't put Eve on Earth per his request to be "Friends" with Adam. LOL Why is it that every person I know even moderately well has both male and female friends? The people who can't control their sexual urges are not the kind of people I want to even be around, male or female.
Yukikazi Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I have a female roommate.. she's hot and fun and interesting.. but not my type.. she is my friend.. nothing more and I can't picture/imagine sleeping with her.. Her friends are a different story.. but yea she's a great looking girl but just not my type so I'd never sleep with her... It is possible to have a female friend and not be interested.. rare I guess but possible.
aerogurl87 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) That's a bunch of crap, using the word "every". If a woman is not compatible in many ways other than attraction, she will be a friend and only a friend. Fox example, a man and woman can have one hobby in common and have totally different religious beliefs and be friends whether they find each other attractive or not. This is not possible for some because they can't control their sexual urges. Why is it that every person I know even moderately well has both male and female friends? The people who can't control their sexual urges are not the kind of people I want to even be around, male or female. I said every single and straight guy who is friends with a woman he finds attractive is thinking of this in the back of his mind, even if it's subconsciously. Actually let me rephrase that to "every single and straight guy who is friends with a woman he's attracted to". Sure I have straight male friends, and almost all of them have at some point in time tried to hit on me even if they did it without thinking about it. It's how nature works. Now do I think it's possible to get beyond that stage? Yes, but initially it's in the back of every guy's mind unless he's gay, not attracted to the girl, or just befriending the girl to get closer to her friend. Edited December 20, 2009 by aerogurl87
thegreatmoose Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) I said every single and straight guy who is friends with a woman he finds attractive is thinking of this in the back of his mind, even if it's subconciously. Sure I have straight male friends, and every one of them that finds me attractive has at some point in time tried to hit on me even if they did it without thinking about it. It's how nature works. Now do I think it's possible to get beyond that stage? Yes, but initially it's in the back of every guy's mind unless he's gay, not attracted to the girl, or just befriending the girl to get closer to her friend. Of course when I first meet a female I'm attracted to, there are those thoughts in the first seconds. Then I often realize that I'm in a work environment or she's wearing a wedding ring or something and I know very quickly not to hit on her. I've hit on very few of my female friends at first, usually because I knew from the first seconds that they were not available or not appropriate for me. I can find a woman extremely physically attractive, but I can also keep those feelings subconscious or block them if I know they are not right for me in other ways. Edited December 20, 2009 by thegreatmoose
b52s Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 LOL, well, in the spirit of nothing being perfect, stbx and some of the other female friends who dated him years ago did comment on how well endowed he was You know, clingons circling uranus Personally, I've found that friendzoning a woman I was attracted to but only saw me as a friend was a helpful tool in deciphering the real quality of that friendship. What was really there and what feelings really were involved? It helped define me. A good tool, IMO. Sometimes a SINGLE experience can cause a guy to have a "No friends with women" policy. He said he was good friends with a woman for a year.....she FZ'ed him, she dated arse holes....eventually some straw broke the camels back, and he cut off all contact with her and vowed NEVER to be "friends" with a woman....because he really fell for her and GREW as a friend and a lover. Being "Friends" with a woman can be very dangerous as opposed to the instant chemistry kind of thing. The latter, you find someone, get those feelings downstairs, feel the INSTANT chemistry, date 2 months, have sex like bunnies, then the newness wears off after 2 or 3 months. A friendship....which is SUPPOSED to be (and IRONICALLY) the basis of a great and TRUE relationship between a man and woman....when the other is just not co-operating and the other is GROWING over time, attached to the person , eventually it WILL come to pass that somethings gotta give. Some people are under this silly notion of instant chemistry TRUMPING "Friends first and go from there". With me, I'm more of a "friends first" kinda guy, which is a curse to some men who follow this philosophy, because ALOT of women simply don't believe in this.
thegreatmoose Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I have a female roommate.. she's hot and fun and interesting.. but not my type.. she is my friend.. nothing more and I can't picture/imagine sleeping with her.. Her friends are a different story.. but yea she's a great looking girl but just not my type so I'd never sleep with her... It is possible to have a female friend and not be interested.. rare I guess but possible. This is a great reason why it's possible. If she's not compatible (not my type), we can still be friends. I don't think it's rare. The majority of women are physically attractive to me. 90+% of women are not compatible with me for reasons other than looks. It would be pointness to date them, but I could easily be friends with some of them.
aerogurl87 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Of course when I first meet a female I'm attracted to, there are those thoughts in the first seconds. Then I often realize that I'm in a work environment or she's wearing a wedding ring or something and I know very quickly not to hit on her. Those first few seconds still count and thus what I said I hold as being 100% true. Being "Friends" with a woman can be very dangerous as opposed to the instant chemistry kind of thing. The latter, you find someone, get those feelings downstairs, feel the INSTANT chemistry, date 2 months, have sex like bunnies, then the newness wears off after 2 or 3 months. A friendship....which is SUPPOSED to be (and IRONICALLY) the basis of a great and TRUE relationship between a man and woman....when the other is just not co-operating and the other is GROWING over time, attached to the person , eventually it WILL come to pass that somethings gotta give. Some people are under this silly notion of instant chemistry TRUMPING "Friends first and go from there". With me, I'm more of a "friends first" kinda guy, which is a curse to some men who follow this philosophy, because ALOT of women simply don't believe in this. I agree with you once again b52s. After some experience in dating guys I'm instantly attracted to and dating guys I was friends with first, I think from now on I'll go the "friends first" route. With my boyfriend and I we were friends first and I'm glad that things worked out that way. We have a good solid foundation for our relationship which isn't based on something superficial, but on a true friendship.
thegreatmoose Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Those first few seconds still count and thus what I said I hold as being 100% true. There's no disagreement then.
b52s Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Those first few seconds still count and thus what I said I hold as being 100% true. I agree with you once again b52s. After some experience in dating guys I'm instantly attracted to and dating guys I was friends with first, I think from now on I'll go the "friends first" route. With my boyfriend and I we were friends first and I'm glad that things worked out that way. We have a good solid foundation for our relationship which isn't based on something superficial, but on a true friendship. Aero.....and how did that bond feel between you and him "as friends first" vs. your previous boyfriend that you had instant chemistry with? Was it indeed a major difference, was there more "warm fuzzies" with you with you "friend"? Great wasn't it? Good thing it was mutual, if it isn't the one who has this "friends first policy" needs to cut their losses quickly before their heart breaks. :-) Because this could just lead to agony on their part. YOu've seen those sitcoms and movies where there was this one guy crushing on a woman he knew his WHOLE life....guess they make those movies because people like us can relate. LOL
aerogurl87 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Aero.....and how did that bond feel between you and him "as friends first" vs. your previous boyfriend that you had instant chemistry with? Was it indeed a major difference, was there more "warm fuzzies" with you with you "friend"? Great wasn't it? Good thing it was mutual, if it isn't the one who has this "friends first policy" needs to cut their losses quickly before their heart breaks. :-) Because this could just lead to agony on their part. YOu've seen those sitcoms and movies where there was this one guy crushing on a woman he knew his WHOLE life....guess they make those movies because people like us can relate. LOL Well actually it was great. When I did finally start to realize how great my now boyfriend would be to date, I felt like lightning bolts of attraction towards him and going on being together for 3 months now I see why. If I would've been friends with my ex first then we would've never dated in the first place. My boyfriend is respectful of both me and others, which I like. Sure he doesn't always say or do what I wish he'd do, but he's a lot better than my ex who would tell me every 5 seconds he loved me and then turn around and call me a f*cking whore, slut, and b*tch when he got angry with me. So yeah it's been great, plus I love that we can just hang out and he's happy to just have me around him even if we don't really do anything.
LonelyGuy85 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 If you go out with something you have known for a while though, what was it that made you go from friends to more than friends? There must have been a catalyst for that to happen.
Author Waitress Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Wow, thanks for all the great responses! It's spurred me to think of my approach to relationships. The most fun relationship I've had was with a guy I was friends with first. I'm thinking I want to look at my male friends a bit differently, with more potential. We get so afraid of ruining a friendship but then it gets ruined anyway because we didn't give more a chance. Wouldn't the best relationships be with someone you are friends with first? After all, you obviously find them interesting. I think we can feel attracted to someone but for whatever reason when we first meet we go down the friends route. Sometimes things do change though. I think a reason some male/female relationships get ruined is because of bad timing in what each and the other wants. Just some more thoughts for a thread I'm glad I started.
alphamale Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Wouldn't the best relationships be with someone you are friends with first? not necessarily
paddington bear Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 not necessarily agreed, you would think best rel's should be with people you are already friends with, but often, no. There is a reason you are friends and not lovers from the offset.
carhill Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 There is a reason you are friends and not lovers from the offset. LOL, married would be one of those 'reasons' If life was orderly and simple.
Author Waitress Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 not necessarily No, certainly there is not one size fits all. Just thinking about my own personal experience and I think a relationship that started as friends could be the best. Irregardless, I think some of the most important factors for success in a R are based on things that could come naturally from a friendship. Of course everyone their own perspective - and ones own history, attitude, etc. play into it - but it's something I'm thinking is worthwhile for me to explore.
Author Waitress Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 agreed, you would think best rel's should be with people you are already friends with, but often, no. There is a reason you are friends and not lovers from the offset. Relationships evolve and change. It happens. People's life situations change.
alphamale Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 agreed, you would think best rel's should be with people you are already friends with, but often, no. There is a reason you are friends and not lovers from the offset. quite, in my experience the relationships that start out as "friends" turn out to cause the most pain and heartache
paddington bear Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 quite, in my experience the relationships that start out as "friends" turn out to cause the most pain and heartache Yup. Never again. That's all I can say.
paddington bear Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Relationships evolve and change. It happens. People's life situations change. This is true, but I think it is rare - it is a "well, I heard that someone who knows someone finally ended up with their best male/female friend" stories, that gives other unrequiteds hope, but that is in fact an exception to the rule. Obviously good relationships are based on what also makes a solid friendship, but turning one into the other I think is well nigh impossible unless as you say, one or both parties alter their thinking, or some circumstances relevant change (i.e. one person divorces or whatever).
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 So, at that point they might stop looking at the female friend as a potential bedmate or partner, right. Because I've had guy friends who are obviously attracted to me and do things for me even when they're in a relationship. ... with emphasis on my word "content" as in: "long-term relationship in which he is content" and on your word "might" The moral composure of the guy is another variable too.
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