stevejohnson1976 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Hi, I'm a male and belong to one of the big 2 online dating sites and have gone on 5 dates in my first three weeks on the site. Out of the 5, 2 of them have progressed to a second date (both this weekend). My question is, how many people do you advance to the second date with at one time? what is typical? I would be naive to think that I'm the only one they are dating right now that has gone more than one date. I';m trying to figure out how many other dudes each of these girls are going on second dates with while I am. I know it is impossible to predict, but was hoping some fellow online daters could tell me their experience. I'm basically wanting to know how many concurrent people you have been going out with past the first date? I figure if I am dating 2 for the 2nd time, at the same time, its safe to day they are doing AT LEAST the same? Whats your experience with this???
boogieboy Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 What do you care? Stop being jealous. Youre already emotionally investing too early. It doesnt matter how many guys they are dating. You just be you, and dont worry about what you have to compete with. You dont need to care if you are standing out above the others, otherwise she will see the insecurity on your face. if she isnt into you the way you are, then you move on to the next girl. You dont NEED them, they want to get into YOUR world. Thats how you treat them. You have options, you dont need to worry about anyth8ing they are doing. Your there to see if she is good enough for YOU, not the other way around. Go figure, I cant get 1 date from ANY of these online sites, youre juggling 5 and youre already sabotaging yourself. Cut it out!
looking4 green grass Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 (edited) Unless it's HORRIBLE, I tend to schedule a second date. I find I can get a better feel for someone then rather than on a first dates when everyone is nervous and slightly awkward. At the moment I've been on three dates with one guy, had date two tonight with a different guy, and I have another first date this weekend. And one or two other guys that I'm in the process of scheduling dates with sometime next week. I'm not sure if I'm typical woman on a dating site or not. Edited December 19, 2009 by looking4 green grass forgot words
soconfusing Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Unless for some reason I completely fall for someone on the first date (which has happened only once), I will continue to date other guys at the same time. Unless it comes up somehow during the first date, I will usually let the guy know that I am dating multiple guys by the 2nd or 3rd date and then they'll make their own decision from there. It's not until after the 4th to 6th date that I will usually even consider seeing someone exclusively.
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 What do you care? Stop being jealous. Youre already emotionally investing too early. It doesnt matter how many guys they are dating. You just be you, and dont worry about what you have to compete with. You dont need to care if you are standing out above the others, otherwise she will see the insecurity on your face. if she isnt into you the way you are, then you move on to the next girl. You dont NEED them, they want to get into YOUR world. Thats how you treat them. You have options, you dont need to worry about anyth8ing they are doing. Your there to see if she is good enough for YOU, not the other way around. Go figure, I cant get 1 date from ANY of these online sites, youre juggling 5 and youre already sabotaging yourself. Cut it out! Jealous? Wow...no. Just wondering what other people do. I fully expect them to be dating others. I just wondering what the norm is and thats what I was looking for here. Not to be called jealous or emotionally invested. I'm neither of these. I just had no idea what other people do on these sites. How am I sabotaging? Love to hear this one.... By asking on a forum what the norm is for online dating? Sounds like you are jealous of me actually. Great input from others, thanks.
boogieboy Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Jealous? Wow...no. Just wondering what other people do. I fully expect them to be dating others. I just wondering what the norm is and thats what I was looking for here. Not to be called jealous or emotionally invested. I'm neither of these. I just had no idea what other people do on these sites. How am I sabotaging? Love to hear this one.... By asking on a forum what the norm is for online dating? Sounds like you are jealous of me actually. Great input from others, thanks. I DO envy you. But I dont know why you would ask such a question, you dont use numbers to go on second dates, you go on second dates with the women you like , then third dates, and 4th dates until you find you like one more than the others. Theres no rules, you do what you feel and what you want.
carhill Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I figure if I am dating 2 for the 2nd time, at the same time, its safe to day they are doing AT LEAST the same? Whats your experience with this??? I personally don't engage in multi-dating (only tried it once during the 20 years of being single), but my stbx was dating more than one man when we met and it just gradually morphed into just me over a month or two. I really didn't even think about the other guys, but that's normal for me. Generally, men don't exist unless they're friends, so I don't think about what they're doing or if they're competing for a woman I'm interested in. I'm more interested in seeing if she is compatible with me. When I start dating again, first dates will likely be multi, perhaps a group of three, and would only continue if none of the three were of interest. If one sparked my interest, and it was mutual, I would continue with her. That's my style. Yours will necessarily differ. Enjoy
CarrieT Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Boogie, I've been online dating for about 18 months and I have been multi-dating from the get-go. Honestly, it was only recently that two of the dates progressed to second dates for me and this has been in the past month. Because of scheduling, I have only been able to see either of the men every few weeks so multi-dating is almost a necessity. But I am also communicating with two other gentlemen via the sites (OKCupid and eHarmony) and if any of those get to the point of actually meeting, I will of course do so -- regardless of the two I am already seeing. Now in the case of these two guys I have had two dates with, we have only gotten to the point of quick good-night kisses and not even into lengthy discussions about our pasts or desires. It is not remotely serious and I have no idea if either of these guys (or the ones I am communicating with) are viable relationship material. Just too soon to tell. I hope this helps.
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 thanks for the responses. I have no problem with whomever I'm dating early on to be dating multiple people and i expect it. I'm just trying to figure the norm, thats all. Like I said, I have 2 dates the next 3 days that are 2nd dates and was just wondering how normal that is and should I expect my dates to be doing AT LEAST the same? seems like the answers are 'yes' and 'your jealous and too invested'..haha i really like these 2 girls who will both be second dates and trying to figure out my chances here....see what im up against...i thinks its a fair thing to wonder about
CarrieT Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 i really like these 2 girls who will both be second dates and trying to figure out my chances here....see what im up against...i thinks its a fair thing to wonder about I wouldn't dismiss either girl until date 6 or 8. You can't know how much you like someone this early on and if some guy decided he "really liked me" after only one date, I would be very concerned.
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 I wouldn't dismiss either girl until date 6 or 8. You can't know how much you like someone this early on and if some guy decided he "really liked me" after only one date, I would be very concerned. i guess "really liked" was bad wording by me. what i mean is "i think they are cool enough and have enough in common to have another date" i dont really like them, sorry. bad choice of words. that sounds very stalkerish...
xpaperxcutx Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 thanks for the responses. I have no problem with whomever I'm dating early on to be dating multiple people and i expect it. I'm just trying to figure the norm, thats all. Like I said, I have 2 dates the next 3 days that are 2nd dates and was just wondering how normal that is and should I expect my dates to be doing AT LEAST the same? seems like the answers are 'yes' and 'your jealous and too invested'..haha i really like these 2 girls who will both be second dates and trying to figure out my chances here....see what im up against...i thinks its a fair thing to wonder about Then you should just be upfront with those two girls and ask, " So how many second dates have you had so far?"
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 I wouldn't dismiss either girl until date 6 or 8. You can't know how much you like someone this early on and if some guy decided he "really liked me" after only one date, I would be very concerned. why date 6 or 8? just wondering the logic there.... thanks for your response!
CarrieT Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 why date 6 or 8? just wondering the logic there.... thanks for your response! There is no logic. It might be as simple as a second date and it might take as many as a dozen. I just don't think anyone with choices should make a decision until he/she is 100% sure.
boogieboy Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 (edited) i really like these 2 girls who will both be second dates and trying to figure out my chances here....see what im up against...i thinks its a fair thing to wonder about Why would you want to know, what would you do with this information? You will never know what your chances are until they tell you up front "Hey I really like you and Id like to become exclusive. So you shouldnt worry about it. Its only fair in the minds of the insecure. You go on the dates, if it works, cool, if it doesnt, you have backups. It makes no sense to worry about things that you dont have control over, or be told about. Unless the answer youre looking for is "youre probably up against 10 guys between your 2 dates, so you better step up your A game". None of them would tell you what youre up against, and if they did, then they arent interested in you anymore. You can only be you, and theres nothing you can do to increase your chances. They are going on dates with you to learn about you, and forget about the other dates. They might not even be dating other guys. So I ask again, why would you want to know, what would you do with this information? You cant do anything different. Edited December 19, 2009 by boogieboy
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Why would you want to know, what would you do with this information? You will never know what your chances are until they tell you up front "Hey I really like you and Id like to become exclusive. So you shouldnt worry about it. Its only fair in the minds of the insecure. You go on the dates, if it works, cool, if it doesnt, you have backups. It makes no sense to worry about things that you dont have control over, or be told about. Unless the answer youre looking for is "youre probably up against 10 guys between your 2 dates, so you better step up your A game". None of them would tell you what youre up against, and if they did, then they arent interested in you anymore. You can only be you, and theres nothing you can do to increase your chances. They are going on dates with you to learn about you, and forget about the other dates. They might not even be dating other guys. So I ask again, why would you want to know, what would you do with this information? You cant do anything different. hey boogie...i think we are miscommunicating here. I dont want know if they are....i really dont. I was just wondering what the norm was. I would never ask them and quite frankly, I'm pretty sure i'm better than anyone else they are 'dating' and am not worried about. I have plenty of backups and could probably have a date everyday if i wasnt so damn picky... I just have never dated online before and have been caught off guard by how its all done. I've been MR RELATIONSHIP for the past 11 years and have never really dated, so this is all new ground for me, when most people have experienced this probably 10 years earlier.... I was more just curious about my question than anything. Including for myself, as I am dating multiple girls for the second time. I'm just trying to figure out what the norm is...that's all.
boogieboy Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Were not miscommunicating, youre just not answering any questions. People date other people. Chances are if you kiss one of your dates, you are kissing her 3 other guys, just as they are kissing your other 2 dates. Many people date two or more people at a time. People getting dates from online are doing the same thing people do meeting people in person, its no different. They all date more than one person. Dont ask dont tell, and you dont worry about it.
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Were not miscommunicating, youre just not answering any questions. People date other people. Chances are if you kiss one of your dates, you are kissing her 3 other guys, just as they are kissing your other 2 dates. Many people date two or more people at a time. People getting dates from online are doing the same thing people do meeting people in person, its no different. They all date more than one person. Dont ask dont tell, and you dont worry about it. im pretty sure I answered your "why would you want/need to know?" question about 7 times, maybe 8...cant keep track. Its been MANY... Im just curious. Wondering if I am 'different' because I am multiple people, multiple dates - dating. Just trying to grasp what others are doing, hence asking people with EXPERIENCE (which you clearly have none of) to help me out here. Of course im curious what maybe my dates are up to. Am I concerned about it? nah. I'm confident in myself and know my "interested" inbox at xxxxxxx.com is full of others chomping at the bit to get a chance at me...
boogieboy Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 im pretty sure I answered your "why would you want/need to know?" question about 7 times, maybe 8...cant keep track. Its been MANY... Im just curious. Wondering if I am 'different' because I am multiple people, multiple dates - dating. Just trying to grasp what others are doing, hence asking people with EXPERIENCE (which you clearly have none of) to help me out here. Of course im curious what maybe my dates are up to. Am I concerned about it? nah. I'm confident in myself and know my "interested" inbox at xxxxxxx.com is full of others chomping at the bit to get a chance at me... Yeah but youre not just curious, youve said that everytime you posted, you desperately want to know, for some reason that youre not disclosing. Know why no one else is posting? no one can tell you. People date more than one person at a time, Thats your answer, thats it. Theres no more to it. Confident people dont worry care what their dates are up to...not when your inbox is "full" right? The norm is this: both your dates are dating 2 other guys besides you. Just like you are. Online or off, is the same thing.
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) you are still missing the point. i know people date multiple people. i was trying to find out if its 99%...maybe 50%...maybe 25% of the people who do. the more people respond with their experience, the more I can judge this by. I told a few friends this and they said they would NEVER date more than one person at once, unless it was just first dates. They have no experience with online dating though...which is such a different animal. i'd love to know where i said 'desperately' btw. I was trying to get as many responses as possible so I can come to a conclusion or a judgement. come on dude, lighten up a little. seems like you are made at me for having dating success or something....just weird. Edited December 20, 2009 by stevejohnson1976
boogieboy Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 (edited) you are still missing the point. i know people date multiple people. i was trying to find out if its 99%...maybe 50%...maybe 25% of the people who do. the more people respond with their experience, the more I can judge this by. I told a few friends this and they said they would NEVER date more than one person at once, unless it was just first dates. They have no experience with online dating though...which is such a different animal. i'd love to know where i said 'desperately' btw. I was trying to get as many responses as possible so I can come to a conclusion or a judgement. come on dude, lighten up a little. seems like you are made at me for having dating success or something....just weird. No you cant make me mad, Im not missing the point, Im trying to tell you that no one knows these percentages. No one cares either. People dont sit at home wondering the percentage of how many people their dates are dating. But you are clearly desperate to find out a useless percentage, and do what with this info? What conclusion are you coming up with if its 99%? What if its 25%? How does this help you? Edited December 20, 2009 by boogieboy
meerkat stew Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I find dating 3-4 at once manageable. More than that becomes a hassle to keep facts and stories straight. Assume they are dating that many also, as they usually are. When dating online these days, I just assume every woman I go out with is currently sleeping with someone, either a lingering ex or someone who is not relationship material. I've been right more than wrong about this. This is in addition to them dating 3-4 online. Clears your head. The more important question is how to bust through the noise and become each of the women's top dog. Women are much easier to deal with when they are infatuated with you. The best answer is the quality of the dates and leaving them wanting more as opposed to extending each date out into infinity. Starting with the first date, Take women to do weird, funny active things (not necessarily expensive things) that gives you a chance to play off each other and flirt, and most importantly gives her the chance to get comfortable touching you, and you will instantly demolish all the starbucks and dinner/movie types all other things equal. If sex isn't on the table, cut the date at 2-4 hours politely and cleanly (no long hugging goodbyes, not too much kissing). You will beat out most guys just by playing it cool and showing healthy sexual interest. They may get pressured into sex with one of the other guys before you, but it usually won't last, won't be good sex (usually too drunk to be good), and you will end up comparing favorably even then. Sometimes those other invisible guys will be your best friends, making the most atrocious dating mistakes while making you look all the better.
CarrieT Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I told a few friends this and they said they would NEVER date more than one person at once, unless it was just first dates. They have no experience with online dating...which is such a different animal. Why do you think that online dating should be any different? It is just people meeting people...
Author stevejohnson1976 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Why do you think that online dating should be any different? It is just people meeting people... oh, its WAY different. you know that people you meet online have access to 100's of potential daters. Not online, I dont think any of us have 100's of potential suiters. Plus, being online, you know that the other person is 'looking' and actively dating. If you meet someone at work and take them out...you have no idea if they are 'looking' or just going along to hang out. I dunno, it just feels like a total competition and you know there are 100's of others also trying to date who you are.... i personally hate the whole idea of it, but really have no other options of meeting new people...its been great for that. People I would have never had access to are suddenly a a click away. and its the same for the other people you are dating. its a whole different animal...BY FAR.
carhill Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Another way to perceive it is that online profiles are like real life meetings; unknown at first, but perhaps more known as time and experience go by. Some online profiles are really married people, people just wishing to hang out, people looking for free meals, etc. It's about perception. When I see an online profile, I take away an overall impression of the person based on what they've offered. If it's interesting and I'm curious to know more and began that interview process, I'll contact them, not having any preconceptions about who the real life person is. Years of personals (newspaper, phone and online) dating prior to getting married taught me that, as I made all the mistakes For example, one profile I happened to save based on overall perception seems to come and go every few days, disappearing and reappearing from my list as well as searches. Those actions suggest to me that this person, even in light of my overall perception of positive aspects, may be incompatible due to lack of consistency. Other saved profiles have remained constant, either viewable, or not. Consistency is an aspect of personality I value, so that has bearing on my desire to pursue that potential. IMO, it doesn't hurt to be a bit of a benevolent cynic. Accept that the online dating process is imperfect, as are its participants, even the one making the statement
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