Beyond frustrated

[New Again]

In this thread I talked about how important it was to me that my b/f do something with me on my bday; he totally blew off my bday and sprung a wedding that is the same weekend on me kind of last minute (about 3 weeks before my bday/the wedding when he knew about it for over 6 months!!).

 

I thought I finally did a good job communicating to him that it was important to me we do something to celebrate my bday on my bday, no matter how small...and that we had worked something otu!

 

Apparently, not so much, as I found out tonight that we're no longer doing anything that we agreed on! Somehow he got it in his head that I reeaalllly wanted to go to this show, PERIOD, and completely missed the part where the point was that the show was on my bday! So he looked at tickets to do it another weekend (partly the reason I'm so angry about that is he doesn't get he can't do **** like that until I get my work stuff figured out - the reason my bday is so great for me to be able to make plans is that it's a holiday weekend), and the only reason I found out about this change in plan is his ex texted him tonight asking us to go to dinner and he has me if he could invite her to the freaking show..!!

 

I'm feeling pretty bratty and stubborn about this whole thing, but I just complimented him on how thoughtful and sweet he is to try to get tickets a different weekend, because I don't want to fight, and because I do know that he's trying to do something nice for me (he's just completely missing the point, whre what I really wanted for my bday was to actually celebrate it on my bday...which I know sounds weird, but people who have holdiay bdays understand probably).

 

So SCREW my freaking birthday...for the 26th year running As of tonight I am resigning myself to low/no expectations for any future birthdays.

 

What I really need help with is GETTING THROUGH to him. Just in general, not about this in particular. This is a lost cause. People of Loveshack....give me your best communication advice, recommend books, articles, anything!! Clearly I need a ton of help.

[Lish]

In this thread I talked about how important it was to me that my b/f do something with me on my bday; he totally blew off my bday and sprung a wedding that is the same weekend on me kind of last minute (about 3 weeks before my bday/the wedding when he knew about it for over 6 months!!).

 

I thought I finally did a good job communicating to him that it was important to me we do something to celebrate my bday on my bday, no matter how small...and that we had worked something otu!

 

Apparently, not so much, as I found out tonight that we're no longer doing anything that we agreed on! Somehow he got it in his head that I reeaalllly wanted to go to this show, PERIOD, and completely missed the part where the point was that the show was on my bday! So he looked at tickets to do it another weekend (partly the reason I'm so angry about that is he doesn't get he can't do **** like that until I get my work stuff figured out - the reason my bday is so great for me to be able to make plans is that it's a holiday weekend), and the only reason I found out about this change in plan is his ex texted him tonight asking us to go to dinner and he has me if he could invite her to the freaking show..!!

 

I'm feeling pretty bratty and stubborn about this whole thing, but I just complimented him on how thoughtful and sweet he is to try to get tickets a different weekend, because I don't want to fight, and because I do know that he's trying to do something nice for me (he's just completely missing the point, whre what I really wanted for my bday was to actually celebrate it on my bday...which I know sounds weird, but people who have holdiay bdays understand probably).

 

So SCREW my freaking birthday...for the 26th year running As of tonight I am resigning myself to low/no expectations for any future birthdays.

 

What I really need help with is GETTING THROUGH to him. Just in general, not about this in particular. This is a lost cause. People of Loveshack....give me your best communication advice, recommend books, articles, anything!! Clearly I need a ton of help.

 

 

"If you don't start listening to what I'm telling you, you're getting no sex until you pay attention what I'm effing saying."

 

Works every single time.

[threebyfate]

New Again, can you type out the convo you had with him the last time, when you thought you got through to him?

 

Like this:

 

New: xyz

b/f: abc

[boogieboy]

He doesnt think the same way you do. A birthday to him can be celebrated on any day if another event falls on the day. You cant make him change his mind if he doesnt want to. I dont blame him, whats more important is celebrating your birthday with people you love, no matter what day it is. He should have been more considerate of you I guess, but the wedding was more important. Just try again next year.

[threebyfate]

He doesnt think the same way you do. A birthday to him can be celebrated on any day if another event falls on the day. You cant make him change his mind if he doesnt want to. I dont blame him, whats more important is celebrating your birthday with people you love, no matter what day it is. He should have been more considerate of you I guess, but the wedding was more important. Just try again next year.

She's going with him to the wedding, so that's not the issue. She thought she got through to him how important her b/day was so he was supposed to take the Monday off, the same weekend, so the two could go out for dinner and do some things afterwards in NYC. I'm guessing the "things" were this show.

 

And now, he's rescheduled her bday celebration to accommodate for the ability to get tickets BUT worse yet, has asked her if it's okay if the ex join them, for her bday.

 

Umm...something's wrong somewhere, whether it's communication methodology, he's more dense than 16 2x4s stacked one on top of the other OR he's passive-aggressive.

[meerkat stew]

"If you don't start listening to what I'm telling you, you're getting no sex until you pay attention what I'm effing saying."

 

Works every single time.

 

Have to disagree, any guy with self-respect will be gone out the door before the "effing" gets out of her mouth.

 

But do sympathize with OP. Your guy is obviously not listening, or is playing dumb to move his own agenda forward.

[New Again]

New Again, can you type out the convo you had with him the last time, when you thought you got through to him?

 

Like this:

 

New: xyz

b/f: abc

 

Sure, I don't remember anything exactly as it was said, except for THIS, because it took a lot for me to be so direct about it:

 

NA: Remember how I wanted to go to that show? Well, that's something I'd like to do sometime, but mostly I just wanted to go to it because it was on my bday. Since we can't do that due to the wedding, I want us to do something together to celebrate my birthday the day after the wedding. The only thing that I really truly want for my birthday is to celebrate it on my actual birthday, or at least that weekend.

 

Then he said something like:

B/f: Sure we can do that. We'll plan on getting up early the day after the wedding [here I thought WOW he's talking this really seriously, as I expected him to get hammered and be wicked hungover], go somewhere nice for brunch then do blah blah blah.

 

*Blah blah blah being various activities that would've made me really happy, and were above and beyond my expectations for my request.*

 

NA: I would love to do that, that sounds perfect!

 

Or something else that is akin to positive reinforcement.

 

I thought I was very clear...now I feel like he wasn't listening...or maybe I talk too much or something.

 

He's said something a couple times during these conversations that make me think he doesn't understand that the only thing I want is to celebrate on my bday...he can't get it out of his head that the reason I'm disappointed/bratty is because we can't go to the show on my actual bday.... does that distinction make sense to anyone besides me?

[boogieboy]

None of this makes sense anymore. I cant make heads of tails of your posts.

 

Youre both still going to the wedding, no?

 

The plan was to celebrate your birthday the day after?

 

You cant do the show and the wedding on the same day, so the show is next week.

 

You agreed that you want to celebrate your b-day at least on that weekend.

 

So whats the problem?

[threebyfate]

Based on what you've written, New Again, it seems pretty clear to me.

 

Maybe the guys will see it differently.

[New Again]

And now, he's rescheduled her bday celebration to accommodate for the ability to get tickets BUT worse yet, has asked her if it's okay if the ex join them, for her bday.

Yeah that part did not go over well. After swaying between a "f*kc no!" and a "is that a supposed to be a serious question?" I ended with a nice calm (trying to remember to communicate!!) "No, if you really want to meet them for dinner we'll do it another night, but if that's how we're celebrating my birthday now, I want it to be with my friends."

[New Again]

None of this makes sense anymore. I cant make heads of tails of your posts.

 

Youre both still going to the wedding, no?

 

The plan was to celebrate your birthday the day after?

 

You cant do the show and the wedding on the same day, so the show is next week.

 

You agreed that you want to celebrate your b-day at least on that weekend.

 

So whats the problem?

Yes, we're both going to the wedding.

 

Yes, the plan was to celebrate the day after.

 

Yes, I realize we can't do the wedding and the show then.

 

Yes, we agreed that we would celebrate my bday ON my bday weekend (same weekend as the wedding).

 

The problem is that I don't give two poots about going to the show. The ONLY thing I want for my bday is to celebrate it ON my bday or at least that weekend, which is what we agreed to and he now changed in order to go to this show. But I ONLY wanted to go to the show because it was on my bday...see?

 

So we agreed on something...and then he changed it without even telling me until now so we're no longer doing what we agreed on, and we're celebrating my bday a different weekend....when, to be honest I don't give a crap about my bday when it's over a week later. Screw that, most people don't have to deal wth that **** every single year, and I do and I'm sick of it!

 

I don't care if the only way we celebrate my bday is getting home Sunday night and he gets me a cake and sings me happy bday, or whatever...as long as we celebrate it ON my bday weekend.

 

Seems like you're having the same trouble my b/f is

[New Again]

Based on what you've written, New Again, it seems pretty clear to me.

 

Maybe the guys will see it differently.

 

I agree...I was so proud of myself and was all communicating better (my end of the deal), and now I feel like he's not upholding his end of the bargain. I was very nearly stunned when he told me this tonight...and it was so casually, like "Oh ex just texted me, wants to know if we want to get dinner next week. Can I invite her to the show?" Ha...uhhh...what show are you talking about? And then he goes "Oh blah blah blah"....kinda the same thing as the wedding now that I think about it.

 

At the same time, while I'm sooo frustrated by this bad communication/listening/follow through thing, it's hard to say something (again) because he's probably trying to do something nice...he just isn't doing the right nice thing because he doesn't listen. Or something.

 

*He recently asked me again what I wanted for Christmas, and without thinking said something like "I'll have to think about it...the only thing I had really come up with were those tickets for my bday."

 

So if he were actually listening and paying attention to what I said before this wouldn't have been a problem, but maybe this is why he still thinks that?

 

But then even tonight, I said something and he was like "Yeah, I know it's not on your bday, sorry we can't do it on X day."

Edited December 19, 2009 by New Again

[boogieboy]

Yeah because youre not being clear. I dont get it.

 

You were supposed to celebrate your birthday, the day after the wedding.

Is the show on that day after the wedding?

If not, then you still have monday to celebrate your birthday. Areyou not celebrating your birthday the day after the wedding? What am I missing here?

 

Why didnt you tell him that you dont care about going to the show since its not on your birthday?

[New Again]

Yeah because youre not being clear. I dont get it.

 

You were supposed to celebrate your birthday, the day after the wedding.

Is the show on that day after the wedding?

If not, then you still have monday to celebrate your birthday.

 

Why didnt you tell him that you dont care about going to the show since its not on your birthday?

Yes, I did:

 

NA: Remember how I wanted to go to that show? Well, that's something I'd like to do sometime, but mostly I just wanted to go to it because it was on my bday. Since we can't do that due to the wedding, I want us to do something together to celebrate my birthday the day after the wedding. The only thing that I really truly want for my birthday is to celebrate it on my actual birthday, or at least that weekend.

And this is the part where he demonstrated understanding:

Then he said something like:

B/f: Sure we can do that. We'll plan on getting up early the day after the wedding [here I thought WOW he's talking this really seriously, as I expected him to get hammered and be wicked hungover], go somewhere nice for brunch then do blah blah blah.

 

*Blah blah blah being various activities that would've made me really happy, and were above and beyond my expectations for my request.*

Hence, my confusion as to why we're back to not doing what we agreed on and instead are going to the show I don't care about and celebrating my bday nearly 2 weeks later.

[boogieboy]

Now I can see where your communications problems lie, you dont answer questions. Now Im beyond frustrated.

 

Why are you not celebrating your birthday on the Monday after the wedding?

 

Is the show that same monday?

 

What is going on on Monday?

 

And if you dont want to go to the show, then cancel it. And celebrate your birthday instead. Make it clear that you wont accept celebrating your bday 2 weeks after your bday.

[threebyfate]

It's like he latches onto non-key points.

 

It's almost like you have to use point form communication.

 

I've tried at least three times to write something more direct. And each time, it's filled with sarcasm, hence not a good idea.

 

Is this what happens to you when you try to talk to him, New Again?

[threebyfate]

Now I can see where your communications problems lie, you dont answer questions. Now Im beyond frustrated.

 

Why are you not celebrating your birthday on the Monday after the wedding?

 

Is the show that same monday?

 

What is going on on Monday?

 

And if you dont want to go to the show, then cancel it. And celebrate your birthday instead. Make it clear that you wont accept celebrating your bday 2 weeks after your bday.

boogieboy, her b/f couldn't get tickets for Monday, so instead of telling her this, he rescheduled for another weekend which totally defeats what's important to her.

[New Again]

Now I can see where your communications problems lie, you dont answer questions. Now Im beyond frustrated.

 

Why are you not celebrating your birthday on the Monday after the wedding?

 

Is the show that same monday?

 

What is going on on Monday?

 

And if you dont want to go to the show, then cancel it. And celebrate your birthday instead. Make it clear that you wont accept celebrating your bday 2 weeks after your bday.

He and I are no longer celebrating my bday on the day after the wedding (Sunday) OR on Monday, because he decided instead that we would celebrate 2 weeks later by going to the show. For some reason he has it in his head that that is what I reallyreallyreallyreally want to do.

 

The show is either on my bday (so clearly we're not going to that one), or almost 2 weeks later...NOT that Monday.

 

NOTHING is going on on Monday, except everyone going to work and going about their business as usual.

 

By springing this wedding on me (he RSVPed he was bring me without asking me or telling me about it until I told him what I wanted to do for my bday and he responded with "We can't, we're going to a wedding") he took away my ability to celebrate my birthday with my friends and family in the way I wanted.

 

My plan was to eat cake, go to this show and go bar hopping afterward. The wedding is 6 hours away from us so will take up the entire weekend.

 

He seems to think that by getting these tickets he's doing something really nice for me, and he's all excited about it. So I don't feel I can bring this up to him AGAIN and ask AGAIN to celebrate closer to my bday in a different way. And since he thinks he's doing something nice, I will go with a big fat smile on my face and I will enjoy myself and thank him for his effort.

 

But in the meantime, we need to work on our communication, because it sucks!!

[threebyfate]

New Again, in some ways, boogieboy is right. I just stepped back and reread this thread.

 

Do you know what might be the problem? Too much detail and not in linear form.

[boogieboy]

He seems to think that by getting these tickets he's doing something really nice for me, and he's all excited about it. So I don't feel I can bring this up to him AGAIN and ask AGAIN to celebrate closer to my bday in a different way. And since he thinks he's doing something nice, I will go with a big fat smile on my face and I will enjoy myself and thank him for his effort.

 

He took off monday once, he cant take off again so you can celebrate on time, which is what you REALLY want?

 

Do you know what might be the problem? Too much detail and not in linear form.

Well she is venting, what canya do, ykno?

Edited December 19, 2009 by boogieboy

[New Again]

It's like he latches onto non-key points.

 

It's almost like you have to use point form communication.

 

I've tried at least three times to write something more direct. And each time, it's filled with sarcasm, hence not a good idea.

 

Is this what happens to you when you try to talk to him, New Again?

 

Yes, he definitely latches onto non-key points almost anytime I am trying to talk to him about something important (like bday), or a problem (like the whole ex-gf thing), or if I'm mad/hurt about something (like that whole thread about doing huge favors for random people).

 

He latches onto non-key points, which ends up derailing the entire conversation. I think at first I tried different ways of communicating, but once he gets that one idea in his head he doesn't let go or listen to anything else.

 

In the last 6 or 7 or 8 months I've gotten so that I start to shut down instead of communicate, because I'm just so frustrated, and really there's no reason these things should turn into a fight, since they should just be a discussion and then done.

 

At the heart of it, this is probably why I joined this sight; we started having this problem....I think this is at the root of all the problems we've had.

[threebyfate]

Yes, he definitely latches onto non-key points almost anytime I am trying to talk to him about something important (like bday), or a problem (like the whole ex-gf thing), or if I'm mad/hurt about something (like that whole thread about doing huge favors for random people).

 

He latches onto non-key points, which ends up derailing the entire conversation. I think at first I tried different ways of communicating, but once he gets that one idea in his head he doesn't let go or listen to anything else.

 

In the last 6 or 7 or 8 months I've gotten so that I start to shut down instead of communicate, because I'm just so frustrated, and really there's no reason these things should turn into a fight, since they should just be a discussion and then done.

 

At the heart of it, this is probably why I joined this sight; we started having this problem....I think this is at the root of all the problems we've had.

Then you're going to have to discuss one salient point at a time.

 

"The most important thing is to celebrate my birthday, ON my birthday weekend. Everything else is moot."

[New Again]

New Again, in some ways, boogieboy is right. I just stepped back and reread this thread.

 

Do you know what might be the problem? Too much detail and not in linear form.

Definitely could be...I think I'm more clear and concise when I'm not venting but yes....when I have something important to say, or a problem, I tend to write it down and edit it for clarity and to organize my thoughts. So ths could definitely be an issue.

 

He took off monday once, he cant take off again so you can celebrate on time, which is what you REALLY want?

Sorry, no, he was going to take Monday off, so we could celebrate, and now he's not going to. The show he got tickets for is on a weekend.

 

All I want is for my bday to be celebrated on the weekend of my bday/the wedding...but I also want it to be more significant that a "Happy birthday" and a shot at the wedding reception bar. Just a cake would make me happy...

[boogieboy]

Point form communication deary, point form communication.

 

1 question, 1 answer.

 

If he asks you a question, answer it directly and get it over with so he can move on to the next question.

 

If you are trying to tell him a problem you have, you have to directly address the questions he asks you so HE can understand. If he latches on to points he feels are important, its so he can sort it out and figure out a solution to get to the point you think are important. You cant keep hammering your key point if he doesnt understand where youre coming from.

 

Just like now, I asked you specific questions, and you glazed over them all and latched on to the one question to re-iterate the point youre trying to make.

[boogieboy]

Sorry, no, he was going to take Monday off, so we could celebrate, and now he's not going to. The show he got tickets for is on a weekend.

 

This isnt going to make you happy. I get that he thinks 2 weeks later is just as good as your bday weekend, but he has an agenda clearly.

 

How bout blowing off the show and TELLING him you want to celebrate on MONDAY and only monday, and you dont care about the show since its not on your bday?

Edited December 19, 2009 by boogieboy