redfathom Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 to take out the trash tonight. Back story, he just got back from a two week class for work. He came home over the weekend to relax then went back. The drive is about 1.5 hours from our house, one way. He was heading down to his car to get the last of his stuff and I asked him on his way down to take out the trash (dumpster about 50 feet from his car) now he is pissed at me and won't talk to me. Just one bag of trash, I took down several boxes yesterday. His reply was that I was home all week and could have done it. He acts like I had nothing to do and saved the trash just for him to take out. I would have taken it but my legs hurt from work and we live upstairs and walking down them hurts. He get's like this anytime I ask him to do something not on his day off. Yesterday he snapped at me while we were on the phone because I asked him the time of an event we are going to this weekend, because I was distracted and not listenting to him. Instead he wanted me to stop what I was doing, so I could listen to him tell me about his class for 30 minutes. He told me to just look for the tickets instead of asking him. The thing is, I have a lot to do. I just got home from taking a final for my class, it was 7:30 PM and I was trying to get his christmas gifts wrapped and hidden because I didn't want him coming home before me to find them. It just annoys me that he thinks his day is so much more important and busy then mine. We both worked the same amount of hours, but I take classes three nights a week and have homework. He can't even tell me what he wants to get his brothers for x-mas, he said he hasn't had time to get me my x-mas gift. But on Tuesday he spent $185 getting an 80 minute massage and relaxing at the spa after his class. I went shopping for wrapping paper and came home and wrapped about half our gifts in three hours. I don't think I should feel guilty or sorry for asking him to take the trash down...he thinks I am being inconsiderate. But I am tired of apologizing for acting like the things I do are important, just as important as what he does. I am doing all of the xmas errands and chores by myself, and it's a busy week to get things done for that. Just venting. Should I suck it up ad apologize or tell him that I think he's being insensative?
Tayla Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 No, here is what you can do. Walk a mile in his shoes. Then and only then can you understand why someone re-acted to what you perceived to be a simple request. To him it was one more thing on his Honeydo list. Sometimes its best to see the whole picture before getting all up in yourself about how much you do and see if from there end too. ANd yes, it is annoying when someone has to repeat themselves because a person *wasnt* paying attention in the conversation. Listening means being in the moment in which the person is speaking and not letting the mind wander. I realize that you carry much responsibility and that too desrves acknowledged by your mate. So if you are going to approach the matter so you can both learn which buttons not to push or assume that Gosh they just got home, they can chip in...remember they were also working, driving or trying to accomplish other tasks at work or in other dutiful ways.... My brother said that was one of the most irritating things when he was married....coming home and getting a list. Like he hadnt contributed by Having a JOB and making something so he could come home to a welcoming mate
Author redfathom Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 No, here is what you can do. Walk a mile in his shoes. Then and only then can you understand why someone re-acted to what you perceived to be a simple request. To him it was one more thing on his Honeydo list. Sometimes its best to see the whole picture before getting all up in yourself about how much you do and see if from there end too. ANd yes, it is annoying when someone has to repeat themselves because a person *wasnt* paying attention in the conversation. Listening means being in the moment in which the person is speaking and not letting the mind wander. I realize that you carry much responsibility and that too desrves acknowledged by your mate. So if you are going to approach the matter so you can both learn which buttons not to push or assume that Gosh they just got home, they can chip in...remember they were also working, driving or trying to accomplish other tasks at work or in other dutiful ways.... My brother said that was one of the most irritating things when he was married....coming home and getting a list. Like he hadnt contributed by Having a JOB and making something so he could come home to a welcoming mateI didn't give him a list, I got home at the same time, helped him carry stuff up from his car, two trips, started to pickup the house and asked him on his way down to drop off the trash, it's efficient. He was going down there to get a bad. I also asked him what he wanted for dinner, so I could make or order something. I work 45 hours a week, go to school six hours a week and have 5 hours of homework a week. He works 40 hours... The problem is we both work fulltime, but he thinks that gives him a free ride to do things around the house. I pay the bills, cooking, clean the kicthen, gorcery shopping, usually do the laundry by myself. I do walk a mile in his shoes and a mile and a half in my own. He wasn't upset that I wasn;t listening, he was upset that I was talking...he wanted to be talking and bascially said what I had to say wasn't important. I know he does a lot, it's called life. It's called responsabilities, we all have them, I just want the load to be carried equally. I don't want to work all day and come home to helping him take his stuff up from the car, but I did. I don't want to run errands after work and come home and wrap gifts for hours either. I would have much rather had a massage like he did...
Author redfathom Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 As for your brothers comment about having a job and thus contibuting, what do you do when you both contibute by having a job, but also being expected to do all of the house hold items...?
RedDevil66 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Honestly, tell him to "suck it up" and let him be mad. He won't die from being mad! If taking out the trash is the only thing you ask him to do, he needs to man up
Author redfathom Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Honestly, tell him to "suck it up" and let him be mad. He won't die from being mad! If taking out the trash is the only thing you ask him to do, he needs to man upThat was all I asked tonight. He feels that I need to be more sympathetic to his schedule. I understand that and I am, I used to be more, until I resented it. We haven't fought in so long because we are good at working things out, but I won't apologize for this. He can stay mad, or we can discuss it like adults.
Author redfathom Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Perfect example of something that irritates me. He get's home 30 minutes to an hour before I do and I have classes where I only get an hour or 30 minutes to relax and get dinner. When ever i ask him to pick up dinner (he won't make dinner) he always tells me we can wait until I get home and go get it together. Or asks me to pick something up on my way home... Yes, because with my 30-60 minutes I have to eat before my three hour class I really want to run out, or just don't have time to. I understand he just got home and wants to relax too, but he get's the whole night to relax while I am at class. It's just a favor I would like him to do sometimes. Now I buy lunchables and eat those before class...
RedDevil66 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Make your own supper and let him get his own. He's giving you no other choice. Ask him to talk about why he resents this and why he's being a huge baby and see if he talks. If he doesn't want to communicate his feelings, let it go and just do your own thing
Author redfathom Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Make your own supper and let him get his own. He's giving you no other choice. Ask him to talk about why he resents this and why he's being a huge baby and see if he talks. If he doesn't want to communicate his feelings, let it go and just do your own thingI have learned not to push it, if he doesn't want to talk, especially about something like this then that's fine with me. I will onlu be able to agree to disagree on this one anyways...
quankanne Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 "look butt-munch, I'm asking you to do one small thing that isn't going to take you out of your way from what you're fixing to do anyway. If that's too much for you to handle, just say so. But remember, in the future when you 'need' me to do something for you, I'm going to tell you 'no' out of principle. I try very hard not to bother you, but sometimes, I need your help. Not for you to be an @ss about a small favor. Therefore, if it's not important enough for you to do something small but extremely helpful to me, then won't be important enough to me to do things for you to help you out in a pinch." b!tchy, yes, but dammit, one person should not be expect to make the household run smoothly, no matter HOW tired their partner is. All hands on deck, helping out because help is needed, not getting hissy-pissy about being asked to help.
Tayla Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Pardon, but I read your text and based it on the way it was expressed. Whether you both work or not, the point was made clearly on one way in which you *Could* handle it. Clearly you are taking the high and mighty road. So lets just say that you'll always lose if you allow to keep a mental list of HOW Much more you contribute then the other person. Not a fan of anyone who gives the "suck it up" advise. Its disregarding to the others perspective,which the poster made clear that she has a grasp on a perspective. I just get the sense that this persons self importance means wearing the pants in the family. Again, its my interpretation based on text responses. Most married adults may have pre-set chores, duties that from time to time may need to be altered. It happens. So work thru it instead of adding to it.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 If someone thinks that having a JOB entitles them to a welcoming mate, then they should just stick to the paid help. lol. Don't do any of his x-mas shopping, shrug it off when he refuses to take out the trash, wait until his brothers are mad and there's maggots in the kitchen and say, "Well, I did ask for your help." Even people with JOBS manage to take out their household trash, and they do their own shopping, too! Wow, imagine that.
giotto Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 tell him to grow up and do his own cooking/cleaning... who are you? His maid? He should get a grip on reality and stop being a big baby...
Boundary Problem Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 tell him to grow up and do his own cooking/cleaning... who are you? His maid? He should get a grip on reality and stop being a big baby... Do men like you really exist?
giotto Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Do men like you really exist? yes, even on this planet...
Boundary Problem Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 yes, even on this planet... Wow. I was up until 10:30pm the other night making dinner for the next day. Even if the other person kept you company while you work on the task it would be nice. I guess they call that companionship.
giotto Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Wow. I was up until 10:30pm the other night making dinner for the next day. Even if the other person kept you company while you work on the task it would be nice. I guess they call that companionship. and where was your partner/husband/man? I do all the cooking, but then I enjoy it... Why 10:30pm? Couldn't wait? I cook for my wife when she is back from her shift at 10:00pm, but then there is a reason...
Boundary Problem Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 and where was your partner/husband/man? I do all the cooking, but then I enjoy it... Why 10:30pm? Couldn't wait? I cook for my wife when she is back from her shift at 10:00pm, but then there is a reason... I wanted the food ready for the next day, plus I was making muffins for my son's lunch. I usually cook alone. I wear headphones. You find something to occupy your mind during these repetitive tasks when you don't have companionship.
giotto Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I wanted the food ready for the next day, plus I was making muffins for my son's lunch. I usually cook alone. I wear headphones. You find something to occupy your mind during these repetitive tasks when you don't have companionship. ok... I never wear headphones... I like to blast the music through my speakers! lol... You know you can buy perfectly edible muffins? You don't have to bake them at 10:30pm... ok, I read some of your posts and I know why your "partner" isn't there... I hope I haven't brought back bad memories... sorry! Now, not to stray off topic, I think the OP should point out that the relationship is unbalanced and that he needs to concentrate more on tasks in the house instead of being selfish and focis on himself only when off work...
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