xpaperxcutx Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 true!!! it's probably age It actually is, in my opinion. I've always advocated that opposite sexes can't be " just" friends, and if they are so, they were few and rare. Personally, I cannot ( emphasis on the cannot) be friends with a guy that fits my criteria of guys I would want to shack up with, because it just makes me an ass wanting to be friends to them just so I can " hook up" when I'm drunk. At my age ( just turned 20), I'm still following my libido. Evidenced enough, the guys I actually do friendzone, I don't ever want to sleep with. But then they'll be doing little things that disprove their initial intent of wanting to be friends in the first place.
ordinary_girl Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Evidenced enough, the guys I actually do friendzone, I don't ever want to sleep with. But then they'll be doing little things that disprove their initial intent of wanting to be friends in the first place. I made friends with guys I had fancied but for whatever reason nothing was going to happen and if they were nice enough (ie there wasn't just sexual attraction) we ended up friends. they went their relationship path and I went on mine. sexual interest fades after a while - and if you meet enough new people it fades even faster (if you never had sex). as for your quote here, well friendship depends on two people. you have to genuinely like the person even if you don't fancy them and they genuinely have to be happy with that situation. don't you have male friends where neither of you were ever interested in anything else? maybe one of you were in a relationship when you met and the other was as well/or just was not interested anyway? I have male friends like that.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 don't you have male friends where neither of you were ever interested in anything else? maybe one of you were in a relationship when you met and the other was as well/or just was not interested anyway? I have male friends like that. I get along fairly well with my friend's boyfriends but that's about it. I'm hardly in a relationship long enough to befriend other males in the same position. But I can say if they're in a relationship, all signs of romantic interests ceases.
ordinary_girl Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 But I can say if they're in a relationship, all signs of romantic interests ceases. that's really healthy. not everyone is the same - unfortunately for them.
LonelyGuy85 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I find the 'I cannot be friends with the opposite sex' comments quite unusual. I honestly didn't believe the large number of people who felt this way until i started a conversation about it during work. I have a friend who is woman and I have know for many years since finishing uni. We both have a mutual friendship for each other, we both talk to each other and like each other as friends, neither of us wants anything more. This is great for us. At the same time, however, i like a woman i work with and would very much like to be more than friends, but i just can't seem to get the courage to ask her out. I think in this last situation i have fallen into the friend zone, but have found it hard to get out. I also love the comments stating that if a man wants to be with a woman he will pursue her until he gets a definitive answer. As an unsecure, yet red blooded male, i find it incredibly hard to approach someone for a date. Does that mean that i don't find that woman attractive? No, but i can however mean that i lack the confidence to attempt it. So i can understand how some women may be put off by the lack of initial contact. Do woman generally have a time rule from when they meet someone about whether or not they find them attractive or want to go out with them? It's something i would like to know. How long is too long to leave it before asking someone out after meeting them? I will look forward to this answer and actually have some follow up questions depending on the answers.
thegreatmoose Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Do guys even have friend zones? Or, if a girl is attractive and the guy is heterosexual is being close friends more of a friends first kind of thing to them? Someone told me guys pick their close female friends the same way they pick their potential partners. I don't think "stuck" is a good word but for every woman I'd date there are many that I'd be willing to be freinds with. A woman needs to meet a number of requirements for me to want to date her. There are very few requirements when it comes to being friends. All that could be needed is to share a hobby or something like that.
phineas Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 almost every GF I had that had guys they claimed they "friend-zoned" wound up cheating on me with that guy. Usually after an argument after we hadn't been getting along.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Do guys even have friend zones? Or, if a girl is attractive and the guy is heterosexual is being close friends more of a friends first kind of thing to them? Someone told me guys pick their close female friends the same way they pick their potential partners. Because guys are always in-line to bang you, or to become your next long-term beau, there just isn't the same dynamic as with females. The desirable female holds all the cards, like always, and of course she can't shuffle them all, so she creates the "friend zone" for most of the line-up. The male, in comparison, isn't interested for the most part unless he senses himself to be "in-line". (*it doesn't matter where you sense him, only that he envisions himself to be 'waiting in the wings') Now obviously workplaces and neighborhoods create situations where males and females who are peers tend to be friends, but that wasn't by choice. And of course everything changes in a way once the guy lands himself in a long-term relationship in which he is content.
Author Waitress Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 And of course everything changes in a way once the guy lands himself in a long-term relationship in which he is content. So, at that point they might stop looking at the female friend as a potential bedmate or partner, right. Because I've had guy friends who are obviously attracted to me and do things for me even when they're in a relationship.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 So, at that point they might stop looking at the female friend as a potential bedmate or partner, right. Because I've had guy friends who are obviously attracted to me and do things for me even when they're in a relationship. Bingo! I always quizzically wonder about one of my friends ( the only male acquaintance of mine whom I consider a " friend who is a guy and someone whom I will never sleep with") why he still likes to make passes at me even though we both know he's in a relationship, and I had made it very clear that I didn't want to sleep with him. It seems like he's in a relationship because that's the only way he's going to get sex but it isn't any way a hindrance for him to find other entertainment along the way. I know his girlfriend, and sometimes I feel sorry for her.
Author Waitress Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 It seems like he's in a relationship because that's the only way he's going to get sex but it isn't any way a hindrance for him to find other entertainment along the way. I know his girlfriend, and sometimes I feel sorry for her. It sounds like he hasn't settled down with her but isn't too discriminating. I think that the guys who are flirting with other girls aren't that committed to the one they're with.
D-Jam Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Do guys even have friend zones? Or, if a girl is attractive and the guy is heterosexual is being close friends more of a friends first kind of thing to them? Someone told me guys pick their close female friends the same way they pick their potential partners. For women, the "friendzone" is when they get themselves stuck in the conundrum of where she's sleeping with him, but he won't date her nor commit to her. She's basically a FB. Women who totally get into the non-sexual friendzone are usually unattractive ones, but they have cool personalities. It's unfortunate, because friends are probably the best people to make solid couples...but too many men and women seem to believe friends are those whom are "never" as a SO. If my GF were to ever tell me I can't be friends with women, then I'll end the RL first. I never give her any reason to worry and I will set any female friends straight if they try to cross the line. I'll dump female friends if they try to disrespect my RL.
aerogurl87 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I think it's possible for a girl to be stuck in a guy's friend zone but usually it only occurs if 1) she's a friend of that guy's SO or 2) if he's gay. Other than that it's very unlikely to occur.
mixwell Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 You know what, now that I think about it, I RARELY see posts about women complaining about how a MAN puts them in a friend zone, in fact, hardly ever even OFF-line. Think about it, how often does that happen? LOL With men, the only reason a man hangs around a woman is to hopefully get intimate with her. I've even been known to think about my female friends in a naughty situation. lol I agree to a certain extent. The only female friend I have at work is probably the ONLY female that I consider a TRUE friend that I have. I've told her that I don't THINK I would hook up with her because she is a really good friend and I wouldn't wana F it up. She is almost like hanging out with one of my guy friends but she is attractive. Who knows what situation could come up but I find her traits to be what I would want in a female.. Basically I want a chick that has a dudes mentality and I really do think that if I knew I would F up our friendship over sex that I wouldn't do it because I don't think I'm that desperate to get some. There are however other chicks that are "friends" that I would bang in a heartbeat if given the chance.
mixwell Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) Women who totally get into the non-sexual friendzone are usually unattractive ones, but they have cool personalities. I totally agree with this statement however the 1 person I consider a true friend that is female is actually attractive to me but I seriously love her and would back her up because she is a badass chick.. She is without a doubt one of the coolest females I have ever met and IF her and I were to ever become a couple I could see us getting along VERY WELL.. So this is a true statement you made but in my case this true friend is attractive PS> This chick does and has been with her boyfriend since I've known her so that maybe a factor also.. I have met and hung out with both her and her b/f and they're both really cool people and I don't get the least bit jealous. I have never had a true chick friend that was single and then dated and I got jealous. Edited December 20, 2009 by mixwell
mixwell Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Then, one day, she tells me to stop hanging around her at these events. I was kind of shocked....it sounded like it was hurting her to tell me this....kinda like "Yeeaaaaaa..um...don't know to tell you this, but....maybe you should kinda chill hangin' out with me" You see, she told me this gave OTHER men in the group the impression that we're "together"....you know, as a couple. I was kinda irritated by this response, but I respected her....it left a foul taste in my mouth, but I laid low on contacting her via email or whatever. I totally can relate to this ! I have had females that I did consider friends but when they got a b/f they just kinda disappear.. This was one thing that one of my ex's had a prob with. I did have females that were just friends (we actually dated but I knew there was no potential in anything than friends after we hung out again years later) and my ex just couldn't understand the fact that I talked to other women... Even my co-worker (female) that is the only chick I consider a true friend, she has a b/f who is secure knowing she has dude friends and I've even met the guy and he is a cool person.. I think that a few of our co-workers think my friend and I are banging one out because her and I often go to lunch together and we may go to a park up the street from work and watch movies in my truck and they ALWAYS think that her and I are hooking up which isn't true. The way I am now though (how I consider my co-worker a true friend) if I did meet a new chick and we started dating or were a couple, if my girl had any problem with my friend I would tell her to take a hike because I'm not going to diss my friend and blow her off just because I have an insecure g/f. I did that before and it sucks being on the receiving end which I have been in the past. Can't contact your female friend because they have a b/f and are scared he may be insecure.. If it is one thing I hate it is an insecure person and my last ex was actually quite hot but VERY insecure and didn't want me talking to ANY females, even co-workers.. I will never blow off a female I consider a friend because my woman is jealous/insecure.. F that.
ADF Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 The truth is men rarely go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Very rarely. And this is particularly true of younger men. Men do not have Friend Zones in the same sense women do. If you are in a man's supposed Friend Zone, he's already thought about taking it further. He may or may not, but he's thought about it.
mixwell Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 The truth is men rarely go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Very rarely. And this is particularly true of younger men. Men do not have Friend Zones in the same sense women do. If you are in a man's supposed Friend Zone, he's already thought about taking it further. He may or may not, but he's thought about it. I do agree and have quoted my ex with this (we were like 18 then) but she was a cashier and some guy gave her his number whatever and they hung out which pissed me off.. Anyways I quote this to her to try and give her perspective... I said "Guys don't ask a girl for her number or to hang out with only the intentions of being friends" I do think it is true. If I encountered an attractive female I would NEVER persue her with the mentality of just being friends, that is just unrealistic.
edward-e Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 i actually started talking to this girl that i thought was really attractive like 6 months ago and she turned out to be pretty awesome, but we never did anything and we would just talk every couple days or text. SO after about a month i started actually really liking her as a friend and enjoyed talking about a bunch of things and when she tried to hold my hand the next time we hung out i felt kinda awkward and it was the first time ive felt like that...so i talked to her and told her i just wanted to be friends...it was a really weird feeling, thinking i dont wanna lose this girl as a friend...
gypsy_nicky Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 yes >>> If the woman was unattractive (face, weight). That's it.
b52s Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I think that a few of our co-workers think my friend and I are banging one out because her and I often go to lunch together and we may go to a park up the street from work and watch movies in my truck. The lunch thing....is cool.....but when you got the part about watching movies in your truck.....If I were the boyfriend and found out about this.....I'd have something to say about it. You're crossing boundaries here.
paddington bear Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Ok, well if guys supposedly only befriend girls with the thought that one day they might have sex, how come I've been friendzoned twice by guys??? Guys are perfectly capable of friendzoning girls. This myth that guys only befriend girls with the hope of sleeping with them, makes me feel bad because I keep getting friendzoned by guys, so you start to think, God, I must be absolutely unattractive/boring/repulsive that I get repeatedly friendzoned, shouldn't these guys be desperate to get me into bed???? IME: my friendzone guy number one, is a serial love 'em and leave 'em commitment-phobic and now after yet another relationship breakup, he realises he has a problem, so I reckon I got friendzoned due to that reason (we had slept together on occassion and I got the 'I think we'd be better as friends' line). We have and had a very good relationship, trust each other, tell each other everything etc, under normal circumstances one would assume that it would naturally progress to something more, but it didn't and looking at the train wreck of women behind him, I'm glad we are 'just friends'. Guy number two's ex-wife was always, always there in the background, determined to win him back (I didn't realise this at the time, he ommited this information) and he felt guilty about having a relationship with any women, me included, hence I got friendzoned. Both had issues with relationships, not necessarily issues with me. I am now genuinely friends with guy number one, and am over the yearning for a different kind of relationship with him. Guy number two ripped my heart to shreds and we have parted on very bad terms. Lesson I've learned. Let guys know you are attracted to them in that way from the get-go. If they don't respond then, move on otherwise you get sucked into that hanging around friendzone, hoping something might change for months of your life and feeling like you are the most unworthy, ugly person on the planet, thus perpetuating the cycle of not feeling good enough for any man and attracting guys who will friendzone you into your life.
b52s Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 To not about the person who likes to throw around the "insecure" card...."Well he / she is insecure, blah blah blah" It's not about insecurity, it's about respecting the relationship...it is inappropriate to be sitting in a parked vehicle with a "friend", when you are in a relationship. Obviously you co-workers think the same thing as well.
b52s Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 For women, the "friendzone" is when they get themselves stuck in the conundrum of where she's sleeping with him, but he won't date her nor commit to her. She's basically a FB. Women who totally get into the non-sexual friendzone are usually unattractive ones, but they have cool personalities. It's unfortunate, because friends are probably the best people to make solid couples...but too many men and women seem to believe friends are those whom are "never" as a SO. If my GF were to ever tell me I can't be friends with women, then I'll end the RL first. I never give her any reason to worry and I will set any female friends straight if they try to cross the line. I'll dump female friends if they try to disrespect my RL. Well, D-Jam, she probably would not TELL you not to be friends, but.....she might hint around nicely. I think there should be certain boundaries with other opposite sex friends when you're dating someone. This is okay: Going to lunch with a Opposite Sex friend on occasion to "catch up" NOT okay: Watching movies in a parked vehicle with said O.S. Friend Okay: Phone calls from O.S. friends just to catch up or say "hi" Though, D-Jam, chances are...things would NOT be said, but just naturally "fade away" I think we'll all remain "Friends" with the opposite sex friends, however, contact will wind up being VERY minimal....sometimes it'll just eventually fade away. I live in a more RURAL area....where once people hook up, date, and get married.....things pretty much are focused on each other anyhow and no one else. THough I'm still friends with people even of the SAME sex, I eventually stopped staying in touch, or sometimes they stop staying in touch with me....because that's how it just "wound up" ESP with opposite sex friends, once they got married or dating someone seriously, they even TOLD me to back off the phone calls or like the other one , email her ONLY at her WORK email. LOL (Talka bout lame) But that kind of hurt for her to tell me to stop "hanging with her' at events which made us look like a COUPLE to other people. THAT was a point , I made the conclusion in my early 30's that women can't be friends with men....EVEN if you TRY to do it......she was probably suprised that she did want to be my friend....but it only works if she's Unattached. I had an unattached female friend call me almost daily to talk....once she got a boyfriend...it was "bye bye" lol.
carhill Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) I had an unattached female friend call me almost daily to talk....once she got a boyfriend...it was "bye bye" lol. That wasn't a friend; she was using you for social proof. The common interests, love and respect for and between friends remains throughout relationships, though priorities do change, as they should. The problem I've seen personally is when a SO begins to exert power over someone's prior friends, using that relationship priority in an unhealthy way to establish territory. If the friend buys into that, it is their path and their loss. My santa picture is a great example of the dynamic of friendship. It was taken at the house of a boyfriend of my stbx, someone she dated many years ago, and they remained friends, part of a great group of friends she had in her hometown. He is a great guy who later tragically lost his wife and child in a auto accident. They remained friends throughout our M and we enjoyed wonderful times with he and her other male and female friends. That's a group of her friends I will miss as a result of divorce. My stbx was in his 'friendzone', and he went on to re-marry and have another child, and it was a healthy place for all involved. No 'territory' needed Edited December 20, 2009 by carhill
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