My daughter's idiot bio father

[Cheetara]

Well my daughter's father has given me yet another reason to pull my hair out. Okay, my daughter doesn't even spend that much time at his house, just every other weekend. So I guess things could be worse. Here's the story.

Last weekend I went to pick her up. I don't usually like going inside his apartment because its a mess and it gets me stressed to think my daughter is staying overnight there four times a month.

Well anyway, I had to go inside his apartment this time because my daughter had too many things to carry out to the car herself and my ex being the gentleman that he is, didn't offer to carry the bags himself. So I get inside his apartment. Filthy as usual. And what else do I see? The wallpaper on his lap-top just happens to be a large picture of a woman's bottom wearing nothing but the tiniest of butt-floss thongs. Not a picture of a woman. Not her head. Not her legs, nope just an up close shot of her butt.

 

And his lap-top is right there. On his desk, for our (I say our very grudgingly) daughter to see. In fact, she plays games on that computer quite frequently when she's there, so I'm sure she had to see that inappropriate picture the whole weekend she was there!

 

So there was a fight. I told him to change the wallpaper, he did the usual 'this is my home, you're not going to tell me what to do in my home' spiel. Since he didn't find anyhting inappropriate with his choice of lap-top wall paper, I asked him if it would be alright if I e-mailed it to myself and he said he didn't care. So I have the pic, but I'm not sure if I can post it here. Not sure what the rules are, though technically the picture is not pornographic (he's not quite THAT stupid) it is very very degrading to females, it sends a terrible message to my daughter, who's almost eight and getting to that age where she is interested in boys, and on top of that, she shouldn't have to look at a woman's bethonged butt all weekend. His lap-top is in the living room. Its a small apartment. The liviing room is where they eat, watch tv, hang out and his desk in the front of the room so my poor kid had that awful screensaver in her face all weekend!

 

Am I just being a shrew about this or what? I guess thats sort of rhertorical. I guess I just needed to rant.

[Angel1111]

Yep, he's an idiot but he's right - it's his home and there's nothing you can do about it, nor should you. The only thing you can really do is tell you daughter something like, "Honey, I couldn't help but notice that picture that's on your dad's computer. You know, I can't control what he does but I just want you to know that I don't approve of it and I'm sorry that you had to be around that."

 

Since you already argued with your ex about it and I'm sure your daughter heard it, then there's probably no point in having that conversation with her now. But it's an idea for next time he offends you - and I'm sure there'll be a next time.

 

The thing about having a child with a parent that you don't approve of is that it takes a lot of letting go to realize that your child is going to experience her life with both her parents and she will draw her own conclusions. I have an ex who's very controlling and if I had stayed with him, I would've shot myself, and my son would've been a rebel. But as long as he didn't abuse my son, I kept my mouth shut about what he did in his home.

 

Even though you don't approve of your ex in many ways, doesn't mean that your daughter sees things in the same way. She may not be nuts about the girly pic or his messy apt but it may not be as big of a deal to her as it is to you. Besides that, even if it is, she will learn what she needs to from her dad. Get out of the habit of starting arguments with him about things that aren't in your realm of control. If you would do that, you might actually see improvement on his part - because people tend to resist what they're judged for. So instead of being judgemental about him and her life with him, seriously, ignore it and start being kinder toward him. Just because you're divorced doesn't mean you have to be mortal enemies. Start seeing the good in him and be thankful that he sees your daughter on a regular basis, be thankful that you can give her the contrast and the nice life that you give her, and be thankful that she knows both of her parents.

Edited December 18, 2009 by Angel1111

[alphamale]

the pic on his computer is teh least of your worries...your daughter is being bombarded daily by the media with images just as bad, or worse

[Cheetara]

the pic on his computer is teh least of your worries...your daughter is being bombarded daily by the media with images just as bad, or worse

 

 

Angel, it would take me all day to comment as much as I'd like on what you posted. Just wanted to let you know I appreciate your insight. Had to read it a few times to make it all sink in!

 

Alphamale- Its definitely not the least of my worries. I know what young girls have to deal with and its terrible, but this is different. Because its her father pushing this kind of image on her. At least all the other times its just faceless execs, but even as much as I wish it wasn't true, my daughter's father does and will continue to have a significant influence on how she views herself, so I think its extremely irresponsible of him. I understand your point, but the images you talk of are even more damaging when they come from a girls father

[alphamale]

At least all the other times its just faceless execs, but even as much as I wish it wasn't true, my daughter's father does and will continue to have a significant influence on how she views herself, so I think its extremely irresponsible of him. I understand your point, but the images you talk of are even more damaging when they come from a girls father

just tell the court your ex is showing pornography to your mutual offspring and they'll take away his custody. problem solved.

[Cheetara]

just tell the court your ex is showing pornography to your mutual offspring and they'll take away his custody. problem solved.

 

The image isn't pornographic, as it doesn't show any of the woman's privates. If this were five or six years ago, I just might have done something like you suggested, but not now. My daughter is too old to just rip her father out of her life.

I wish he were more responsible, thats all. Don't get me wrong, I do hate him, and I'd love it if I never had to deal with him again, but my daughter is somewhat fond of him so it would be selfish of me to take away his custody.

 

Just as a sidenote, my husband is and always has been a wonderful male role model for my daughter. He's more of a father to her than her bio father. My daughter calls her stepdad 'daddy' and her bio dad hates that, so I get a little revenge knowing that.

[Angel1111]

Angel, it would take me all day to comment as much as I'd like on what you posted. Just wanted to let you know I appreciate your insight. Had to read it a few times to make it all sink in!

 

It's a fine line to walk but there is a way to let your daugther know what your values are without putting her dad down. Because first and foremost, she needs to respect her parents - and that means both of you. My son has huge issues with his dad and even though I let him vent about it, I don't let him get into the disrespectful zone. He can talk about his dad behind my back, make fun, whatever - but he knows I expect him to be respectful. You cannot teach children a sideways version of respect.

 

Because no matter what, your daughter is just as much a part of her dad as she is a part of you - and she loves you both. Please try to always keep that in mind. Because when you criticize and put down her dad, she feels it on every level, and believes that you're also criticizing her. Children identify very strongly with both their parents. Don't worsen things by being judgemental. Instead, try to start seeing the good, and point out the good things to him and to her (but only when you're being sincere about it). Thank him for taking care of her on his weekends. Whatever there is good about him, let him know you appreciate, at least, those things.

 

It doesn't matter if your ex ever changes or not. Just know that you have a huge influence over your daughter and that she will continually have people enter her life who are less than admirable. All any of us as parents can do is instill in our children what we hold dear, what our values are, and it will sink in. My son felt very, very restricted by his father but he also learned discipline from him. In some ways, he learned how NOT to act with others. There are things of value for your daughter to learn from her father but it's not for you to decide what they are, or whether they're worthy or not. We don't own our children. They are their own people. They have a life outside of us. If nothing else, your daughter will see the contrast between your life and her dad's - all without you saying a word. Just be a good mom, teach her the things you believe in, and I promise you that will be enough. And when you drop your daughter off, I think it would be good for you to go in, say hi, etc. By not going in, your judgement rings loud and clear. You need to establish more peaceful and easy pattern between you and your ex - this is very important for your daughter.

 

I've heard it many times over the years from people that they can't believe my son is from a divorced family. I learned not to let him use 'divorce' as a crutch, and I learned to stop feeling guilty about it. His dad was always welcome to be there for anything where our son was involved - and I made it a point to let him know when things were going on at school, etc. His dad and I always gave each other a little hug whenever we saw each other. It was no longer about romance between us, but we will always have our child in common. And don't think I liked his dad because I find him very stressful to be around. But I refused to let myself get sucked into any of that because I didn't have to live with him anymore - so I stopped letting it bug me. My son was never in fear about us arguing around him. Not to say that didn't happen every great once in a while, but for the most part, he didn't live in fear of it.

 

My son is a happy teen now, in college. He's studious, was an honor student in high school, was on the varsity swim team - just an all-around great kid. I think things would've been a lot different had things stayed negative between his dad and I. You're hearing from someone who's been through it and who has an awesome kid to show for it. You can take if for what it's worth. Your ex is not your enemy - he's part of your support.

[Angel1111]

I wish he were more responsible, thats all. Don't get me wrong, I do hate him, and I'd love it if I never had to deal with him again, but my daughter is somewhat fond of him so it would be selfish of me to take away his custody.

 

Your daugther is way more than just fond of her dad - she loves him just as much as she loves you. But she knows it's not safe to say that around you so she keeps quiet about it. Don't ever kid yourself, though - she loves her dad immensely. And, I agree, don't even consider taking her away from him.

[bentnotbroken]

You won't be happy until you completely destroy whatever relationship she has with her bio dad. You said yourself every other weekend. Yet you have said in other threads what a wonderful family life you have with her and your H. If all your wonderfulness isn't enough to counter what you say is a bad father she loves, then maybe your parenting skills need some sharpening as well. Your hatred of this man is going eventually destroy what you want to protect so much....your daughter.

[Ariadne]

Am I just being a shrew about this or what? I guess thats sort of rhertorical. I guess I just needed to rant.

 

I say, good thing he divorced you.

 

You need to grow up.

[nobmagnet]

what ever he did or didnt do doesnt come into this at all.

 

He is their for your daughter be thankful for that. the relationship with him IS important. hey she wouldnt have noticed the picture! even if she did it wouldnt have made her feel like you do.

 

My very ex husband is now a very dear freind and he is because he has been a constant in her life for 16 years I had my very good resons for divorcing him but that was my choice not my daughters. To move on with your life should be sufficient. Your oppinion of him should be yours. Hate, dissaproval will fuel his annoyance at you and it would mine too.

 

stop looking for excusesto hate him. you are not with him. thank your blessings for that. Dont inpose your feelings infront of your child. It is imature and wrong.

 

sorry it you feel its harsh but i speack from my own experiance.

[Cheetara]

I say, good thing he divorced you.

 

You need to grow up.

 

 

So, I'm the one that's immature?

I suppose if it was your daughter in the same situation, you'd be just as cool as a cumcumber.

 

Why do you think he divoriced me? I left him for my current husband. Just so we're clear.

[bentnotbroken]

So, I'm the one that's immature?

I suppose if it was your daughter in the same situation, you'd be just as cool as a cumcumber.

 

Why do you think he divoriced me? I left him for my current husband. Just so we're clear.

 

 

No not cool as a cucumber. But praying that he does better by his daughter and being confident in my parenting to be willing to let their relationship progress at the pace that is good for them both and in my ability to let her love her father (and him her) while countering the things that may not be to my liking.

 

And your above response is evidence of your maturity level. It isn't something that you should be so smug about. Just so you are clear.

[Cheetara]

No not cool as a cucumber. But praying that he does better by his daughter and being confident in my parenting to be willing to let their relationship progress at the pace that is good for them both and in my ability to let her love her father (and him her) while countering the things that may not be to my liking.

 

And your above response is evidence of your maturity level. It isn't something that you should be so smug about. Just so you are clear.

 

 

You are right. It was immature of me to respond in that way. But it must be admitted it was highly immature of the person who posted that, to both assume he divoriced me (implying that i am distasteful as a person) and then to say that it was a good thing he did (again, that was another jab at me).

 

Immaturity is never right, I know.

 

Anyway, though I might give a different impression here on the forum, I do actually leave my daughter and her father's relationship alone. I don't really interfere with anything that goes on between them, in fact, I really don't even want to know what they do during his weekends, as usually its just- eat junk food,, play computer games, neglect to do homework, stay up until midnight watching violent, rated r movies.

I just happened to see his lap-top wall paper and I made it my business because her stepfather and I have been very careful to only give her positive, self-esteem affirming ideals and notions about how girls can be assertive and strong. And then her bio father starts sending her unintentional messeges that a girl is really just a piece of a** to be gawked at. Real nice.

[nobmagnet]

goodness you are bitter. cheetra.

 

i thought you might be a little more grow up about this.

 

I have been left again. he had an affaire

i will try to put my feelings aside for my childrens sake. He is thier Dad and even though he is a lowlyworm I have to and should encourage a relationship with him.

[bentnotbroken]

You are right. It was immature of me to respond in that way. But it must be admitted it was highly immature of the person who posted that, to both assume he divoriced me (implying that i am distasteful as a person) and then to say that it was a good thing he did (again, that was another jab at me).

 

Immaturity is never right, I know.

 

Anyway, though I might give a different impression here on the forum, I do actually leave my daughter and her father's relationship alone. I don't really interfere with anything that goes on between them, in fact, I really don't even want to know what they do during his weekends, as usually its just- eat junk food,, play computer games, neglect to do homework, stay up until midnight watching violent, rated r movies.

I just happened to see his lap-top wall paper and I made it my business because her stepfather and I have been very careful to only give her positive, self-esteem affirming ideals and notions about how girls can be assertive and strong. And then her bio father starts sending her unintentional messeges that a girl is really just a piece of a** to be gawked at. Real nice.

 

 

You said it yourself. Not everyone is aware of the socialization that is systemic and ingrained in our society. While you and your current H are aware, no matter what you do you cannot protect her from everyone else in society who has been socialized by the same outdated gender roles that will permeate ever aspect of her life. It isn't possible. I would bet even money you too perpetuate those roles as well.

 

You infer that you are a better parent, is it because you are the mother? If (and I do mean if) you believe that you too help to keep the roles traditional and unfair. If she is in school, there are proven studies that show teachers call on boys more than girls and that boys are steered toward more traditionally boy roles(math and science) and girls away from those same fields.

 

If she watches t.v., just about any show (wizards or waverly)or new young star(hannah montana), they all idealize standards of certain girls, usually cute and not very bright. If you take her shopping, what do the young models look like? When she looks at the toys or video games what are the things that advertisers use to gain her attention? Do you dress her in only pants and boys shirts, do you buy her only trucks and action figures, do you comb her hair and put pigtails in? As an infant did you dress her in gender neutral clothes or did you put those cute little baby girl clothes on her? Did you stick a ribbon in her hair? What color are the clothes you buy. Do you use terms of endearment like sweetie, princess, gorgeous? Do you tell her she is beautiful instead of handsome?

 

The point is, your ex is a good dad who is trying to remain so. He is involved and puts more of a priority on her and him than all those things that mean so much to you, like what they eat and what his home looks like. Neither she nor your ex gave a fat rat's azz about that screen saver, only you did. The key word that you missed, was his HOME. It is a home he has made for them. It makes them both happy, you said so yourself.

 

Most parents I know want their children to be happy. And there can't be enough people in their lives who loves them too much. Isn't it about time you embrace the blessing of an involved father who does love his child. A lot of women don't get that blessing.

 

Venting here is a great place, but I must say, the things you keep raising as issues are only issues in your dislike, distrust and disrespect of your ex. The problem truly isn't his. You are on a road that you aren't going to like the end of. I have seen it. But sometimes the best learned lessons are the ones that we learn through experience...sad but true.

[Eve]

Regarding the laptop issue.. maybe you could ask your ex partner if he could set up a specific account for your girl. This way age an appropriate screen saver could be added of your daughters choice (as well as various parenting security thingies)

 

Tact is an art. The more you hate your ex, the less opportunities you will have to jointly parent your daughter.

 

At the end of the day that is the mission at hand... is it not?

 

I have plenty of other tips too for different scenarios. These have been developed in line with dealing an ex wife from hell. Hatred isnt good to be around. Get creative.. unless of course you want the ex to 'fail'..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

Edited December 22, 2009 by Eve

[anne1707]

Excellent suggestion Eve

 

Sell it as protecting your daughter from "unsavoury" websites etc, yet if he thinks about it, it also gives him privacy so he gains too

[Eve]

Excellent suggestion Eve

 

Sell it as protecting your daughter from "unsavoury" websites etc, yet if he thinks about it, it also gives him privacy so he gains too

 

 

My simple advice is not to let things get too out of hand as the daughter will end up playing the parents against each other in the end. The teen years are a coming.. nothing I say can prepare any parent for that!

 

Joint rewards, joint punishments and compromise, compromise, compromise. Otherwise in a few years time the OP could have a little monster living with her and it will be her own fault... and often they end up over staying for years and years too. All because the parents couldnt get on and the kid was in the middle...

 

Better to sort it now methinks. Think longterm.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[TheLoneSock]

This is just yet another reason why young girls need to stop getting knocked up by idiots.

 

If you're going to get pregnant, at least get pregnant by a good guy. Sheesh.

[Cheetara]

This is just yet another reason why young girls need to stop getting knocked up by idiots.

 

If you're going to get pregnant, at least get pregnant by a good guy. Sheesh.

 

 

Young? I'm four years older than my daughter's bio dad, and being in my mid twenties hardly qualifies me as a young girl who got knocked up hun.

 

As to the other suggestions, they sound very good. I know my ex does actually have one of those child security things on his comp so she can't wander into an inappropriate website, though he probably wouldn't even have had that if I hadn't badgered him into getting it.

 

I did ask my daughter what she thought about the wallpaper, in a very non-confrontational way, I just made it seem like I was making small talk, and in her words 'its so gross'. She said she wanted a picture of kittens instead but her father wouldn't let her change it, so arranging it so that she does have her own account would defnitely be a way to solve this thing.

 

I appreciate all the parental advice btw, i'm not good at commenting on things like that though, if you were wondering why I don't reply to that sort of thing. I just kind of absorb it quietly.

[bentnotbroken]

There is no written rule about when and who to reply to.

[fooled once]

You are right. It was immature of me to respond in that way. But it must be admitted it was highly immature of the person who posted that, to both assume he divoriced me (implying that i am distasteful as a person) and then to say that it was a good thing he did (again, that was another jab at me).

 

Immaturity is never right, I know.

 

Anyway, though I might give a different impression here on the forum, I do actually leave my daughter and her father's relationship alone. I don't really interfere with anything that goes on between them, in fact, I really don't even want to know what they do during his weekends, as usually its just- eat junk food,, play computer games, neglect to do homework, stay up until midnight watching violent, rated r movies.

I just happened to see his lap-top wall paper and I made it my business because her stepfather and I have been very careful to only give her positive, self-esteem affirming ideals and notions about how girls can be assertive and strong. And then her bio father starts sending her unintentional messeges that a girl is really just a piece of a** to be gawked at. Real nice.

 

I recall a thread you did about a month ago talking about how you didn't want her father to take her on a camping trip, you wanted her stepfather to take her -- please don't imply you don't stand in the way of their relationship.

 

From posts you have done on here, it is evident you despise the father and you wish he would go away --- I believe you have even said that here.

 

You don't correct your daughter from calling her step father "daddy" in fact, you delight and encourage it.

 

That is shameful of you.

 

The picture on the background -- the only time it comes on is when the computer isn't doing something else or a window isn't opened. I know with my wallpaper, the only time I see it is if all my windows are closed.

 

PLEASE - for the sake of your daughter - LET YOUR HATRED go. STOP belittling him, stop making fun of him, stop doing anything less than showing your daughter that you are an adult who can be mature and NOT cause issues with her dad.

 

She may one day hate you for what you are doing --- do you want that??

[Angel1111]

You don't correct your daughter from calling her step father "daddy" in fact, you delight and encourage it.

 

I agree with everything you said except for the thing about her daughter calling her stepdad 'daddy'. My ex remarried and my son calls his stepmother 'mom'. I don't have a problem with this at all. She is a form of mother to him and they have a family there. It's no big deal.

 

But, yes, overall, the OP's hatred for her ex rings loud and clear and it is not only highly immature, but also is affecting her daughter in a very negative way.

[fooled once]

I agree with everything you said except for the thing about her daughter calling her stepdad 'daddy'. My ex remarried and my son calls his stepmother 'mom'. I don't have a problem with this at all. She is a form of mother to him and they have a family there. It's no big deal.

 

But, yes, overall, the OP's hatred for her ex rings loud and clear and it is not only highly immature, but also is affecting her daughter in a very negative way.

 

That's great that you don't have an issue with it. But in another post by this original poster, she mentioned how the biofather is called by his first name by his daughter and he hates it and the original poster encourages it. That is NOT right.

 

My son has a stepmom but she is NOT his mom. I am. I would definitely have an issue if she ever decided to be called mom because she is not his mom - she is his STEPmom. I am mom. I conceived him, I carried him, I birthed him, I raised him. Not her.