mtngirl Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Not sure if this is the right place to post, but it's the closest I could come... I walked in on my husband with another woman a year ago. We had been together for 8 years, married for almost 2. It has always been a rocky relationship, I've left him several times before for other reasons, usually something to do with drugs or his temper. I even stood there, with a naked woman on my bed, and told him I would forget the whole thing and take him back if he would just make her leave and promise it would never happen again. After standing there with him silent for way too long, I left. Anyways... I tried to move on with my life. I dated a little, and met a wonderful man who was going through a divorce (found his wife having an affair...). We didn't really se each other seriously at first because we both thought we would eventually get back together with our spouses. I even "broke up" with him at one point to give my husband another chance, which turned out horribly. When his marriage finally fell apart and his ex moved away, he asked me to move in with him, and I did gladly. It's been a wonderful experience. He is thoughtful, caring, helps around the house, and pampers me in so many ways. I honestly love him and believe that he loves me. Everything has been perfect until a couple of months ago. Despite my issues with my ex, I did give myself completely to him, heart and soul. That's not something I can just let go or take back. Even though he has stolen from me, lied to me, and generally been a jerk since we split up, I know it's mostly just the drugs. He has an incredibly kind heart and has helped me through some of the toughest times of my life. I can't help worrying about him and checking in to make sure he's OK, because sometimes no one hears from him for a week. And recently he's moved in with his parents and is getting help with his drug problem. As far as I can tell, he's been sober for at least a month and is only taking prescription drugs to help with withdrawals. He's working at his dad's shop. He's been much nicer to me. I've told my boyfriend that I still see my ex as family, and that it's important to me that we still be friends. We used to be best friends, and it was great. I still love him, but I know I can't be with him because it wouldn't be good for either of us in the end. My boyfriend is having a hard time with this. I knew it would upset him, so I had been going to visit my ex when he was at work, usually telling him I was going to visit "family". He eventually caught me and called me out on it. He says he understands my feelings, but he doesn't think it's a good idea. He said he'd stand by my decision, no matter what it was. I've decided to keep contact with my ex. My boyfriend does get upset sometimes because I spend a huge amount of time texting and talking to him. But he says it's more the fact that I only do it when he's not around, and that I erase all my texts before coming home, or right away if he is home (is it really any of his business?). I try to tell my boyfriend what's generally going on, but I don't think the details are really important, even though some things (like my ex still asking me to come back again, calling me "honey" or "sweetie" or "sexy") might upset him. My ex and I are not being physical - nothing more than hugs hello and goodbye really. I still have to pretty much sneak in time to see him because I just don't feel comfortable telling my boyfriend where I'm going. I know I have nothing to feel guilty about, but it feels like it sometimes. On top of this, I had to tell my boyfriend that I can't get myself to go to the next level with him. I've given my heart to someone else before and had it trampled on. I don't think I could go through that again. I don't think I'm ready to risk it. Any thoughts? Is my boyfriend overreacting? Can't people still be best friends after they realize that marriage doesn't work for them?
HeavenOrHell Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Yes, I know people who stayed best friends even though they can't be together as a couple. But obviously it depends on how your current partner/s feel about it and how solid your relationship is. My ex said he wouldn't be with someone for long if they cant handle our friendship, but I doubt he would stick to that. Are you totally sure you don't have feelings for your ex still?
carhill Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 OK, perfect. A charming, unfaithful, drug user. Miracle of the modern world. TBH, I would suggest IC to better understand why you feel the desire to be a caretaker and friend to such a person, to the detriment of your current relationship. It's about priorities. Is your current relationship, apparently intimate and cohabitive, your priority? If it is, your ex is like an ex. Occasionial friendly (not friends) and supportive contact without expectation or emotional investment. If your emotional investment in your ex is even one tiny iota more than it is in your current LTR, let the current guy go and move out. Just do it. Anything else is beneath the quality of person you know you are. Get that IC. You were cheated on by a drug user. It will help you.
freestyle Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Shoe on the other foot................. Ask yourself (honestly) how you would feel if your bf was sneaking around to stay in contract with his ex.Or, any other woman, for that matter. How would you feel upon finding out that he had lied to you, saying he was going to visit family, when in fact, he was spending time with his ex, or another woman?? How would you feel if he tried to sweep it under the rug by saying, "oh, it's not that important for you to know the details........" Try to see this through your bf's eyes. A man who has already been through a devastating betrayal.(his exwife's affair) A man who, in your own words, is thoughtful, caring, helps around the house, and pampers you. But you've decided that that your ex's emotional needs are more important than your bf's..........The man who cheated on you is getting more of your concern than the man who's being good to you. Do you realize what kind of message this sends to your bf? Do you realize how badly you can hurt him by lying to him? He's already been been betrayed by someone he loved, and you're going to do the same thing to him, all over again? Lying has consequences. Consequences for you: You lose credibility. Consequences for your bf: He could lose his ability to ever trust again.Which could potentially hamstring his heart permanently.He may never be able to feel safely and securely loved again, depending on his resilience. Why put him through that? What are you gaining, that is so much more important than your bf's emotional health?
Hop_prophet Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 IMO your boyfriend is being way too tolerant about this. Your behavior is sketchy and he has every reason to be concerned. If my girlfriend put an ex over me in this manner I would be out in a heartbeat. You are sneaking and lying behind his back so you have already compromised trust. You are tolerating total disprespect to your relationship by allowing your ex to show interest and call you pet names. He is not your 'best friend'. This is obviously not platonic and should not be excused as a friendship. You two are clearly not over each other. I suggest you go NC if you have any intention of saving your current relationship. Counseling is also a good idea.
Pentel Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 i agree with freetyle and hop prophet, you are lying to him and he is too tolerant
Enema Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 I also agree with the others. Your boyfriend deserves far better.
adzent Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 If you were my girlfriend you would have been dumped on your ass as soon as i found out that you were lying and going ot meet him. Its not only very unhealthy for the both of you, but it is VERY unfair on your boyfriend. Hes tolerating it, but who are you too put him through that? If you cant let go of your ex, dont put other people through heartache because you cant cope. It seems to me you cannot respect artificial boundaries that most would know of, such as not texting/calling/MEETING your ex who you obviously still love. Im sorry if i seem a little harsh but its the truth, and most guys wouldve chucked you out long long before this guy has. Your being extremely unfair to him, either stop having os much contact with your ex or leave your boyfriend, either choice is unfair to someone, but will that someone be the one you care baout the most or not? its your choice really.
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