4givrnt4gtr Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 SO after much thought about the matter and hearing what others have to say including LS people I realize I am easy. I allow men to come in and date me for a few weeks and I sleep with them or like what is happening now, my friend was giving me a lot of attention, we had too much to drink and we ended up hooking up. I hate this about me. I wish I was more decerning of the men i allow in my life i just dont know how to do it. I mean ofcourse i can say no but i feel like if i do that then i might miss the opportunity to meet someone great. The point is that right now im exhausted, sad and lonely. I want out of everything and everyone I really dont even want guy friends. But when that passes, how can i make sure I dont fall into the same route of being easly and slutty?? Im really really sad about myself and how I behave.....anyone has any suggestions?
GrayClouds Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I hate this about me. I wish I was more decerning of the men i allow in my life i just dont know how to do it. I mean ofcourse i can say no but i feel like if i do that then i might miss the opportunity to meet someone great. Wow you show a great deal of courage to look at a behavior and admit that you are not feeling good about it. For that you should be proud. First of all, has you current way has not given you the results you wanted? Has it given you the great person? If not that should give you some confidence to try something new. It is hard to tell how great someone is until you spend time with them. The great ones will stick around and give you time to let you get to know them. Why because you are worth the time to get to know. It is a self-selection process, if they do not stick around then they are not great for you, if they do then they have a chance. It is like trying to shoot cans off a fence. Right now your spinning around with your eyes closed hoping to hit something. Now try opening your eyes, aiming at the target, and then shooting. You may not get a hit every time but you will be closer to your target. Congratulation on your new life.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Wow you show a great deal of courage to look at a behavior and admit that you are not feeling good about it. For that you should be proud. First of all, has you current way has not given you the results you wanted? Has it given you the great person? If not that should give you some confidence to try something new. It is hard to tell how great someone is until you spend time with them. The great ones will stick around and give you time to let you get to know them. Why because you are worth the time to get to know. It is a self-selection process, if they do not stick around then they are not great for you, if they do then they have a chance. It is like trying to shoot cans off a fence. Right now your spinning around with your eyes closed hoping to hit something. Now try opening your eyes, aiming at the target, and then shooting. You may not get a hit every time but you will be closer to your target. Congratulation on your new life. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I actually feel much better right now than i did this morning. I felt so much anguish because Ive tried to correct this about myself and have failed repeatedly leaving me deeper and deeper in the hole....only i now realized that I have tried by wishing instead of actually doing drastic changes in what I choose to do, who i choose to associate and what I choose to hope for or believe in. I also realize that there is no use crying over spilt milk. What i have done is done and what matters now is what I will be doing from now on. I want to be the person I can be proud of being. Sure ive made mistakes and Ive gotten badly hurt by them but I also want to start over, get a new notebook so to speak and start from the beginning. I know it wont be easy, especially because i have to cut a lot of people from my life. But i dont want to live ashamed anymore, embarrased of how many mistakes ive made and how I dont seem to learn from them. Yes...here is to a new life
GrayClouds Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Thank you so much for your encouragement. I actually feel much better right now than i did this morning. I felt so much anguish because Ive tried to correct this about myself and have failed repeatedly leaving me deeper and deeper in the hole....only i now realized that I have tried by wishing instead of actually doing drastic changes in what I choose to do, who i choose to associate and what I choose to hope for or believe in. I also realize that there is no use crying over spilt milk. What i have done is done and what matters now is what I will be doing from now on. I want to be the person I can be proud of being. Sure ive made mistakes and Ive gotten badly hurt by them but I also want to start over, get a new notebook so to speak and start from the beginning. I know it wont be easy, especially because i have to cut a lot of people from my life. But i dont want to live ashamed anymore, embarrased of how many mistakes ive made and how I dont seem to learn from them. Yes...here is to a new life You have learn from them that why you are writing what your writing now. You may want to work with a councilor who can help you understand the riving force behind this behavior. Often understanding that goes along way to making change easier. A book that may help too is : Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power it is no where near 100% appropriate for your case but is does a pretty good job of helping to understand way some confuses love with sex. I may offer some insights. It is the true believer who finds faith from doubt, the best humans finds growth comes mistakes. There is no reason for shame or embarrrased because that is the person you were not the person you are. So be proud now you are now; hot, smart and patient. It the qualities that great guys fall for! There is no need for rushing you crushes. Keep up the good work
TaraMaiden Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I'm going to suggest something radical, here: Why don't you actually make a commitment to yourself to take a year's sabbatical from relationships and sex, and stay single and celibate, but focus on yourself, really defining what you like doing, what you stand for, what you won't stand for, and basically overhauling your relationship with yourself? You need to fall back in Love with whom you've become, chip away the bits you neither need nor want, and smooth the edges and hone the bits you do, and re-acquaint yourself with whom you deserve to be....maybe? Just a thought....
dazzle22 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Wow. I think the others have given you GREAT advice. My only addition, is I would ask you to take the time to examine why you find yourself in situations where you get taken advantage of, because that is essentially what is happening. My guess is it might happen in other friendships too? My guess is, the root of the problem lies in your family of origin. Did you grow up in a situation where family members invaded your boundaries or you felt you could not say no to someone, or you always had to put your desires behind those of others? Something in the way you were raised is compelling you to continually repeat this scenario....Good luck!
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 I'm going to suggest something radical, here: Why don't you actually make a commitment to yourself to take a year's sabbatical from relationships and sex, and stay single and celibate, but focus on yourself, really defining what you like doing, what you stand for, what you won't stand for, and basically overhauling your relationship with yourself? You need to fall back in Love with whom you've become, chip away the bits you neither need nor want, and smooth the edges and hone the bits you do, and re-acquaint yourself with whom you deserve to be....maybe? Just a thought.... That was actually my idea when I broke up with a guy i really loved this past september! i vowed to not date or be with anyone for the next year, try to find out who I am as I have never been entirely on my own, no crushes no dates, since the age of 9. Somehow though every time I think to do that someone always comes along to stray me from it. Last year was the guy I fell in love with but left me when he decided school and his career were his priority. Now is a friend who is possibly not friend anymore due to us hooking up a couple of times with the excuse that I am heartbroken and (according to my friend) i needed someone to get over my ex. I realized this is not me. I hate hooking up without actual feelings and motive. I hate the emptiness the next day and the awkwardness. I hate the whole thing it makes me feel dirty and very lonely. I know i need to do it...and I thought I could do it with the help of my friends but im starting to realize that I need to ban men in general from friendship and relationship...at least til i can get my head straight.
ADF Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I have one suggestion. It sounds like a small thing, but with some people it is important. I noticed you said you've sometimes "ended up hooking up" with someone. No one "ends up" doing something like that. They just do it, period. In my experience, people who talk about their own behavior in a passive way--e.g. I ended up doing X, it just sort of happened, one thing kind of led to another--are often sleepwalking through life. They need wake up and start doing things instead of drifting along, letting things happen to them. You need to make CHOICES, not get caught up in a moment and turn your brain off.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 I noticed you said you've sometimes "ended up hooking up" with someone. No one "ends up" doing something like that. They just do it, period. In my experience, people who talk about their own behavior in a passive way--e.g. I ended up doing X, it just sort of happened, one thing kind of led to another--are often sleepwalking through life. They need wake up and start doing things instead of drifting along, letting things happen to them. You need to make CHOICES, not get caught up in a moment and turn your brain off. I think is partly shame. I dont want to take full responsibility of what happened. Actually, if i remember correctly despite the alcoholic fog I have initiated making out...whether by kissing first or by agreeing to do things that at first seem innocent but its quite obvious is going to go somewhere else. I like what you said though, that i need to stop drifting along....i often do this when one side of me says I want to for the physical part but the other side tells me im going to regret it. @ dazzle... Yes!!! i cant say no to my family! actually i am in a situation right now where, in spite of knowing my sister is being irresponsible with her money, i couldnt say no when she asked me for $1000 to pay her rent. Now im left to pay what i need for the rest of the month with credit cards because she has not paid me back. I think i need to seek a therapist to help me figure all this out
GrayClouds Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I think i need to seek a therapist to help me figure all this out Quality people will still love you if you say no. The therapist is a great idea, it is always amazing to see a person choosing to grow. Thanks for sharing.
dazzle22 Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Oh, I am glad you are seeing a pattern here! That is the only way to change a self defeating behavior, is to be AWARE of a PATTERN. The problem is that you grew up learning some kind of a "family script" which you then subconsciously "act" over and over because it is what you learned at home. Kind of like, if you only know the steps to the tango, well, that is the only dance you know how to do! Yes, a therapist is VITAL to moving past something like this. Good luck!
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