aerogurl87 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I wouldn't say having sex when you two first met was so bad if you hadn't only been talking for like a month AND if you didn't have a language barrier. Sure the sex was good, but I'm pretty sure your hormones were clouding your judgement a bit. When the love fairy dust clears and reality sets in come back here and give us an update. But for now I'd say your relationship has a better chance of being a fling than anything else. I met my current boyfriend online and he had to wait till our first real date before he could even get a kiss, then another three weeks before we had sex. And to be honest I'm glad I waited because it made our first time together more special.
aerogurl87 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Well this man has made it clear that we wants a serious relationship and not someone who plays games. He actually thought I wasn't going to be serious at first and said he didn't want to meet. It was b/c I waited longer to meet then he wanted to. After explaining why I didn't want to meet after a few chats (the language barrier was much bigger then) he understood. He was very clear about wanting a gf and not wanting sex with someone who isn't his gf. Yes,I'm serious about being his gf. I know that sometimes it will be hard,but he is very patient with the language. Question: Why did he want to meet so soon anyway? I mean you two had a language barrier already hindering how well you could communicate so what was the rush? Unless of course he wanted to communicate only through body language.
2sunny Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I've never had sex on a first date, but ALL my serious relationships, we both knew on the first date that we were very into each other. Like I said, they all became serious relationships, none of them under two years. So, is the prevailing theory that BECAUSE they had sex early on it won't or can't turn into a real relationship ? I have no clue, I am wondering why everyone is so sure he is a player or whatever. i haven't perceived anyone saying he's a player - i have only noticed that on both ends - words aren't in line with actions. did i miss something?
Author missmich Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 I think he wanted to meet earlier b/c he wanted a relationship and not just something on-line. I'm pretty sure that he didn't want just sex and I was the one who initiated all the sexual stuff. I wanted to kiss him right away,but waited until he asked me if he could kiss me. That was really sweet actually and a part of his culture as well. I don't think he's a player,I've read over the posts and it doesn't seem like he's being portrayed as one here. 2Sunny I don't think you missed anything and you're probably right about actions and words not matching. I do want to be his girlfriend and so far have acted like I do and he has done the same to me. Yes,I should have waited a little while before we had sex,but it's done so I can't undo it now.
CarrieT Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Yes,I should have waited a little while before we had sex,but it's done so I can't undo it now. But you CAN keep from now having sex with him every time you see him. You have the power to dial it back and get to know each other before you sleep with him again. I hazard to guess, however, that he is going to expect sex now every single time. This will be the true test; if you have the strength to NOT have sex and let the relationship develop.
aerogurl87 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 But you CAN keep from now having sex with him every time you see him. You have the power to dial it back and get to know each other before you sleep with him again. I hazard to guess, however, that he is going to expect sex now every single time. This will be the true test; if you have the strength to NOT have sex and let the relationship develop. I agree with CarrieT. Sure you can't take back the sex on the first date, but you can stop for awhile. Get to know him better, see who he is really as a person offline, take the time to get to know each other better. THEN see if you want to be his girlfriend still because there is a big difference between talking online and being around each other in real time. You may start to notice certain traits he has that you can't stand and then who knows, you may not want to be his girlfriend. But if you keep having sex then the oxycotin is probably going to kick in and make you want to be more attached to him regardless of how mismatched you may be. So just try and go into all of this with a clear head and good luck.
Author missmich Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 That's very true,I can defiantly stop having sex for a while make it clear that we don't have sex each time we see each other and start to get to know better in person. If he seems to have a problem with my choice then he can find someone to have sex with and I'll move on. Sex can be great and it can make things seem wonderful and perfect and it clouds judgment sometimes. I'm so glad I came back to Loveshack! Great advice all the time!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I found this guy on Tagged and sent him a message and we started to chat about a month ago. Very "interesting" chats full of laughs due to our language difference. We talked on the phone quite a bit as well. I agreed to meet him once,then canceled. I just wasn't ready to meet after just a few days of chatting and neither of could speak enough of the others language either yet. On MSN we were relying on Babblefish which isn't always accurate! lol Finally tonight we met and we really hit it off,well obviously since we slept together. Before we met we had some teasing going on and a lot of talk about relationships and I told him that I wouldn't sleep with him unless I was sure I wanted to be his girlfriend. I told him this b/c he'd been hurt before and didn't want to play games with me. Tonight when we met the attraction was more the physical for me and there was this chemistry and when he asked to kiss me I let him. It was me who started to make the move to have sex with him though and he asked if I was his girlfriend and I said yes. I really wanted to say yes too,even if we didn't have sex tonight. Does meeting and chatting on line for a short period of time sort of make up for the fact that you only met in person once before having sex? Do you know what I mean? Yes,we have some a language issues between us,but we've talked about the important things and made certain things very clear to each other about what we want from a relationship. We're both learning more of each others language as well. This is so normal - really! The net creates a most unusual dynamic where a woman can have sex with a man she feels she knows, while at the same time a man is having sex with a woman he just met. The best of all worlds, so say the stereotypes.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 PS - the fact that you first contacted one another online, and interacted there for quite some time, negates most of the judgmental crap being spewed here by too many others. Just keep striding forward and you'll be fine.
cupidotheblogger Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Dating online and dating in person can be somewhat of a different thing. Yes, you two have talked online and you may feel as if you know each other but you really need to spend time with someone to really get to know them. Get to know them as a person, not as someone you've hooked up with. It seems like you two have chemistry so keep it going and try to make more time for each other in person. Good Luck.
calizaggy Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 But you CAN keep from now having sex with him every time you see him. You have the power to dial it back and get to know each other before you sleep with him again. I hazard to guess, however, that he is going to expect sex now every single time. This will be the true test; if you have the strength to NOT have sex and let the relationship develop. Please do not listen to this.. Huge turn off.
Knossos Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Please do not listen to this.. Huge turn off. It's only a huge turn-off for a guy that needs to have sex in the first three dates. If a man needs to have it so quickly instead of waiting for awhile, then the woman doesn't need to be dating him (unless she's only seeking sex too, in which case have at each other).
Lovelybird Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 (edited) You didn't learn anything from your past. It seems almost impulsive for you to have sex with man you barely know and so early on. Have you considered to work on yourself and find out why you act this way? It is your loneliness drive you or something else. It is certain not love, because to love, you have to know this person fully, and that takes time. To let a man love you, that takes time. Sexual release isn't love. By having sex you are going to be attached to the man, and being attached to a man you barely know, do you see how much drama you put yourself in? Do you know that you can make this kind of drama not happening again? Do you see that you put yourself in this kind of extreme intense unknown for no good reason? Edited December 21, 2009 by Lovelybird
aerogurl87 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 By having sex you are going to be attached to the man Ok lovelybird I have to say that this statement is not always true. I've had sex with guys I could care less about outside the bedroom. Sex does not always equal attachment for everyone. And if it felt right at the time and she had fun, nothing wrong with that. The only concern I have is that the sex on the first date might cloud her judgement of him as they try to truly get to know each other on a deeper level in person.
Lovelybird Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Ok lovelybird I have to say that this statement is not always true. I've had sex with guys I could care less about outside the bedroom. Sex does not always equal attachment for everyone. And if it felt right at the time and she had fun, nothing wrong with that. The only concern I have is that the sex on the first date might cloud her judgement of him as they try to truly get to know each other on a deeper level in person. so why might sex on first date can cloud her judgement? what cloud her judgement anyway?
aerogurl87 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 so why might sex on first date can cloud her judgement? what cloud her judgement anyway? For her it may cloud her judgement as to whether or not she really wants to be his girlfriend (which she says she wants to be). If she hadn't said that then I'd say go for it with the sex. Personally I don't have sex with a guy right away if I want to see if he's relationship material. But if I see him as FWB potential then all bets are off. So with the circumstances she presented to us, I'd say to lay off the sex.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 so why might sex on first date can cloud her judgement? what cloud her judgement anyway? When hormones start acting, nobody really cares about the consequences. If MissMich had went into this only for the sex then nobody would discourage her, because to most people, sex is sex. But note that she wanted a relationship first and foremost, and as 2sunny had said " it's all backwards".
Lovelybird Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Ok, thanks for your clearifying. You mean that when a woman has sex with a man, she might only want sex, no relationship; and after sex, she might get attached, or she might not get attached? And what dangerous is that she gets attached. This sounds like it is better she just cuts off some part of her emotions, and work herself on not getting attached.
Lovelybird Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 When hormones start acting, nobody really cares about the consequences. I know hormones are pretty strong, but we are learning to control it to work for us, not become a slave of hormones, we can become master of hormones
Lovelybird Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 (edited) For her it may cloud her judgement as to whether or not she really wants to be his girlfriend (which she says she wants to be). If she hadn't said that then I'd say go for it with the sex. Personally I don't have sex with a guy right away if I want to see if he's relationship material. But if I see him as FWB potential then all bets are off. So with the circumstances she presented to us, I'd say to lay off the sex. Many women do develop emotions even they agreed to be just FWB Edited December 21, 2009 by Lovelybird
aerogurl87 Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 Many women do develop emotions even they agreed to be just FWB Many women, but not all and I'm happy to be among that percentage that don't always catch feelings for a guy just because he knows how to make my kitty purr.
Lovelybird Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 (edited) Many women, but not all and I'm happy to be among that percentage that don't always catch feelings for a guy just because he knows how to make my kitty purr. so you mean that having sex with this man is like masturbation? It is more like using each other for a release? Edited December 21, 2009 by Lovelybird
Chicago_Guy Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 But you CAN keep from now having sex with him every time you see him. You have the power to dial it back and get to know each other before you sleep with him again. I hazard to guess, however, that he is going to expect sex now every single time. This will be the true test; if you have the strength to NOT have sex and let the relationship develop. I don't think that holding back now is going to work. He may think that you have sex with every guy you date and is going to wonder whether you're getting it from some other guy if you hold back now. He'll probably assume that you aren't that into him anymore if you don't do it from here on out.
Author missmich Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 I think I have learned a little (but maybe need to learn more) since my first visit here when I told you about another man I dated. That was a very emotional and intense relationship for me. I tried to make it more then what it was and it didn't work out in the end at all,we even tried to be friends and hing out twice after it ended. It didn't work b/c there was to much sexual chemistry there and we wanted to have sex,but I had to say no b/c of my emotional tie to him. We only chatted about 3 days before we met and waited maybe 2 weeks to have sex and were together for almost 3 months. It was the first relationship for me in a long time. The next man that I met was also from the web and we chatted for 2 weeks before we met. There was the attraction and I felt a connection,but didn't have sex with him at all b/c I also felt he was hiding something from me and I wanted to know what that was before I slept with him and gave to much of myself emotionally. It was a wise choice for me since the thing he was hiding was his girlfriend! I was hurt,but at least I didn't feel stupid for believing all his stories and I didn't spend to much time thinking of him after or giving him much emotionally. With my current boyfriend I felt comfortable right away,but was glad that I put off meeting him for a little while. He really wanted to meet earlier but he understood my reason to wait. If I tell him why I want to wait until we have sex again I think he will understand and if he doesn't then he is not the one for me. A real man will understand that in a relationship sex is not the most important thing. He's very busy with work and we will probably only see each other on weekends and does a man really expect to have sex every time he sees his girlfriend?
Chicago_Guy Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I think I have learned a little (but maybe need to learn more) since my first visit here when I told you about another man I dated. That was a very emotional and intense relationship for me. I tried to make it more then what it was and it didn't work out in the end at all,we even tried to be friends and hing out twice after it ended. It didn't work b/c there was to much sexual chemistry there and we wanted to have sex,but I had to say no b/c of my emotional tie to him. We only chatted about 3 days before we met and waited maybe 2 weeks to have sex and were together for almost 3 months. It was the first relationship for me in a long time. The next man that I met was also from the web and we chatted for 2 weeks before we met. There was the attraction and I felt a connection,but didn't have sex with him at all b/c I also felt he was hiding something from me and I wanted to know what that was before I slept with him and gave to much of myself emotionally. It was a wise choice for me since the thing he was hiding was his girlfriend! I was hurt,but at least I didn't feel stupid for believing all his stories and I didn't spend to much time thinking of him after or giving him much emotionally. With my current boyfriend I felt comfortable right away,but was glad that I put off meeting him for a little while. He really wanted to meet earlier but he understood my reason to wait. If I tell him why I want to wait until we have sex again I think he will understand and if he doesn't then he is not the one for me. A real man will understand that in a relationship sex is not the most important thing. He's very busy with work and we will probably only see each other on weekends and does a man really expect to have sex every time he sees his girlfriend? Are you sure he really considers you to be his "girlfriend"? If you've only gone out with him one time so far, he may not really feel that way about you.
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