lost38 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 This is my first post so please bear with me. A little background: Parents divorced when I was 3. Mom has been married and divorced 3 times, Dad has been married 5 times, sister married 3 times and brother married 2 times. (I grew up in a family of divorce). My old step dad was a very emotionally and phsycially abusive alcoholic who beat my mom and molested me on one occasion. My mother is also handicapped and when she left my step dad, I had to grow up and take care of her starting a very young age (6th grade). My husband comes from a family not of divorce. His dad is an alcoholic (puts back an 18 pack a day) and his mom does EVERYTHING for him. So fast forward, I've been married for 7 years, been together 9 1/2 years. We met when I was 19. When I met him, he was going through a "women hating" stage b/c his fiancee had cheated on him and got pregnant w/ her boss. Our relationship started off on rocky grounds, he was expecting a baby from his "friends w/ benefits". 9 months later of hell we went through, she had her baby and 3 months later found out it wasn't his. Also found out he may not be able to have kids due to medical conditions when he was a child. (I was happy the baby wasn't his but always pondered on the idea of not being able to have kids with him) When we met, we were both into partying hard, we'd go out 5 nights a week and party till the sun came up. I learned very fast he was a "social alcoholic". We also never truly dated, everytime we went out, it was with all of our friends. I voiced this concern to him numerous times and it always got pushed to the back burner. So we got married and I got off birth control when we returned from our honeymoon. We both really wanted kids. After we got married, we both settled way down. We became your typical "happy marriage". We went out with our friends all the time, we get along great with each and love to do a lot of the same things. The problem, it wasn't so happy. Over the years he stopped "trying" both in bed and in general. We never went on dates even after settling down. (just the two of us) The sex became more like a chore b/c of trying to have a baby, the alcohol didn't stop and I started to get bitter. My husband is a very "people pleasing" person. He says and does everything I do. Doesn't voice his own opinion and agress to everything I say. We bicker but never fight. For some, that would be great, over the years though, I feel like I have been married to a doormat with no opinion of their own. I had continaually voiced my concern over these issues (so it's not like I wasn't communicating) Three years ago I confronted him w/ the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. He was destroyed after telling him I wasn't in love with him. He decided to move out and give me some space and was gone a week. While he was gone, I missed him something terrible so after 4 days, I asked him to come back home. We had a long talk about things that had gone awry in the marriage and we started working on them. His alcoholism (to put it this way, I've been the dd for the last 10 years b/c he gets horribly drunk everytime we'd go out and then he would get stupid and try and do stupid things on the way home, then we'd get home and if he wasn't passed out in the truck, he stumble into the house, take off his belt, pretend to go after the dogs scaring them, then fall into bed and want to get it on and of course I was repulsed so I would always tell him no and he'd get mad and roll over and pass out), his lack of his own opnion and not standing up to me, my bitterness towards him and he promised he would start taking me out on dates more. Well things were going good for awhile so we decided to step up trying to have a baby and go to a specialist. (we were referred by some friends who were going to the same specialist) I was diagnosed with some problems and after surgery and hormones, I was "fixed". We tried mulitple insemenations which led us to nowhere. I started to get emotionallly drained after the constant up and downs of hormone treatments and the ideas of possibly being pregnant only to be let down so we decided to stop. I was devasted, I knew I would never had a baby and adoption wasn't an option for my husband. Then things started to go back to the way they were before our little talk. I started getting frustrated again and started voicing my opinion again, it was like talking to a brick wall.So this past August, again, I confronted him with the "I Love you but I'm not in love with you" line again. Again, he was devasted. This time I decided to seek out the help of a therapist and started going. They concluded that it seemed to them that I had emotionally detached myself from the marriage years ago and was just going with the motions b/c overall, my life wasn't bad at all. I just wasn't married to a husband, I was married to a roommate. (at that point the intimacy was long gone) So this past August I did the unthinkable. I befriended a guy at work and started talking to him. One thing led to anohter and we became phsycially involved. Then of course the more we talked, the feelings started kreeping in. I was confused and my husband still wasn't getting it, so I moved out this time. I moved in with a friend and kept in limited contact w/ my husband and continued to see this new guy quite frequently. After a few weeks, the guilt got to me and I called my husband and confessed to my affiar. His first initial response was "divorce" but then he decided to go to marriage counseling. (something else I had continually suggested and was continually shot down). Now my husband says that since he now truly realizeswhat he did in the this marriage to cause me to stray and how close he was to losing me, he really wants to start things over on a new foot and work hard to get this marriage going again. I truly feel his is sincere. I've even noticed things he's doing to prove he's willing to change for good this time. My problem, one, I feel like I'm just done with the marriage and ready to move on b/c I've given him so many years to change and nothing has, why now? That and I've got myself way to involved with this new guy. He has shown me a life that I didn't know I could have. For one children, he has two from a previous marriage that I adore and he wants more and I know I could have a baby with him (which is something I can't have with my husband) and he doesn't drink and he has shown me so much intimacy and romance than my husband has in years. The sex is wonderful (he's the only guy I've ever been able to orgasm with) and with my husband, I have so much resentment for him, I have no desire to be intimate with him at all. I'm on vacation right now and go back home this Sunday. I have both men waiting for me with an answer to which one I'm going home to. My husband wants to work on the marriage and says he realizes how much he loves me and doesn't want me not in his life and will do whatever takes to make our marriage work. I love him I know I do, but the in love feelings aren't there and haven't been for so long. The same with the intimacy issues and I just dont know if they ever will be there again. Then I have the other guy with all the possibilties of a new life w/out alcohol, with babies and children and new love. I feel like if I go w/ my husband, I'll be missing out at my only chance of having a baby and a fullfilling sex life but if I go with the new guy, I'll be giving up the last 10 years of my life and that includes friends, family, my husband (who is a wonderful man b/c he's willing to overlook my infidelities and we get along great). I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I keep leading each guy on and I'm only hurting myself. I don't know if I'm willing to give up the new guy and all that he has to offer but the thought of giving up my husband hurts too. I'm sure there is a lot of things I've left out, but I figured this was long eough. Please HELP!
Author lost38 Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Sorry, I don't know how to go back and edit it?
Gabriele Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Paragraphs...please!! LOL, yes that would help!! I kept loosing my spot! Sounds like you have a complicated (always is) situation with lots to think about. But from reading your post.....sounds like you know what you want to do! You just feel bad doing it. It won't be easy, and it will hurt both you and your H. But you come across pretty clear. IMO. Perhaps taking this post and your honest feelings into a MC.
Author lost38 Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Sorry about the lack of paragraphs! LOL, this was my first thread, I tried to edit it but it wouldn't let me so I reposted the same topic only adding paragraphs. I can see how it'd be easy to get lost! ha ha I feel like my head and my heart are being torn in to. I feel like such a B*tch if I don't go back to my husband and give him another try since he's willing to overlook infidelity (something I know not a lot of people do) and for the most part we are great friends and get along fabulously. I hate the idea of hurting him and losing my life but when I think of losing the other guy and the life I could have with him, I get sucked right back into turmoil....I know sex isn't everything but when the intimacy hasn't been there for so many years, it's hard to overlook. You know? Then the whole baby issue, husband is now willing to look into adoption but financially I don't think we could ever afford it. He suggest IVF but I'm so tired of being pumped full of hormones and being a human pin cushion I just don't think I could go down that road again. I'm so confused and I feel like I only have 2 1/2 more days to make a decision that will affect me for the rest of my life....
Church Bells Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 PLEASE do your BH (that's BETRAYED Husband) a favor and pick the POSOM (that's Piece of SH** Other Man). Given your background and how you have described the situation ... I'm betting you're doing quite a job of re-writing your marital history to justify your infidelity and your BH is not NEARLY as bad as you are portraying him here. No doubt, other opinions will vary.
Author lost38 Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 Church Bells I thank you for your honesty. My post was not at all re-written to justify anything. That is exactly how it has been. Yes we also had a many fabulous good times but those were also the bad times as well. That is why my heart is so conflicted...
Church Bells Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 That is why my heart is so conflicted... Don't worry about it ... just go with your "heart" ... its "all about you" and your feelings anyway. Give the man a break and choose the OM ... sure, he'll be hurt in the short term, but in the end he will thank his lucky stars to be rid of his cheating WW. BTW, if I'm reading your original post correctly ... its very likely that you've had at least 2 prior affairs before you actually found an OM that wanted to keep you.
Author lost38 Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 No, no other affairs...sorry but that one you are wrong on.
bittersweet memories Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Don't worry about it ... just go with your "heart" ... its "all about you" and your feelings anyway. Give the man a break and choose the OM ... sure, he'll be hurt in the short term, but in the end he will thank his lucky stars to be rid of his cheating WW. BTW, if I'm reading your original post correctly ... its very likely that you've had at least 2 prior affairs before you actually found an OM that wanted to keep you. Church Bells you sound like a very bitter person. Give the girl a break.
bittersweet memories Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I believe you should move on and leave your husband. You betrayed him and that is something he will NEVER forget. If you go back to him the problems will continue and get worse because of your betrayal. Once the trust has been broken.. forget it! Like you said you are not in love with your husband anymore.. why drag it. You seem excited about this new love, see where it takes you. Just remember the honeymoon phase will eventually end and then what? Good Luck..
Author lost38 Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 He says he will forgive me and learn to trust me again but that it will take a long time for that to happen. I know it's all still fresh but he's already drilling me daily about phone calls and if I've talked to the other man. I know I brought it on myself but I honestly don't know if the trust will ever be back and that will be very hard on the marriage... It just sucks b/c he is a good man. I'm a true believer in everything happens for a reason and I've always wondered if there was a reason we weren't able to have kids together... I'm confused...and torn...I do know that my husband is super excited for me to get home and the idea of hurting him when I get home sucks...But if I know I can't get this other guy out of my head, then I know it's not fair to my husband...
Blindsidedagainalive Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Tell your husband that only the OM can make you orgasm. You won't have to decide, your husband will decide for you. The treatment you have given your husband sounds very abusive. Have you really taken a good look at yourself in all of this?
scorpmale001 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 didn't u know before hand, u can't have children with ur so called H(cause, that is how u r treating him)...why r u complaining now ? "But if I know I can't get this other guy out of my head, then I know it's not fair to my husband." tell ur H about ur feelings towards OM,i don't think he will stop u any further ,it is that simple
torranceshipman Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 You got married too young, you are not in love with your H anymore, you have emotionally and sexually checked out. You've taken the next step of moving on, you''re with another guy, you WANT to be with the new guy....so you see the problem here? You've moved on and the M is already over, you're just too scared to face up to the music and tell your H of this. Don't be a coward - be honest with your H and tell him it is over. Your weakness is making a horrible mess of this situation so just tell the truth and then you can both move on to bigger and brighter things (clearly you aren't right for your H - the right girl is out there so let him go fuid her).
Brightmoon Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 You got married too young, you are not in love with your H anymore, you have emotionally and sexually checked out. You've taken the next step of moving on, you''re with another guy, you WANT to be with the new guy....so you see the problem here? You've moved on and the M is already over, you're just too scared to face up to the music and tell your H of this. Don't be a coward - be honest with your H and tell him it is over. Your weakness is making a horrible mess of this situation so just tell the truth and then you can both move on to bigger and brighter things (clearly you aren't right for your H - the right girl is out there so let him go fuid her). Totally agree.
Church Bells Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Church Bells you sound like a very bitter person. Give the girl a break. Not bitter ... just a realist. It's pretty easy to see when a WW checks out of a M and into FANTASYLAND. Everything about her old life sucks ... and everything about the new OM is just peaches and cream. WHAT A CROCK!!! Her upbringing suggests she has little knowledge of or value for COMMITTMENT, and she has no RESPECT for her BH. I'm not a big fan of Dr. Laura, but she uses one quote that is appropriate here: American women have been systematically emasculating their husband's and then using that as an excuse to leave them. Isn't that EXACTLY what Lost has done here???
lostsunsets Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 He says he will forgive me and learn to trust me again but that it will take a long time for that to happen. I know it's all still fresh but he's already drilling me daily about phone calls and if I've talked to the other man. I know I brought it on myself but I honestly don't know if the trust will ever be back and that will be very hard on the marriage... It just sucks b/c he is a good man. I'm a true believer in everything happens for a reason and I've always wondered if there was a reason we weren't able to have kids together... I'm confused...and torn...I do know that my husband is super excited for me to get home and the idea of hurting him when I get home sucks...But if I know I can't get this other guy out of my head, then I know it's not fair to my husband... First off. Just because you go back to your husband, you actually think you will stop seeing this other guy? Not going to happen. You are a cake eater. A cheater who will keep both until you are MADE to choose, by someone making that choice for you. Like your husband divorcing you. You have proven yourself to be weak and untrustworthy. I am not saying your husband is faultless but he deserves better then what you are putting him through. Divorce your husband. And set him free. Oh and by the way. Your OM will cheat too. If he will cheat with you. He will cheat on you. In other words if he doesn't respect your marriage. He won't respect his marriage.
imagine Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 A promise today should not devalue tomorrow. Are you married or was this dependent on how you feel. Move in with the guy who divorced. He is practiced at divorce.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 He says he will forgive me and learn to trust me again but that it will take a long time for that to happen. I know it's all still fresh but he's already drilling me daily about phone calls and if I've talked to the other man. I know I brought it on myself but I honestly don't know if the trust will ever be back and that will be very hard on the marriage... It just sucks b/c he is a good man. I'm a true believer in everything happens for a reason and I've always wondered if there was a reason we weren't able to have kids together... I'm confused...and torn...I do know that my husband is super excited for me to get home and the idea of hurting him when I get home sucks...But if I know I can't get this other guy out of my head, then I know it's not fair to my husband... You gave your husband plenty of chances to be the man you need. Cherish the time you two had together... but let him go. You two are not good for each other. You know that so don't try to hang on to something that you KNOW won't work. I'm kind of so-so on the other guy. Typically when you jump into an affair it's with someone who isn't really that great. It's like your emotionally starving... and you dive on the first piece of food you find. Chances are you can do much better.
Author lost38 Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Thank you all for your thoughts and insights, I take the good with the bad b/c I know what I deserve. Just an update to the situation, I'm staying at the house right now, I didn't want to stay with my friend anymore (no "me" time) and I've been on vacation the last 1 1/2 weeks visiting family. I stayed the night the night before I left b/c husband took me to the airport and I got home this past Sunday. I plan on moving into our 5th wheel after Christmas b/c I need some "me" time. I told my husband this and he wasn't happy about it at all. My individual counselor told me some "me" time and "cooling off" time is what we need and our marriage counselor is telling us we have to stay living together, go figure they'd say different things. I told him I just wasn't ready to commit myself to staying there (as much as I love my house and my animals) b/c my heart isn't all the way in it just yet. I told him that things are still too fresh in our minds and I feel like we are walking on eggshells where anything can set us off. We've already said some hurtful things to each other and I don't want it to escalade. I told him that I want to continue to go to marriage counseling and try and work on us, but we both agreed that there is still a chance we won't be able to work through it. He said (and I agree) that there are some things that would be better for us to work on if I was living there but if I'm not ready to move back in completely, it's not fair of him to force me back and give me an ultimatum. (which he tried). So he said that he will try and trust me while I'm gone (he doesn't trust me to live on my own) and hopefully he'll be able to wait that long. I know if I were to suck it up and just stay that I would be happy (content) but I wouldn't be fullfilled. I would have my "life" back and be comfortable but there are still so many "skeletons" in the closest and I just know that the first time I'm out late or work late, he'll be drilling me and the first time he gets drunk, I'll get bitter and angry again. It's very hard for me to trust alcoholics b/c of what I went through witnessing my mom and my step dads marriage. (so many broken promises on his end to quit drinking, even w/ me and my mom leaving for weeks on end and him having an "epiphany" of getting it) My therapist told me pretty much the same thing "sounds like this marriage has ran it's course and it almost seems like it's over but we're both afraid to admit it". I guess I am afraid to admit it. I feel like a failure. I need to set up an appt w/ my dr and look into getting some anti-depressants b/c I'm on the downward spiral of depression. I've lost a ton of weight and I'm so edgy and moody lately. I can't seem to shed anymore tears b/c I feel so emotionally drained...
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