ForRealLoveMe Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 A while I ago I met this guy from a dating site. We hit it off very well. We've talked about many things and we share the same beliefs in dating and relationships. We've both been burned and hurt in the past, but were very happy we found each other. We eventually became boyfriend and girlfriend. Eventually we became sexually intimate. He was okay with me wanting to wait, he never pushed me. He is very affectionate and sweet. Then came today. He spent the night and we had plans today. Sometimes I get scared and push guys away without meaning to. I was quite moody (I also am due for my period and such). Up and down all day. He left to go get cleaned up and said he'd be back in an hour and a half. I took a nap and woke up to his phone call. He just got back home, it had been an hour and a half already, which was fine, but we kept getting short with each other. I got upset and just hung up. I called back a while later, and we bickered a little. It was just me being stupid. He called me out on my mood swings. Said maybe this just wont work out. Which was weird because he's always told me if something is bothering me just to tell him so we can work through it. He then said he wasn't feeling good and wanted to take a nap. I asked when he'd be coming by to get me and he said 4 or 5. It is now 6:30. I called his house and was told he wasn't there. I haven't heard from him. I'm very sad about this. I want to keep him and want to get past my being scared of getting hurt. Is it possible that maybe he is putting his walls up because he's scared as well? He's been through a lot of stuff just as I have. We click so well. Today I just felt super sensitive and moody. I am not going to call again, but maybe I could send him a brief email?
Pink Cupcakes Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 This will tell if he is really into you or not. If he will bail over just one incident like this, which is basically nothing, then he really isn't that invested in the relationship.
Yukikazi Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 This will tell if he is really into you or not. If he will bail over just one incident like this, which is basically nothing, then he really isn't that invested in the relationship. So its his fault she's a basket case? What makes you think its just this 1 incident.. I get the feeling this is an ongoing issue.
Author ForRealLoveMe Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Up until today we've never had a problem. He asked me to be his girlfriend. He was calling me his girlfriend to his friends and stuff before we officially agreed on it. He told me he was falling for me. Now he just told me it isn't going to work. I feel defeated.
RedDevil66 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Men don't like drama and will run at the first sign of it. Not sure how long you've been with him, but the hanging up seems a little extreme
Author ForRealLoveMe Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 We have been together for over a month. I hung up because I was getting frusterated and didn't want to say something I didn't mean. Aside from past things I have had to deal with and have been put on me, I do not have drama in my life. I am a very happy person. He always told me "Please don't hurt me" and always told me to communicate with him. I feel like crap about all of this.
alphamale Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I am not going to call again, but maybe I could send him a brief email? no i just think you should leave him alone
RedDevil66 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Well you've only known him 4 weeks. That is too short a time to be "bickering" and hanging up on someone. He is running from the drama. Just tell him you're sorry and you were wrong
Author ForRealLoveMe Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 I did tell him I was sorry that was wrong. I don't always get scared and do this, but if I am feeling this way again, how can I get my head to not feel so scared?
boogieboy Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 We have been together for over a month. I hung up because I was getting frusterated and didn't want to say something I didn't mean. Aside from past things I have had to deal with and have been put on me, I do not have drama in my life. I am a very happy person. He always told me "Please don't hurt me" and always told me to communicate with him. I feel like crap about all of this. You are a drama queen. You like the drama. The sooner you admit it, the sooner you will start fixing your issue. If he put up any walls, its because you gave him a reason to. This is probably the type of thing he went though with his ex, and since you were completely unreasonable, and didnt communicate to him why, he bailed on you.. I wouldnt want to deal with you either. How do you get in your head not to be scared? You can try thinking first. Well you obviously took him for granted because you thought he would put up with your moodiness. You need to learn to appreciate when you have a good thing and THINK before you start getting moody with someone. THINK before you start bickering with someone because youre scared. THINK that he hasnt given you a reason to be scared of getting hurt. THINK before you deliberately sabotage a budding relationship and waste someone elses time.
Author ForRealLoveMe Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 I know what I did was dramatic. I didn't deny it. BB you make good suggestions for dealing with the fear. I hope he gives me a chance to use those suggestions. I feel horrible for being that way.
boogieboy Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I know what I did was dramatic. I didn't deny it. BB you make good suggestions for dealing with the fear. I hope he gives me a chance to use those suggestions. I feel horrible for being that way. Just know it will take some practice mentally, to be able to stop yourself from getting riled up emotional and talking in this state of mind. You'll have to take a breath when you feel it coming on, think that he hasnt given you a reason to panic, and get back to normal. Hopefully you can explain your fear to him, and something he says will help assure you that theres no reason to panic. Make sure you work to get him back!
Author ForRealLoveMe Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Just know it will take some practice mentally, to be able to stop yourself from getting riled up emotional and talking in this state of mind. You'll have to take a breath when you feel it coming on, think that he hasnt given you a reason to panic, and get back to normal. Hopefully you can explain your fear to him, and something he says will help assure you that theres no reason to panic. Make sure you work to get him back! But how can I even get him back? I feel so bad and he straight out told me not to call him. I emailed him and tried to explain what was going through my head, but I told him I know it doesn't excuse how I acted. It was weird too, because he's told me how much he likes that I'm affectionate with him and stuff, and then today it just seemed to piss him off. Like it was too much. I felt a difference between today even before the bickering started, in how he was with me from before. It set alarms off in me and made me feel uneasy. He told me I was being really sensitive and stuff. Which isn't normal for me. The fears are sometimes normal, but they haven't surfaced in a long time.
boogieboy Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Oh well if thats the cse dont call him or email him. You told him the deal, but if he said not to call him, that might be the kiss of death. Move on for now, if he calls, then hopefully you can start again. But you have to start learning to fix this so you dont do this agian with the next guy.
Author ForRealLoveMe Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 I wonder if he'll write back, and if he does what he will say and what I should say. Maybe I'm just someone better off alone.
Author ForRealLoveMe Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 What I don't understand is why would he always tell me if he does anything that bothers me, to tell him and not just dump him over it, if he isn't willing to talk about it and just get rid of me.
pandagirl Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I feel like the OP hasn't done anything outrageously bad. She was moody. She overreacted. Became difficult. Who hasn't does this at some point in a relationship? If she apologized and admits her fault, and tries to work on herself, then that's all she can do. And OP, I understand why you push people away. You're testing them, to see how far you can push them. The problem is, once you do push them away, you regret it.
boogieboy Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I feel like the OP hasn't done anything outrageously bad. She was moody. She overreacted. Became difficult. Who hasn't does this at some point in a relationship? If she apologized and admits her fault, and tries to work on herself, then that's all she can do. And OP, I understand why you push people away. You're testing them, to see how far you can push them. The problem is, once you do push them away, you regret it. Oh youre a drama queen tester too eh? I dont know if you read the OP, but she is only a month in with this guy.
Author ForRealLoveMe Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 He's told me many times "Please don't hurt me". Maybe he is scared too? I let my guard down with him, then I put it back up. I wish I could go back and fix things.
carhill Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 So much for the honeymoon. How's the sex? I'll opine a bit too fast and that speed probably contributed to the drama and reactions on both sides. Enjoy your family during the holidays and leave him alone unless he approaches you. That's my advice. Best wishes
Author ForRealLoveMe Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 I moved a year ago, and can't get home for the holidays. So I'll be completely alone for the holidays.
boogieboy Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 What I don't understand is why would he always tell me if he does anything that bothers me, to tell him and not just dump him over it, if he isn't willing to talk about it and just get rid of me. If he got the impression from you that cant communicate with you while your moody, then he thinks something like that cant be fixed, and thats why he bailed.
Author ForRealLoveMe Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Will the fact that I admitted my errors show I can communicate, or at least work on it?
meerkat stew Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 OP, your post resonates with me and I feel really sad for you due to experiencing a similar situation with the last woman I felt could turn into something long-term back in early 2008. When men who have healthy self-respect hear snapping or mood swings early on, it makes us feel that you don't respect us and really don't care about us that much. It makes us feel that if you are taking liberties so quickly with us that much worse is in store down the line. It makes us feel that you are not into us, but that we are part of an agenda, and just to be tolerated rather than loved for ourselves. OTOH, I have always given women chances when they start this kind of behavior early. If your guy doesn't seem to want to give you a second chance, hate to say it, but odds are he was not going to turn into a longterm prospect anyway. Better to find out now than later when you have invested significant time. He may need a little time to cool off, and if he sees potential he will be back. And also want to bring up, is it possible that your snapping and hanging up are really signs that you truly aren't that into him? If so, then it's better for you to look further and find a man who commands your respect and consideration, a man whom you will think before speaking to disrespectfully.
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