Clep Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I have an ex who has put our six year old son in the worst possible positions. Our son has tried on four occasions to kill himsellf, dad has left his life three times, neglected him in every way when he did have access to him, refused to sign for him to go to a therapist, is an addict, pops in and out of recovery and when he goes back into recovery he has to leave our son once again to focus on himself. Our son has been emotionally destroyed by his father. The things our son has endured and seen is awful. Dad's access is completely removed now and will not be reinstated until his recovery is long term, until he has a place to live, a job, a vehicle, the most basic things in life. It took all of the above happenings for the judge to finally be convinced that regular contact was not in our son's best interest. I believe I have every reason to completely HATE his father. I have more of a responsibility to my son though on an emotional level to ensure I am modeling appropriate behavior than I have a right to hate his father. If I am concentrating on his father's poor behavior I am placing that negative energy in a place that should be reserved for my son. Our son talks to his dad nightly and that is all we can have for now. I am grateful for that, grateful for the close relationship and bond he and I share. I have a great deal of influence in my son's life and in his views. When we are walking down the street he hears people swearing all the time. I dislike it, but I cannot change it. I choose to discuss their language and choices with him, why it is not the choice we choose in our home and how we can ignore the behaviors and choices of others. He is then taught not to follow but lead, he can see things that I would prefer him not to and it is used as a learning experience for our own personal boundaries. It is the same with what he sees. Maybe without judging dad, aid her in recognizing the differences in each home in a positive manner. I think it would be wise to get over your resentments with her father so you can be successful in other areas with her for her best interest. He is her father like it or not and he is due respect. I would certainly not agree with the picture on his computer, but you do not have to agree with it. It would be wise to realize what you have control over, what you don't and how to go about edifying your child instead of feeding your resentments.
Angel1111 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 That's great that you don't have an issue with it. But in another post by this original poster, she mentioned how the biofather is called by his first name by his daughter and he hates it and the original poster encourages it. That is NOT right. My son has a stepmom but she is NOT his mom. I am. I would definitely have an issue if she ever decided to be called mom because she is not his mom - she is his STEPmom. I am mom. I conceived him, I carried him, I birthed him, I raised him. Not her. I have a lot of respect for blended families and if they choose to be called mom and dad by the children, then I think that's fine. I think it gives the home a warmer atmosphere. If I were in that situation, I personally wouldn't want the child to call me that, but that's just my preference. If I were the only mom the kid had and they wanted to call me that, then yeah, that would be fine. I agree with you - I'm my son's mom and nothing in this world will ever change that. This is why I never concerned myself with the whole thing. I was mostly glad that my ex remarried.
Angel1111 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I have an ex who has put our six year old son in the worst possible positions. Our son has tried on four occasions to kill himsellf, dad has left his life three times, neglected him in every way when he did have access to him, refused to sign for him to go to a therapist, is an addict, pops in and out of recovery and when he goes back into recovery he has to leave our son once again to focus on himself. Our son has been emotionally destroyed by his father. The things our son has endured and seen is awful. This is really horrible and very extreme behavior for a 6-yr-old. I hope your son knows that he's not his dad and that his value has nothing to do with his dad. Yeah, he's going to hear people say and do all kinds of things - we can't protect them from that. It sounds like you're handling things in the best way they can be handled.
Clep Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 This is really horrible and very extreme behavior for a 6-yr-old. I hope your son knows that he's not his dad and that his value has nothing to do with his dad. Yeah, he's going to hear people say and do all kinds of things - we can't protect them from that. It sounds like you're handling things in the best way they can be handled. Our son currently does not know his value does not lie with his father's choices. I believe rejection from a parent is the ultimate rejection. He has been through a divorce program, an abuse program, is in swimming lessons, Beavers where I am a beaver leader, is about to start a self esteem course and has chosen to take the abuse course once again. He also goes to regular psychologist appts with me. Thank you for your kind words. I try, stumble, struggle, fail and get back up and try again. I can see how anger can get in the way as I have been challenged by that in the past, and still sometimes am. When my son was in the position of active suicide attempts my resentments with his father were extreme. I used to dream about him dying. I had to let go of it though for my son and concentrate on him. If the OP can do that which is very hard to do, I think life will be better all the way around, not just for her but for her child.
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