pandagirl Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 My third date with my guy went wonderfully, but I'm still confused and wary. I know things will become clearer if/when I get to know him better, but there is a dichotomy in in personality that bothers me. He is very, um, "colorful" with his affections towards me. He makes it very clear he is very into me, telling me I'm "perfect" and how I'm everything he imagined and more. I wake up to texts every morning that say: "Good morning beautiful." Nice, but...Yikes. Makes me suspect he could be a player or he's just one of those people who comes on very strong in the beginning, only to make a quick exit. However, the other side is a seemingly very genuine, caring guy. He is very communicative. I can tell him whatever I'm feeling and he's happy to discuss it with me. This morning the taxi was honking outside my window as I was stressed out and scrambling to get my bags together. He just looked at me and said: "It's OK. Take your time. I'll go outside and tell the driver you need 10 minutes." So he went outside in the freezing cold, in his boxers to tell the cabbie that. Out of everything overly romantic thing he's ever said to me, that was the most meaningful to me. The two sides of him -- overzealous romantic and grounded mensch -- don't match up to me. I didn't give many examples, but I have found most of my stories with him can fit into one of these two categories. Am I over-analyzing? I'd really like to hear your opinions on someone like this.
alphamale Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Am I over-analyzing? I'd really like to hear your opinions on someone like this. sounds like he's been "around teh block" a few times
Author pandagirl Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 sounds like he's been "around teh block" a few times haha. What do you mean? A player?
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 until he does something 'wrong', i would give him the benefit of the doubt. Saying you are beautiful and texting you is not a warning sign. Going outside in the cold with his boxers on to tell the cab you need more time, IS a warning sign. A warning that he is most likely a good guy. He sounds caring. My $.02
boogieboy Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Youre over analyzing, and you came here to further over analyze. Just enjoy the pampering treatment until you have proof of a real problem, stop looking for problems that arent there yet.
meerkat stew Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Is this the same guy from the other thread? His gushiness is a big red flag for several reasons, you have already listed a couple.
Author pandagirl Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Youre over analyzing, and you came here to further over analyze. Just enjoy the pampering treatment until you have proof of a real problem, stop looking for problems that arent there yet. This echoes the sentiments of my friends! They tells me to RELAX. haha. They says I'm overly suspicious. Even the guy I'm dating knows I'm like this. Last night he told me: "I don't want to get hurt either, and I know I could, but it's not going to make me push you away or not enjoy being happy now." The wall around my heart is quite thick, obviously.
Author pandagirl Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Is this the same guy from the other thread? His gushiness is a big red flag for several reasons, you have already listed a couple. Yes, same guy from the other thread. Obviously, I know they are red flags, that's why I asking for advice!
alphamale Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 haha. What do you mean? A player? after only 3 dates he's being waaaay too affectionate. and telling you that you'rre "perfect"? come on, no one is perfect, we all know that. the early morning texts, totally inappropriate this early on.
DollyMix Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Its only your third date? stop stressing and enjoy, He sounds like a good guy just enjoy until he gives you reason not to
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Is this the same guy from the other thread? His gushiness is a big red flag for several reasons, you have already listed a couple. red flags, as in a bad thing? how so? if this is true, no wonder im still single. I always like to do nice things for people I start dating and usually like to say nice things to them as well. if that's 'gushing' and thats 'bad', no wonder. I dunno, I just thought people would like to be treated right/nice.
Author pandagirl Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 after only 3 dates he's being waaaay too affectionate. and telling you that you'rre "perfect"? come on, no one is perfect, we all know that. the early morning texts, totally inappropriate this early on. if this is true, no wonder im still single. I always like to do nice things for people I start dating and usually like to say nice things to them as well. if that's 'gushing' and thats 'bad', no wonder. Interesting to hear these two male perspectives. Have I been socially "programmed" to be overly suspicious of guys like this?
CLC2008 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I think those are signals for you and you need to decipher if it's directly related to this individual, or if it's something else. Are there other things aside from this, that are making you feel uneasy?
alphamale Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Have I been socially "programmed" to be overly suspicious of guys like this? indeed pandagurl, indeed
meerkat stew Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 @stevejohnson, well I was getting to "gushing" by combining this thread with the other one. Panda, I don't mean to say you should blow this guy off, but what possible grounds could he have for all these over the top compliments after three dates? You two don't know each other, and you don't really know whether he's what you call a hyper-romantic/mensch or not, now do you? He sounds like a used car salesman to me actually, and if you want to buy a used car that's fine... Agree with others that you should just have fun, but keep an eye on this one, something is fishy.
threebyfate Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I didn't read your other thread panda but from what you've mentioned in this particular thread, I would say for you to relax and enjoy yourself. It's only been 3 dates. Time will tell who this guy is.
Author pandagirl Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 I think those are signals for you and you need to decipher if it's directly related to this individual, or if it's something else. Are there other things aside from this, that are making you feel uneasy? The one other thing that bothers me is we met on an online dating site with a shady introduction. He pushed my limits before we met, but as soon as we met in person, that has not happened. He brought me to a company holiday party. He talks of the future in a casual way ("Oh, you'll met so-and-so"). He tells me he just wants me to be "comfortable" and will do whatever I need him to do to make that possible. I just can't get certain things out of my head.
alphamale Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 i mean telling someone they are "perfect" after 3 dates (approx 12 hours of knowing them) is ludicrous. think about it for a minute. and a compliment here or there is very flattering but being bombarded by them this early on is ridiculous. something doesn't jive with this dude...
Author pandagirl Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 i mean telling someone they are "perfect" after 3 dates (approx 12 hours of knowing them) is ludicrous. think about it for a minute. and a compliment here or there is very flattering but being bombarded by them this early on is ridiculous. something doesn't jive with this dude... I agree. You shouldn't tell someone they are perfect (ahem, on the first date). I think what happened is before we met, we were IMing hours a day, and got to know each other that way. I think he made up some "vision" of me and what I would be like. When he met me, he said I was exactly what he expected... and more. So it's almost like, for him, his "dream girl" came true. But, I am no dream girl! Granted, he can point out why I am. He says I am beautiful, witty, intelligent and hilarious. Which I am. But that's beside the point. ha! It might be helpful to add that he is very bright. And I just don't mean smart, but like he skipped 2-3 grades. In a way, his extreme intelligence has made him a little...odd?
CLC2008 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 The one other thing that bothers me is we met on an online dating site with a shady introduction. He pushed my limits before we met, but as soon as we met in person, that has not happened. He brought me to a company holiday party. He talks of the future in a casual way ("Oh, you'll met so-and-so"). He tells me he just wants me to be "comfortable" and will do whatever I need him to do to make that possible. I just can't get certain things out of my head. It's one thing to be nervous when first meeting someone, but if you don't mind me asking, what do you mean by "he pushed my limits before we met"?
meerkat stew Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 It might be helpful to add that he is very bright. And I just don't mean smart, but like he skipped 2-3 grades. In a way, his extreme intelligence has made him a little...odd? Smart people are no more or less odd than anyone else. His grade skipping could make him a little socially retarded though, sure. How old is this guy again? We talking Doogie Howser here? Hours of IMing don't mean you know someone at all. Speaking from experience of getting too deep too quick in internet fueled relationships in the past.
Author pandagirl Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 (edited) It's one thing to be nervous when first meeting someone, but if you don't mind me asking, what do you mean by "he pushed my limits before we met"? we met on OK Cupid through the IM function. I didn't even realize you could IM on the site, and it was late and he was obviously drunk and on the prowl. I basically blew him off and told him, "If you're looking for sex, you can move on." I didn't really think of him, but he kept on talking to me, and slowly I learned more about him and I found him interesting and funny. Interspersed in our conversations were sexually charged comments by him, which I always deflected, or straight out told him it made me uncomfortable. It wasn't anything lewd, but he would tell me I was "sexy" and how he wanted to kiss me. When I agreed to meet him, I was intrigued and curious, but didn't think i would actually LIKE him. He was completely different in person than over IM. I imagined someone strange, untalkative and stoic. He is personable, funny and academic. I just met him, but I am so on guard with him. I am calling the "shots." So far, he seems happy to follow my lead. He is very outside my type. I usually date pretty traditionally good-looking guys with an athletic built. He is...not that. But I feel so comfortable around him that it's odd. Edited December 19, 2009 by pandagirl
boogieboy Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 But, I am no dream girl! Granted, he can point out why I am. He says I am beautiful, witty, intelligent and hilarious. Which I am. But that's beside the point. ? Well if you wanna sabotage this so badly so you can say you were right, show him how you arent his dream girl, and expose him.
CLC2008 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 we met on OK Cupid through the IM function. I didn't even realize you could IM on the site, and it was late and he was obviously drunk and on the prowl. I basically blew him off and told him, "If you're looking for sex, you can move on." I didn't really think of him, but he kept on talking to me, and slowly I learned more about him and I found him interesting and funny. Interspersed in our conversations were sexually charged comments by him, which I always deflected, or straight out told him it made me uncomfortable. It wasn't anything lewd, but he would tell me I was "sexy" and how he wanted to kiss me. When I agreed to meet him, I was intrigued and curious, but didn't think i would actually LIKE him. He was completely different in person than over IM. I imagined someone strange, untalkative and stoic. He is personable, funny and academic. I just met him, but I am so on guard with him. I am calling the "shots." So far, he seems happy to follow my lead. How he approached you, and how you responded, it's a shaky start and perhaps that's why you're a little anxious about the whole thing? If your initial "gut" was that he was just looking for sex, that's something that is going to stick out in your mind, obviously.
Author pandagirl Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 How he approached you, and how you responded, it's a shaky start and perhaps that's why you're a little anxious about the whole thing? If your initial "gut" was that he was just looking for sex, that's something that is going to stick out in your mind, obviously. That's maybe it. The whole thing feels tainted to me. After our first date I told him I move slow when it comes to sex and dating, and he told me he would wait and whatever made me comfortable is what he wants. It's clear now he isn't in it just for sex, but I still can't shake it from my head.
Recommended Posts