Author New Again Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Point form communication deary, point form communication. 1 question, 1 answer. If he asks you a question, answer it directly and get it over with so he can move on to the next question. If you are trying to tell him a problem you have, you have to directly address the questions he asks you so HE can understand. If he latches on to points he feels are important, its so he can sort it out and figure out a solution to get to the point you think are important. You cant keep hammering your key point if he doesnt understand where youre coming from. Just like now, I asked you specific questions, and you glazed over them all and latched on to the one question to re-iterate the point youre trying to make. I definitely see what you're saying, and I'll have to keep it in mind. But I am stubborn, so I probably do that more than I'm aware! Part of the reason our conversations get derailed is I'll (for example) say "I think it's really disrespectful of you to take your ex-gf out to dinner and lie to me about it." And he'll take that in 2 directions: 1. That I'm jealous and that's the issue, and I'm wrong for that b/c he doesn't have feelings for her and 2. He didn't lie, he was going to tell me.... And then I'm trying to defend myself; no, my issue isn't jealousy, it's a lack of respect. But he won't get it out of his head that I could have a problem OTHER than because I'm jealous. Maybe that's both our faults. This isnt going to make you happy. How bout blowing off the show and TELLING him you want to celebrate on MONDAY and only monday, and you dont care about the show since its not on your bday? Since I already did that and he didn't get it, and thinks he's being really nice I'd feel really bad about that. But maybe I'll tell him I want to go out to dinner or something ON my birthday.
boogieboy Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 (edited) And he'll take that in 2 directions: 1. That I'm jealous and that's the issue, and I'm wrong for that b/c he doesn't have feelings for her and 2. He didn't lie, he was going to tell me.... And then I'm trying to defend myself; no, my issue isn't jealousy, it's a lack of respect. But he won't get it out of his head that I could have a problem OTHER than because I'm jealous. Since I already did that and he didn't get it, and thinks he's being really nice I'd feel really bad about that. But maybe I'll tell him I want to go out to dinner or something ON my birthday. Looks to me like your BF wants to hang with his ex, and he will regardless what you think about it. Apparently the way he derails the conversation, nothing you say will make him stop hanging with her, whether he lies about it or not. He doesnt seem to feel bad about lying about it. Whole other issue altogether. Jealousy or respect isnt the issue, he wants to hang with his ex and he doesnt want to be told what to do. Far as your birthday.... Say to him. "I dont want to see the show for my birthday. I want dinner with you, and thats it. I couldnt celebrate with my friends, I want dinner on my bday, with you, thats it, I dont care about the show." Him inviting his ex to this makes his defiance make sense. You'll have to argue with him about why he bought the tickets, you'll have to explain why. Edited December 19, 2009 by boogieboy
threebyfate Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 New Again, your communications with your b/f sound painful. I recall ones like that with previous exes. And yes, boogieboy is right. He's determined to do what he wants to do, regardless of impact to you. Your b/f also agrees with you, to avoid the immediate conflict but probably knows that it will eventually happen, with the hopes that the odd time here and there, the conflict won't happen. Passive-aggressive.
Author New Again Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 (edited) Looks to me like your BF wants to hang with his ex, and he will regardless what you think about it. Apparently the way he derails the conversation, nothing you say will make him stop hanging with her, whether he lies about it or not. He doesnt seem to feel bad about lying about it. Whole other issue altogether. Jealousy or respect isnt the issue, he wants to hang with his ex and he doesnt want to be told what to do. Far as your birthday.... Say to him. "I dont want to see the show for my birthday. I want dinner with you, and thats it. I couldnt celebrate with my friends, I want dinner on my bday, with you, thats it, I dont care about the show." Him inviting his ex to this makes his defiance make sense. You'll have to argue with him about why he bought the tickets, you'll have to explain why. New Again, your communications with your b/f sound painful. I recall ones like that with previous exes. And yes, boogieboy is right. He's determined to do what he wants to do, regardless of impact to you. Thanks boogieboy and TBF for all your input, I appreciate it... I dated someone for way too long (bad, bad relationship), and the results of that were a) I developed really bad communication habits in regards to Rs and b) I never, ever wanted to ever have to talk about emotions or problems ever again! So all of this stuff that's going on now is at least half my fault, I just have the benefit of being the one sharing my side In regards to the ex-gf example (not the ex that's currently trying to meet up for dinner), there was one ex who I had an issue with; at the time, I thought I was being clear how I felt about it. Now I see that I was too passive aggressive, wanting him to pick up hints, and I wasn't firm or clear enough on how and why I felt the way I did. When the dinner thing happened I completely lost my temper, and was actually completely willing to break up over that - so I finally very firmly and very clearly explained how things were going to be, why they were going to be that way, and if that was a problem for him, we were done. So that's not even an issue anymore - he doesn't see her and he doesn't talk to her. His response was "why didn't you say so, I had no idea you felt that way." Which was partly his fault for not listening before to what my actual problem was, and partly my fault for not being clear. I know my b/f loves me, and he does a good job making me feel loved, but our communication stinks, and I'm trying to figure out why, and how much of that is my fault and how much of that I can change.... Your b/f also agrees with you, to avoid the immediate conflict but probably knows that it will eventually happen, with the hopes that the odd time here and there, the conflict won't happen. Passive-aggressive. He's a pretty good bf, which is why I'm willing to work on this, but I sometimes think this also. *Edit: We both dated someone who was extremely jealous (unfounded), controlling and temperamental/dramatic, so I suspect we both have a certain need for independence and also maybe struggled with coming to terms with the fact that we were going to have to answer to someone. Neither of us is untrustworthy or wanted to hook up with other people or do anything questionable that would hurt the other person, but both kind of wanted to do what we wanted to do without consulting the other person or informing the other of our actions. That is something that he is way better at than I am. He acts like we're a couple, tells me what he's up to, who's calling/texting him, assumes that we're doing things together, etc. I'm the one who is "secretive" about my phone/computer; I'm the one who isn't very upfront about my plans, and who doesn't assume we've got outstanding plans all the time...I am always invited to do things with his friends, it's assumed that I'm included in any and all invitations and plans...but I don't give him the same courtesy always.... Edited December 19, 2009 by New Again
torranceshipman Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 He sounds like a d*ck. What I realy don't get is why you are going to the wedding at all. Stay and celebrate with your friends and family and have a great time, and your boyfriend can go to the wedding and have fun at the same time. I mean, in who's world do you RSVP to a wedding that clashes with your girl's birthday, then drop it on her with a 'sorry we're doing nothing for your b-day as we're going to a wedding all weekend, uh, but lets go outfor a b-day dinner after sometime, can I bring my ex'?! Then says ok lets make plans the day after the wedding for your b-day, then cancels that idea too? You don't have a communication problem - this guy understands you really well. He's just being a d*ck to you. Again...why are you going to the wedding? It's YOUR birthday - celebrate however you want.
Author New Again Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 You all are right! I sucked it up, sat him down sans phone, tv or computer in sight, and told him straight up how I feel about all this. (I don't know why that's so hard for me, but it is!) He apologized, brought up the communication thing again, we both admitted we seem to be having trouble with it...I got really upset and started to cry Told him this is a huge problem for us and something needs to change if we're going to have a future together, that we're both part of the problem. The bday issue is resolved, once and for all, we made concrete plans with reservations, and he suggested we look into trying some counseling to help us communicate better. He's doing some research to find someone right now
threebyfate Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Hey, that's good news, especially the counselling part! Do yourselves a favour and find someone who's credentialled up the ying-yang, with many years of experience.
Author New Again Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Hey, that's good news, especially the counselling part! Do yourselves a favour and find someone who's credentialled up the ying-yang, with many years of experience. Yes, I feel so relieved. The last several months we've just had this huge break down in communication...at least this shows me he wants to work on this also!
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