Learning all over again

[jbh02]

I am 41. I've been married 3 times. I served 20 years in the military, and for the last 15 I have dealt with undiagnosed PTSD, including depression, and withdrawal. I never felt much for anything, or anyone. I managed to get married 2 times since the event that caused my PTSD, but obviously they did not work out.

 

Upon retiring 3 years ago, I went to get help for depression, which is where I discovered how and why of what happened to me.

 

Since getting better, I have experienced joy for the first time in years, am very outgoing and driven to enjoy life. I've been dating, but nothing magical.

 

Recently a very attractive lady reached out to me on line, at one of those dating sites. We met for lunch and hit if of very nicely. I met her 2 days later, at her place, where she made dinner and shared 2 glasses of wine. We had great conversation, laughs and all that. At some point I leaned into her and kissed her. She nearly fell over =). She looked me in the eyes and said your a great kisser. I smiled and did it again.

 

Eventually we end up in her bed watching a movie, but mostly talking, caressing and kissing a LOT. She got up later, took her pants off, and said I am sleeping in my undies, you can get comfortable if you like. I liked, so did, but she also said, I do not want to have sex or anything yet, but its ok for us to lie together. We did. Lots more caressing, kissing, and yes talking.

 

Neither of us slept much so I left in the morning. On the way home, I got for the first time, since my first love, that crazy infatuation in love feeling. I could not shake it. I was actually wondering what the heck was wrong with me.We skipped Saturday night, but met again for another round of the same thing won Sunday.

 

I was in just 5 days falling madly in love with this woman. I had dated even been very intimate with other women but not till this lady did I feel such a strong attraction to. I could not get her out of my mind. She discussed her last X who had cheated on her. She even flirted with the idea of having a kid with me, told me about a psychic reading she had that told her she would move and meet a wonderful man who's name started with "J". Ok yeah my name starts with a J. Her birthday was Monday and she told me she had already made plans so I bowed out. We text a few times on Monday, but not much.

 

Here is where i made the mistake. In my infatuation I wrote her an email, very romantic, but also, in retrospect, very suffocating for such a short time. I knew that my feelings were out of place. I knew when I wrote the letter that I was at high risk of messing this up but my passion would not be abated and I sent it. I just had to share with her the wonderful feelings I was having since meeting her. No not the love word but close enough. Tuesday even less contact, Wednesday I was alone in my text and phone and phone calls. I eventually asked her to please call just to confrim she was ok since we had not had any issues that would cause her to stop talking to me.

 

She explained that she was not ready to get into a serious relationship...

 

I think what happened was her X came to visit from out of state on her birthday. She had not fully shed him yet from what I got from our discussions but had been apart for a few months with some limited contact. That of course is speculation on my part.

 

So I have my mistake in pushing to hard to fast even though we acted like lovers over the weekend. I know I must have come across a clingy which is actually the oposite of my usually self in relationships. Its been 5 days now since her birthday. I have sent one email since Wednesday to see if there was life left in this but no answers.

 

For a moment, forget she may be stuck on the other guy. In a case like this where you ladies feel smothered is it ever possible to give the guy another shot? I assume she liked me cause she made touched me massaged me etc... kissed me laughed all that. Hugs even small talk about a future. I really liked this lady. I hate that my advances scared her away. It's rare for me to find someone I hit it off with so well. Yes I know there are more fish.

 

Is it hopeless, or is there a strategy I can follow to get another chance to go slow with her? Obviously time and distance but how much. Should I never attempt contact or wait some days, weeks and try again then? Call, email? Text? If she is still hooked on the guy who will cheat again and again. Very wealthy guy has women all over...I am better off without the drama, but I wont know unless...or is it just dead for good?

 

Yep, I know. don't wait. Already have a few dates lined up with ladies I am not crazy about, but who knows after some time maybe I would feel more. Hate to see an opportunity like this just die to a silly mistake.

 

Really like to hear the ladies perspective on this.

Edited December 18, 2009 by jbh02

[jbh02]

LMAO Well after reading some other post on here I decided that she would probably never contact me so I decided to push to learn a bit about human nature.

 

I called her cold in an email by the way she just stopped responding after such a nice weekend together.

 

She responded in less than 5 minutes. Has even called me now LOL. I did not answer HAH. Phone rang again...I might answer Monday lol that is sure to make her fall in love:love:.

 

Anyway seems nice is not what you ladies really want? 41 years of being nice nothing but confusion. 1 mean email and I get results....

[DollyMix]

Isn't it strange someone will let you lie with them in their home and bed and get freaked out over an email?

Hopefully you've made her realise what she could lose and she doesn't want to lose you, don't stick with the being mean thing though it'll wear thin pretty fast

[Lish]

LMAO Well after reading some other post on here I decided that she would probably never contact me so I decided to push to learn a bit about human nature.

 

I called her cold in an email by the way she just stopped responding after such a nice weekend together.

 

She responded in less than 5 minutes. Has even called me now LOL. I did not answer HAH. Phone rang again...I might answer Monday lol that is sure to make her fall in love:love:.

 

Anyway seems nice is not what you ladies really want? 41 years of being nice nothing but confusion. 1 mean email and I get results....

 

 

You probably did freak her out a little and it appears the mean act did work.. but her liking of you is on the basis of one weekend. If you start getting too bigheaded about the fact she's now the one chasing you, she will lose interest just as quickly as she gained it.

 

So many guys take it simply a day too far and cross the line. If you really like this girl, don't be stupid. Remember, YOU are the one who did the stupid thing here, not her. Practically writing a lovenote is a bit much.

[boogieboy]

You turned her off by smothering her, you most likely wont get her back.

 

IF she is confused by her ex, then you never had her anyway.

 

But, lets see what happens on Monday, and try not to smother her this time!

[jbh02]

Isn't it strange someone will let you lie with them in their home and bed and get freaked out over an email?

Hopefully you've made her realise what she could lose and she doesn't want to lose you, don't stick with the being mean thing though it'll wear thin pretty fast

 

No I wont keep being mean. Not who I am. I have learned a lot though. I guess you just have to keep your feelings hidden for a long time so as not to scare them.

 

I can see where calling them out on some of their less than desirable traits, or insecurities can work in your favor. Kinda gives her something to prove to you. Like the other girl said you just don't want to take it to far.

 

"I am sorry you think I am cold", was the first sentence in her reply. I started to let her off the hook in my response, but I just let it sit out there.

[chrissy001]

Something I learned recently, about scaring people off. If you handle the situation in a mature manner....you only scare off someone who is "immature." I always got turned-off by needy guys. But as I get older, someone that I CARE about...I tend to appreciate their neediness towards me...However, that develops over time.

[DustySaltus]

I think these were more feelings of LUST then Love. I know you have been through a lot with the PTSD and all but you have to realize that you can't just put all your eggs in one basket at this point.

 

This girl is talking about having kids with you after ONE DATE??? That would scare the CRAP out of me. I mean where is her head at?

 

Best bet is to MOVE ON. Even if you succeed in getting her "back", she's not playing with a full deck.

 

She went from wanting to HAVE KIDS with you to IGNORING you in ONE WEEK. Imagine what could happen in a month. You got to snap out of it, before this snowballs...and I mean that in the nicest way possible.

[jbh02]

LOL your right. Yes of course my PTSD has effected me. It put me out of the social world for nearly 17 years. So I am 41 with the social skills of a 23 year old. Also now that I am comming out of the shell I am feeling things that have been dormant for the same period of time and yes it can be a bit overwhelming.

 

I have since thought the same things about her being a bit off. She did actually contact me a few more times via emails, text etc.. but very low key.

 

I have decided to just use this situation to test and feel things out using her responses to my "tests" to help me realign myself to understanding my own feelings and others.

 

I doubt we will continue connecting much longer as I have continued to be "Romantic" in my email to her without any "love".

 

My feelings have abated now so its not so hurtful when she rejects me. Gives me a great place to relearn through trial and error. No I wont hurt her, should she do an about face. I will just let it go at that point.