tigressA Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 How far is too far? Aside from varied distances between the three guys I've got it narrowed down to (one on my school's campus and 20 minutes away from town, one 25 miles away, one 75 miles away who I have yet to meet), intimacy is the biggest factor I'm contemplating in this multi-dating thing. Getting to know these guys, who I've clicked with quite well so far, has been a lot of fun, but tremendously tempting. I haven't engaged in anything more physical than a goodbye hug with the two guys I've met, but it's been difficult keeping myself totally in check . Though they're all aware I'm seeing multiple people, for some reason I keep thinking if I even kissed any of them that it would be misleading. Excluding sex altogether since I'm determined not to have any until I'm in an exclusive relationship, should I not get physical at all with these guys until I've made a choice? Where does the line get crossed?
melodymatters Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Personally : Just kissing. Like in middle school when you'd play 30 seconds in the closet or whatever. You made out with a few people back then, and everyone knew and it was no big deal. Thats where I would leave it.
alphamale Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Where does the line get crossed? when one of the three penises goes into your vagina
Author tigressA Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 when one of the three penises goes into your vagina :lmao: Yeah, of course. Melody: Thanks for that. That's where I'd leave it too, personally. I just can't help feeling a bit guilty about even kissing, though. I don't know why. I guess if something just doesn't feel right, then I don't do it. Really the only way I should be going about it. I'm curious to know where others' thresholds lie in this specific issue of multi-dating though.
looking4 green grass Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I'm at that same place. But what if you kissed one and it was AWFUL, that would definitely influence your decision on which guy to pick. As a fellow newbie to multiple dating and online dating, I had this same question. Turns out after a couple of dates, I'm ok with kissing them because....if it's that bad I need to know BEFORE I get rid of everyone else. I too feel horribly guilty!! But, when faced with a man my friends have dubbed "sex on a stick" what's a girl to do?!? I gotta kiss that guy! lol I hope it continues to go well for you!
Author tigressA Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 I'm at that same place. But what if you kissed one and it was AWFUL, that would definitely influence your decision on which guy to pick. I too feel horribly guilty!! But, when faced with a man my friends have dubbed "sex on a stick" what's a girl to do?!? I gotta kiss that guy! lol Yes, that's very true--a great physical connection is incredibly important to me, so I feel like I definitely SHOULD kiss all of these guys. Because hey, it's not just me judging them; it's them judging me too! What if I pick someone, and we kiss/are otherwise intimate, and they decide they don't like me? Not that I'd be totally devastated, but still...okay, I'm throwing caution to the wind here. I'm puckering up!
looking4 green grass Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 And then come back and report!
alphamale Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Yes, that's very true--a great physical connection is incredibly important to me, so I feel like I definitely SHOULD kiss all of these guys. personally i think oral sex is a better indicator of compatibility...so you should do that with all of them
Author tigressA Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 And then come back and report! Naturally! In a few hours I'm meeting my fellow college-going guy for the second time. We're watching the documentary "Man on Wire" at my house, and our conversations since we met last week have been getting progressively more flirty. So I'm thinking there will be a prime opportunity there. I already get a little tingly at the thought of kissing him, so that's good...
carhill Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 IMO, you set the boundary of the physical aspects of your multi-dating just like you would with serial dating. If you like to kiss, you do that. If you like to have sex on the first date, you do that. Treat them as concurrent but exclusive experiences with the opposite gender. Back when I was single, my boundary was kissing was fine and embracing was fine but no petting nor sex when dating multiple women. Those other intimacies start for me in an exclusive and monogamous relationship. YMMV, but be true to who you are and don't let the dynamic of multi-dating influence your normal and healthy patterns of intimacy and connection.
looking4 green grass Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Why is it that I always connect with what Carhill says? I like your POV on that one, and it makes complete sense. If I'm used to kissing a guy on date 2 or 3, no reason to NOT kiss them. Otherwise I start to feel awkward and not know what to do with myself. Alright tigress, I've got Date #2 with Dude #2 tonight. You kiss yours and I'll kiss mine! lol
Author tigressA Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Thanks carhill, I never thought of it that way before. I'm definitely not comfortable with sleeping with any of these guys outside the confines of an exclusive relationship, so I'm not going to go there. But I do love to kiss. So there will be a lot of that. And I'm not going to feel guilty for it.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 when one of the three penises goes into your vagina Hmm... i would say even before that. When one of their fingers goes into your vagina
jerbear Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Hmm... i would say even before that. When one of their fingers goes into your vagina Or tongue...
carhill Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 OP, adjunct with your boundary is communicating it. From reading your posts, you sound like you have that issue firmly in hand. I think multi-dating is a great way to *get to know* a number of people over a short period of time. Only you will know how comfortable and pleasurable (dating is supposed to be fun ) that is for you. Hope it works out! BTW, one of the biggest complaints I've heard from married and single women over the decades is how it's difficult to be physically affectionate (like kissing) with a man without it becoming sexual. Be mindful of that, and of perhaps one of those gentleman being on the same page as yourself. They do exist.
Author tigressA Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 (edited) It has been working out very well so far. I like all 3 guys quite a bit...haven't met one in person yet, but I'm hoping that will happen soon. There was only one meeting so far that turned out to be a total dud. I have quite a good track record going right now. Carhill, what you said about physical affection not leading to anything sexual--oh god, how I agree with that! With a couple of my exes I had trouble communicating this to them--not because I wasn't clear, but because they just "didn't understand it". I like sex just as much as the next person, if not more, but there are some times when I just want to have a few kisses here and there and not have it lead to a roll in the sack. Hopefully, like you said, these guys feel that way, or at least understand where I'm coming from. Edited December 18, 2009 by tigressA
carhill Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Well, it's dinner time in PA and I'm here in Cali slingin' mud and tile on walls. Get busy! Somebody needs to have some fun! BTW, when multi-dating, how do you feel about buying a round or picking up the tip?
looking4 green grass Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Soo......how did the date go? I've kissed my Dude #1 and Dude #2....both are good kissers, but both very different in the way they kiss. :/ And I do like them both....ah decisions, decisions. Carhill: good question. I keep wondering if I should do that. I'm not sure it would ever fly down here in the South.
Author tigressA Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Ahh, sorry I didn't return to this thread promptly enough; I was snowed-in (we got a solid foot!) so I wasn't able to access the computer labs until today. Weekend was WILD. So guy #1 came over Friday and we watched the movie, which was really good. I didn't kiss him then. He had to leave not long after the movie was over because he thought he was leaving campus tomorrow and his mom was freaking out over the impending storm. But about an hour and a half later I got a text message from him saying that he wasn't leaving until Sunday; did I want to hang out more tonight, or tomorrow (Saturday)? I suggested he come over; we were having an end-of-finals celebration with rum, tequila, vodka and assorted mixers. It was insane. One of my housemates who's fluent in 3 languages (Portuguese, English and Ukranian) got so drunk that he started speaking only in Portuguese, and he tried to get in a grappling fight with guy #1! He handled it like a champ though. Another one of my housemates ended up vomiting on the living room floor and on the stairs...not so fun. But Guy #1 helped clean everything up in the dining room, where all the cups and bottles were, and even on and around the stairs where the vomit was. One thing led to another and guy #1 and I not only kissed but ended up in bed. It was really nice; I don't regret it at all. He came over again last night and we all watched a couple of movies, he slept over but we didn't have sex (I was a little sore). Turns out we were both trying to convince ourselves to just go for the kiss while we were watching the movie Friday! While I like him, I'm not totally sure about a long-term situation. Like my most recent ex, he's really inexperienced, and that contributed to a lot of our problems when we were together. He's never had a girlfriend and he had sex only once before. Not totally sure I want to deal with that kind of thing again. Carhill, to answer your question: I'm totally open to picking up the tab on a date in any scenario, not just a round or a tip. I don't really care much about who pays. I always offer to pay for something but then I'm refused. L4GG, I'm so glad you got to kiss guy #2! Seems like you've got a difficult choice to make here if they're so different but you like both. Good luck!
bac Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I guess the best way to go with multiple dating to adopt a multiple personality disorder. It is a disorder when a person has a few personalities and each of them is not aware of the presence of other personalities. Each personality takes its turn during certain times and the person does some activities and has some friends/lovers which are different from friends/lovers of other personalities. One personality does not remember anything what has happened with another personality. Each personality believs that he/she is the only one personality of the person.
carhill Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 You embrace your daughter. You embrace your mother. You embrace your spouse. You embrace your best friend. You have different nuances of the same dynamic of love for each and the attendant feelings and memories assigned to each are different. Yet, all have value. Can the same dynamic not apply to dating, in this case multi-dating? Think of each potential as a path. Separate paths which you might enjoy walking. A nebulous which, over time, coalesces into coherent shape and form, each of which affects you differently. Wow, I really need to put down the LSD Anyway, OP, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, even with the drama but your recount begs one question..... do you really think guy #1, being inexperienced in relationships and only having had sex with one partner prior, would really be so easily ending up in bed with you having sex? Something about that dynamic sounds off. Maybe it's just me on a Sunday. Anyway, keep us posted and thanks for tipping your server well
Author tigressA Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Anyway, OP, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, even with the drama but your recount begs one question..... do you really think guy #1, being inexperienced in relationships and only having had sex with one partner prior, would really be so easily ending up in bed with you having sex? Something about that dynamic sounds off. Maybe it's just me on a Sunday. Anyway, keep us posted and thanks for tipping your server well Well, I asked him about it because even though he was naturally dominant/aggressive (which was great because I haven't experienced that in quite awhile), when we were in the thick of it it was clear to me through what he was doing that while he was very eager, he's quite inexperienced. I had to guide him more often than not. I'm not surprised that it was so easy--he's a 21-year-old guy! Just because someone's inexperienced doesn't mean they don't want more experience. Usually it means the opposite--they tend to grab up any opportunity that looks attractive to them. It seems that's what happened in this case.
carhill Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Dominant. Aggressive. Inexperienced. Eager. 21. Hmm... I'll be interested to see where this goes. Get back to us on the other paths, assuming you're going to continue multi-dating....I'll be curious about your perceptions regarding the other gentlemen.
Author tigressA Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Dominant. Aggressive. Inexperienced. Eager. 21. Hmm... I'll be interested to see where this goes. Get back to us on the other paths, assuming you're going to continue multi-dating....I'll be curious about your perceptions regarding the other gentlemen. He is also rather nice and considerate. We were initially going to watch the movie at his place but his DVD player broke. He'd offered to pick me up and take me there so I wouldn't have to walk or wait for the campus shuttle in the cold. He'd left his car in our parking lot overnight and it got snowed. He readily walked to my house Saturday night to see me despite all the snow and the cold. He helped clean up Friday night even though we all insisted he didn't have to, and he didn't get freaked out in the least by our crazy antics. He said my housemates are "really freaking awesome" (and they are), and they like him too. All the girls I live with said he's a keeper. But I'm feeling really iffy on his long-term potential because I'm not big on the idea of another "project" like my ex was. As far as the other paths, Guy #2, who I went out with last Thursday night for the first time, is nice. He's very funny; he had me cracking up laughing much of the night. I haven't been in contact with him at all since we went out though. I tried talking to him but he never responded. So I'm not going to bother with that anymore. Guy #3, who I haven't met yet but really want to, seems really great so far. We've exchanged messages and have IMed pretty regularly. All his responses to my messages are rather long, which is nice--it's not just one paragraph or a few sentences, and I always respond in kind. He works in science/engineering and he travels to Africa every so often for his job. We're working out a day for me to meet him in D.C. over my semester break. I honestly think that if sparks fly in person, mutually of course, then I would want to focus on him. I feel quite drawn to him.
carhill Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 So, at this juncture, how do you feel about multi-dating and intimacy? Is it working for you? Someone on another thread likened the multi-dating process to having multiple personalities and dealing with each dynamic separately. Has that been your experience, or can you meld all the experiences into one dynamic which you manage and gain insight from? I'll be interested to compare your experiences, albeit at a much younger age, to my own when I begin to date again. I like the company of women, as friends, and likely will multi-date starting out, since I'm not immediately interested in getting married again. Enjoy the snow
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