phoenix1 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I'm writing this on second chances so hopefully I won't get torn apart. I have not been on here in a long time and I know when me and my bf broke up the last time (of 2 times) it was very helpful to be on here. (we have been broken up almost 5 months, the longest so far) While I've been absent from here I have gone total NC, friends, FWB, LC everything with him. And at different times different things worked. We even went on vacation together and it was great. My issues is this: we did not break up because we didn't get along, or we fought, or we fell out of love, etc. Our break up was sad and painful. Mostly it's commitment issues, on his part. He loves me, I know he does, and he has told me that he knows he will be sorry someday to lose me. He's dating a few girls, none of which he is emotionally involved with. He thinks he is just not ready to settle down, I think he is just giving into his fears of intimacy and commitment. What brings this up for me again now, is I recently set a boundary with him, getting some distance from each other (only a few days ago). When I saw him tonight at a party,he did not look too happy, had that pained look in his eyes, and just kept staring at me. I was friendly, pleasant, and lighthearted. I'm actually in a pretty good space these days. He was very conflicted the last year of our relationship, about whether he could stay in a committed relationship or not (and obviously he chose not, because we are broken up) but just because we broke up, I don't think that conflict is gone. I think he still questions things...No one that knows us can believe we are not together, or that we even broke up. My question is, does this mean that that's it? Two people that love each other are not going to be together because of his inability/unwillingness to look at what is getting in the way of being with me? The answer I keep coming up with is, sadly, yes. That does mean we cannot be together. Unless he bumps his head tonight and suddenly sees the light, lol. Probably not going to happen. Opinions, people?
Kantor Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I'm writing this on second chances so hopefully I won't get torn apart. I have not been on here in a long time and I know when me and my bf broke up the last time (of 2 times) it was very helpful to be on here. (we have been broken up almost 5 months, the longest so far) While I've been absent from here I have gone total NC, friends, FWB, LC everything with him. And at different times different things worked. We even went on vacation together and it was great. My issues is this: we did not break up because we didn't get along, or we fought, or we fell out of love, etc. Our break up was sad and painful. Mostly it's commitment issues, on his part. He loves me, I know he does, and he has told me that he knows he will be sorry someday to lose me. He's dating a few girls, none of which he is emotionally involved with. He thinks he is just not ready to settle down, I think he is just giving into his fears of intimacy and commitment. What brings this up for me again now, is I recently set a boundary with him, getting some distance from each other (only a few days ago). When I saw him tonight at a party,he did not look too happy, had that pained look in his eyes, and just kept staring at me. I was friendly, pleasant, and lighthearted. I'm actually in a pretty good space these days. He was very conflicted the last year of our relationship, about whether he could stay in a committed relationship or not (and obviously he chose not, because we are broken up) but just because we broke up, I don't think that conflict is gone. I think he still questions things...No one that knows us can believe we are not together, or that we even broke up. My question is, does this mean that that's it? Two people that love each other are not going to be together because of his inability/unwillingness to look at what is getting in the way of being with me? The answer I keep coming up with is, sadly, yes. That does mean we cannot be together. Unless he bumps his head tonight and suddenly sees the light, lol. Probably not going to happen. Opinions, people? Unless he wants to change to be with you, you're out of luck. You can't force someone to change, and someone won't change unless they want to and even then its a lot of hard work. I'm sorry it doesn't sound like its in your best interest to continue persuading him to change if he doesn't want to. I understand where your coming from, I'm the guy with the CP issues in my relationship. Although by the time I realized my mistakes it was already to late. I've had time to heal, and day by day I learn from the mistakes I made. Good luck in life, sounds like its time to turn a new chapter until he realizes his mistakes and actively wants to change his ways for you, as opposed to actively running from the situation.
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