kimflute26 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 (edited) I met a guy at my university and we started seeing each other about a month ago. Things moved extremely fast with us (we got physical quite quickly, even though I really wanted to wait, it just sort of happened...). In the beginning he seemed to like me A LOT and was coming on quite strong with that. I had a couple bad experiences this semester with guys who I wanted to date but that had used me for sex... I was afraid of that happening again. So, I had my guard up and I felt that I couldn't always be myself around this new guy. I was confused about where things were going with him because it seemed like we weren't truly getting to know each other - he would just come over and we'd basically end up having sex then going to sleep (of course we did do a few other things but that was the bulk of it). Yesterday we went for coffee and started talking about life and our struggles. I told him about a personal struggle of mine, which is getting over things involving the past... and he decided to tell me a story about his past. He told me that when he was in high school he had a girlfriend that he really fell for. She knew him more than anyone, but after only one semester she had to leave that school and they haven't talked since. He said that that was one of the most heart-wrenching moments of his life (when she left) but he accepts that they just can't be together now... but maybe someday. He looked like he was getting emotional and a bit teary while he told that story - I could tell he was impacted by his ex and cared for her very much. Somehow I felt a little touched and connected to him after that moment. On one hand, I felt bad that he seemed to still care for this other girl and even hinted about being with her one day if he could (because I was thinking "what about me?") but on the other hand I tried to understand that it was a hard situation in his life and he hasn't known me that long. Then out of nowhere he told me that it would be very unlikely for us (him and I) to be in a relationship. He said that things just didn't happen naturally for us and that he could tell I was too unsure about what I wanted. The biggest reason why he says we cant be in a relationship is because for a few weeks I seemed very guarded, like I had a wall up (which I probably did), and that had changed his feelings toward me. Suddenly (and surprisingly) I felt very hurt and walked off... That afternoon I requested that he meet with me at night so that I could say a few things. We met up and I told him that something had clicked for me today.... I knew I was guarded and not ready to open my heart yet, but today I felt connected to him and as though I was finally getting to know him. I said that I'd still be interested in trying something with him if he wanted. He told me that he liked me very much, that I'm a beautiful person, but at this point all of those past awkward and negative feelings that he began having about us would always be in the back of his mind... In the end he basically said that it would be possible for things to work out between us but that they could never be the same. He believes that everything should develop very naturally in a new relationship..... no awkwardness, not so much uncertainty, and maintaining an excited outlook on the relationship from the beginning forward. I believed in all those things too but was willing to make an exception this time because it just seemed like the circumstances had been against us. I ended up spending the night with him that night. No, we didn't have sex. I told him that now I really liked him, somehow I was ready for my wall to come down (a little too late I guess), and that if he ever felt he could have the courage to let go of the past and open his heart to me again to please let me know. He seemed to really like that answer and we kissed.. He told me that he'd let me know, but hopefully by then it wouldn't be too late. So today I'm leaving for winter break and wont see him again for a couple weeks. I've been pretty hurt by this whole thing but I'm trying to accept that it is now out of my hands... I can't help how I felt in the past, I can't help that I needed more time to feel good about him and open myself up to being with him, and I can't help that his feelings for me have started to change (and not in my favor). Should I stop talking to him? Is this some sot of weird life lesson? And do you believe that things should always be the way he says - as in, relationships should develop extremely naturally (think: The Notebook) and if they start out rough that always means it wasn't meant to be? Edited December 19, 2009 by kimflute26
torranceshipman Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I wouldn't hang on his every word...he just wanted to let you down gently, and did (twice). Sounds like he was just finding soft ways to say that he wasnt interested in your romantically. I'd cut contact a while cause you sound like you really like him. It was nothing you did.
Author kimflute26 Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 But see, it WAS something I did. It was the fact that I had my guard up because things were moving so quick and I wasn't yet sure of my feelings. Meanwhile, he told me that in the beginning he had felt very strongly about me to the point where he thought I might be the one for him. Ugh
Brightmoon Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Kim, please don't beat yourself up about putting up your guard. You had that there for a very good reason, so don't blame yourself. If it was meant to be and this guy was the real deal, the barriers would not have mattered. Especially as you have reasurred him loads, and shown how aware you are that you hold back. If you have learned any lessons from this, all well and good. If you can possibly put this guy out of your mind during the winter break, then do. If he calls when you get back and shows interest again, that is another thing and you deal with that later. But for now, it really was NOTHING you did hun. He is mixed up, hooked on a relationship he had years ago. The chances are he and this girl would not have the same chemistry again, but his is fixated on that. I hope you have a good break and please try and not dwell on him.
ordinary_girl Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 But see, it WAS something I did. It was the fact that I had my guard up because things were moving so quick and I wasn't yet sure of my feelings. Meanwhile, he told me that in the beginning he had felt very strongly about me to the point where he thought I might be the one for him. Ugh it is very healthy to have your guard up in the beginning whatever his reasons are, he doesn't sound ready for a relationship either with you or maybe with anyone. he sounds a little mixed up and more than naive if he thinks relationships 'just happen' and don't take any work. he would not make a good boyfriend long term, he is either emotionally unstable or just inexperienced.
Author kimflute26 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 UPDATE: Yesterday the guy called me and the conversation went like this: Him: Hey (in a slightly enthusiastic tone) Me: Hi (not so enthusiastic) Him: Oooh you sound tired or like you don't want to talk to me or something. Me: Uhhmmmm no it's just been a weird couple of days. Him: Well, I'm driving by your area right now and it reminded me of you... Where are you going to be over winter break..... just home? Me: Yep... home. Him: Well maybe we could meet up sometime if you want? Me: Uhhhmmmm I guess? Him: *laughs* I'll call you after Christmas and we'll plan something. Me: Errr ok have fun with your break. *click* Booty call? p.s. There's no way I'm meeting up with him.
Knossos Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Booty call? p.s. There's no way I'm meeting up with him. 1. Yep. 2. Good, keep to that choice.
Mr Locario Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I wouldn't say that it's a booty call. Most guys aren't going to go through telling a long story and get all emotional in front of you if they just want sex. You said in your post that you didn't sleep with him when you spent the night. So if you didn't do it that time he most likely wouldn't assume that you are the booty call type
Truly Lost Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Well, I'm not the best person for giving advise since I have a few issues of my own to sort out, but I've learned that when someone tells you that they don't see a relationship between you and them developing....it's wise to believe what they say. Perhaps this guys did value hanging out with you and your friendship, but doesn't want things to get serious because he doesn't want it to go in that direction, for whatever XYZ reason. Continuing contact with this guy will probably spell more heartache for you in the long run. I think it is extremely unfair of him to place the blame on you for sabotaging a potential relationship because of being so guarded. You were protecting your feelings and explained that to him when you told him of your previous relationships. I think he is being a big p**sy for making you the reason he doesn't want anything serious. It's a cop out, because he doesn't want to tell you the real reason. Don't kid yourself into thinking his hanging out means anything more than "friends" with possible benefits. Maybe he is feeling a little guilty and is seeking damage control. Whatever the case, try to make sure you are Ms. Right and not Ms. Right Now.
Author kimflute26 Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look at the message he sent me on facebook just now (haven't spoken to him in days so this came out nowhere!): "Hey whats up???? I'm in miami but not for too long... I dont really like it here so I may be living soon... can I go to visit you on the 25th? actually can I stay overnight that day? and then i'll go somewhere else on the 26th... What do you say? Can I stay there?? if not... i still want to see you! Text me or call me.... bye!" He's a total psycho. Thank GOD he didn't agree to date me. LOL
TheBigQuestion Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 Yeah, you met a loony. Similar things happened to me early this year. Met a gorgeous girl, hit it off pretty fast, got physical pretty fast, everything seemed to be headed in the right direction, and them out of nowhere, BAM, started talking to me less. Then we agreed to take it slower. She still remained pretty aloof but always gave me just enough rope with which to hang myself. Two months after that was done, she started dating one of my close friends and acted like there was nothing tactless about it. Flaky, unresponsive, unemphatic people are not worth your time, ever. If they say "no" or "maybe" or "I'm not ready," it just plain old means NO. Cut all contact from this person, and if he isn't part of your wider social circle, MAKE SURE YOU KEEP IT THAT WAY. I would've gotten over my situation a lot faster if I didn't have to observe them as a couple on a regular basis. This is something that was stretched out for about 3 months, never actually became real dating between us, and I still am not 100% over it. Hell sometimes I feel like I'm only 40% over it. The sooner you cut the cord, the better.
skydiveaddict Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look at the message he sent me on facebook just now (haven't spoken to him in days so this came out nowhere!): "Hey whats up???? I'm in miami but not for too long... I dont really like it here so I may be living soon... can I go to visit you on the 25th? actually can I stay overnight that day? and then i'll go somewhere else on the 26th... What do you say? Can I stay there?? if not... i still want to see you! Text me or call me.... bye!" He's a total psycho. Thank GOD he didn't agree to date me. LOL dump him @ once
tkgirl Posted December 24, 2009 Posted December 24, 2009 LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look at the message he sent me on facebook just now (haven't spoken to him in days so this came out nowhere!): "Hey whats up???? I'm in miami but not for too long... I dont really like it here so I may be living soon... can I go to visit you on the 25th? actually can I stay overnight that day? and then i'll go somewhere else on the 26th... What do you say? Can I stay there?? if not... i still want to see you! Text me or call me.... bye!" He's a total psycho. Thank GOD he didn't agree to date me. LOL now that he senses you may be losing interest, he decides he better step up... a little bit at least! I think he still wants to keep you around but just wants it to be casual... and I don't think that's what you want... your feelings go deeper than that, right? It's good you guys have this time apart... although now he wants to see you tomorrow maybe? what are you going to do? I've been in your shoes before... it's no fun... and I just ended up getting hurt in the long run.
Author kimflute26 Posted December 24, 2009 Author Posted December 24, 2009 Honestly I found it pretty gross that he would actually ask me if he could stay overnight at my place after he clearly told me there was no long term future for us. Maybe times have changed but to ME staying overnight at my place doesn't mean "keeping it casual". And actually I really dont have feelings for him anymore at all. Maybe I will a *tiny* bit once I see him again in person, but I know hes no good for me so it's no problem.
tkgirl Posted December 25, 2009 Posted December 25, 2009 Honestly I found it pretty gross that he would actually ask me if he could stay overnight at my place after he clearly told me there was no long term future for us. Maybe times have changed but to ME staying overnight at my place doesn't mean "keeping it casual". And actually I really dont have feelings for him anymore at all. Maybe I will a *tiny* bit once I see him again in person, but I know hes no good for me so it's no problem. I especialy like the part where he goes "... and then I'll go somewhere else on the 26th..." hmmmm.... follow your instincts on this one... you want (and deserve) way more than he is ready to give you... I say walk away and don't look back.
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