reservoirdog1 Posted December 20, 2003 Posted December 20, 2003 I'm posting here because my marriage/relationship of 11 years has ended (not divorced yet but will be) and I'm pretty rusty about this whole thing. I recently asked a girl I like out to dinner. We'd met through mutual friends, and there were some mutual expressions of interest via these friends as intermediaries. Took her out to dinner on Wednesday night and we both had a great time (she's said as much, several times) -- it was one of those dinners where you sit down at 8, and the next time you happen to notice your watch, it's 11:30. Ended up staying there till after midnight, just talking, and neither of us have any idea where those 4+ hours went. I drove her home -- hug, kiss on the cheek, goodnight. Since then we've exchanged several emails, both saying "looking forward to seeing you again very soon", and I'll be seeing her with a group of friends tonight. We've also talked on the phone a few times. The mutual friends in question have told me, before we went out, that she's a "nice girl". During dinner I asked her, in a polite / funny way, "how come you don't have a boyfriend? That really surprises me." She said she didn't really know, but that she'd been lied to by men in the past (serious basis of commonality -- my XW spent the whole marriage lying to me). We seem to have a lot in common and she's a great person. My sense is that she prefers to take things slow and get to know somebody first, which is OK with me -- I'm not in a huge rush, though I'd like to make it clear that I'm potentially interested in something more than being "just friends". During dinner I tried to do just that, in a subtle, non-sleazy way. Besides, I know I've got to avoid comparing her approach to that of my XW, as though my XW's approach is somehow the standard (within 3 hours of meeting my XW we were playing tonsil hockey, and then during the marriage she had 3 affairs) and drawing conclusions as to this girl's intentions. This is rambling, I know, but does anybody have some insight as to how I can determine whether she sees me as just friend material, or something more? I'm pretty much flying blind here. I guess there's the direct approach, but if she likes to take things slow, I don't want to scare her off. Advice?
SoleMate Posted December 21, 2003 Posted December 21, 2003 Took her out to dinner on Wednesday night and we both had a great time (she's said as much, several times) -- it was one of those dinners where you sit down at 8, and the next time you happen to notice your watch, it's 11:30. Yeah, she likes you a lot. She knows about the separation, right? That's a great reason to stay officially "just friends" until your paperwork is final. If you're both itching to rip the othes person's clothes off, the anticipation will make the consummation that much better. "Nice girls" typically won't get down and dirty with married men - of which group you are one until the paperwork is final.
Author reservoirdog1 Posted December 21, 2003 Author Posted December 21, 2003 She knows about the separation, right? That's a great reason to stay officially "just friends" until your paperwork is final. If you're both itching to rip the othes person's clothes off, the anticipation will make the consummation that much better. "Nice girls" typically won't get down and dirty with married men - of which group you are one until the paperwork is final. Yeah, problem being, we're in Canada, and you have to stay separated for a year before getting a divorce. And I definitely don't want to just sit on the sidelines for the next 10 months. Last night went OK, I think. We talked a lot, drinks with friends, etc., got home at 3 am and then she and I spent the next 1/2 hour IM'ing each other (she started it). Anyway, while we were out, I told her that I wanted to make it clear, in case I hadn't on Wednesday night, that mine wasn't a trial separation or anything -- my marriage is DEAD, all that's missing is the funeral. She said she had been wondering about that a little bit, so I'm glad I brought it up; I told her (and this is true) that I wouldn't have asked her out if I was still holding out hope for the marriage working, or if I even still wanted it to. But, I'm not going crazy for lack of bone-jumping; going slow is a good idea. I just want to be able to keep the situation moving in the right direction so that it doesn't get derailed and we wind up as "just friends".
mjk Posted December 21, 2003 Posted December 21, 2003 Hey There! sounds exciting after 11 years of bad luck! You gotta take it easy with her. If your too overwheming, it will push her away. Seems like to me, you are on the right track for a realtionship w/her. Love/Lust/Infatuation is a crazy feeling. We only experience it once in a while and when we do...BAM! common sense flys out the window! My advice...slow and easy wins the race. You're not in "competition" with anyone else, so why worry. Nows the time to just enjoy what you have found together!
SJ Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 My advice to you is that you do yourself a huge favor and take it slow. Women and men are not the same when it comes to physical attraction. Speaking for myself, I have never been really into a relationship unless I was emotionally bonded to the guy first. That takes time, energy, and endless amounts of patience ( on the guy's part, of course The sparks might fly, but if you are interested in having them continue to fly, I would really try to really know what makes your female friend tick. Nothing is more attractive to me than a guy who knows how to listen. With regard to the divorce, I have a lot of opinions. Being in a relationship that doesn't work out is really painful and hard to let go of. I think the healing process takes quite a while. If you take it slow with your new girl, you will give yourself a chance to reflect and heal from the wounds of that horrible Ex. I get so tired of hearing myself compare my sweet wonderful guy to those other horrible, abusive guys. It doesn't make him feel very good, either. Enjoy the friendship. It will make the relationship so much stronger and more satisfying and good luck to you. Dating is scary territory after being married!!
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