missmich Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I found this guy on Tagged and sent him a message and we started to chat about a month ago. Very "interesting" chats full of laughs due to our language difference. We talked on the phone quite a bit as well. I agreed to meet him once,then canceled. I just wasn't ready to meet after just a few days of chatting and neither of could speak enough of the others language either yet. On MSN we were relying on Babblefish which isn't always accurate! lol Finally tonight we met and we really hit it off,well obviously since we slept together. Before we met we had some teasing going on and a lot of talk about relationships and I told him that I wouldn't sleep with him unless I was sure I wanted to be his girlfriend. I told him this b/c he'd been hurt before and didn't want to play games with me. Tonight when we met the attraction was more the physical for me and there was this chemistry and when he asked to kiss me I let him. It was me who started to make the move to have sex with him though and he asked if I was his girlfriend and I said yes. I really wanted to say yes too,even if we didn't have sex tonight. Does meeting and chatting on line for a short period of time sort of make up for the fact that you only met in person once before having sex? Do you know what I mean? Yes,we have some a language issues between us,but we've talked about the important things and made certain things very clear to each other about what we want from a relationship. We're both learning more of each others language as well.
CarrieT Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Does meeting and chatting on line for a short period of time sort of make up for the fact that you only met in person once before having sex? Um - No. I predict that within six months you will be posting here on how you got played and you don't understand what he wants and that what he posted in the beginning is not who he really is. You can't know womeone through their words alone; it is actions and daily intimacies that count. we've talked about the important things and made certain things very clear to each other about what we want from a relationship. We're both learning more of each others language as well. What are the "important things?" And how can you have a clear understanding about about what you both want when you barely understand each other's languages? Sorry to be harsh, but I think it was a mistake and I hope you don't hurt too much.
gopher Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think a woman should make a guy wait for sex. It's more meaningful that way. Maybe it's a cliche and too harsh on both sexes, but sometimes, Women use sex to get the emotional connection, and Men use an emotional connection to get sex. But, all that said, I hope this turns out well for you guys.
DustySaltus Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Sex on first date =99.9% chance of it being nothing more than a fling.
ordinary_girl Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Does meeting and chatting on line for a short period of time sort of make up for the fact that you only met in person once before having sex? No it doesn't. Unless you spend time with someone in person you don't know them at all.
TaleSpin Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Sex on first date =99.9% chance of it being nothing more than a fling. This is not true. My best friends met online, slept together on their first date, and now they're married. I've also slept with people on the first or second date and dated them for a considerable amount of time. I guess it probably depends on your and the other person's views on sex in general. I think especially if you talked online a lot and brought up what you want relationship-wise, this shouldn't be a big deal.
2sunny Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 the sex will now distort the reality of the feelings between the two of you... THAT is the problem i see in the future. when the sex happens too fast - a connection physically is made before the mental and emotional side have connected. so things are out of order. it will be a lot harder to get priorities back in balance now that sex is already been the experience. bottom line is - your perception will be skewed.
Author missmich Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Well I hope I don't get hurt either,I've had enough of that all ready with past boyfriends. When I say we talked about the important things I mean we talked about our sexual histories and how honesty is important and all he wants is the truth and even if he doesn't like what I tell him he wants the truth. We also talked about cheating and what that means to us both and what will happen if one us does cheat. He speaks Spanish and French and I speak English. He does understand more English then he will speak it,but he does try. I've picked up a lot of Spanish since we started to chat and it looked like I'd meet him and it helps us both if we write down what we want to say. So far no major misunderstandings and we agreed that when there are misunderstandings not to get to upset right away until we clear up a mistake we have made with a translation or something.
CarrieT Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Pattern? Well, it is Christmas Good call, Carhill.
2sunny Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Well I hope I don't get hurt either,I've had enough of that all ready with past boyfriends. When I say we talked about the important things I mean we talked about our sexual histories and how honesty is important and all he wants is the truth and even if he doesn't like what I tell him he wants the truth. We also talked about cheating and what that means to us both and what will happen if one us does cheat. He speaks Spanish and French and I speak English. He does understand more English then he will speak it,but he does try. I've picked up a lot of Spanish since we started to chat and it looked like I'd meet him and it helps us both if we write down what we want to say. So far no major misunderstandings and we agreed that when there are misunderstandings not to get to upset right away until we clear up a mistake we have made with a translation or something. this barrier of languages is a tough obstacle. what makes a gal choose this over corresponding with a guy who holds no barrier? if there is a misunderstanding - can we just blame it on the interpretation, perhaps? as if it's NOT the reality of what the truth is?
Author missmich Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Pattern? Well, it is Christmas Oh carhill you remembered me! I haven't forgotten you and your great advice either! Merry Christmas! Yes,maybe it is a pattern and I do need to be careful. With the other guy things were very intense and emotional for him and he wasn't really ready for me. Anyway that was a different guy and we no longer speak really,but the last time he called me I was so happy b/c I finally felt nothing at all for him. Now I feel friendly toward him and if we were to call me again I could have a decent conversation and be friendly enough.
2sunny Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Oh carhill you remembered me! I haven't forgotten you and your great advice either! Merry Christmas! Yes,maybe it is a pattern and I do need to be careful. With the other guy things were very intense and emotional for him and he wasn't really ready for me. Anyway that was a different guy and we no longer speak really,but the last time he called me I was so happy b/c I finally felt nothing at all for him. Now I feel friendly toward him and if we were to call me again I could have a decent conversation and be friendly enough. blah, blah, blah - what have you learned from your prior experiences - anything of value to change things to move in a POSITIVE direction for your future? this looks the same - just different guy - new language barrier, easy to blame problems on...
carhill Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 The key is attracting a man who is good *relationship* material, if that is what you seek. There is a balance between romance, emotion and sexual attraction which is struck over time, with time being the key. The pattern, IMO, has something to do with the signals you are sending out which bring certain types of men into your life. The next time it feels 'right', try telling yourself that, if it is indeed 'right', it'll be right in a week or a month or two. No hurry
Author missmich Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 this barrier of languages is a tough obstacle. what makes a gal choose this over corresponding with a guy who holds no barrier? if there is a misunderstanding - can we just blame it on the interpretation, perhaps? as if it's NOT the reality of what the truth is? I actually pushed him away at first. Just before I found him on Tagged I'd met another man on Tagged who was from the same country as him. We met 4 times when he was in my city to visit "friends" here and I didn't sleep with him b/c I felt he was hiding something from me and there were also a lot little things that really got me! Especially when he was upset with me about something I thought was stupid. Turns out the friend he came to visit was his girlfriend and when I told her about his cheating he got angry with me for telling her and for ruining things with her,yet he still wanted to be with me! He still calls me to say he loves and misses me,I only answer b/c it says private caller and I think it's someone important. I'm thinking his gf needs another e-mail from me to put a stop to his calls. There was just something about this new guy that made me want to keep chatting to him. So I told we both had to make an effort with another language if we wanted to meet as friends even. Sometimes a misunderstanding can be blamed on translation and sometimes it can't be.
Author missmich Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 I think the reason I chose to have sex with him was very different then the one I chose with the other guy. The other guy I was very emotional and needy and I was hoping that if we had sex that he'd see that he was over his x and was ready to commit to me. At the time,in the back of my head I know I shouldn't have made that choice even though at the time it felt right. It was a very big and emotional thing with tears when we had sex,for both of us. With this guy I feel my eyes are a little more open.
2sunny Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 well now you have him understanding perfectly well that your words don't match your actions - "I told him that I wouldn't sleep with him unless I was sure I wanted to be his girlfriend." words and actions should always correspond when you want to be a credible person. so does that DEFINITELY make you his girlfriend - after one date and sex? i think it's a fair question given that i'm trying to determine if you are a woman of your word - or if your actions will always be conflicting with the words.
2sunny Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I think the reason I chose to have sex with him was very different then the one I chose with the other guy. The other guy I was very emotional and needy and I was hoping that if we had sex that he'd see that he was over his x and was ready to commit to me. At the time,in the back of my head I know I shouldn't have made that choice even though at the time it felt right. It was a very big and emotional thing with tears when we had sex,for both of us. With this guy I feel my eyes are a little more open. i think you need to determine WHY you would put sex out there so readily without the firm commitment. is it to secure men? manipulation, perhaps? insecurity and the illusion that it might reel him in quicker? don't fool yourself when you answer the questions honestly...
xpaperxcutx Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 MM, you're a perfect example of why most men think us women are so dramatic. And to be honest, you're not taking things slow, you're just confusing the hell out of the guy. You already made mention you want to go about things in a steady pace, but by having sex with him ( on the first date) and crossing that line ( Are you his gf? The answer is really, NO) you're giving him the signal that you guys can have sex pretty much whenever you meet up with him afterward.
Author missmich Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Well this man has made it clear that we wants a serious relationship and not someone who plays games. He actually thought I wasn't going to be serious at first and said he didn't want to meet. It was b/c I waited longer to meet then he wanted to. After explaining why I didn't want to meet after a few chats (the language barrier was much bigger then) he understood. He was very clear about wanting a gf and not wanting sex with someone who isn't his gf. Yes,I'm serious about being his gf. I know that sometimes it will be hard,but he is very patient with the language.
2sunny Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 MM, you're a perfect example of why most men think us women are so dramatic. And to be honest, you're not taking things slow, you're just confusing the hell out of the guy. You already made mention you want to go about things in a steady pace, but by having sex with him ( on the first date) and crossing that line ( Are you his gf? The answer is really, NO) you're giving him the signal that you guys can have sex pretty much whenever you meet up with him afterward. Well this man has made it clear that we wants a serious relationship and not someone who plays games. He actually thought I wasn't going to be serious at first and said he didn't want to meet. It was b/c I waited longer to meet then he wanted to. After explaining why I didn't want to meet after a few chats (the language barrier was much bigger then) he understood. He was very clear about wanting a gf and not wanting sex with someone who isn't his gf. Yes,I'm serious about being his gf. I know that sometimes it will be hard,but he is very patient with the language. so know going in and just getting started that things are now backwards. you will have to do the hard and CONSISTENT job of meaning what you say and say what you mean. the language barrier can be overcome - but will take that much more effort and diligence not to have things misconstrued.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Well this man has made it clear that we wants a serious relationship and not someone who plays games. He actually thought I wasn't going to be serious at first and said he didn't want to meet. It was b/c I waited longer to meet then he wanted to. After explaining why I didn't want to meet after a few chats (the language barrier was much bigger then) he understood. He was very clear about wanting a gf and not wanting sex with someone who isn't his gf. Yes,I'm serious about being his gf. I know that sometimes it will be hard,but he is very patient with the language. Actions vs words.
ADF Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 This is not true. My best friends met online, slept together on their first date, and now they're married. I've also slept with people on the first or second date and dated them for a considerable amount of time. I guess it probably depends on your and the other person's views on sex in general. I think especially if you talked online a lot and brought up what you want relationship-wise, this shouldn't be a big deal. When somebody makes an observation that is generally valid, why does everybody have to bring up rare, isolated exceptions that prove nothing? Great, I'm glad your best friends are happily married. I am glad having sex right away hasn't ruined your relationships. But so what? As the earlier poster said, 99.9% of the time, jumping into bed with someone you just met when you're looking for a real relationship is a BIG mistake.
2sunny Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Actions vs words. i know - the fact that they are BOTH contradicting themselves will make this harder to tell what they are really intending to do instead of just following through with what is actually said.
melodymatters Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I've never had sex on a first date, but ALL my serious relationships, we both knew on the first date that we were very into each other. Like I said, they all became serious relationships, none of them under two years. So, is the prevailing theory that BECAUSE they had sex early on it won't or can't turn into a real relationship ? I have no clue, I am wondering why everyone is so sure he is a player or whatever.
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